Wife just left me!

[Ariadne]

Well, the whirlwind came and went. When she pulled up a Uhaul

 

Wow.

 

Well, that was the first blow and I think it'd be the worst one.

 

Hopefully you'll get a new place not so expensive, or see if you can work out the lease or get a roomate.

 

And I think you should be able to see the stepson once the waters settle. He must miss you too and it won't be good for him not to see you.

 

Good luck with it all!

[TrustInYourself]

Document all the finances. Create a budget for yourself based on your current situation. Get ahold of all the financial matters that apply to you. This includes, organizing your bills, organizing your paycheck and getting new accounts and re-routing your pay and any money that belongs to you to your new account.

 

More importantly though, get a hold of yourself man. You are obviously reacting hard core to this woman's actions. It is paramount to address any concern with your life with some logic. Yeah, it's going to be hard but you can not let your emotions rule you. If you are not in control of your feelings, they are controlling you.

 

It's time you took initiative by focusing on your own actions and not hers. Your threats have now backfired and you are paying the emotional consequences of trying to manipulate her. That's your first hurdle to overcome.

[LisaUk]

See what you can find, my ex removed all the bank statements, pay slips etc. Sneaky b*****d!

[SickToStomach]

Document all the finances. Create a budget for yourself based on your current situation. Get ahold of all the financial matters that apply to you. This includes, organizing your bills, organizing your paycheck and getting new accounts and re-routing your pay and any money that belongs to you to your new account.

 

More importantly though, get a hold of yourself man. You are obviously reacting hard core to this woman's actions. It is paramount to address any concern with your life with some logic. Yeah, it's going to be hard but you can not let your emotions rule you. If you are not in control of your feelings, they are controlling you.

 

It's time you took initiative by focusing on your own actions and not hers. Your threats have now backfired and you are paying the emotional consequences of trying to manipulate her. That's your first hurdle to overcome.

 

Thanks, I needed that. It's just so tough. I've tried to no avail to find a lawyer today to set me straight and spoke to my work who has been more than stellar. The boss gave me the number of a lawyer that deals primarily with family law, but I get no answer when I call. Should I just show up at the office at 8am?

 

I did touch base with the apartment complex, explained to them the situation. They took pictures and some notes, but it was more protocol. There wasn't a manager there, but the young lady that spoke with me said that there have been times similar to mine where the wife/husband was able to work something out and just shift to a 1 bedroom without breaking lease.

 

I do kind of want to leave this particular complex. No less than two weeks ago, our door was kicked in and the 50 inch plasma tv and all my wife's jewelry was taken. I'm fairly sure the first tragedy isn't related to the second... In fact, the stress of it all probably was more than she could take.

[Owl]

Get with a lawyer, ASAP.

 

My first thought is to take every effort to protect your finances.

 

Remove her from the bank accounts/credit cards/etc...ASAP. Get her removed from the lease. As soon as that happens, ask the apartment complex to change the locks on your doors.

 

Make as detailed a list of what she's taken from the home, and what she's left, as you possibly can. Since she's apparently taken a lot of joint property, you need to document as much as you can so that this gets accounted for in the settlements (if it gets that far).

 

Start reading through her cell phone usage, and her credit card statements. I'm betting she's left you FOR someone...this will help you prove it.

 

Find out if your state is a "fault" or "no fault" state when it comes to divorce.

[SRV]

Do you have any close friend or family that you can lean on during this tenuous episode that you are going through?

 

I say this because you are acting/reacting based on emotion, which might end up costing you or getting you more of the unintended outcomes. Try and step back, through a friend or support system so that you can make some rational decisions that will not cost you in the long run.

 

Forget her, she is gone. When someone walks out on you, there is no need to even contemplate taking them back. Take a few deep breaths, take a few days off to ponder your next course of action.

[lupa]

Do you have any close friend or family that you can lean on during this tenuous episode that you are going through?

 

I say this because you are acting/reacting based on emotion, which might end up costing you or getting you more of the unintended outcomes. Try and step back, through a friend or support system so that you can make some rational decisions that will not cost you in the long run.

 

Forget her, she is gone. When someone walks out on you, there is no need to even contemplate taking them back. Take a few deep breaths, take a few days off to ponder your next course of action.

This guy is right, you know. Find an outsider that will act as your "guardian' for a while. Find somebody who can look out for your best interests, while not being too biased in doing so.

 

My friend came in from out of town for 5 days and basically saved my life (not like suicide, like I was completely nonfunctional). He kept me focused, and let me talk, constantly, for 5 days. He also didn't let me make any bad decisions -- like trying to 'accidentally' run into my wife while we were all out at different places.

 

Know what I'm saying?

 

Your situation is a little more intense than mine, but you need to find an outsider you can trust, and just hand yourself over to them while your emotions and head are out of control.

[SickToStomach]

I did the whole "think I see her car at JC Penny's" yesterday. I was actually going there to change my account info. I was hoping she'd dropped the stepson off to skateboard and I run into him. Sounds stalkerish I guess.

 

I went to a psychologist, as three days with no sleep, extreme physical activity of moving my stuff by myself, and no food--caused me to be extremely paranoid and I started having panic attacks.

 

He gave me some great advice and sent me to the ER for some Ativan. It helped a TON! My appetite came back, and I was able to sleep. I also came into work today and am back on track here. I pulled half a day yesterday and thought I was in a fog at work.

 

I moved into a separate home my parents own. They said I only need to pay electricity. I did get to keep the chihuahua so it's just us.

 

I'm also scheduling a bariatric surgery in a couple of weeks (gastric sleeve), and am aiming to quit smoking as well.

 

Soooo..... Why not make this "life change" a bona-fide one? In doing so, I am aiming to fix the faults I brought to the marriage that ended.

 

When looking through old notebooks when gathering stuff...there were charts: ---Why I should stay | Why I should leave-----

 

I was a great provider and awesome father, but an inattentive husband that she didn't feel love from. As much as it kills me, it is the truth. I'll learn from this mistake and I'm kind of glad she did things the way she did. You don't rip a band-aid off slow, do you? It will be the best for all of us.

[LisaUk]

Hi, glad you are feeling a bit calmer, you sound as if you are getting this figured out. I'm glad you got your living situation sorted out and you kept the dog (I got our cat, she is a source of great comfort to me). Take it slow, one day at a time.

[SickToStomach]

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to stay pragmatic and not get wrapped up in emotions. I still haven't seen my son (in law). But it's probably for the best. The physical exertion of moving, the stress...has really opened my eyes where I slowly, slowly, screwed this marriage up. It's like I was completely blind to the poison I was bringing to it--the inattentiveness. It's funny, as I'm trying to bring myself to just get up to move another box or set something up...In my head, I'm singing "Just keep swimming..." from that inane Pixar flick.

 

My number one concern is my nutrition. I simply cannot bring myself to eat. I know I need the energy, but I -still- feel doubled-over. The other night, I woke up with leg cramps--hell, everything below the waist was cramping. I crawled to the pantry and snagged out a jar of peanut butter hoping the potassium would help. It did! Today I forced down half of a Kraft single and two Chicken McNuggets.

 

I'll head to WalMart and buy some tuna, sardines, or whatever I can jam-pack some protein into me. I know everyone says not to grovel and try to pick up the pieces, hold them up, and yell "this can work!", but I sent the following email to her and will leave it at that:

 

I'm not known for brevity, but I'll do my best. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for everything I've put you and the family through. I'm having flashback after flashback of how my attitude and behavior carved notches into the foundations the three of us made. I can't sit, bewildered, at why things turned out this way. It was simply right in front of me and I refused to see it. I hope you two are able to breathe and can see hope where I'd probably squelched any views of.

 

And that's that.

[tojaz]

You need to eat man, the divorce diet will kill you. I've lost 40 lbs in 3 months!! The E-mail didn't sound like groveling, it was well worded and very openminded. Just give her some space and let it play out. It's out of your hands anyways.

TOJAZ

[SickToStomach]

Just had a bad morning.... I sat outside, alone, and made a list of 100 things that brought joy into our lives over the years. Then I made one with many of the errors I made in the marriage. I almost sent it to her. I mean, where did it go wrong? I'm extremely willing to do marriage counselling, change anything. Why didn't she just threaten to leave...why be silent about it? If all the signs were there, should my life be ruined because I was too blind to see them? Are there really no second chances?

[Ariadne]

I'm not known for brevity, but I'll do my best. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for everything I've put you and the family through. I'm having flashback after flashback of how my attitude and behavior carved notches into the foundations the three of us made. I can't sit, bewildered, at why things turned out this way. It was simply right in front of me and I refused to see it. I hope you two are able to breathe and can see hope where I'd probably squelched any views of.

 

I'd get with an email like this.

 

Imagine, to leave a guy on the street with nothing.

 

And then to get an email from him saying, It was all my fault!

 

Sigh.

[SickToStomach]

I'd get with an email like this.

 

Imagine, to leave a guy on the street with nothing.

 

And then to get an email from him saying, It was all my fault!

 

Sigh.

 

Err...clarify? I mean, am I beating myself up too much over it? Honestly, I was a little crazy the last few weeks...we'd been robbed and I was friggin paranoid about everything. So much stress and I dealt with it all wrong. This was surely the catalyst that burst the blister that was under my wife's skin.

[asuman]

To me, it doesn't seem like you can work on both missions at the same time.

 

One mission you have is reconciliation.

 

The other mission you have is fixing your life back up and getting back on your feet.

 

It seems impossible and futile, given her extreme behavior, to work on #1 right now. So, stick to #2. Focus on getting your divorce affairs in order, in getting back into shape, in figuring out your living arrangements, in making sure your job doesn't suffer from this, and healing the emotional wounds of this traumatic event.

 

Once you start doing those things, perhaps then you can think about whether reconciliation is possible or even desirable.

 

Talk to a lawyer about your stepson. I will assume you never filed legal adoption papers for him. If that's the case, you may in fact have little or no legal rights to visitation with him. The upside is that you can't get nailed for child support for him either.

[SickToStomach]

I believe the greatest fear and trepidation that's manifest inside me is that the longer we're not talking (basically a week), that she'll forget the life we had together. That I have to do something to prove to her I can change and be a better person. I'd love to think she'd realize how she truly screwed up--I'd like to think her parents are bewildered at her leaving me... But it's all in the dark! Let's say we stay separated 6 months. Are the chances of us getting back together greater or smaller than they are at this moment? If they are smaller after the time, shouldn't I do everything I can to try to make amend?

[asuman]

I believe the greatest fear and trepidation that's manifest inside me is that the longer we're not talking (basically a week), that she'll forget the life we had together. That I have to do something to prove to her I can change and be a better person. I'd love to think she'd realize how she truly screwed up--I'd like to think her parents are bewildered at her leaving me... But it's all in the dark! Let's say we stay separated 6 months. Are the chances of us getting back together greater or smaller than they are at this moment? If they are smaller after the time, shouldn't I do everything I can to try to make amend?

 

In my view if you are separated for 6 months and during that time you've improved your life, your outlook, and your mental health, you've improved your odds over the alternative plan... which would be to do what, by the way? Beg her to return on a daily basis?

 

Think about it from her perspective. She made a harsh decision and executed her plan to implement that harsh decision. Do you really think that a bunch of words you throw at her over the next 2 weeks is going to suddenly change her mind? Is that attractive? Is it appealing to her? Will your looking and acting like a complete mess every time she sees you during the course of this situation be attractive?

 

You've got to pull yourself together. That is priority #1. You can't reseduce your wife when you're a big sloppy mess. That isn't how you won her attention in the first place, is it?

[SickToStomach]

All right. I'll take your word on it.

 

A funny story--last night I went to Wal-Mart to get some Immodium and some GatorAide and a Vitamin supplement (and Potassium). To, you know, get something into my stomach. Anyway, I felt like I was on another planet...the people all around...I started sweating and opened a package of washrags to wipe the sweat.

 

...Anyway, they must have had some kind of factory chemical on them...because by the time my sweaty self got to the checkout line, I was experiencing chemical burns all over my face and neck.

 

Sigh...what a mess.

[asuman]

Ok, so if you're hitting a low point right now... there's only one way to go from there.

[Ariadne]

Err...clarify? I mean, am I beating myself up too much over it? Honestly, I was a little crazy the last few weeks...we'd been robbed and I was friggin paranoid about everything. So much stress and I dealt with it all wrong. This was surely the catalyst that burst the blister that was under my wife's skin.

 

Well,

 

It seems like she made up her mind on leaving you.

 

And you claiming responsibility for it, as if it was all your fault, after she showed how little she cared is too self important.

 

Hope you get to relax a bit and eat well. Think that you had a good life for a while and don't cling to it so much. I'd say let things take their course.

 

Good luck with seeing your step son, I hope you get to see him pretty soon.

[SickToStomach]

Sigh. I prolly messed up again. I sent this email:

 

I know you want no contact, but wanted you to know I miss and love you two so, so much. I stopped taking pain pills last week and have been 100z more active and lucid. I don't need you, I want you. I know, kind of a grovel. I'm still scheduled for surgery, and you're right, it could be a life-changer for (me) us. I made a stupid comment when you brought that up. It's cliche, but I could be the guy from long ago, and even if it takes a year away for me to prove it to you, I'm willing. You're my best friend.

 

For reference, I've been taking Vicodin for back pain---never more than the prescribed dosage and often less. But sure, being in constant pain probably weighed the marriage down a ton. I was still a trooper, taking care of the kid and getting my butt to work.

 

What is the 180 people refer to? Is it a program I can follow? Essentially, she -was- by best friend. I currently have no friends, a family I can't relate to, and a job that hasn't even bothered to call and check in on me.

[Gunny376]

You asked for the 180's list, so I'll print it for you here. This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting:

 

Quote:

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

 

2. No frequent phone calls

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

 

4. Do not follow him around the house

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances

 

8. Do not buy gifts

 

9. Do not schedule dates together

 

10. Do not spy on spouse

 

11. Do not say "I Love You"

 

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

 

21. Never lose your cool

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

 

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

 

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

 

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

 

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her.

 

180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Right now, you don't have to worry about going to NC (no contact). You're nowhere near needing that yet.

[SickToStomach]

My issue is that she ups and leaves, takes everything and the kid. And is NC. Perhaps she just needs time to think ---or perhaps thinks I'll go ballistic when I see her. The latter surely was a possibility in the early stage of this. I started feeling a lot better yesterday afternoon and while I regretted sending that email, my actions since she left were 1) Ask if it's over and she says it is. and 2) File the court papers for divorce. I hadn't ever really told her I wanted to work it out. Of course, logically, that boat has probably passed. I do like the list, though. The first thing I did yesterday was to make a list of the good stuff. However, when I thought of the bad--there's been its. 15 years can grind down a sharp bitterness in both of us, even though it existed. And believe it or not, I think we raised a good kid.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why would you want to remain with a woman who is a complete coward???

 

WTF is wrong with you, where's your anger? Somewhere deep inside I'd be pissed, not confused. there aint no time for tears.

 

She never gave a afterthought of what she was doing when she left, she abandoned you and let me tell you, now you better yourself. You forget about her, your work all those little emotions outta your heart and move on.

 

She is probably cheating and cannot face you and tell the truth. So she took the cowardly way out.

 

Be done with her, reinvent yourself. In some states the one to just leave like that is basically just giving it to you.

 

You have the house right? I'd find a way to sell that at the highest rate and keep all funds asap. Get her name off the lease.

 

Buy a house near the beach, move out west, do something you love with your life. Something that drives you. Your kid, is not your biplogical son right? Well as cruel as this may be what I'm about to say is that he shouldnt be your concern.

 

I know your raised him but his mother has chosen the life of a single parent willingly? She wants to raise him alone without your help. this could be her pattern in life.

 

Blaiming you for her problems and taking them out on you to prove a point.

 

Good luck to you. I'd say run for the hills your wife is dead...

[sadintexas]

She can take the kid from me and make me pay child support? Even though her ex-husband is paying it?

 

No, you're not legally obligated to the child, and as such you have no legal recourse for her taking him and denying visitation. You need to talk to an attorney.