Strip clubs...

[ribeena]

Me and my boyf are engaged and we are at that age where alot of our friends are engaged and getting married too and so there are lots of Stag/bachelor parties going on. Which admittedly there will be some stripper element too.

 

My boyf has been to a few strip clubs in the past when he was single before me, and we once went to one together because as a woman I wanted to see what it was like just to get an idea. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable about and expressed this and since then he hasn't been to one until now...

 

So for like the next 3 years there are all these stag/bachelor parties happening so he'll be going to alot of strip clubs. Which I feel uncomfortable about. Not to mention his own party which will be a WHOLE other issue altogether when it comes around!

 

We have talked about this and he appreciates & understands how I feel but there is this certain machoism and tradition among men when it comes to their stag/bachelor parties that have to involve some element of naked woman! And men feel they have to save face and bully each other if they don't go see a stripper, like it "has to be done!" sort of thing!

 

I find it difficult to deal with because I get upset about it, and we talk about it but it's like I just sort of have to accept it as it's MY issue and he can't not go to the strip club because everyone else is going.

 

I don't really know how to deal with it! People say what you don't know won't hurt you - so we've tried the approach where he doesn't say anything about it, but then I sort of know and it makes it worse. Or we talk about it and again, I feel uncomfortable about it but it doesn't stop him going. I feel like we need to reach a compromise but not sure how...

 

Sorry for the waffle! Does anyone else have a similar issue or way to deal with this? Any advice would be great!

 

Thanks.

[Jersey Shortie]

Ask him how he would feel if you were the one on stage doing the stripping. Because if a man doesn't think he is doing anything wrong by going, and doesn't think the stripper is doing anything wrong by stripping, then there is no way in hell that he can be bothered by his girlfriend having some fun showing off her body for other men. If that idea bothers him, then he realizes the very obvious and sexual elements and is a hypocrite saying it's okay for him to go ogle other women but it's not okay for you to be oggled at.

 

If that doesn't work, go out for the night and go to a bar to flirt with other men on the nights he goes to these stag parties. Why should he be the only one having fun? He is going to be do some amount of socializing with strippers. It's only fair that you go and get male attention since he isn't around to provide you with some. Then when you go home, after getting all sexed up from the other men, you can have sex with him.

 

This is a tricky slippery slope and more often then not it seems like men are more loyal to their right to strip clubs then they are to their own SO that actually loves them. I mean, he might say he understand where you are coming from but saying he understands AND still going despite of that is kind of cruel.

[2sure]

I personally have no issue with strip clubs or men who frequent them...

 

BUT what I do have issue with is this pre-wedding obligation to go to one. Thats bullsh*t. First, a man ready to be married should not be succumbing to fraternity house peer pressure. Period.

Next, if he genuinely wants to go he shouldn't be hiding behind...they made me do it.

 

Although I am OK with this activity...If I were uncomfortable with it, I would 100% expect my feelings to be respected. After all, the strip club isn't important to him is it?? You tried, you went - thats very open minded, very fair, by the way. Good for you.

[asireen]

If he has done it in the past, he will do it in the present, and definitely in the future. Once the honeymoon period with you is over, you have a couple of kids, you grow fat and sagging, he will go back for sure for fun on the side. If you want him to be the father of your kids, just ensure the kids are taken care of till they are 18, they deserve to have both parents around and raising them.

[2sure]

OMG...are you kidding me?? Write the guy off or get child support for as of yet unborn children simply because he wants to go to a strip club?? What do you do with REAL problems like addiction, mental illness, and anger? Kill your partners? He went to a strip club, she went to one with him. He has not lied or hidden this from her.

[redtail]

...

BUT what I do have issue with is this pre-wedding obligation to go to one. Thats bullsh*t. First, a man ready to be married should not be succumbing to fraternity house peer pressure. Period.

Next, if he genuinely wants to go he shouldn't be hiding behind...they made me do it.

...

 

I think 2Sure is right on here. When I got married my best man wanted a visit to a strip club for bachelor party. He's been, I've never been in my 53 years. So I told him go ahead, I won't be there though.

 

Having said that, I too have no issue with strip clubs, it's just not my thing...

[Jersey Shortie]

Ribeena, it clearly bothers you. Don't let your own personal feelings and opinions get tossed aside just because he is currently making the needs of the strip club more important then you. Otherwise you are just going to end up resenting him and it's going to cause more problems. Personally, I think it's crap that a man claims he is ready to commit but nees to celebrate that commitment with other women in stead. And I think it's crappy how many men out there are willing to overide and treat their own women with such carlessness when these women have expressed their hurt over his activities.

 

Talk to him about it and don't let him railroad over your feelings. YOUR needs are just as important. And honestly, does he really need strip clubs to feel good about his friendships? If he does, he has issues.

[boogieboy]

Ribeena, dont worry about it. Going to the strip club is a dopey tradition, but generally some of the guys gets a stripper to rub a booty on a lap real quick, they yell at the strippers, toss some money, then leave and forget about the strippers. Its fun to do with your boys for 1 night and thats it. Most of the guys who are in love with their women have no desire to do anything with the strippers. Most of the guys who are getting married and its their party dont want to touch strippers. Once you get a good woman at home, most guys dont want to be bothered. So you have nothing to worry about.

 

If you dont believe what your man says --If you think your man will stray because of more frequent bachelor parties, you might want evaluate your relationship and why you think this way.

[butcher's hook]

I found this from another thread and another topic posted, but this was linked to it. I found it interesting and nothing new to my eyes unfortunately.

 

I think I would almost trust a club more than having strippers come to a private party, then you will really have no say whatsoever in what happens and the "best intentioned" guys often fall prey to stupid peer pressure from their peers. Clubs might be a bit more controlled in some cities.

 

 

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/exclusive/bachelor-party-stripper-confessions-0305?link=emb&dom=yah_life&src=syn&con=blog_cosmo&mag=cos

 

What a stupid skanky tradition that contradicts the act of marriage in so many ways.

[PinkKittyKat]

Ribeena, dont worry about it. Going to the strip club is a dopey tradition, but generally some of the guys gets a stripper to rub a booty on a lap real quick, they yell at the strippers, toss some money, then leave and forget about the strippers. Its fun to do with your boys for 1 night and thats it.

 

If one doesn't feel comfortable with their SO paying a naked woman to "rub a booty on a lap real quick" (AKA grind her naked ass on his crotch), then I don't think telling her "Don't worry, some of the guys gets a stripper to rub a booty on a lap real quick" will make her feel any better. That's probably the part she feels uncomfortable with in the first place!

 

If you dont believe what your man says --If you think your man will stray because of more frequent bachelor parties, you might want evaluate your relationship and why you think this way.

If the sexual acts performed FEEL like "straying" to her, then there's no worry that he WILL cheat, he's already cheating by performing the act. If you wouldn't do it with the neighbour lady, then you shouldn't be doing it with a stripper.

[Jersey Shortie]

Ribeena, dont worry about it. Going to the strip club is a dopey tradition, but generally some of the guys gets a stripper to rub a booty on a lap real quick, they yell at the strippers, toss some money, then leave and forget about the strippers. Its fun to do with your boys for 1 night and thats it. Most of the guys who are in love with their women have no desire to do anything with the strippers. Most of the guys who are getting married and its their party dont want to touch strippers. Once you get a good woman at home, most guys dont want to be bothered. So you have nothing to worry about.

 

If you dont believe what your man says --If you think your man will stray because of more frequent bachelor parties, you might want evaluate your relationship and why you think this way.

 

I am sorry but your words are at complete odds with each other. If men have "no desire to do anything with strippers", then why did you say in the first part that men might want a stripper to rub up on him "just a little bit"? that makes NO sense what-so-ever.

 

Sounds like once men get a good woman at home, they are more then happy to leave home to play with strippers. I mean why should you respect yoru woman? She doesn't matter right? It's all about YOU and your boys. That's what's important here. Screw women, apparently we are pretty worthless in men's eyes. Especially when we are the one that actually loves him.

 

Got to love men's loyalties. They clearly aren't with their women. Men rather defend their right to strippers and their friends then stand up and be a real man for their own woman, the one you claim that guys care so much about.

 

By the way, that article was pretty damn depressing. Seems like strippers will always out win over anything an normal girl that actually loves her man can do.

[ribeena]

Thanks for your replies. I know this is a topic that comes up alot, along with porn... and other general other "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" type topics! So I appreciate you all taking the time to reply to mine too.

 

I suppose that's just one of the things, men and women are very different, and we cannot fully understand each other. However we go on to form relationships.

 

I always had very open views about marriage, I was never for it or against it. But it was something I gave very little thought to, until the day my boyf proposed. I felt very priveledged - I couldn't believe that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

One thing that also bugs me is how his friends react, not all of them, but a few are not at all interested in the marriage itself just the bachelor/stag do. I find that quite upsetting, I know not everyone is the same, but the whole idea of marriage is about 2 people joining together to celebrate their love and future together as a couple.

 

There seems to be this whole basis on men's last night of freedom, women are seen as the ball and chain. I'd like to add to this that there was no pressure involved in our decision to get married. I never expected it of my boyf and we'd always been very open about our future together. I was very much taken by suprise when he proposed and he had chosen to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

I think the point here is that there has to be a level of understanding in relationships. At the end of the day, yes, you as an individual are important, the individual relationships you form with other friends, family members etc are important. But ultimately the one person you agree to share a very big part of your life with is important too! We are two different people with different ideas etc but we are in one relationship.

 

So does 5 of your individual friends demanding you go to a strip club outweigh your SO's desire for you not to?

[redtail]

... etc ...

So does 5 of your individual friends demanding you go to a strip club outweigh your SO's desire for you not to?

 

I don't care if there was an election and 51% of California voted that I should go, I personally honor my wife's wishes above those of my friends.

 

I asked my wife last night, if I would have gone to a strip club for a bachelor party, would she have been upset with that? She thought about it, and said, "no, because I know you're not that kind of a person."

 

I don't want to say that people that go are bad people, far from it. I would never judge anybody that enjoyed that form of entertainment, I do question someone that would do that in spite of their significant others request not to. Maybe that's just me...

[boogieboy]

So does 5 of your individual friends demanding you go to a strip club outweigh your SO's desire for you not to?

 

Are worried about what he does in the club, or just upset that he chooses his friends' choice over yours? The problem is, he WANTS to go. if you dont let him, he might resent you you be cause he knows that no stripper will mean anything to him, and you refuse to try to understand that. He probably isnt going to get any dances anyway, he just wants to have fun with his friends, fun that he cant have with you. This is nothing to get jealous over. Theres just some things that can only be fun with the guys. You start trying to take his friends away from him, youre trying to change him, which is already bad news.

 

But in his mind, he learned from past relationships that he has to keep his friends that will help him out of a depression that his women put him in. So he has to keep a balance to please you both. Even though you two will be interdependent, you still should have your own lives and friends. His requirements are that he might have to attend some of these stag parties.

 

So like I said, if he WANTS to gets a quick lap dance, thats all it is, it doesnt go any further, and its not emotionally cheating.

 

Pink, what she feels and what he feels are two different things altogether. He doesnt feel like hes cheating, because a lap dance isnt an involvement.

 

If she feels inadequate because of a stripper, like I said, she has to re-evaluate her relationship. Because she has to battle his desire to be with his friends, and put a strain on the relationship by not trying to understand what he is doing. Maybe RedTail has a point, maybe you dont know him well enough.

 

If he started going to clubs more often without the stag parties, THEN you have something to worry about.

 

Or you can start hitting a chippendales to see if he will feel like you do.

[Jersey Shortie]

Boogieboy, the thing about resentment is that it works both ways. He just might resent her for being upset about him going and you know what, she can just as easily resnt him for going. As a woman, believe me, resentment isn't something only men can feel. And while you say she is refusing to understand him, you should be open minded enough to understand that he might also be refusing to understand her.

 

If a man wants to have fun with his friends, please do. We actually enjoy a man that can go out with his buds and male-bond. What gets to a woman is the fact that the male bonding is used as a justifcation to go enjoy the sexuality of other women despite the fact that you have a woman at home that actually cares about you.The fact that a man willingly chooses to put himself in a sexual environment with other women, for the most part are going to be in a limited age range and body range, is naturally upsetting to a woman that cares about you. Saying otherwise is being cruel and unrealistic about how it can feel to a woman. Nothing to get jealous over? Well next time you sit at home and let your lady dance on stage for a bunch of men and tell me that you aren't bothered by it. Maybe you aren't, but most men would be.

 

Let a man have his own life with his friends. that is not the issue. The issue is the fact that a man can have a great girlfriend or wife and yet, he still feels the need to put himself in a shady and sexual situation with other women. Or even go so far as pay another woman to provide him with some titilating pleasure. Hanging out with the guys and going to strip clubs are not mutually exculsive.

 

How about having more respect for the ladies in your lives guys instead of only worrying about how many strip clubs you get to attend.

 

It never ceases to amaze me the loyatlies that men have to strippers and porn then they do their own SO. It's great to know that men offer these things greater respect and stick up for them more then they do their own women.

[AlektraClementine]

I'm a fence rider on this issue. Well that was until I got engaged. I don't care if other people go and I don't have any problem with the strippers. But once engaged to the man I love, I knew right away that I wouldn't tolerate a stripper touching him ANYWHERE, EVER.

 

He doesn't care about the clubs but he does get invited to bachelor parties. He turned one down recently that involved 3 days, strippers, balls games, and booze. He later found out that it was a very seedy and debaucherous affair and that the boys didn't actually behave themselves very well. I would have said okay to him going, because he's not a cheater but boy am I glad he didn't.

 

Let's not forget bachelorette parties though. I have a story to share with everyone. I was also invited to a friend's bachelorette party recently. Really fun party and there was a stripper. This guy was soooo much more than a stripper. He performed mock sex acts on a lot of the girls there. I'm talking, legs wrapped around him, face in between legs stuff. So if you men think that male strippers aren't a threat, think again. I witnessed married and engaged women engaging in acts that NO MAN would ever be comfortable with. p.s. female hands did touch this man's genitalia.

 

I was good. When stripper dude asked me to dance, I said nope. I'm taken. When my fiance heard about this party, he and I made a pact right then and there to not have any strippers at our own parties.

 

It's a personal thing.

[sw1911ct]

Ask him how he would feel if you were the one on stage doing the stripping. Because if a man doesn't think he is doing anything wrong by going, and doesn't think the stripper is doing anything wrong by stripping, then there is no way in hell that he can be bothered by his girlfriend having some fun showing off her body for other men. If that idea bothers him, then he realizes the very obvious and sexual elements and is a hypocrite saying it's okay for him to go ogle other women but it's not okay for you to be oggled at.

 

If that doesn't work, go out for the night and go to a bar to flirt with other men on the nights he goes to these stag parties. Why should he be the only one having fun? He is going to be do some amount of socializing with strippers. It's only fair that you go and get male attention since he isn't around to provide you with some. Then when you go home, after getting all sexed up from the other men, you can have sex with him.

 

Why come up with all these arguably non parallel comparisons (I want to say asinine) when a direct comparison is so easy to make? There are places that cater to women you know...

[annieo]

Why come up with all these arguably non parallel comparisons (I want to say asinine) when a direct comparison is so easy to make? There are places that cater to women you know...

 

I disagree - I think these are fair comparisons. While the above post about a bachelorette party is an obvious contradiction, generally speaking, women don't really get into male strippers the way men get into female strippers. That is why most strip clubs have women stripping for men. It's about supply and demand.

 

However, if a woman is looking for a little outside thrill/attention, she might go to a club and flirt/chat/fool around with another guy. Doesn't necessarily mean anything, she just wants male attention.

 

But there are very few women who would be willing to pay for this attention from a stripper, as paying for it takes away from what she is looking for in the first place, which is to be desired by someone else. I don't think men neccesarily care so much if they are actually being desired, or if they are more concerned with feeling desire for another woman.

[sw1911ct]

Whatever you say. Most of the girls I've dated have understood me going to a strip club in a bachelor party scenario but would break up with me if I went to a club and did what you describe below:

 

 

"she might go to a club and flirt/chat/fool around with another guy. Doesn't necessarily mean anything, she just wants male attention."

 

Going to a strip club and hooking up with people at bars are not even close to the same thing. Give me freaking break!

 

If you're looking to actually hook up a strip club is the last place you should go in my experience.

[annieo]

Whatever you say. Most of the girls I've dated have understood me going to a strip club in a bachelor party scenario but would break up with me if I went to a club and did what you describe below:

 

 

"she might go to a club and flirt/chat/fool around with another guy. Doesn't necessarily mean anything, she just wants male attention."

 

Going to a strip club and hooking up with people at bars are not even close to the same thing. Give me freaking break!

 

If you're looking to actually hook up a strip club is the last place you should go in my experience.

 

I think it depends on what you mean by hooking up. If you mean talking, flirting, getting to know each other a little, maybe a little physical contact, I'd like to know what the difference is between doing that with some stranger you've met in a bar (who has their clothes on and isn't being paid) and doing it with someone you've paid to do this with you, in a strip club?

 

I fail to see any major differences, except for the lack of clothing and exchange of money in the strip club scenario.

[Stung]

I disagree - I think these are fair comparisons. While the above post about a bachelorette party is an obvious contradiction, generally speaking, women don't really get into male strippers the way men get into female strippers. That is why most strip clubs have women stripping for men. It's about supply and demand.

 

However, if a woman is looking for a little outside thrill/attention, she might go to a club and flirt/chat/fool around with another guy. Doesn't necessarily mean anything, she just wants male attention.

 

But there are very few women who would be willing to pay for this attention from a stripper, as paying for it takes away from what she is looking for in the first place, which is to be desired by someone else. I don't think men neccesarily care so much if they are actually being desired, or if they are more concerned with feeling desire for another woman.

 

 

I basically agree with this. I had a (theoretical) conversation with my partner about this a while ago and we came to a similar conclusion. I have been to bachelorette parties and to male and female strip clubs, and felt nothing. Zip. The strippers are rarely to my taste physically or mentally, most of the guys especially are greased-up musclebound cheeseballs at best, not really my thing. Those nights were nothing but jokes to me. For many, possibly most, women, the experience of going to a male strip club is NOT parallel to the experience of a male going to a female strip club.

 

In a long-term relationship, many women start to feel that romance and spontaneity are lacking, they begin to feel taken for granted...and women need to blow off steam from time to time, just like men do. If I wanted a rush, to feel the heat of being desirable, to get my ego stroked and my heart beating faster and put a sexy edge into my evening, I might put on something a little sexy and wander alone or with another girlfriend to my local bar. I might let a couple of men buy me a couple of drinks, pay me compliments, gaze at me with lust and 'worship' in their eyes. We might dance, flirt, take things right to that invisible line. They might ask me for my number or offer me 'a ride home'. Then, ego fully stoked, feeling flush with the good time I just had with another man, I would go home to my loving partner.

 

Sure, I wouldn't have cheated, technically, by many people's guidelines, but when I asked my partner if that kind of blowing off steam would bother him his answer was a resounding YES, even though I would have been fully clothed the whole time with no fluids exchanged or even sight of somebody else's nudity. And hey, I think he'd be perfectly reasonable and within his rights to feel that way, which is why I don't go out and do that kind of thing. When I feel like he's taking me for granted or neglecting my emotional buttons, I book us for a romantic weekend getaway together instead (granted this is a little more difficult now in a crappy economy and with an infant ...but we are taking the baby up the coast two weekends from now to give it a shot!)

 

Luckily for us, he and I are on the same page about fidelity and respect. We are both interested in keeping our relationship monogamous and we are both perfectly aware that we each have a bit of a jealous streak, and we're happy to work to keep each other happy. So, no naked grinding strippers and no sexy mysterious strangers in the bar...for either of us.

[ribeena]

Are worried about what he does in the club, or just upset that he chooses his friends' choice over yours? The problem is, he WANTS to go. if you dont let him, he might resent you you be cause he knows that no stripper will mean anything to him, and you refuse to try to understand that. He probably isnt going to get any dances anyway, he just wants to have fun with his friends, fun that he cant have with you. This is nothing to get jealous over. Theres just some things that can only be fun with the guys. You start trying to take his friends away from him, youre trying to change him, which is already bad news.

 

He tells me he doesn't like going to the clubs as they are seedy, but it's hard when everyone is going together, and sometimes these parties are away from home so it's not like he can just go home.

 

I believe what he says to me. He doesn't have dances as he doesn't want to and feels uncomfortable enough about the entrance fee because he "has to go".

 

I understand that he wants to spend time with his friends and doesn't want to be the party pooper. But I don't understand why his friends feel the need to give him a hard time if he refuses? Some of his friends are single, and I can understand if they were all single guys going together. I don't understand why I am seen as the ball and chain? Marriage is a commitment, on both sides, each other. Why get engaged and agree to that if you don't believe in it? And why, if you do, must your friends treat it like its a really bad thing? Like it's the loss of your freedom?

 

I'm not trying to change him! I'm just trying to be in mature relationship where we can reach a level of understanding, and be honest with each other - otherwise what is the point?

 

If he feels uncomfortable about going, like he says he does, why can't he stand up to his friends and tell them that? Why is it easier to hurt my feelings instead than refuse his friends once in a while who will get over it?

[Jersey Shortie]

Why come up with all these arguably non parallel comparisons (I want to say asinine) when a direct comparison is so easy to make? There are places that cater to women you know...

 

Men and women are different. The things that turn men on are not always the things that turn women on. Women are turned on more by being looked out and praised. Men are turned on more by looking. Please feel free to ask every woman you know and more times then not, that's going to be the answer you get.

 

Women don't feel the same sexual excitement from a male stripper that men seem to feel for female ones. Because it does not pander to what truely turns women on in the same way it does for men. That's about as simple and uncomplicated you can make it. Women aren't men. Women aren't turned on by gay grease monkies swirling their hips. Most women aren't. Most women are more turned on by being the alluring and sexually exciting creature.

 

In a long-term relationship, many women start to feel that romance and spontaneity are lacking, they begin to feel taken for granted...and women need to blow off steam from time to time, just like men do. If I wanted a rush, to feel the heat of being desirable, to get my ego stroked and my heart beating faster and put a sexy edge into my evening, I might put on something a little sexy and wander alone or with another girlfriend to my local bar. I might let a couple of men buy me a couple of drinks, pay me compliments, gaze at me with lust and 'worship' in their eyes. We might dance, flirt, take things right to that invisible line. They might ask me for my number or offer me 'a ride home'. Then, ego fully stoked, feeling flush with the good time I just had with another man, I would go home to my loving partner

 

Excellent comparison. Most men here would be hard pressed feeling comfortable with that situation. Dare I say they are insecure for it? No, they might not be insecure people but when a man or woman puts themselves in a sexual atomsphere with members of the other sex, please don't be shocked when someone starts having second thoughts about that partners commitment to the relationship.

[Jennifer26]

I see no reason why a man in a committed relationship needs to visit a strip club.

 

In my opinion, going to a strip club is cheating. For some people, unless penetration is involved they don't feel it's cheating, but not for me. I've also been in a strip club, so I am not speaking out of ignorance.

 

The women are often nude, and during a private dance dry humps the man and grinds herself on his groin. Some will let the men suck on them, some will even go further in seedier clubs for extra money. My cousin was a stripper for many years, and she slept with many of her regulars outside of the club.

 

My husband went to a strip club when we were engaged, and it was almost the end of us. If he were to ever go again, it would be. He knows exactly where I stand on this, and he says he agrees with me that a strip club is cheating and would never dream of going again.

 

Also, I agree with JS that a woman going out and dancing with men, flirting, etc is a similar scenario. I would never dream of doing those things either, being a married woman.