Taking a break from physical contact but...

[Athena]

Dollars to doughnuts these two cases of arrested development are at each others soulmate throats in no time once they see each other in the light of day.

 

Lol :lmao:

[Reggie]

Counseling is a good idea. You need help, so you can turn your life around.

[Athena]

You did say you would live in HIS house; the house he and his wife shared.

 

And you are taking this LIARS word for what his wife is SAYING or FEELING. You are deciding things for her without even KNOWING her.

 

Maybe she doesn't KNOW her marriage is in serious trouble. How would she know that when her HUSBAND is still there? Sure, he has some apartment which YOU even said isn't a HOME, it is a place to put his head.

 

And HOW have you stopped the affair when you two continue to discuss what you two will be doing in the future?

 

yet then you imply that you will get together right after he moves out Then

 

And

 

So he wants to pretend he is this stand up guy? The guy who didn't kick his wife out? The guy who is more worried about a freaking HOUSE than supposedly being with his true soulmate? And of course, no one can know he had an affair; but since he is so afraid to be alone, how can he live on his own? Oh that's right, you are going to move into her home after he makes her so miserable she leaves. Real nice guy

 

then

 

So he loves YOU, but just in case you two don't work out, he wants the house. OH, and he is going to marriage counseling, but not really to work on his marriage, but to pretend to his wife that he is working on the marriage and then in weeks/months, he will announce the marriage isn't working, but since he doesn't want to "kick her out" ..... what if she says she wants more time to work on things? Will he then come clean and let her know he has been having an affair and he wants the house and you are ready to move in so can she pack her crap and get out?

 

How is she realizing the marriage is over (his words) but still going to marriage counseling?

 

So why are you deciding what is happening in his marriage? he doesn't even seem to know what is happening.

 

He knows you are pissed and now stopping having sex with him. Don't you think he is going to feed you all kinds of crap to keep you hanging on? He knows he can wear you down with the promises of the future.

 

So again, instead of being a man and stopping this farse of a marriage, he is continuing to lead his wife to believe he is working on things. Then he is going to shock her by announcing in marriage counseling -- in a couple weeks -- that the marriage is over and then he will have to hope she is humiliated enough to move out; because he won't kick her out, because he wants the house.

 

And again you are giving him ultimateums. He doesn't like those. He doesn't want to lose you, but he doesn't want to give up his wife. He knows you won't really stop the affair with him.

 

On June 28, you posted

 

Then the next day you posted:

How exactly are you stopping the affair?

 

And finally

 

So which is it? He has to leave the house he loves or he needs to leave the house because he wouldn't be able to not let her come back if she wanted to? So he DOES love her because if you don't love someone, you wouldn't want them to come back. Yet.....

 

Sorry, I more

 

How exactly again are you not continuing the affair? Since you said on June 27 that you were stopping the affair, how many times have you talked to him outside of work? How many times have you emailed with him? How many times at WORK did you discuss the affair?

 

I think you are in denial about it all. I think you want it to work so badly, you are turning a blind eye to it all.

 

I am not saying you are wrong or bad, but you aren't being honest with yourself.

 

He isn't being honest with anyone -- you, his wife, the therapist.... I am not sure if this immature 32 year old knows the truth anymore. I think he does care about you. I think he does care about his wife. You are telling him to pick on and I don't think he is ready to pick one. And you are telling him "if you don't pick me by the end of the summer, I am done".

 

wow -- nicely summed up -- he sounds like a real piece of work.

[Athena]

There are lots of people who are superficially charming and who have loads of good qualities but when it comes down to it, they treat those they love badly.

 

This sentence really spoke to me. A good post, JJ.

[PhoenixRise]

You seem to know him pretty well. fyi..He has been with a total of 4 women in his life to my 20 (including several affairs). I already know I'm the serial cheater, so maybe you can tell me right now I don't deserve to be in any relationship. I might as well give up on love and spend the rest of my life single. Oh wait, there's counselling, yes, I did make a call today to get started on that.

 

 

 

This explains a lot about why his cruelty to his wife doesn't seem to register with you.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

This explains a lot about why his cruelty to his wife doesn't seem to register with you.

 

Of course it registers. It registered with both of us. How do you think we got here today? I would never want to be treated that way.

 

I know a few of you have told me to run for the hills. You know as well as I that I won't do that. Nothing will happen between he and I until he is separated and that could be forever but doesn't change the path I am on.

 

I don't have to go anywhere because my life is here in my home, with my children, in my town, in my office, my job. He is choosing his path and I may or may not be on it, and that's okay.

[PhoenixRise]

Of course it registers. It registered with both of us. How do you think we got here today? I would never want to be treated that way.

 

I know a few of you have told me to run for the hills. You know as well as I that I won't do that. Nothing will happen between he and I until he is separated and that could be forever but doesn't change the path I am on.

 

I don't have to go anywhere because my life is here in my home, with my children, in my town, in my office, my job. He is choosing his path and I may or may not be on it, and that's okay.

 

MWC I know it registers with HIM. That is the problem. HE is deliberately messing with her head so that he doesn't have to look like the bad guy and up until recently so that he could be assured of keeping the dog and the house. According to you he is completely aware of exactly what he is doing and why.

 

I know you are not going to run for the hills. Because you love him, You are going to wait in the wings while he continues to torture his wife until he finally breaks her and she leaves.

 

What is not registering with you is this: His wife loved him when she married him. In fact, she still loves him. All the love and care that he is giving you he once gave to her. He probaly talked to HER at one time about the grand and wonderful future they would have. AND YET he is NOW deliberately torturing her because as a matter of convieniance, he wants the house and dog.

 

Also not registering: The fact that he could end this reprehensible behavior at any time. Is it that much easier for him to play elaborate mind games with his wife, making her think HE is trying to save the marriage while at the same time deliberately hurting her, than it would be for him to say "Wife, I just don't love you anymore and I have found someone new. I have contacted the attorney regarding an equitable divorce?

 

 

 

MWC, I know you don't believe it because you think that with YOU things will be different. But his actions with his wife are showing you WHO HE IS and what he is capable of.

[jj33]

MWC we all think we are not being an "option" but we are to the extent that if he/she were free we would give it a shot. Its impossible for you to feel any other way today.

 

But depending on how long he holds on there, you may find that your view changes. the smallest things can speak to you and suddenly what once seemed predestined seems like an opportunity to sit in a tub with rotting fish.

[Mary3]

MWC we all think we are not being an "option" but we are to the extent that if he/she were free we would give it a shot. Its impossible for you to feel any other way today.

 

But depending on how long he holds on there, you may find that your view changes. the smallest things can speak to you and suddenly what once seemed predestined seems like an opportunity to sit in a tub with rotting fish.[/QUOTE]

 

Very eloquently spoken

[Mary3]

You seem to know him pretty well. fyi..He has been with a total of 4 women in his life to my 20 (including several affairs). I already know I'm the serial cheater, so maybe you can tell me right now I don't deserve to be in any relationship. I might as well give up on love and spend the rest of my life single. Oh wait, there's counselling, yes, I did make a call today to get started on that.

 

This is an interesting twist . May I ask why you cheated ? Do you think you will be cheat~free for this guy you like right now ?

How do you know he is sowing his wild young oat and fall out of love with you ? ( or already is starting to ) .

Good thing you are standing ground at your home incase he gets fickle and you end up homeless if you were to move into his wifeys house and then get kicked out.

 

This just has a bad fish smell no matter how much you cover up your nose.

[NoIDidn't]

You seem to know him pretty well. fyi..He has been with a total of 4 women in his life to my 20 (including several affairs). I already know I'm the serial cheater, so maybe you can tell me right now I don't deserve to be in any relationship. I might as well give up on love and spend the rest of my life single. Oh wait, there's counselling, yes, I did make a call today to get started on that.

 

Wow, now THIS explains a lot. No wonder you don't care about what he is doing to his W. You probably did it to your H times 10. You might even be giving him pointers on how to do it.

 

 

Too bad his W doesn't know about the A. You are being really unfair to her in saying that she is being distrustful when you know for a fact that she has every reason to be.

 

This situation gets uglier by the second.

[fooled once]

I sat at my kitchen table and put my thoughts together for six hours on Sunday, and posted here.

 

I told him Sunday night of my plans and he panicked. So we talked at work on Monday and he said he realized his plan wasn't working and he needed to move on.

 

Monday night I was on here (last night) and I felt I was pressuring him. So when we talked today, I wanted to make it clear that the affair was over.

 

I don't want any control, or even to feel any control, over what he decides to do. If he never comes back to tell me things are great between them, if he never comes back to tell me they are still having problems, I am not going to think about what is going on at his home, that is between them while they are living together.

 

If he comes to me in six months after not a word of his situation, well, it's quite possible I won't feel the same way I do today, but it is quite possible I will. I don't know, you don't know.

 

Forget about the house people! He cleared that up. By saying it was better for "us" meant it was better if he lived there in his current house, and I live here in my house. I am not moving. I have children. I own and love my house.

 

It's barely been 48 hours since I made my decision. I have not wavered. I can understand some of your frustration if I have been back and forth for several months, and breaking NC, but please give me the benefit of the doubt that I can be strong enough to do this.

 

I know you aren't open to hearing many of our thoughts and that is fine. I know you aren't going to change anything about your current situation. You are going to hang in there for probably many, many months, maybe even another year before you get tired of being alone.

 

IMHO, you have wavered because you said it was over and then went to him twice more at work to clarify why it was over and to let him know your stance and how long you will wait. And I would bet you have talked to him on the phone every single day since you ended the affair.

 

IF you are still having communication with him, the affair isn't over. You may not be having sex with him, but you are still emotionally invested.

 

I wonder if part of you is truly scared to tell him it is over because then he will put more of an effort into his marriage?

 

Regarding the bolded part, I will be that before the week is out, you will know at least SOMETHING about his home life with his wife.

 

IF it has registered with him how crappy he is treating his wife, and he continues to do it, it means he is a crappy person who doesn't care about others.

 

I really don't care if you acknowledge how crappy he treats is wife; because ultimately, if you continue this relationship and WHEN he starts to treat you that way, you shouldn't be able to complain about it since you watched him do it to the woman he declared his love to, the woman he promised to love, honor and respect.

 

I get that relationships between married people can change. I also get that many today feel it is easier to just bail at the first sign of trouble instead of working together as a couple to 'fix' things. What I don't get and will never sanction is ANYONE sleeping with/having a relationship with another person while MARRIED TO and LIVING WITH their spouse.

 

You are going to do whatever it is you need and that is fine, it is YOUR life. My issue is when you and he play these games and his ACTUAL wife is being hurt by him and by you - whether you believe it or not - putting pressure on him to "pick one" because you don't want to share. I doubt when his wife married him she knew or had any inkling that she would have to share.

 

What is that phrase .....

 

If you love something, and set it free. If it comes back it's yours, if it doesnt it never was

[Chrome Barracuda]

MWC. You have no respect for his wife as a woman, he has no respect of this woman as his wife, he has no respect for you because he's lying to both of you, and your so self absorbed you cannot see because your head is stuck in your azz. You did all that cheating and lying around and guess what at the end of the day, your still be going in circles. no matter of what anyone says here.

 

And also believe this when you become his wife, either you'll get bored and cheat with someone or he'll get tired of your nagging and find a new mistress. I mean why not he did it to his first wife, right? what makes it so different for you.

 

god please have mercy on this blind woman's soul. She does not realize what she do. lol.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If you love something set it free. He is free to do whatever he chooses whenever he chooses. He wasn't mine to "set free". I set myself free.

If it comes back its yours. He may come to me or he may not.

If it doesn't it never was. I've been saying all along that if my feelings change and I've moved on by the time he's free, then it wasn't meant to be. He feels the exact same way.

 

You're right. I might change my view, but it won't be because "I read it on LS that this is what I should do".

 

And how many times to I have to say I have not put any pressure on him. He also said he has not felt any pressure from me. In fact, I ended this and there are no "deadlines" so he could take his time.

 

I wish he would stop hurting her, and either commit or leave, and not so we could run to each other but to stop hurting her! We would have to take it slow, as I would any new relationship. I have kids. We work together. And because alot of your predictions could be right. Don't think I haven't thought about alot of what you've said. Don't think we haven't discussed alot of what you all have said already. He could leave now, and we might not start up our R for another six months, if at all. So why am I still being lambasted for having the affair with him and then ending it? What am I doing now that is pissing some of you off so much? If it's him you're upset with, well sorry, he's not the one posting and I am not passing your views onto him. In fact he texted me twice and emailed me once today and I did not respond.

 

See, I am open to your thoughts but when posters say "I bet this will happen" or "He's going to do this to you" or "you probably think this...." in what way exactly are you being helpful? He'll get tired of my nagging??? Go ask my exH if I ever nagged him about anything. I'm one of the most easy-going laid-back people you will ever know.

[Mary3]

I think its best he move out of his home and be with No~one.

 

Not now , not in 6 weeks , not in 5 months and learn how to live on his own with no contact from you or his wife.