Taking a break from physical contact but...

[jj33]

Im glad you feel good about it. That is the most important thing. Its easy to say detach (God knows Ive not done a good job of that and with no encouragement not to) but its an aspirational goal.

 

I hope tomorrow goes well.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Something else that concerns me....

 

he has no kids; you have 4.

 

He says he doesn't want any now; but that may change. After he grows up, he may decide he does want kids.

 

BUT, he may also not treat your kids well. And I am not sure of the ages of your kids, but they may wonder if he was a reason for the divorce from their dad. He may also decide he doesn't LIKE kids, period. And you have 3.

 

I knew a girl who had a son. She was mid 30's and her son was like 10. She had been divorced 3 times already. She started dating a man 10 years younger than her. He wasn't interested in kids and she gave her ex husband (#2 - and he wasn't even the FATHER of the kid) her son to raise because her boyfriend didn't really want a kid in the house full time.

 

She is still living with/dating this guy. She is almost 40 and he is almost 30. She gave her son away for a guy. A guy who has had 3 DWI's, has lost his license for 10 years, who is an alcoholic, who has a menial job and barely has money.

 

She gave away her child for this guy. And you can bet, down the road, she will regret it (she cannot physically have more kids). Her son will eventually resent her for giving him away for a guy.

 

My point is be careful; especially with your kids lives and trust. You need to ensure they are surrounded by honorable people; role models. This MM you are seeing isn't, IMHO, a good role model.

 

 

I have two kids, they are 12 and 14 and really good kids. He has met them (remember, we work together) and he really is a good guy. He's one of the most intelligent guys I've ever known. I am not worried at all about this. They are well adjusted kids, their dad is awesome, and MM understands the importance of my kids in my life, as well as a few other things in my life I won't mention.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Im glad you feel good about it. That is the most important thing. Its easy to say detach (God knows Ive not done a good job of that and with no encouragement not to) but its an aspirational goal.

 

I hope tomorrow goes well.

 

Thanks. I hope so too. It's a short week at least. I am going to have to find something to keep me busy the following week as both my kids go away to camp. Hmmm I have some landscaping to do! perfect!

[fooled once]

You report to him?

 

Oh my gosh.... when this gets out, and it will, it usually does, one of you may be terminated; probably him for having a relationship with someone who reports to him.

 

I really don't have a positive view of this for the future; I don't understand how he is such a "good guy" when he treats his wife so horribly, when he treats you less than respectful and how cowardly he is.

 

I DO wish you the best; but I bet by the end of the year, you and he will not be together and he will still be wishy washy about his marriage.

 

And I hope for your sake, you find a new job and do not get involved with your boss.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Our work environment is pretty good. We accomplish so much together, but I can easily report to someone else. He has been offered other positions, and there is room for me to move up as well. If one of us has to leave, no biggie. The bad economy hasn't hit our area like the rest of N. America. I would have a new job in a day with what I do, and probably make more money too.

 

People already suspect something is going on. So if and when we make it known, it won't be a surprise to anyone. Maybe that will never happen, we have a long road. Today was day 1.

[Gamine]

FooledOnce, I do have kids, and my marriage ended nearly 5 years ago. After the talk, I looked for a house, found one, but we still lived together for a few more months until I got possession. We also have 2 kids. So I have been there. I didn't accept less than I was getting out of my marriage after on and off counselling and a trial separation a few years earlier. So I also know how things can't happen overnight.

 

He is more concerned about a house and a dog than being with the person he supposedly loves.

and so he should be. I am the one he loves, and there are no guarantees so he is hanging onto his home, but he is just wishing his W wasn't there. If you're deciding whether or not to date someone you are interested in, no matter how deep the feelings, or how the R started this is still the beginning of a relationship, you don't give up your house and your dog!

 

Okay, newsflash: I got an email today. He "figures" they will go for another counselling session in a couple of weeks, if they make it (his words) and things are still going according to planned (she is making demands, he is not meeting them) and all should be tied up by the end of summer.

 

I told him that I wanted to gather my thoughts and talk about it rather than reply to the email. So here I am, on LS with a pad of paper and all the emails from him in my Saved box. Now what do I do?

 

 

Okay, so if you want a 'bird's eye view' into how you can expect to be treated by this man look to how he is behaving in his present marriage. There is a problem = sorting it out somewhere else, lie, self protect and manipulate. If these are the qualities or traits you are looking for then this guy is your fella!

 

Listen, since you've been down the divorce path you know the deal. What could you find possibly... even remotely... attractive about a man who is a psychological child? Because... my dear... that is precisely what you'd be getting. Look at how he is managing his present marriage and know, with certainty, this is how he manages. What on earth could possibly be alluring about his behavior?

 

Here's what I think... His wife is disgusted with him, threatens to leave him, and is in MC to figure out whether he can clean up his act and be a good husband. He, unknown to her, is cheating on her as well... and, the cheating has probably contributed to his being a lousy husband. He is a cake eater in actuality and probably doesn't want a divorce, but since he doesn't want to be alone either... lined up an alternate plan in the form of an affair. I personally think his wife is the one who is wanting out more than him and I'd bet good money that he is in actuality the one wanting the marriage to stay put. He is keeping you on the side most definitively as Plan B. Yet, you claim your feelings for each other just keep growing and growing. Well, not to be mean spirited... but it sounds like the two of you deserve each other. Then you can be stuck with a guy who cheats on you, lies to you, and forms his Plan B strategies behind your back so 'his' needs are being met. Clearly life doesn't begin at 40... apparently, life at 40 includes being an active participant in breaking up marriages and hoping for something on the back end. Aren't there any single men with whom you can become involved who are actual adults?

[NoIDidn't]

OMG! He's only 32 and already acting like he's been married for 30 years by trying to make his W do the deed for him?!

 

This is NOT a good man. He's not worth the time of day until he GROWS UP and GROWS A PAIR.

 

I think his W is going to find out about what is happening and he is going to backtrack so fast your head is going to spin. He's going to see how much he actually DID hurt her by lying and trying to push her out of their marriage. AND, if this is found out at work, he is likely going to lose his job (you too if you don't perform well).

 

I have seen this so many times IRL it isn't funny. And its really not.

 

This guy is a bad bet for you. Even your children ages give me pause with this immature 32 yo.

 

Please truly consider his behavior in light of what he is doing to someone else NOT just in the light of what you HOPE to get out of it.

[whichwayisup]

I think he's omitting ALOT and making it seem like his wife is the one BEGGING him to stay and he's just there to 'pretend to give it one more try'. The thing is, 9/10 when a BS says ENOUGH and GET OUT, it's the CS that freaks out and acts desparate to hang on. They are the ones to BEG and plead to stay and work it out.

 

Don't believe all that he's telling you as it's only ONE side of it. Read between the lines abit too/

 

Good post NID.

[2sure]

His wife is disgusted with him' date=' threatens to leave him, and is in MC to figure out whether he can clean up his act and be a good husband.[/u'] I personally think his wife is the one who is wanting out more than him and I'd bet good money that he is in actuality the one wanting the marriage to stay put. [/b]

 

The fact that it is even remotely possible for this man, at this point, to convince his wife (and thats just what he had to do times 10) that there isn't someone else...

 

Not only supports the above quote but should also give you a heads up that you are the one on the other side of the manipulation. A man that deceives and manipulates TO THAT EXTENT doesnt just do it one way.

[PhoenixRise]

The behavior of the MM described in this thread is just so incredibly cruel.

 

MWC this man is saying things to his wife and probaly taking actions that lead HER to believe he WANTS to save and improve the marriage. At the same time he is deliberately being hurtful and cruel, and emotionally abusing her because HE wants her to leave. She is working hard to save the marriage and to deal with all the crap he is dishing up because she believes he loves her and because she doesn't know about you waiting in the wings.

 

I saw that you said you are taking a pause in the physical part of your relationship. This is good. I hope during this pause you will stop seeing the BW as just an obstacle to your happy realtionship to the MM.

 

She is a human being and she does not deserve to be tortured just because it is more convieniant for MM to do so.

 

AND MWC---Please consider that the behavior you are condoning in the MM dealings with his W is setting the benchmark for the kind of behavior you will also recieve.

 

If you do "get" him, the amoral, emotionally abusive, manipulating, SOB is NOT going to suddenly become a good man just because he is now YOUR MM/H.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You all seem to be judging him based on his recent behavior. As I said, I have stopped the affair until he ends his marriage and they are living apart. We had a series of long talks at work today. He knows he is being an a-hole and has realized it's not working. I told him he better stop being an a-hole because I don't want to be with an a-hole (in my assertive voice, I did not smile).

 

Circumstances prevent him from ending it for another week but it doesn't matter to me if he takes two weeks or two months. I told him the pause button has been pressed, and when and if the play button gets pressed again, I may not be where he hopes I am. I drew him a picture ... where I am today and where I am going (to a better place for me) and showed where he is, where he was, where he was before, and it's all over the map today.

 

He thinks he is just a step behind me, and still plans for the dust to be settled by the end of summer. I questioned him on wanting to stay in his house, and he's okay with finding a new place. It's a longer story as to his reason for wanting to stay in that house, and it's all good.

 

His W suspects and assumes we slept together but without his confession she is giving him the benefit of the doubt. She also said this past wknd was the final straw. No more chances (eg him not meeting her demands). So, he could go out with his buddies and piss her off, but he won't do that now. And just so she doesn't get the wrong impression he will tell her in the next couple of weeks that he can't try anymore and it's best they both move on.

 

So that's that. I'll keep you posted while I live my life and follow my path to my own happiness.

[fooled once]

Why a couple weeks? I don't get that.

 

why can't he man up and tell his wife NOW that he wants out? I think he is playing both of you off each other. I am betting he is doing NOTHING to meet her 'demands' -- which I am sure are no different than any wife's 'demands' of a husband.

 

Sorry, he sounds like a huge coward.

 

But good luck to you -- just remember, how he treats his wife IS a precursor to how he WILL treat you; once the affair fairy dust settles.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

There are good reasons I can't post here but I'm sure you would understand.

[PhoenixRise]

You all seem to be judging him based on his recent behavior. As I said, I have stopped the affair until he ends his marriage and they are living apart. We had a series of long talks at work today. He knows he is being an a-hole and has realized it's not working. I told him he better stop being an a-hole because I don't want to be with an a-hole (in my assertive voice, I did not smile).

 

Circumstances prevent him from ending it for another week but it doesn't matter to me if he takes two weeks or two months. I told him the pause button has been pressed, and when and if the play button gets pressed again, I may not be where he hopes I am. I drew him a picture ... where I am today and where I am going (to a better place for me) and showed where he is, where he was, where he was before, and it's all over the map today.

 

He thinks he is just a step behind me, and still plans for the dust to be settled by the end of summer. I questioned him on wanting to stay in his house, and he's okay with finding a new place. It's a longer story as to his reason for wanting to stay in that house, and it's all good.

 

His W suspects and assumes we slept together but without his confession she is giving him the benefit of the doubt. She also said this past wknd was the final straw. No more chances (eg him not meeting her demands). So, he could go out with his buddies and piss her off, but he won't do that now. And just so she doesn't get the wrong impression he will tell her in the next couple of weeks that he can't try anymore and it's best they both move on.

 

 

 

So that's that. I'll keep you posted while I live my life and follow my path to my own happiness.

 

So what is going to change that in the next couple of weeks he will tell her?

 

AND

 

What will he be doing in the meantime?

 

Going to MC with her?

Talking to her about their marital recovery?

Reassuring her that he is not in an affair with you?

Continuing to mess with her head in letting her believe they are BOTH working on the marriage?

 

Why can't he tell her the truth about her life now? He wants to be with you. He said he is no longer interested in keeping the house. I figure an equitable arraingement can be made regarding the dog. They have no children. So. Why. Wait.

 

If you and MM are ment to be and you love each other and it just gets better and better as you say.....fine. Be. Together.

 

I just can't understand why your great joy has to come at the expense of Intentional Infliction of Cruelty on the BS.

 

AND.....even as I am typing this I am realizing that you don't care about what he is doing to his wife because you hope to benefit from it and because you think he will treat you differently.

 

Good Luck. I can truly say that I hope you get what you want out of this. I also hope the wife gets a clue before she gets trampled on any futher

[jj33]

The behavior of the MM described in this thread is just so incredibly cruel.

 

MWC this man is saying things to his wife and probaly taking actions that lead HER to believe he WANTS to save and improve the marriage. At the same time he is deliberately being hurtful and cruel, and emotionally abusing her because HE wants her to leave. She is working hard to save the marriage and to deal with all the crap he is dishing up because she believes he loves her and because she doesn't know about you waiting in the wings.

 

I saw that you said you are taking a pause in the physical part of your relationship. This is good. I hope during this pause you will stop seeing the BW as just an obstacle to your happy realtionship to the MM.

 

She is a human being and she does not deserve to be tortured just because it is more convieniant for MM to do so.

 

AND MWC---Please consider that the behavior you are condoning in the MM dealings with his W is setting the benchmark for the kind of behavior you will also recieve.

 

If you do "get" him, the amoral, emotionally abusive, manipulating, SOB is NOT going to suddenly become a good man just because he is now YOUR MM/H.

 

Exactly. This man is being so unbelievably cruel to his wife and while there is never any reason, in this case it is unfathomable WHY he cant say something. Hes young, no children....

 

MWC says there are reasons which would make sense to us if we unerstand, but it is hard to think of what might be so important that it would tip the tables in favor of him being a good guy.

[PhoenixRise]

Exactly. This man is being so unbelievably cruel to his wife and while there is never any reason, in this case it is unfathomable WHY he cant say something. Hes young, no children....

 

MWC says there are reasons which would make sense to us if we unerstand, but it is hard to think of what might be so important that it would tip the tables in favor of him being a good guy.

 

 

I can't imagine any "reason" that would justify the head games this MM is playing with his wife. He is not a good guy.

[jj33]

me neither. I strongly suspect either he has fed her the my W is unstable if I tell her she will slip over the edge. Even if its true, knowing he wants to leave, he should leave. Gaslighting her will only make it worse.

 

The other old time favorite is that culturally he or she will be shunned if he instigates the divorce.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm not pausing the affair to put pressure on him to be with me. I'm pausing it so he can stop being an a-hole and make a decision to stay or to go and not cause her any more pain than he already has. He agrees.

 

The only way he can stay is if he can commit to working on the marriage. He also realizes this may mean a full confession. He is not considering this.

 

My take on it is if he is nice to her (versus being an azz) she might get the wrong impression but either way she will be and is being hurt. But I also realize that if he is being nice to her, and not an a-hole this could open up a whole new world of possibilities for his M. And maybe he will decide to work things out if that is what he feels will truly make him happy in life.

 

By backing off I am giving him time to really think this through. I've said in other posts, I want him to be happy, and if he needs a couple more weeks to finalize his decision, whatever that may be, it makes no difference to where I am going in my life.

 

This hasn't been going on for years like some affairs, some affairs take 4-5 years to get to this point. It will NOT go on past the end of summer. If they are still living together I am pressing the stop button permanently. He agrees that if they are still together at that time, then he obviously deep down feels there is something left there for him... or something, and he knows I will be moving on.

[NoIDidn't]

I can't imagine any "reason" that would justify the head games this MM is playing with his wife. He is not a good guy.

 

Me neither. There is nothing that would be a good enough reason for me for him to be cruel to his W. His own W. The woman he stood with in front of family and friends and vowed his life to. If he can be cruel to her, I would want NO PART of him.

 

Not even his friendship.

[ForumFool]

Hi I think you are now doing a lot of things that will be helpful for all of you..you...wife and mm....I might suggest you move it to total NC in ANY way till he has papers in hand....I applaud you for thinking of the dog..crazy as that sounds (I am not being sarcastic ) my husband KNOWS the dog goes with me and I would make it hell on earth for him if he even thought to take him....also my vet knows I am more responsible...The thing is the dog...doesn't know why someday he will not see 1 of the people who has been in his life for 5 years...Thank God we don't have kids....I would suggest you really watch your heart cause your MM sounds like a sociopath....a man would just say lets get a divorce...file and let the lawyers fight about the house....but the man is playing mindgames with either his wife or you...He ought to let the house go and not mess with someones head and heart..maybe 2 women....and just cut himself loose if he really wants to

[jj33]

FOrum that is a great idea. MWC you need to have NO contact whatsoever. You dont know what will happen over the coming weeks and months.

 

He may come to a different view. He needs the distance while he is coping with his particular issues with his W to do what needs to be done for her, for him and for their marriage.

 

The best thing you can do for both of you is stay far far away.

 

Hang in there. Things always turn out for the best, its the waiting that provokes the anxiety.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Total NC is impossible because we work very closely together. He's not a monster guys, jeez. Even his wife sees through his phoney a-holeism because that's just not who he is.

 

Anyway he did explain the house. I live in a different city (45 min away) and closer to work. He gave lots of reasons why staying in that house was better for us. It worked for me, and we had talked about the possibility of moving in together in a year, in my town. If he bought a house here now, it would be alot of pressure on our relationship to flourish at a time where we really need to take things slowly. He still considers moving - so he was not adamant about staying in that house (as long as he gets his dog )

 

I had been thinking if he stayed there, and she left, it would be easier for him to let her come back. He assured me she is very stubborn and for both of them, when it's over it's over. And know what? I left my H, he stayed in the house, and I NEVER had the urge to go back.

 

Our affair is not continuing. When they are living apart we will reassess our feelings and see if we can have a relationship.

[fooled once]

You affair is continuining if you continue to interact with him in ANY way besides 'work'. The fact that you two are discussing where to live and all --- when he hasn't even DECIDED if he is leaving his wife?

 

I can't believe you are standing there waiting in the wings to see what decision he makes....

[bentnotbroken]

Total NC is impossible because we work very closely together. He's not a monster guys, jeez. Even his wife sees through his phoney a-holeism because that's just not who he is.

 

Anyway he did explain the house. I live in a different city (45 min away) and closer to work. He gave lots of reasons why staying in that house was better for us. It worked for me, and we had talked about the possibility of moving in together in a year, in my town. If he bought a house here now, it would be alot of pressure on our relationship to flourish at a time where we really need to take things slowly. He still considers moving - so he was not adamant about staying in that house (as long as he gets his dog )

 

I had been thinking if he stayed there, and she left, it would be easier for him to let her come back. He assured me she is very stubborn and for both of them, when it's over it's over. And know what? I left my H, he stayed in the house, and I NEVER had the urge to go back.

 

Our affair is not continuing. When they are living apart we will reassess our feelings and see if we can have a relationship.

 

 

Guess what? YOU, are as guilty as this man in the way his wife is being treated at this point. Any contact that you keep, any hope that you have, any extension of time that you give, even waiting around(whether you date or not) is aiding in the cruel torture that he is exercising on his wife. What kind of person would stand by and watch the cruelty perpetrated on another person that you have posted about here?

 

You judgement in what type of person this human is is seriously flawed at best and you are enjoying it at worst. This is a woman's life, family, sanity that you two are playing with. Do you think he will magically change his ways if the 2 of you get together? Do you think he wouldn't sink that low with you if he makes his mind up to do so? OMG:eek:, What is this saying about what you are willing to allow in your life? This isn't a nice, good, or kind person. You say we judge him on what he has done the last few months, says you. My bet would be he has always been like this, cruel and evil to get what he wants. Lasts few months my eye. We can't judge him thank God, I wish I could. I would come up with a number of things that he deserves, but God is merciful.

 

Why not rethink what your role in this mess is, because it is getting bigger by the day and whatever crap you lay down in others path, you eventually have to go back and pick up to carry for yourself. This man is one of the most disgusting pieces of breathing crap I have ever read about on here. I hope he gets the dog, maybe the dog can teach him something.

[Awesome84]

Even his wife sees through his phoney a-holeism because that's just not who he is.

 

People who are a--holes are NEVER being phony.

 

I hope he gets the dog, maybe the dog can teach him something.

 

Nope... I hope he doesn't get the dog. Dogs deserve to be around good people.