- affair ended need input

[bdadam]

I am a married woman with 4 children who has been involved with a married man (co-worker) for the past year. He has 2 children close in age to mine.

We became friendly at work (we don't work in the same state, though for the same company) via phone and e-mail and quickly discovered we have a lot in common. We get along very well.

 

The emotional affair turned physical a year ago. We see each other once every 4 weeks. He is passionate, giving, kind, tender, etc. He is everything I have wanted. I am crazy about him, and he feels the same way about me. We naively thought we would be able to continue on like this for quite some time. Neither of us are happy in our marriages (he is less happy than I am) but neither of us want to leave our families while the children are young. We often talked about being together when the children are grown. Most likely impossible, I know.

 

Two days ago his wife was going through his cell phone and found an explicit text from me. He confessed everything to her, who I am, how often we meet, etc. She asked him if he was in love with me and he said no. He told me that was a lie and that his feelings for me haven't changed at all. I was stunned. We were supposed to see each other in one week, for a week together. He says he can't possibly be physical with me next week and still be able to look his wife in the eye. While I understand, I am hurt and feel slighted. I guess I know it needs to end but I can't stop crying and thinking about him. I hate that things are changing. I knew I couldn't continue on like this forever, but I didn't want it to end now, and so abruptly. He wants to continue talking daily, and continue the emotional connection. I don't know how I can do that. I feel like I may begin to resent him. Also, I question how he can do that and look his wife in the eye, if he says he can't do the physical.

 

He asked that we both take this weekend to see how we feel and to not make a rash decision. We are going to talk on Monday. I know I should end it, that it's the right thing to do. The thought of not having him in my life is devastating. I am so connected to him, emotionally. He has become one of my closest friends this past year.

 

Should I end it Monday? Should I cut all non-work related contact with him? I already feel like if he changes his mind about the physical, I will cave. How do I see him in one week (it's work related) for an entire week? Not going on the work retreat is not an option for either of us. I can't bear the thought of seeing him and not being with him. If we weren't seeing each other in the affair monthly, we would only have cause to see one another twice a year, for a week. Unfortunately, that time is in one week.

 

Thank you for your help and insight.

[seibert253]

He threw you under the bus. I wonder if your husband got a phone call from his wife yet, because it's coming.

 

Get ready for an interesting ride, better line up someplace to stay for awhile.

 

Should you end it? It's already gone my dear.

[bdadam]

I have to say I am really surprised by everyone judging me so harshly. I really thought I could come here for some sound advice, help, and support.

 

Do I feel guilt? No, I don't. I don't because I didn't begin or continue this affair with the intent to hurt anyone. I didn't do it for malice reasons. I did it because my emotional needs are not being met and it was/is self-soothing.

Also, our relationship is very filling to me.

 

I also don't believe he is making me out to be a whore to his wife. None of you know him. I know what I must look like to her, but I don't think he is throwing me under the bus. I certainly wasn't happy when he told me he told her my name and I did ask him if he thought she would contact my husband. He said he honestly believes she wont', because she wants to work on their marriage.

[sadangrywife]

I have to say I am really surprised by everyone judging me so harshly. I really thought I could come here for some sound advice, help, and support.

 

Do I feel guilt? No, I don't. I don't because I didn't begin or continue this affair with the intent to hurt anyone. I didn't do it for malice reasons. I did it because my emotional needs are not being met and it was/is self-soothing.

Also, our relationship is very filling to me.

 

I also don't believe he is making me out to be a whore to his wife. None of you know him. I know what I must look like to her, but I don't think he is throwing me under the bus. I certainly wasn't happy when he told me he told her my name and I did ask him if he thought she would contact my husband. He said he honestly believes she wont', because she wants to work on their marriage.

 

I'm sorry but if your emotional needs aren't being met you should go to counseling or divorce so that you can find someone of your own and not take another family down with you. Sorry this is so harsh, but I am one of those wives who has a husband who has looked elsewhere. What about the other woman's children?

 

As for guilt? Again, sorry to be harsh but just because you did not intend to hurt someone else that doesn't mean you didn't. If you had accidentally killed a child on a bike with your car, would you say you don't have guilt because you didn't INTEND to do it?

 

I know marriage is hard. Believe me, I know. But seeking out fulfillment from someone else's husband whether he is a willing party or not (he is just as guilty) could never be the right answer and I think deep down you know that. There are lots of "I's" in your statement:

 

>>I don't because I didn't begin or continue this affair with the intent to hurt anyone. I didn't do it for malice reasons. I did it because my emotional needs are not being met and it was/is self-soothing.

Also, our relationship is very filling to me. <<

 

It's hard to take the high road and do the right thing. But that's just it. If the right thing wasn't hard it probably wouldn't be right.

[Lyssa]

Should I end it Monday? Should I cut all non-work related contact with him? I already feel like if he changes his mind about the physical, I will cave. How do I see him in one week (it's work related) for an entire week?

 

You should end it. He told his W you meant nothing to him and he even wanted to see how things go over the weekend... clearly, he doesn't feel the same about you.

 

It isn't easy to end it but it's something you have to do. Have you talked to your husband about your needs not being fulfilled by him?

[bdadam]

Lyssa,

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

No, I haven't told my husband. Honestly, I'm terrified to tell him.

[bdadam]

Creeks,

 

I am not a slut, or a terrible person. You don't know me. How dare you judge me. If you don't have any helpful advice, save your venom.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa,

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

No, I haven't told my husband. Honestly, I'm terrified to tell him.

 

Why are you terrified? You should be able to talk to your H about anything. Start with what you feel is lost in the marriage. Is he not making you feel needed/wanted? Is there something missing in your marriage that you think both of you can't fix?

 

As hard as it may be to talk to him, it is the best thing to do to fix your marriage.

[sadangrywife]

I'm just shocked that you would have expected a different response. The truth will come out. It always does. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. Maybe five years from now. But your kids one day are going to know about this somehow. Why would you risk that? If you are having trouble in your marriage, getting some from someone else who also has kids isn't going to fix that. It only makes this situation worse.

 

Divorce is an option for a reason. No one would fault you if you said that you were unhappy in your marriage, asked for a separation, tried to work it out, got a divorce and dated whomever you want. That's the right and moral way to handle this situation. It's the way with the least psychological damage to your kids which should be your first priority before your sexual needs. Sorry, but that's the deal you make when you become a parent.

 

The person to work this out with is your husband. If it doesn't work, please consider separating before the damage of an affair hurts your kids, their ability to have healthy relationships, and your relationship with them in the future. No one wins here if you keep doing what you are doing.

[hopesndreams]

Maybe he just made the story up about his wife finding your raunchy text. He could just be done with you, got bored, did not want to go on vacation with you and instead of saying these things to you, he lied about the wife knowing. Maybe you got too needy, making demands, etc, and just weren't as much "fun" anymore. Also, he could have met another willing participant in his debauchery and will take her on vacation instead.

[bdadam]

Is he not making you feel needed/wanted? Is there something missing in your marriage that you think both of you can't fix?

 

Lyssa, it's true that I don't feel needed or wanted. I have been married for 15 years, since I was 20 and he is 7 years older than me. There's so much more to it....I do think we can work together in therapy. I see a therapist on my own right now.

[bdadam]

We're not going on vacation, we're going to a central work meeting. We planned to spend time together alone while we were there. We will both be there next week.

 

I have definitely not gotten needy or made any kind of demands - ever. It's possible he met someone else or that he made the whole thing up, though I really don't think that's true.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa, it's true that I don't feel needed or wanted. I have been married for 15 years, since I was 20 and he is 7 years older than me. There's so much more to it....I do think we can work together in therapy. I see a therapist on my own right now.

 

15 years is a long time! There will be issues for some long marriages but I believe that they can be resolved, if both wanted to. I still think you should talk to your H - really talk and see what's lost. How he can make you feel needed and wanted again, vice versa.

 

How long have you been seeing your therapy? Personally, I don't believe in seeing a therapy... but if it could help you both, then why not?

[seibert253]

Your right, we don't know you, but the know the type of person you are. Even if you will not admit it to yourself.

 

OK, so let's assume you are a good person, then you should do the right thing. You don't love your husband, let him go. You can't, why?

 

I and many here will not assume you are "nice" or "decent" or whatever, based solely on your lack of remorse. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have some serious personal issues you may wish to address.

 

Gunny, Mr. Barracuda, Lupa, DN, your all up next. Said what I had to say, outta here.

Peace.

[sadangrywife]

Maybe this is just the best all around. No matter the reason why he says he needs to end it, I would go along with it. Maybe you got lucky this time and your family will never find out. Consider it your "get out of jail free card" this time. But I fear that if you pursue this with this man or another man, you won't be so lucky next time.

 

Now is the time to make a decision to either work on your marriage or end the marriage and walk away and do what you want with any SINGLE man you want. Life doesn't give us many second chances, so maybe this is yours. I would take it and make the best of what you can with it, if not for yourself, for your kiddos.

[Darth Vader]

Creeks,

You don't know me. How dare you judge me. If you don't have any helpful advice, save your venom.

 

 

People who use the "don't judge me" line, just don't want to take responsibility and accept the consequences to their actions! Basically, it's a bullcrap line!

 

Her husband will find out somehow, if he finds out on his own, it'll be way worse, and he will divorce her.

[sadangrywife]

"Don't judge me" never makes sense because people are always making judgments about others based on their behavior. You, at some point have made a judgement about your husband that he can't make you happy. You also made a judgment about the married man that he COULD make you happy. You also made a judgment about the other man's wife that somehow her happiness was less important than yours and that her kids were also not a factor.

 

Judge? We all judge. We make decisions based on judgments. Your judgments led you to believe you could get away with an affair. Everyone who cheats thinks they will get away with it. 99% are wrong. Please take this opportunity to repair your life before it's too late. Counseling or divorce. If counseling works, great...you can get on with your life. If it doesn't, divorce allows you to as well.

 

I'm sorry but "don't judge me" is an immature way of looking at the world. It's saying that you are somehow above judgment over all others.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may want to reconsider talking to your H about this. If MM's W gets any advice from anywhere (and usually Marriage Builders and/or Surviving Infidelity are the first hits), she will be advised to expose your affair to your H, your coworkers, your peers, and to anyone else she can reach.

[RunawayTrain]

"Do I feel guilt? No, I don't. I don't because I didn't begin or continue this affair with the intent to hurt anyone. I didn't do it for malice reasons. I did it because my emotional needs are not being met and it was/is self-soothing.

Also, our relationship is very filling to me."

 

Here is a question for you. At any point during and after you spread your legs as a MARRIED woman for a MARRIED man did you ever consider that your SELFISH, NARCISSITIC actions would affect your family. What kind of a mother are you ? How dare you say you are a good person because you are putting your husband at risk for STDS and risking the emotional well being of your small children all because you are immoral and dysfunctional. You need to stop playing the victim here and realize the consequences of your actions and who will be affected once the metal hits the road and it all comes out. You need to tell your husband asap so he can be tested for STDS and prepare yourself for him leaving you. He deserves so much better than you. That is a fact.

[In Like Flynn]

So everything is your husband's fault!! If the the betrayed wife knows who you are why will she all him to go with you to this meeting??? Her best move is to tell your husband and the Company's boss!!!

 

Word for word the writing was the same for every wayward wife. But they find oout that the man they thought was their soulmate will throw them under the bus. Right now you can hear the busing coming....he told his wife and said he doesn't love, you were just a warm hole. But he keeps you on the hook by saying he didn't mean it....again normal talk for the OMM. Soon his wife will calll your husband to keep you in check and away. She will then monitor his phones and computers and if you work together she will go to your HR or demand he leave or transfer or lose his kids!!! Then under the bus you go!!!!

[sadangrywife]

So everything is your husband's fault!! If the the betrayed wife knows who you are why will she all him to go with you to this meeting??? Her best move is to tell your husband and the Company's boss!!!

 

Word for word the writing was the same for every wayward wife. But they find oout that the man they thought was their soulmate will throw them under the bus. Right now you can hear the busing coming....he told his wife and said he doesn't love, you were just a warm hole. But he keeps you on the hook by saying he didn't mean it....again normal talk for the OMM. Soon his wife will calll your husband to keep you in check and away. She will then monitor his phones and computers and if you work together she will go to your HR or demand he leave or transfer or lose his kids!!! Then under the bus you go!!!!

 

There's a reason there is a saying that goes, "Don't dip your pen in the company ink". Most companies have some sort of non-fraternization rule as well to keep inter-company harmony.

 

Girl, leave well enough alone and accept that it's over and count yourself lucky. Work on the marriage. Give it one last shot for the kids and if it still doesn't work, divorce and happily date single men.

[lkjh]

Cut the you don't know me crap. You spread your legs for a man that is not your H. On top of that you did it with a married man. You didn't care about your kids or his. These are not the actions of a good person. If you were lonely but a puppy or play with your kids, work out, meet girls, and a million other things that don't involve being 100% selfish.

[2sure]

Since he didnt feel so guilty before and still had an affair...his wife simply finding out, but doing nothing - isn't going to change anything for you. It isnt over, dont worry about that, dont spend time crying that its over. He is still contacting you daily, when you see him in a week it will be as though nothing has changed. Because it hasnt.

 

Having been both a BS and an OW, I can tell you and other countless posts on here can prove to you - that a spouse finding out but doing nothing but talking - almost never ever ends an affair.

 

But a heads up. When my H cheated, I found out through his cell phone. Just like her, I found texts and evidence of numerous phone calls. It took me about 30 minutes and $15.00 to have a search done telling me where she lived, who her husband was and their home phone number. A week after I found the number on his phone and told him this had to stop...I checked his email, she had written to him. So, I called her house. It went further, lots of drama...but I'm just pointing out: His wife already has a heads up. She won't do nothing for long.

[tami-chan]

 

Should I end it Monday?

 

YES.

Should I cut all non-work related contact with him?

 

YES.

 

I already feel like if he changes his mind about the physical, I will cave.

 

That is why you need to cut all communication--difficult I know, but needed.

 

How do I see him in one week (it's work related) for an entire week? Not going on the work retreat is not an option for either of us.

 

What would happened if you don't go? What are the repercussions? In this tough economy, it's an employer's market, I know. What can you afford to lose?

 

I can't bear the thought of seeing him and not being with him. If we weren't seeing each other in the affair monthly, we would only have cause to see one another twice a year, for a week. Unfortunately, that time is in one week.

 

Focus. You affair is out. Somewhere,another woman is hurting, probably more that you can even begin to imagine. There are big negative consequences coming your way. Bail out!

[RunawayTrain]

Gee somewhere out there is a man hurting too, this cheaters husband. I guess his feelings don't count as much as the OM's wife.