AlektraClementine Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 My fiance and I are planning a wedding for next spring. I have a very small immediate family here in GA (mom, grandmother, 2 brothers). He has mom, dad, one brother but lots of other family in NC. My extended family are all out in the northwestern US and we are not at all close. We each have decided to invite our closest friends (four families on each side). This is the extent of our guest list and we're planning to wed in the middle (geographically). The problem is that his mother would really like for us to invite all of his NC family. Our problem is that A - we want an intimate wedding with spectators who know us well and B - we can't afford a big wedding. My opinion is that anyone who would be offended at not receiving an invite, is someone who is very close to us. I don't particularly care about the opinions of people who don't keep in touch with us. So anyway, MIL is getting pushy with this issue and I know that in the end, she will be very disappointed. What can I do here? I don't want to start this relationship on the wrong foot. Link to post Share on other sites
subdued Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Tell your future mother-in-law that you and your finance would like an intimate wedding, and then suggest that if she would like all of your finance's NC family to come, then you are okay with her holding a large reception to be held after the wedding. Planning, finances,..., should be handled by her. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 A couple of things to consider. First, sometimes family has obligations. Lots of them in fact. Far away relatives, mom's friends we havent seen in 10 years...those are obligations. Now, you can choose to decline or ignore these obligations or to accept them. Problem is your future MIL has the same obligations and you are at the wheel deciding that she has to decline them as well. If you can -tell her how many people your budget will allow you to invite total. She should be given a number of people she can add at her own discretion - given your budget. If she feels she is obligated to invite more than you currently can, maybe she will offer to supplement your budget. If she does, take her up on it. I know you want a smaller wedding but in the end its all about family. Joining 2 families. Including their obligations. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackLovely Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I agree that you may have familial obligations, however, you need to consider your wishes first. After all, this is YOUR day, not your MIL. If she wants extra people, she should pay for them. Couples that have intimate weddings get so much flack from family members not invited. My fiance and I are having an intimate wedding of only 18 guests. My mother isn't pleased, but I don't care. She tried to be overbearing, but I wrote her a letter and she let up. If you and your partner start doing whatever your MIL wants now, it will only get worse. Consider this your first step to asserting yourself as a couple. It might be painful, but it's necessary. I hope you have a lovely wedding! Congratulations dear! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlektraClementine Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks for the replies! We aren't extending invites to anyone outside of parents and siblings. We each have a few close friends we are inviting. We want people who know us well and who are invested in our lives to witness the event. We aren't particularly interested in appeasing those that we never hear from otherwise. I like the idea of this being the 1st test of asserting ourselves as a married couple! Link to post Share on other sites
russelA Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 okay so it's his mother, ask him (your fiancee) to tell her that you two can't afford to have a big wedding so you can invite all of the relatives your MIL wants. let him explain everything to his mother, just be mellow about it. just be cool because it's your wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
singleforever Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 just explain to your MIL what you have explain here, that you want a small intimate wedding with people that actually do care about you and your fiance, maybe she will get it. Link to post Share on other sites
legalrights Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 FMIL came to visit this past saturday. Granted she she rarely visits and when she does, she expects red carpet treatment. I told her in advance, I would not be there as it was my sister's 30th bday and it was a big weekend for my family and we had a lot of things planned. Anyway, my mom and I were at the house, just getting ready to leave to go to my sister's bday lunch. FMIL asked where we were going and I told her. She said she would have liked to come and I told her that we had booked a small private room in an exclusive restaurant and it was already booked to capacity. I also told her that she did not know my sister and my sister did not know her. My mom and I left and FH informs me later that his mom has her nose out of whack as she was not invited. Honestly, my family is not FMIL's family and is seperate from hers. My mother would never have been so rude as to presume she would be invited to a family on FH's side of the family, so why should FMIL feel that way. Plus on top of that, my sister has never met FMIL and she wouldn't want someone she didn't know there, as it was only for close friends and family. Why can't FMIL get that? Link to post Share on other sites
Teslacoil Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 How the heck is your FMIL going to ever meet the rest of your family and be included in family affairs if you don't invite her to events? Personally I would have made an effort to include your FMIL. Why do you have this desire to keep your families so separated? When you get married you're all going to be part of the same family. You seem to be trying to keep everything segregated for some reason. I think your FMIL isn't completely out of whack by being a little offended she wasn't invited. It seems like you were deliberately excluding her. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Hmm. Your FMIL was an invited guest to your home unless you told her not to come. Having a house guest means inviting them to functions you are attending, if you can. Given that this is a family function and by marrying you are combining 2 families...you should have invited her . Dont be surprised if she never includes you in a family function again. Link to post Share on other sites
SC980 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 It was your sister's bday, which meant SHE was the one in charge of inviting people. If she would have chose to invite the MIL then so be it, but since she didn't your MIL needs to grow up. It wasn't your party. You don't get to invite anyone you want to someone else's party! That is rude! You already told her your plans, therefore you are not obligated to entertain her. Her son should have been the one to do that or she should have picked a different weekend to visit. Don't change your life around to fit everyone else or you will end up very unhappy. Don't let her walk all over you. I can tell you from experience that when you start accomodating her every whim it will NEVER stop. I have spent the past 4 years trying to win over my FMIL & she has hated me before we met. As for your wedding - remember it is your wedding. You only get to do it once so make sure it is what you dreamed of. Don't let anyone push you around. They all had their day & now it is yours. Be polite, but firm with everyone & if they love you they will support you. Link to post Share on other sites
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