Can anyone make sense of my situation

[boldjack]

Halo. Sometimes for us, here on LS, to be supportive, we have to point out unpleasant truths. I try to do this without rancor, but in a direct manner. You have had an EA, which was ended by the OM, not by you. You say that you will do the necessary things to make sure it doesn't go any further. Great. But let me point out that this did not happen in a vacuum, other people know, Friends and co-workers. What if your husband finds out from someone else? Like many WS'S you seem confident that this will not happen. The truth is that you can never be sure. There is ONLY one sure way to end it, that is by bringing it out into the daylight. By continuing to hide the affair from your husband, you are not showing him any respect, or love, you are trying to take the easy way out. From past experience, I can say that this rarely works, and will, in time, weaken your marriage , rather than strengthen it. You will do what you will do and I hope it works out, but am fairly sure that you will continue to lie to your husband. But not to worry, it gets easier with practice.

[Athena]

There is ONLY one sure way to end it, that is by bringing it out into the daylight. By continuing to hide the affair from your husband, you are not showing him any respect, or love, you are trying to take the easy way out. From past experience, I can say that this rarely works, and will, in time, weaken your marriage , rather than strengthen it.

 

This is true, BoldJack, and well written.

 

Telling one's spouse will 1) End the EA 2) Draw the couple closer (if it's a good and solid R) 3) Guard against future lying

 

Halo, I know I said you convinced me when you decided you were only keeping your Feelings Secret from your H, and you did, but I have to concur with Boldjack that the points he made are true and relevant.

[whichwayisup]

My H and MM have already met before socially at a work function. As I said this started as a platonic friendship, that was not closeted away and until the last three meetings my H was aware of my meetings with MM. Keeping the friendship is a long way off, if it happens at all. Why are you so against remaining friends? I think friendships following these types of situations can be achieved if both parties are on the same page. It was not healthy towards the end in the state it was because there was too much speculation, innuendo and unspoken intentions. That had to end. Realistically as I said I never wanted a PA and neither did he it seems but it took my putting the cards on the table to establish that.

It is not about waking up tomorrow with an illness...I would have many people supporting me first and foremost my H. So to my MM. He is a physician.

 

But it isn't a platonic friendship anymore.

 

Anyway, it seems you're not really ready to hear my advice, you seem defensive and kind of missed my point in the sense of illness, you took it to a different direction.

 

I'm not against men/women being friends at all, it's just when one has an EA or an affair, you can't go back to being 'just friends', atleast not right away. Maybe in time when ALL the romantic feelings disappear, that intense feeling goes away, then maybe it's possible, but right now? No way.

 

Another thing, is it fair to your H and his W to keep the friendship alive? They weren't a part of it and they won't be if it continues. Your H meeting him afew times doesn't count as being his friend.

[MistyK]

As I remember her from uni 25 years ago and from what I do know of her now she would not have hesitated in contacting me if she knew.

It's hard to predict how people will react when the world as they know it turns out to be not what they thought. Confronting you would make it "real" and she may not want to do that. (Also, 25 years is a long time and people change.) It's also quite possible that if he was starting to feel guilty he confessed to his W.

 

I am a little concerned that you seem more concerned with this MM's friendship than the bullet you just dodged in the destruction of your marriage. Are there some things that need to be worked on so you don't find yourself in this situation again? Are you interested in doing that? (I ask b/c I when I found myself drawn to having an affair I also told everyone that I was "happy" in my marriage and even believed it in part until I was able to get enough distance to see otherwise.)

[boldjack]

Very good points, Misty.

[Lyssa]

I agree that in order to make it work with your H, you have to tell him about the EA. You'd be surprise how that can help your marriage.

 

I know I can't live with the guilt (if I were to have an EA/PA), but can you? It will eat you up in the long run.

[fooled once]

I agree with Gamine - I don't believe you had an EA. I think YOU developed feelings for him and maybe YOU had an EA with him; but I don't believe he did the same thing. I think he was flirty, but you are the one who threw it out there and he backed right down.

 

Most men interested in having any sort of emotional relationship would have JUMPED all over that.

 

And I agree with Misty - you seem to want his friendship too much. I wonder if you want to put yourself in his face so that he can see what he is missing. You should not be in his email anymore. Delete your email if you want; but stop checking it and put an end to being involved in his life.

 

I also think men and women can be friends. I have many men friends but that doesn't mean I am going to develop feelings for them or cross a line. I flirt, and I tell my husband about it. I use to even have a work boyfriend -- a huge joke and my husband knew all about it.

 

Doesn't mean I had an EA with anyone.

 

I think you are being defensive to others thoughts on this situation. I think you might be lonely in your marriage which is why you were interested in this MM. I think, like most women, we enjoy attention from the opposite sex. But, I firmly believe, if you made vows with someone, you don't break those vows. Sure, it may just be a piece of paper to some, but to me, it was much more than that.

 

IF I were to fall out of love with my spouse, I would divorce him before seeking someone else's company. I would dishonor him that way.

 

I think your husband should know that you were emotionally invested in someone else. Would YOU want to know if your husband did what you did? Would you want the opportunity to discuss it with you? To possibly work on the marriage?

 

Each of us live in our own marriages and all we here can do is give you our thoughts and view; as we are "3rd party" people to this and can only tell you what we see, how we feel and offer advice.

 

I worry that you really want him. I think you are upset that he rejected you and you may just want to continue to stay in his life any way you can.

 

Good luck with sorting this all out. You get out of relationships what you put into them. Give your husband the respect he has earned and treat him with dignity. Treat him how you would want to be treated.

[Gamine]

FooledOnce, Great post.