Role reversal and it hurts like hell!

[mattdad]

I've been reading the threads here for the last month, and have gained some insight and support into my situation. Now I think it's time for me to share my little story, and ANY advice and support would be greatly appreciated.

It's been about two weeks since her official proclamation of the end of the relationship, and I'm deep in the throws of sadness, doubt, pain and confusion. FYI I'm 42 and she is 40. It has actually been dying a slow death since about mid-May, and for whatever reason I endured until the bitter and final end.

We met online as I faced a number of mega life-challenges. She was one of the most beautiful and highly educated women I'd ever met, and the timing seemed magical - a Christian man seeking a Christian woman! We began spending every waking moment together - biking, playing games, going to shows and talking about life. We had the time as I was mid-career (just finished grad school), and she had every other week off from her four (yep - four!) children.

Despite a huge attraction for each other, we committed to no intercourse until marriage (a Christian commitment we shared), but tempted the line quite a bit. This while spending time at church and in a couples devotional - you can imagine the inner battle!

She appeared almost perfect in spite of some obvious flaws. She could be rather cold-hearted, her kids were mega slobs and her oldest daughter couldn't stand me because I made far less than her ex (a big-wig at Microsoft). In spite of this I hung around.

Around May, however, she admitted to me that something was missing, and she didn't know if she'd EVER feel as strongly about me as I did for her. I saw us together, married and happy. This announcement, I guess, made me turn up the heat a bit, and I tried to become her fix-it-man and general nice guy all around.

It didn't work, and we drifted through the summer. We took vacations together, but I kept feeling her pull a little bit further and further away. Everything suffered, especially our spiritual discussions. I sensed she'd been holding back.

In July we spent a weekend in Sedona at a nice timeshare. After a romantic and lustful evening, we awoke to her admitting that the feeling would never be there. Finally I let out my anger and said "to hell with it! If that's the case then let's get home and finish this charade!" After a nearly silent trip home she threw herself at me and we had about the most erotic and action-packed weekend imaginable!

However, it was but a death knell for the relationship. She rapidly reached the point in her life when I was nothing more than a friend to her (albeit taking me into her bed), and the numbing anger lasted over two months until last Monday, when she admitted that she'd met someone else.

She was nice enough (!) to confirm that she hadn't done anything with him until after she and I had nearly consummated our relationship in a hottub on Tuesday past! Small comfort, and I've struggled ever since with the usual litany of 'Why's' and 'what's wrong with me's'.

I know I've been severely codependent, which certainly contributed to the relationship's demise, and this most recent slams have caused many old heartbreaks to resurface. At times the loneliness is overwhelming, and it's tough to find new people willing to hang around someone in the doldrums.

I workout (not as much as I'd like), walk, read, write, went to a new church this AM, and have met some other new people, but the gnawing emptiness over missing the good times I shared with her hasn't abated. I miss her, and the old fears of being alone and unworthy haunt me.

I'm scheduled to speak with a counselor on Tuesday...so it appears I'm doing all I can.

Can anyone share similar circumstances, and overcame them? As I said, ANY advice and support will be appreciated.

[GIZMO]

Hello,

 

I just posted my story on how to deal with a break up... It is hard, but remember you are stong and you will get through this.. I went to see a councler myself and it was nice to talk to someone that did not know me or my ex..

 

Here is my story and I hope it helps you...

 

Getting over a break up.... Post: 1 | Quote:

 

I thought I would post on how I am getting through my break up with me and my ex fiance... I hope this post can help you with your break up as well..

 

I am a woman who was so in love with my ex, I thought he was my whole world.. I gave up my life just to live for him.. When he broke up with me I thought I was going to die, I hated myself, I hated the world, and I lost faith in just about everything. I had to go on medical leave for work, I became into a depression that I could not get out of...

 

Well, my ex and I have been broken up for about 3 months now, and granted I do miss him, but I don't miss the feeling of always being so insecure with in the relationship.

 

This is how I became alive again with my life.. I started to think that maybe I should really start to pay attention to myself again, do the things I want to do, go and make new friends, and live for me.. I will no longer worry about having children, a house, and my fenced in yard with my life time partner. I am just taking one day at a time. I do not want to contact my ex anymore, I gave up on the point of ever getting back with him.. if I ever did get back to him, I would never be able to trust him like I once did. I would always think that he would break my heart again. I will have my partner when the time is right, and if I don't.. well then it was never cut out for me..

 

When you start to get sad about your ex and really miss him and feel your world is crashing down, think about the times he/she was treating you bad, think about how that person broke your heart after you treated him/her so well. You know that your ex is out doing whatever while you are sitting home crying and praying that he or she is going to call you or stop at your place.. Is it really worth it? No, its time you take care of yourself now.. Do the things in life that you have always wanted to do.. You have one life to live, and the fact of the matter is, if he or she left you.. then be happy they did it now rather then later in the future when it would only be harder.

 

You were happy before you and your ex were together, and you can get through the break up as well. I am sure you have learned and understand better on what you want out of a realtionship and what you don't want..

 

Just remember, its better to have known what love was then to not have loved at all..

Take what you have learned with your ex and apply to your new realtionship you will soon have..

 

I hope this helps you and I hope I made sense.. I just know how hard it is to deal with a breakup and I wanted to share of what I went though and what I did to move on with my life..