SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 There's two sides to every story, and I'm surely not innocent. My wife and I have gone through some tough times, but tonight it might be over. The basics are that we've been married almost 13 years. I've raised her son since he was 6 months old. The past year or so we've dealt with the son's cancer and have seen him through to remission. Anyway, about three weeks ago I blew up because my wife had been not coming home from work, and she'd paid 300 bucks for a tanning membership. I always just gave her my paychecks and I was angry that she'd been spending money (the membership was one of many things). I told her I wanted separate accounts and that if I couldn't gain responsibility and control of where the money goes, I'd find a divorce lawyer. In face, I'd probably screamed divorce a few times before. Well, this time she went out of town for her job (another thing that has been causing stress at home) and she just didn't come back. It was today that she had sent a text message to our son (my stepson, but from 6 months to 14yrs, he sure feels like one) not to talk to me. She has informed me that she's coming at 9 this morning (3 hours from now) to get her stuff. What are my rights here? I called the police to see if someone could be here to mediate but they said the argument has to have started before I can call them. I have a feeling her friend has been pretty manipulative and I really don't want her charging into the house and taking things that are in both of our names or things we've bought in the marriage. What should I do? Do I just let her take whatever and deal with it later? In Texas are there any laws to protect my stuff? She won't even sit down and talk with me about it. On a side note, I've done nothing but emotional and didn't sleep. Looking over phone records, she's been calling a guy she used to know for the past week and even sent him a message that she's "shopping for a new man." I'm sick to my stomach. Have no idea what to do. Sick Link to post Share on other sites
MrFun Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Dude, this is a hard nut to crack. I don't know about the law, but I can say she's probably just coming to get stuff to wear. She probably has someone else or is staying at someone else's place, so see needs clothes and maybe some personal things. I doubt she'll be pulling up with a truck. Can't say anything about the law, since I'm not in Texas or a lawyer. Maybe someone else can comment about this. Let her have her stuff. Offer to set a date for her to get the rest of her things and split belongings. Be helpful, polite, but reactive. I hope that helps a little, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Thanks...I'm in a horrible place right now. I guess if she doesn't want to talk, I can't force it. I just hate that she's going to have her support posse with her and I'll be all alone. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 There's two sides to every story, and I'm surely not innocent. My wife and I have gone through some tough times, but tonight it might be over. The basics are that we've been married almost 13 years. I've raised her son since he was 6 months old. The past year or so we've dealt with the son's cancer and have seen him through to remission. Anyway, about three weeks ago I blew up because my wife had been not coming home from work, and she'd paid 300 bucks for a tanning membership. I always just gave her my paychecks and I was angry that she'd been spending money (the membership was one of many things). I told her I wanted separate accounts and that if I couldn't gain responsibility and control of where the money goes, I'd find a divorce lawyer. In face, I'd probably screamed divorce a few times before. Well, this time she went out of town for her job (another thing that has been causing stress at home) and she just didn't come back. It was today that she had sent a text message to our son (my stepson, but from 6 months to 14yrs, he sure feels like one) not to talk to me. She has informed me that she's coming at 9 this morning (3 hours from now) to get her stuff. What are my rights here? I called the police to see if someone could be here to mediate but they said the argument has to have started before I can call them. I have a feeling her friend has been pretty manipulative and I really don't want her charging into the house and taking things that are in both of our names or things we've bought in the marriage. What should I do? Do I just let her take whatever and deal with it later? In Texas are there any laws to protect my stuff? She won't even sit down and talk with me about it. On a side note, I've done nothing but emotional and didn't sleep. Looking over phone records, she's been calling a guy she used to know for the past week and even sent him a message that she's "shopping for a new man." I'm sick to my stomach. Have no idea what to do. Sick What are you afraid that she will take? If its small stuff, you can hide that stuff maybe a friends place or something. If your worried about big stuff like furniture, how would she get it out with just her, and her son? Just don't allow any movers or anyone else in your house(call the police for trespassing). Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Good point. I was hoping she wasn't going to take the dog. I can't even come to grips with not being able to speak to the child I've raised. Or that she's instructed him to not talk to me and he's obeying. I thought I might tell her that I'll help her move "her" stuff (stuff not in both our names) out, but that I don't want anyone else in the apartment. If she says no, I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi, I'm guessing you don't want your wife and you to divorce? The best plan of action is to agree to the seperation. I know that sounds the opposite of what you want to do, you want to stop her, talk her round, tell her you love her. In her current state of mind all this will do is push her further away from you. Tell her, she's right things have been frought between you for a while now, we should take a break, clear our heads, think about this, talk later. Then post here again. If you want to stop this before it gets to the point of no return, you are gonna have to get up to speed real quick. Read Lupa's thread, Apart and Shaken, you'll see whats gonna happen, it will get you up to pace really quickly! As for the law, I don't know, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi, I'm guessing you don't want your wife and you to divorce? The best plan of action is to agree to the seperation. I know that sounds the opposite of what you want to do, you want to stop her, talk her round, tell her you love her. In her current state of mind all this will do is push her further away from you. Tell her, she's right things have been frought between you for a while now, we should take a break, clear our heads, think about this, talk later. Then post here again. If you want to stop this before it gets to the point of no return, you are gonna have to get up to speed real quick. Read Lupa's thread, Apart and Shaken, you'll see whats gonna happen, it will get you up to pace really quickly! As for the law, I don't know, sorry. Thanks for the advice. And yeah, I only threatened divorce before because I guess it made me feel like I had some semblance of control. Kind of like a blowfish that puffs up? Well, I'm deflated now. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I see you have read Lupa's thread. Do you get the jist of what's got to be done? Another good thread are Tojaz's, there's two to read, one on this page and one on page two, that can help you! The main point here is that you can't control what she does, you can only control what you do. You need to agree to the seperation, hopefully this will make her think, then you need to sit down and work out what's gone wrong. It's not about what she is saying, it is something deeper than that, whatever she is saying is the reason is the tip of the ice berg! When you have done that, work out YOUR part in the problems, in the break down of your relationship. It's dead easy to think it is all her at this stage, even if it is, you are going to have to take responsibility for the rift, even if it isn't your fault. I know that's hard, but this about saving your marriage, not your pride. You need to go NC or LC, let her miss you, start improving yourself, start working on the issues she has raised, go see a therapist if need be. When you do see/speak to your wife, appear happy, fine, pleasant, don't show your a mess, don't act needy, give off the apperance that you are living your life and improving yourself. People want what they can't have. If you appear needy/desperate (believe me I did it, we all do), it will push her further away, no one wants someone who is needy. Don't panic, stay calm and keep reading and posting on here. I hate to say this, as I don't believe in game playing, but you got no choice, you gotta get a game plan. (It's too late for me, my ex is gone, legals done), you still got a chance here if you play this right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 It's almost time for her to "get her stuff." All night I've been asking myself why and then I see in the past week or so constant messages to an old boyfriend to and from her phone. I fully realize I'm a good part of why the marriage has gone downhill, but she's playing the victim right now and it's hell to know she's been venting to some guy she knew 15 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I see you have read Lupa's thread. Do you get the jist of what's got to be done? Another good thread are Tojaz's, there's two to read, one on this page and one on page two, that can help you! The main point here is that you can't control what she does, you can only control what you do. You need to agree to the seperation, hopefully this will make her think, then you need to sit down and work out what's gone wrong. It's not about what she is saying, it is something deeper than that, whatever she is saying is the reason is the tip of the ice berg! When you have done that, work out YOUR part in the problems, in the break down of your relationship. It's dead easy to think it is all her at this stage, even if it is, you are going to have to take responsibility for the rift, even if it isn't your fault. I know that's hard, but this about saving your marriage, not your pride. You need to go NC or LC, let her miss you, start improving yourself, start working on the issues she has raised, go see a therapist if need be. When you do see/speak to your wife, appear happy, fine, pleasant, don't show your a mess, don't act needy, give off the apperance that you are living your life and improving yourself. People want what they can't have. If you appear needy/desperate (believe me I did it, we all do), it will push her further away, no one wants someone who is needy. Don't panic, stay calm and keep reading and posting on here. I hate to say this, as I don't believe in game playing, but you got no choice, you gotta get a game plan. (It's too late for me, my ex is gone, legals done), you still got a chance here if you play this right. She speaks the truth, Every word. In mine, the lawyer drew up provisional orders that explained what could and couldn't be taken. I would just let her go for now. Come to an agreement on what can and can't be taken. Give her the space she wants. Go out and buy a copy of DIVORCE BUSTING and GETTING BACK TOGETHER (amazon) and read them both. They explain your next moves better then anyone els could. Read my posts "My Story" and "the rest of My Story" a lot of good advice, and a lot of what was done wrong. Good luck and keep posting. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 It's almost time for her to "get her stuff." All night I've been asking myself why and then I see in the past week or so constant messages to an old boyfriend to and from her phone. I fully realize I'm a good part of why the marriage has gone downhill, but she's playing the victim right now and it's hell to know she's been venting to some guy she knew 15 years ago. I know this is incrediably painful, you don't know anything yet, you don't know the extent of these texts etc, you don't know if anythings happened or not and if it is a symptom or cause. STAY COOL. Don't ask, stay calm, collected, tell her you agree you need some time apart, you love her and want to try and wrok out the problems with her, but for now, you both need some space. THAT'S ALL. Don't get into it with her. Read some of the other posts, it's a familiar pattern, some work out, some don't, from my short time on here, I really believe this is your best chance, but you must decide for yourself, only you know yourself, your wife and your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi, The only choice you have is to cooperate and hope she is reasonable with the things she takes. You are going to have to compromise with some things also. This is probably tough on her too, after all, she is moving out. And I doubt she is going to keep you from talking to your stepson forever. If you were a good father to him it should be ok. Maybe she doesn't want him to talk to you now because you might start putting things in his head and confuse him more. Crisis like the one you had with the illness of the child can rock a marriage. She might be escaping from this situation with whatever she is doing out in the night. Good luck and hope things will work out in the end. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 It's almost time for her to "get her stuff." All night I've been asking myself why and then I see in the past week or so constant messages to an old boyfriend to and from her phone. I fully realize I'm a good part of why the marriage has gone downhill, but she's playing the victim right now and it's hell to know she's been venting to some guy she knew 15 years ago. Thats the biggest part right there. Work on fixing that. Shes going to do what shes going to do. Nothing you do can change that, so focus on yourself, you just might find what shes looking for. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Well, the whirlwind came and went. When she pulled up a Uhaul, I explained to her that as I understood things, there's community property and personal things. Well, she wanted it all. We promptly both called the police, who agreed that she should probably take belongings, but because she is on the lease, I'd better just leave, have some coffee, and come back to what's left. Which of course wasn't much---and a dumped over cat box (yuck). She wants to come back for more stuff because the Uhaul was too full. She said she'd call first. I think I could have been nasty and said nope, just your clothes. But her friend was utterly vindictive when I asked her to please not take all the razers, as I needed to shave, after all. The cop actually told her to step outside. Anyway, she took the stuff and other than the spilled catbox--i'm hoping it was an accident. She did leave my super computer system, and my hobby stuff. I had the apartment people come out and take pictures of the carpet damage and dissaray. Essentially, it's a horrible situation. Because she's on the lease, she can come and go. If I sign some papers, I can get her off the lease and change the locks and such. However---she has everything and now I've got a stinky apartment. I don't want to live here and can't afford the rent anyway. I figure all I can do is what the cops said and add the couch and stuff to the list of things. Arrgh. If I'm going to go down the credit ship with the apartment, I might as well gather my stuff and leave it now, right? I hate that she destroys the home and can come back if she has a whim. I'll be at a lawyer first thing tomorrow. I wanted to go to one lawyer and be civil--and she claimed thats all she wants. But is this civil? Is it better to get my own lawyer? What constitutes mental anguish...cause I think I have it! All contact between my step-son and me has been severed. He's 14 and I raised him from 5 months old. He's my kid for gosh sake. But everyone tells me to forget about that because I have no rights. What a world this is! Link to post Share on other sites
Little_Miss_Love Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 You should hire a private investigator!! It'd help you when you two go to court. Especially now that u have these suspicions! Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Please get your own lawyer. You likely do have rights where the child is concerned, and you can bet she can probably get child support out of you if she wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 She can take the kid from me and make me pay child support? Even though her ex-husband is paying it? Link to post Share on other sites
whimsical_memory Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Please get your own lawyer. You likely do have rights where the child is concerned, and you can bet she can probably get child support out of you if she wanted to. Unless Texas is different than Alabama (where I used to live) the step-parents have no legal say-so over the step-child once a divorce/separation is ongoing. It stinks, but this child is not his biological child, and therefore he has no say over being able to see him. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband, haven't been able to see my step-son in ages, because I am not the birth mother. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi, my situation is different to yours, my ex and I were not married (he left 10 months before our wedding, together 18 years, sure felt married), also I'm in UK, different laws. He wanted to use one lawyer for our seperation agreement and buying me out of our house, I soon learnt that a good lawyer won't do this, is a conflict of interest. In the end it was agoos thing I got my own lawyer, he had moved joint savings to a sole account without my knowledge. What started out as I'll be amicable quickly turned nasty on his part, he said and did stuff I NEVER thought him capable of. It really is like, who came and took over my loves body? My advice to you is to get a good lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. Find out your rights in regard to your child, yur home, the lease and the posessions she has already taken. You don't have to file, just get your affairs in order, find out your rights and take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Should I be cancelling the credit cards that are in both our names? I didn't want to take her and the kid off my insurance or anything in haste without talking to a lawyer. Well, yeah, I called Geico for the car insurance, but took a deep breath and hung up. Link to post Share on other sites
CheatedOnHusband Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 It is sad that when love ones go nasty they really do go off the railings. The advice you get here is going to be the same - listen to the veterans here. The outcome is 99.9% the same - she is gone, now start your healing process. It is painful, but in no time you will start healing. Feel for you bro. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Should I be cancelling the credit cards that are in both our names? I didn't want to take her and the kid off my insurance or anything in haste without talking to a lawyer. Well, yeah, I called Geico for the car insurance, but took a deep breath and hung up. Can you call a lawyer today? I know it's Sunday. If not first thing tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I'll poke around in a bit...but in whirlwind mode today, but does someone off the cuff know a good (free) checklist I can fill out later to have info for the lawyer? She took care of the bills, but I can try and track down all the info to have a nice list. Do I get points for her abandoning me? Should I make a note of frivolous money she spent? What about times and dates she went to Houston for her "job" ? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 A lot of that depends on your state. What you'll need to start with is all your financial documents. Bank statements, retirement accounts, checkstups, creditcard bills, household bills, etc. The more you find the better. My stack is about 3" thick. They will want it all, and the more you can prove you contributed the better off for you. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Pradajunkie Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Becare about what you cancel and what you don't cancel, consult an attorney. Each states law will be different as to what your responsibilities are and aren't. Some choices you make without legal advice may come back to bite you in the behind if it comes to a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts