Taking a break from physical contact but...

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

it's the emotional connection we share that is going to be hard to let go of.

 

After MM's mc session the other night he told me it sounds like BS is leaving. But then he told me some things in their conversation that went back and forth, like she made a list of what she wants and needs to do, like splitting bank accounts and stuff, but then made more demands on him, and ended up staying. He's not sure if she meant she was staying that night, or for good.

 

Some of those demands he is already doing as part of keeping the peace. So basically the only thing she knows of that he won't do is quit his job. I think she is going to realize that is too much to ask and then keep clinging to this marriage. He will never admit to being unfaithful, so she will continue distrusting him one minute and living in denial the next.

 

I told him I have to start thinking of me now. We are stopping the physical part of our affair outside of work. In a week, if she hasn't made final plans to leave then I will stop all contact outside of work. Even if their M ends, we aren't going to run to each other. So this way, I am still prepared to give him the time and space he needs if they separate.

 

None of the NC will change our feelings about each other, we both know that. Time will not change that until I decide to move on. If things haven't changed a month from now, or if they don't look like they'll change by the end of summer, then obviously he feels there is still something left in his marriage and that is the reason he can't end it. He doesn't want to move out of the house, but if things are still up in the air in a couple of months, he will have to decide whether to stay or give up the house and leave. If he stays, and she won't move out, then I am done.

 

I think this stopping the PA will help me. btw he has no kids, m for 9 yrs.

[jj33]

 

After MM's mc session the other night he told me it sounds like BS is leaving. But then he told me some things in their conversation that went back and forth, like she made a list of what she wants and needs to do, like splitting bank accounts and stuff, but then made more demands on him, and ended up staying. He's not sure if she meant she was staying that night, or for good.

 

So in other words he is letting her call the shots. He is not saying he will leave, he is not telling her about the A, and if she wants to stay then he will stay too?

 

Some of those demands he is already doing as part of keeping the peace. So basically the only thing she knows of that he won't do is quit his job. I think she is going to realize that is too much to ask and then keep clinging to this marriage. He will never admit to being unfaithful, so she will continue distrusting him one minute and living in denial the next.

 

That is their problem, not yours. If you "stay", even by telling him anything other than its over Im done, then you are willingly being the back up plan. You are plan B.

 

I told him I have to start thinking of me now. We are stopping the physical part of our affair outside of work.

 

Does this mean you will only see each other at work and no more PA?

 

In a week, if she hasn't made final plans to leave then I will stop all contact outside of work.

 

So you are still allowing her to call the shots putting yourself 2 degrees away from controlling your life (MM and his W each being a degree of separation) trather than telling him I am done. If you divorce we will see where I am at that point. You are still wilingly being the back up plan.

 

Even if their M ends, we aren't going to run to each other.

 

Of course you are, dont kid yourself. Youre setting it up that way.

 

So this way, I am still prepared to give him the time and space he needs if they separate.

 

See above.

 

None of the NC will change our feelings about each other, we both know that. Time will not change that until I decide to move on.

 

No youve got it backwards. Nothing will change until you expect to be number one in his life and he starts to pulll up his big boy pants and take control of his life. You are both letting your future depend on his Ws decisions. Maybe that makes sense for him, it does not for you.

 

If things haven't changed a month from now, or if they don't look like they'll change by the end of summer, then obviously he feels there is still something left in his marriage and that is the reason he can't end it.

 

he knows that already. He has decided to stay if she will keep him. Look at this behavior. He is not willing to call the shots.

 

He doesn't want to move out of the house, but if things are still up in the air in a couple of months, he will have to decide whether to stay or give up the house and leave. If he stays, and she won't move out, then I am done.

 

Youve just set your time line somewhere in october, and it will move it you let it.

 

I think this stopping the PA will help me. btw he has no kids, m for 9 yrs.

 

 

Good for you for pulling back. Everyone moves in their own time frame. However you are pulling a barbed spike out of your heart slowly twisting it day by day rather than just pulling it out experiencing the searing pain and allowing the wound to heal.

 

Best advice would be stop all contact outside of necessary business contact now. Let him do whatever he needs or wants to do. You cant change or control that in any event.

 

What you can do is stop sitting on the sidelines willing and wishing him to leave.

 

Stopping the contact doesnt mean you will stop loving him tomorrow, but it does mean that you wont get your heart dragged through the sewage of his vacillation and his denial of your relationship. And the daily or weekly phone calls of W said x I may leave, no W wants to stay, the M isnt ending.

 

He isnt saying I want a life with you I am ending my marriage. He is saying if W doesnt want me anymore on terms I can live with, I will let you know. Then if hte moon and the stars align, we will be together.

 

You are setting yourself up as a back up. Dont do that to yourself.

 

If you want to think of it in real estate terms, hes saying I have this house, I am having difficulty affording the mortgage payments. The bank may forclose in which case I will have to move somewhere else. Its all up to the bank. You are the little apartment he will move into if the bank forcloses.

 

You dont want to be that little apartment across town, lying vacant waiting for him to decide if he is staying in his house.

 

You deserve a life of your own, with someone who knows that they want to be with you, and isnt just making your relationship Plan B.

 

Be strong you can do this.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

It's not her terms that he is deciding if he can live with and money isn't an issue. I think he is more afraid of being alone. I think NC is a great way to test that because if he keeps dragging his heels, and it's either laziness or his fear of being alone that keeps him there, then he's not the man I want to be with.

 

I've worked alot on myself these last few years, and I am getting close to being in a really good place. I don't want a mess which is why I have no expectations of him leaving her and running to me, because then I may end up being a transition, or a rebound. There is no tangled barbed wire anywhere near my heart. He might leave, and if he does, he might want to try being on his own for a while. He doesn't think he will be, he sees us possibly moving in together in a year "if all goes as planned" and he says so far things are going as planned from his point of view.

 

I told him yesterday, I an in control of what happens in my life, and I have to do what's best for me. And he said he has no problem with stopping PA, his feelings for me won't change. This is also a good test to make sure it's not about sex (I know it's not though).

 

So while he plays his apathy card, and she tries to play on his emotions, I live my life, enjoy my kids, have fun this summer (oh, and 2 months is end of Aug, not Oct). My winters are extremely busy anyway, so if I get through summer, I will be in a really good place, with or without him.

 

The one week thing was about how seriously she is considering moving out. If it is still unclear a week from now, I am ending all outside of work contact. We will still talk at work, and I won't avoid the topic, but I won't ask questions either.

[jj33]

If he is staying for fear of being alone then he is staying because the marriage isnt THAT bad; hed rather be there than be alone.

[fooled once]

How are you "plan A"?

 

I mean, his wife is making the moves - she is taking ACTION.

 

He isn't.

 

If he wanted to be with you - he would be.

 

HE would move out.

 

HE would pursue a divorce.

 

You say he is scared of being alone??? What? A grown adult - and a MAN at that - scared of living alone?

 

Time WILL either increase the feelings or decrease them. And from what it sounds like -- his wife doesn't know he is cheating on her, but she may leave him, she just hasn't decided yet.

 

So while she decides, he waits to hear her answer. He takes NO ACTION to divorce her or move out.

 

So if she decides to stay, he will continue the affair with you?

 

I am so confused......

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

No, if she stays, he will not continue the affair with me because I will be gonzo.

 

Maybe I need to choose my words more carefully. He wants to separate. He would "prefer" if she left because he likes his house and wants to stay in it. He doesn't want it to appear that he kicked her out.

 

He's not just going to up and leave and it won't happen today or tomorrow. There are plans to be made, and they are making them. He and I also have some things to talk about but I am not going to force him into another relationship with me right after he leaves his wife.

 

That is why we are pausing our affair. Oh and by the way, our feelings do keep growing and growing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

LOL, I told you so. I knew it from when I first read your story, this man doesnt want to be with you....

 

Who are you kidding mwc, are you in that big denial???

[Lyssa]

I told him yesterday, I an in control of what happens in my life, and I have to do what's best for me. And he said he has no problem with stopping PA, his feelings for me won't change. This is also a good test to make sure it's not about sex (I know it's not though).

 

So while he plays his apathy card, and she tries to play on his emotions, I live my life, enjoy my kids, have fun this summer (oh, and 2 months is end of Aug, not Oct). My winters are extremely busy anyway, so if I get through summer, I will be in a really good place, with or without him.

 

Stop the PA and live your life, MWC. You seem to do it well without him now and perhaps that shows that you are able to move on without him.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

LOL, I told you so. I knew it from when I first read your story, this man doesnt want to be with you....

 

Who are you kidding mwc, are you in that big denial???

 

I knew you'd show up somewhere in this thread. I think it's a bit early to say I told you so. I haven't been hurt, and our feelings haven't changed, and as usual I am free of consequence (so far, and I'm not stating that as a goal). And I've been wanting to say this forever, your avatar gives me the creeps!

 

I'm not in a rush, and I've been in his shoes. When you separate, it's not easy to just move out. If you own a home, you need to decide who stays. It's not fair for the other to leave until they have a place to go. They have assets that need to be worked out, and a dog. It is a weekend, and you all sound like everything should happen overnight.

 

My life continues, and I'm not suffering any anxiety over this. I want him to be happy, and I have made suggestions to him what I think would help (making a decision) and what I think would hurt (dragging his heels).

 

Did I mention his parents are being very supportive of him to leave?

 

Thanks Lyssa, yes that is exactly what I am doing, living my life.

[NoIDidn't]

What I don't like about the OP (original post) is the part where you and he seem to think negatively of her distrusting him when she has every reason to and you BOTH know it.

 

That is ridiculous. He's lying to her and you know it. He's lying to you and you don't seem to know it.

 

He isn't leaving. He's attending MC with his W in the hopes that she will leave and he will then be able to manipulate her into getting the divorce.

 

This is not what you want. If you want to be with him, he needs to be the one making the moves. But he isn't. And NC isn't likely to push a man that's afraid of being alone off the fence.

 

But seriously, you need to tell him to tell her the truth if he really wants out. I'm sure she won't take kindly to knowing that he's been lying to her AND to the counsellor about having someone outside of his marriage.

 

Why do work affairs always seem to play out like this?

[jj33]

Why do work affairs always seem to play out like this. Good question.

 

I think its because the WS has a lot to lose on both sides and doesnt want to piss anyone off.

 

People who have affairs are generally conflict avoiders. So if you have someone who wants to have something on the side and string it along, he is playing with fire at work. Then he realises he has pushed things too far and needs some weasly out (because hes not a direct kind of guy).

 

So he plays both sides against the middle hoping he can come out without any muck on his hands.

 

When work isnt involved, its easier to cut the cord on one side or the other. Its not as messy.

 

Just my view.

[fooled once]

 

I'm not in a rush, and I've been in his shoes. When you separate, it's not easy to just move out. If you own a home, you need to decide who stays. It's not fair for the other to leave until they have a place to go. They have assets that need to be worked out, and a dog. It is a weekend, and you all sound like everything should happen overnight.

 

My life continues, and I'm not suffering any anxiety over this. I want him to be happy, and I have made suggestions to him what I think would help (making a decision) and what I think would hurt (dragging his heels).

 

Did I mention his parents are being very supportive of him to leave?

 

Thanks Lyssa, yes that is exactly what I am doing, living my life.

 

As someone who HAS been divorced and with a CHILD, I know how divorce and seperation work

 

When 2 married people decide the marriage is over, it can happen quickly. Mine did. And I know plenty of other people who divorced and it moved ahead and didn't stand still.

 

He is playing a game with you and you are just choosing to not want to see it.

 

They can decide all the asset stuff, the dog issues, etc; but the first step needs to be taken and he is choosing to NOT take it and sit back and have his wife AND YOU. Why? Because you allow it.

 

But, it's your life. You can say you aren't sitting around and waiting for him, but you are. And you will continue until you realize he is not making any moves to "be with you". He is more concerned about a house and a dog than being with the person he supposedly loves.

 

Then again, maybe he is with the person he loves -- his wife.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

He isn't leaving. He's attending MC with his W in the hopes that she will leave and he will then be able to manipulate her into getting the divorce.

 

This is not what you want.

 

Why wouldn't I want that exactly?

 

If you want to be with him, he needs to be the one making the moves. But he isn't. And NC isn't likely to push a man that's afraid of being alone off the fence.

 

 

FooledOnce, I do have kids, and my marriage ended nearly 5 years ago. After the talk, I looked for a house, found one, but we still lived together for a few more months until I got possession. We also have 2 kids. So I have been there. I didn't accept less than I was getting out of my marriage after on and off counselling and a trial separation a few years earlier. So I also know how things can't happen overnight.

 

He is more concerned about a house and a dog than being with the person he supposedly loves.

and so he should be. I am the one he loves, and there are no guarantees so he is hanging onto his home, but he is just wishing his W wasn't there. If you're deciding whether or not to date someone you are interested in, no matter how deep the feelings, or how the R started this is still the beginning of a relationship, you don't give up your house and your dog!

 

Okay, newsflash: I got an email today. He "figures" they will go for another counselling session in a couple of weeks, if they make it (his words) and things are still going according to planned (she is making demands, he is not meeting them) and all should be tied up by the end of summer.

 

I told him that I wanted to gather my thoughts and talk about it rather than reply to the email. So here I am, on LS with a pad of paper and all the emails from him in my Saved box. Now what do I do?

[jj33]

Oh MWC. I saw in another thread you were less defensive about this and said you needed to pull back.

 

Oh my. Youve waited so long for this. You are trying to be understanding but....

 

1. He is pulling the standard I dont want to break up with you so if I act like an azz you will eventually kick me out. Hasnt worked yet has it? He is being terribly unfair to his W letting her believe he is working on it when he is not.

 

Were not even talking about the fact that he isnt telling her about you. He isnt even man enough to say we had a good run of it, but this isnt working I want to let us both off the hook and let us move on with our lives. Hes waiting to piss her off so much that she does the dirty.

 

That will be you someday - not necessarily in divorce but in your dealing with him. This is how he deals with conflict. Are you prepared for that?

 

2. And what if she doesnt tire of this? What if she believes it will just take time. That it can take a year or two to get things back on track.

 

you need to step back and tell him you cant be there now if he isnt willing to take control of the process.

 

Unless of course you are ok with him being passive. I have to assume on some level that doesnt get to you and you are OK with a passive mate otherwise he would not appeal to you.

 

Im telling you October at the earliest. I can count too but its almost july (3 days) and end of the summer and and and... you dont want to be sitting here at Xmas saying she should be well fed up with this any day now. Its so mean of him. So cowardly and so selfish.

 

And dont think she wont later find out about you two. She will and she will be bitter and it will all impact the property settlement. That he screwed her around pretending he was working on the marriage when he had no intention of staying.

 

Is that something you really want to be a party to? You reap what you sow. You really do.

[sugarmomma]

FooledOnce, I do have kids, and my marriage ended nearly 5 years ago.

 

MWC,

 

Did you ever actually get divorced?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Yes I put an end to my procrastination and filed for D a couple weeks ago. Papers should be ready for him to sign this week then we get that other piece of paper by the end of summer saying that we are officially divorced. ExH said he wondered when I'd get to that.

 

Thanks JJ. I am making notes and still reading emails. In the last month he pretty much hasn't changed his story.... that being the BS realizing and accepting that it's over, and agreeing to move on... and having everything wrapped up by end of summer. He also says several times how he'd understand if I needed to back off.

 

So, I need to back off. I'm not sure when we'll talk. Work is work, and it's hard to talk there. Maybe after work or at lunch. I dunno.

 

I am peeved that he can't take the first step. I'm pretty sure he has realized there is nothing left for him there. A month ago, he couldn't say that so I am going to ask him that. I don't want our future to depend on her decision... another good statement.

 

He keeps saying/believing we're another step closer, but as with most affairs like this it's one step forward, two steps back. And then there are all the dreams we have, he always brings those up, things we'll do in our future together. I try not to dream so much because I know it only makes it harder to be patient.

 

THe words in his last email that upset me the most were "I think we'll be going back to a session in a couple of weeks, and if we last that long I'll be saying there that I can't give enough effort to try and that should be the end of things. So I think this will end up on track to be all wrapped up by the end of the summer, and there should even be some time to enjoy the summer with you and I :)" I think I think I think ugggghhhH!!!!!!!!

 

Yes jj I am trying so hard to be understanding, be a friend to him, be patient, and I am not the best at dealing with conflict either. I hardly ever get mad and rarely vocal about it. I turn red and my bottom lip quivvers and that's about it. I feel like the last thing he needs is to have two women crying in front of him all the time. (BS cries all the time now, can't believe this is happening, says it's not fair, but then makes demands telling him he can't stay for drinks after work, can't go to company functions, and he does anyway, then says she can't do this anymore and spends a night at her moms, then comes back with more demands).

[jj33]

Oh MWC. Its so much easier to read these things when you arent in the thick of it but...

 

1. Of course his W is devastated - wouldnt you be? And he STILL doesnt have the balls to tell her NO I AM NOT TRYING. The marraige is over.

 

He is giving her false hope. It is incredibly incredibly cruel and cowardly. of COURSE she is putting limits on him. SHE thinks he is sincerely trying to work things out.

 

I hate to say this, but this man is not a good bet. He is a coward. And if you both are bad at conflict where does that leave you? I only hope you plan to get counselling before you go into a 24/7 relationship.

 

2. Of course you are angry he is putting out a time frame that could last from here to 2 years from now. Because he lacks the balls to be honest.

 

You need to tell him you are moving on and cant be involved with him until he is divorced. Why put yourself through this. Also you not being there will give him some incentive to work fast.

 

But there is no reason for you to torture yourself with what is his process when he isnt willing to help himself out of a paper bag. Hed make his wife so uncomfortable shed help him out of it.

 

And of course that wont be the end of things. What planet does he live on? That will only be him saying (maybe) that he cant do this and then its just the start of talking about divorce. Hes dreaming or hoping you will.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I just got another email. The last part said this.

 

"I thought about you dating someone else, and I can't stand that thought. At all. I'm still madly in love with you and it keeps growing. I've dragged this out long enough, and I've put everyone through enough pain. The time is soon for me to rip the bandage off. I think you're right when you said she won't leave, so it'll have to come from me.

 

Please don't give up on us "

 

He said he'll try to call tonight to talk so I replied that I would prefer that since the office isn't a place to talk about these things.

 

I 'm not going to wait until a divorce is final, it takes on average 3 years for a D to be final here. Even legal separation takes 6 months of living apart.

 

I will tell him that we must stop everything to do with our affair until they are no longer living under the same roof. No more sneaking around. I'm not "moving on" in the sense of dating. I am finding myself, getting to a good place and I am so close. He's not there obviously, but I do know him. We've worked closely together for 8 years.

 

We have to keep things on the lowdown anyway because of work and have talked about our "coming out" being the Xmas party.

 

I will talk about all the other points made. I'll tell him I even considered a longer break.

[jj33]

Wow. That is great. You sound really good. And thank GOD he saw the light.

 

Now if you hadnt done what you did, hed still be thinking he could take his sweet time and everyone would follow his tune...

 

The time for him to rip the bandage off is as soon as he can muster it.

 

YOu cant blame his W for being hurt. Of course she is. Look how much you love him and she is his W and the mother of his children.

 

Try if you can to have some compassoin for her. She is not your rival. She is a woman whose world is crumbling around her.

 

Good luck with your talk.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Yeah it won't be easy. I have all my thoughts written in point form for when he calls. I'm trying to organize it in case he doesn't call and I decide to print it and give it to him, but I would prefer not to do that.

 

They don't have any kids. Remember, he is only 32 and I'm 43. Believe me we have weighed this part of our R heavily as I can't have anymore kids.

[sugarmomma]

So you are still married. You've been separated for like 6 years now, right? MWC,I think if this guys divorces his wife and comes to you he is just gonna end up cheating. He's young, immature and uses cheating to deal with his problems and this is a lot of hot mess!!

 

He may want to have kids one day and you can't so why bother with a MM that's younger with no kids? All the "love" aside.

 

I wish you the best.

[fooled once]

He is more concerned about a house and a dog than being with the person he supposedly loves.

and so he should be. I am the one he loves, and there are no guarantees so he is hanging onto his home, but he is just wishing his W wasn't there. If you're deciding whether or not to date someone you are interested in, no matter how deep the feelings, or how the R started this is still the beginning of a relationship, you don't give up your house and your dog!

 

HUH??? He should be more concerned about a house and a dog than being with the person he 'loves'? You really think material possessions and a dog are more important than being with the person you love?

 

And you aren't even divorced.

 

You ARE a distraction for him; something for him to do since he says he doesn't want to be married. He is immature and a coward.

 

I will never get why he won't be a MAN and talk to his wife and stop the bull crap. Rip the bandage off WORDS WORDS WORDS. He is telling you this to keep you around. If he really planned to 'rip the bandage off' it would have been done; not just because you are telling him you want to step back. This is his way of keeping you interested.

 

So you are going to wait around for him for 3+ years to get a divorce (not sure where you live, but how does a divorce for a couple who doesn't have kids take that long? Mine took a 14 months.)

 

He needs time on his own before really getting into a relationship with you. You don't know HIM -- you know bits and pieces of him; you don't really SEE HIM -- you don't really KNOW him. You can't. He lives with is wife; he shares dinners with her, nights watching TV.

 

And I agree with jj -- you are hurting and you are his side fling; can you image how his WIFE feels? And she doesn't know he is involved with someone on the side. And when she does find out, she is going to throw the book at him. If he thinks things are 'hard' now; wait until her wrath comes out.

 

And remember, you only are hearing HIS side of things and you are only HEARING his version of things. His wife may cry because he hits her? His wife may cry because he treats her poorly.

 

But, in his mind, it is more important for him to be passive and not do anything because he doesn't want to lose a house and a dog?

[jj33]

Oh MWC I didnt realize all the facts.

 

First of all he is 32. hes not 50 or 60 and worried about losing half his life savings and what to do about retirement. If he cant deal with that at 32 there is something very wrong.

 

Second, he is 32 and 11 years younger ... at that age it is still significant. when I was in my mid 40s I was with a man that age. The relationship was great but the issue of children was a big deal. We could have had children together but I would have been an older mother.

 

Third, he has no kids and he STILL cant be a man and just tell her.

 

You dont want to hear this but RUN dont walk. RUN RUN RUN for your life unless you see him as your transitional man.

 

People sometimes come into our lives for a reason. He may be the person who helped you through the pain of your divorce and got you to finalize it.

 

But if you let him he may also be the man who uses you to grow up and become a man in deed and not just in years. And once he is all "growed up" he may decide he is ready for the responsibility of kids. Ready to have a family. Ready for the things he wasnt ready for at 32.

 

He may be with you and realize he wants all these things and more.

 

I know we cant choose who we love. We cant just find the love of our lives the way we can a new car, but he is not a good bet.

 

Look I know if my xMM got divorced and I posted on here and said hes leaving and we are going to be together people would scream and say after everything. How could you? And depending on the circumstances, I might take a chance anyway.

 

But you need to be very very careful. He is not showing signs of someone who is trying to do the right thing. He is not trying to be upfront and honest.

 

I look back on my situation and as difficult as its been, we have been apart for 2 years. he has been scrupulous about saying we need to put the feelings aside they are there but there is nothwhere for this to go while he is married. Yes every once in awhile he came back and said could we try again. We didnt because it would never have been enough.

 

But almost a year ago he promised he wouldnt do that again unless he had something serious to offer me (ie he was divorced). For all my complaints about the difficulties in doing business together I respect that. If I were a different person I would have done a better job in moving on before now and would not have been half so reactive to the stupid little things he says from time to time. That is just him coping in the way he copes. If I were more mature I would ignore it. Im not. I am too reactive. And if ever had been together properly that would have been an issue I would have had to deal with. You cant be that reactive to every little thing all the time (as I am). You need to learn not to sweat the small stuff. But I was not being handled a load of BS over the past 2 years.

 

So I get what you are saying about the feelings not disappearing just because you are apart. but that is not a good enough reason to stay by his side, watching the blow by blow of the divorce.

 

And when you look at how he has dealt with this, he has not been honorable in any way. Not towards you and not towards his W. Knowing that he does not have children I am blown away by his cowardice.

 

There may be many facts that you arent posting, after all this is a public forum. I hope there are mitigating factors, because on the face of it, it does not look good.

 

Im sorry as Im sure this is not what you want to hear especially when you feel you may be so close to being together. But if you can detach enough to see what it looks like from the outside, its not a pretty picture.

 

Hang in there. Detach to the best of your ability. Otherwise you may be in for a rocky ride.

[fooled once]

Something else that concerns me....

 

he has no kids; you have 4.

 

He says he doesn't want any now; but that may change. After he grows up, he may decide he does want kids.

 

BUT, he may also not treat your kids well. And I am not sure of the ages of your kids, but they may wonder if he was a reason for the divorce from their dad. He may also decide he doesn't LIKE kids, period. And you have 3.

 

I knew a girl who had a son. She was mid 30's and her son was like 10. She had been divorced 3 times already. She started dating a man 10 years younger than her. He wasn't interested in kids and she gave her ex husband (#2 - and he wasn't even the FATHER of the kid) her son to raise because her boyfriend didn't really want a kid in the house full time.

 

She is still living with/dating this guy. She is almost 40 and he is almost 30. She gave her son away for a guy. A guy who has had 3 DWI's, has lost his license for 10 years, who is an alcoholic, who has a menial job and barely has money.

 

She gave away her child for this guy. And you can bet, down the road, she will regret it (she cannot physically have more kids). Her son will eventually resent her for giving him away for a guy.

 

My point is be careful; especially with your kids lives and trust. You need to ensure they are surrounded by honorable people; role models. This MM you are seeing isn't, IMHO, a good role model.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Detach and view from the outside. A perfect choice of words, however I've been observing him for years, at work, and mostly I was in awe of what a wonderful man he is (really!) This is the most difficult period he has ever experienced in his life (well, he is only 32).

 

He wasn't and isn't my transition. I had a transition guy, a few of them. One also was a coworker, and I was his transition but only as a friend. And I hardly consider myself married. I am legally separated, soon to be divorced. He's in a 2 1/2 year R with someone else, and I have had several R's over the last 4 1/2 years.

 

Well, MM called and I had all my notes together. So I gave him the bottom line first. That I can't be with him or sneak around while they are still living together. I told him his last email made me feel better, that he finally realizes he is being really unfair to her, and that both of them would be relieved if he pulled the plug on their marriage.

 

He was so worried about hurting her, but she is already hurting. He agreed that is what he needs to do. I didn't ask when or how. It's all up to him now. I told him I need him to begin the process of moving on if he wants to be with me.

 

I said the affair is paused. No contact outside of work, and no talking about it at work. The only thing I want to hear is "we've moved on and no longer live together" and he said he woudn't bring it up, only if I did.

 

He wanted to call me later tonight, I said no, then wavered a bit thinking well maybe he should have time to absorb this too and get his thoughts together, and he said, no it's okay, see you at work tomorrow.

 

So this gives us both time to think. He has two decisions - one... leave his wife if there is nothing left there for him, or commit to his M. two... decide if he wants to be with me. Really, they are separate but he can't have #2 if he doesn't leave.

 

Thanks for all your insight. JJ, we really have discussed everything to death about the age, and where we want to be in 5-10 years, kids, everything. Sure there are always unpleasant surprises, but there are in any relationship. We also talked about work, and he would request different positions for us so that I no longer report to him once our R is out in the open.

 

So I said to him we know how we feel today. If it takes until the end of summer, I will probably feel the same way. Any longer, he knows there are no guarantees. This was for the best. We are both off the hook on one hand if this dissolves. And my heart is protected.