Newly Married at 24 and Second Thoughts...

[Karimnow]

Dear all,

 

It's a Sunday morning in NYC and I just have to share some of my concerns with someone.

 

My wife and I got married 5 months ago after a 1 and a half year relationship. It always seemed a little rushed, but I never doubted we were great for each other and would be able to make through anything, being aware of the challenges in a life long relationship.

 

I'll try to be as clear and methodical in my description, in order for you guys not to be lost/confused and fully understand the situation:

 

THE BACKGROUND:

 

I'm 24 and my wife is 23. I'm French and Lebanese with an extremely international background, she's American with the same appreciation for the world. We both met in London while in grad school almost about 2 years ago and have not left each other since, literally.

 

We were both very frivolous in our respective past relationships, for we kind of both had it easy when it came to intimacy...To put in more common terms, I was a big player/Don Juan and she was a definite ''man eater''.

That being said, we never had any expectations when we started seing each other, it started off as ''we're not exclusive'', and ended up being passionately in love...kind of a nice story to tell...

 

Time came for us to leave London and we faced a tough choice:

How to stay together? She had to go back to New York for her career, and I had plans in Europe...

 

THE TURN:

 

...This specific issue, in my opinion was the turning point. We both agreed that a long distance relationship would not survive, so for me, it was either go with her or leave her...I was okay with moving to the US, no issues, but the problem was me working there legally.

 

This is when the marriage idea came in...And please don't get me wrong, we loved each other very much, and it was in the cards for us, but I feel like the legal issue rushed everything...So I moved to NY, left all friends and family for a new life, and did it happily: the woman i love and a promising career ahead.

 

So here we are, 2 months later, getting married in NY before my visa expires...In my mind, it was a temporary solution, just a little ceremony before ''the real thing''. To be honest with you,I was scared of my entourage's reaction...everybody told me I was moving too fast...I didn't care and said to myself everyone would understand with time. I told a few very close friends I was getting married and my brother. My parents were kept in the dark. SO wrong, I know, but they had never met before and weren't ready for it. I thought we would do a bigger ''more official'' wedding later, while this one would stay on the down low...She didn't feel that way and took it as her wedding day, a very important day, completely understandably so...

 

It all went fine though, and we got on with our life together without any problems as any great newly married couple would.

 

MY RECENT CONCERNS:

 

Things started to show up in the past 4months or so:

 

- She turned out to be extremely dependent, to a point where I felt suffocated. She was never that way at first, I committed to her in the first place for her strong personality and character. It turned out she only was that way with people she never really cared about (us in the first months, it was quite casual), but as soon as she fell in love with me, she changed...

 

- I feel like the adult carrying the relationship. We're both quite young, and have had lots of fun in our careless years. However, she never, ever had a relationship, a committed one, while I, had a 4 years deep, loving relationship in the past (which ended right before we met, so I also sometimes feel a slight ''rebound''syndrome)...I now feel she's going through an education in relationships and I have to train her through it...Learning to trust, to share, compromise give and take etc...

 

- I discovered what heavy arguing and violent fights are...Indeed, I never was a violent/possessive/jealous person (still am not) and always talked my way through issues in past relationships...With her, I've witnessed big arguments and nasty fighting over important AND petty things. I thought it was all part of the passion at first, but starting to think it's just not myself anymore...

 

- I would do anything to make her happy, and was always very patient with her...But I always felt like I gave more than her in the relationship, since day one...Recently it has reached a peak that I refuse to take. I want things to be fair an reasonable, for us to live a healthy beautiful life together as partners and friends he way I know can be achieved.

 

- This week was kind of a breaking point: I'm very outgoing and social. She was, but feels like we don't need it anymore. Quoting her: ''I feel like you're enough for me, I don't need anything or anyone else, but you do''....

So I now feel like she's completely holding me back, from being myself, from taking chances in life, opportunities etc...

I kept it to myself for a month or so, thinking that it was just a phase and that I would shake it off, only to realize it was only getting more intense, and that was actually looking forward to a business trip for a week, the same way I was looking forward to her leaving for work this morning...I talked to her last night, sharing the fact that I felt a little suffocated and we maybe needed to be more independent,and let ourselves be individuals even if in a very symbiotic relationship (we literally do EVERYTHING together, we're lucky to be freelancers and work at our time, from home so every second is mostly spent together)...She burst in tears saying that she felt alone and distant from me (because of my weirdness/awkwardness during that week) and it basically ended up in me comforting her AGAIN, when I actually needed the help...I was simply lost for words and exhausted again.

 

What terrifies me is that I've had obsessive visions all week, of how we would end things and separate, which adds the guilt factor to the whole thing...

 

I was always a very strong, independent person and thought I could tackle these issues by myself, but things are getting too intense for me and I'm a little confused at the moment..

 

Are those typical issues that work themselves out with time? Should I ''limit damage'' and maybe separate while all this AND us are still young? I'm torn between believing in this relationship, make things work and the cost that all these efforts will come at...

 

I know I'm the only one who can eventually find the answer and make the decisions, but your thoughts on this and past experiences would help feeling alone at the moment.

 

Thank you all so much for your time,

[Sweetcheripie]

First thing that jumped out was the "violence"? If you are seriously in a violent relationship it is time to get out or get help immediately. That is not ok.

 

Did you ever tell your parents about your marriage? If not, that could be a sign that you are/were not really committed and she is freaking out that there isn't really commitment on your part.

 

But really you are both very young and had to make some big decisions rather hastily. Time away might help to think about what you really want and maybe some counseling.

 

Also be really sure to practice good birth control (not to sound like a nag) but don't want a little one in the picture at this point.

[Karimnow]

Hi SweetcheriePie,

 

Thanks for the words.

 

''Violent'' might be too strong of a word I used...By that I meant yelling, name calling...just things that I never really experienced with someone.

 

I never told my parents yet. Just told them I will marry her...more of a form and delivery thing...She thinks I told them...I know, it just sounds terrible, but they're simply not ready, and I want everything to just go smoothly.

 

Maybe some time apart is the way to go...I was thinking a big conversation over a nice dinner tonight...wish me luck...

 

No little one for now that's for sure!

 

Thanks again,

[Sweetcheripie]

Good luck at the dinner. I think that is a good idea.

 

Also consider why you didn't tell your parents. If I were talking with your wife I would say that is a big red flag! It says a couple of things (1) you are not totally committed or (2) you are a little wimpy and not wanting their disapproval you are willing to lie. Sorry I know there is a lot more to the story and you sound very sweet but you say you feel like you are the "adult" - I bet your wife is feeling the same way.

 

Just giving you some things to think over before your dinner. It sounds like you two jumped into something too early.

[Karimnow]

Definitely option number 2. I acknowledge I am worried and concerned about my parents approval/disapproval...I know they would accept her without issues, but it's more of a ''judgment'' issue. We're an extremely close and ''friends with each other'' type of family. I just know that telling them would open the door to a truth I agree with: I did rush into things.

 

I simply thought that in spite of jumping into things too early , we could make it work in time for we really love each other and care enough to do so...Maybe we are too young for this...we'll see I guess.

 

Meanwhile, quail and caviar on the menu for tonight...and lots of wine.

[Sweetcheripie]

That sounds lovely - and be honest with her. Marriage is hard and you both sound a little scared (completely understandable) but I have a good feeling you will have a great conversation tonight.

[asireen]

Did she even offer to settle with you in Europe? No. Her career in USA was more important. She did'nt want to move, you had to. Now she wants to stop you from being you, an extrovert. She is trying to control you. Getting out of this marriage would be a better option. You don't have a child with her, which is in your favor. You could lose your Green Card though, if you are married less than 2 years.

[Sweetcheripie]

Any update? How did the dinner go?

[Karimnow]

Thanks for following up!

 

So...Dinner went relatively well, for me at least...I was very open on all levels and just told her that she was too dependent on me and that we should exist as individuals and not only a couple, especially at such a young age with so many exciting things to face(career,travel, experiences) while still having a great relationship...

 

She listened to every word and basically received it well, said she would make efforts but that it would feel ''fake'' (which I agree with). I woke up to long letter the next morning saying that she was very scared now, and for the first time feels like she might lose me. She also asked me to think long and hard about us and if I really wanted this marriage...

 

I've been even more confused for the past 3 days...I now see an opening to end this while we're young and care recover easily, but also see how understanding and willing she is to make this work...she truly loves me unconditionally...

 

I basically am going nuts...change my mind every hour, ups and downs...it's unbearable!! One minute I say to myself, it's okay let's end this and move on with our youth, my ex also loved me unconditionally, I thought it would be the end of the world if we broke it off, but we were both fine....On the other hand, the guilt kills me when I see how supportive she's being, and I feel selfish for wanting to move on, like it's the easy way out...

 

I suggested some time a part, being around her is clouding my judgment and just making me want to never have said anything (I actually feel great with her now, but I don't know if it's the threatening/fragile and emotional circumstances or a genuine new era...)...

 

A lot friends are pushing me towards leaving, simply using the argument that the sacrifice is too important at this age...She's a great girl and I love her, but I want to be able to distinguish what's real from what's fantasy...I 'm usually in touch with my feelings, but it's a mess at the moment...Uggghhh

 

Eagerly waiting for your thought sweetcheriepie...

[jmargel]

You are jumping all over the place and putting your new wife on a roller coaster ride. What are you trying to accomplish here? Sounds like you have regret and resentment towards her for moving to the states. That was your decision, whether or not you felt 'forced' too.

 

When you get married you BECOME one. That doesn't mean you are attached to each other, but your spouse is YOUR number one priority. It sounds like you are getting cold feet after the wedding, buyer's remorse?

 

You seem to be dwelling on the negatives and trying to justify on how to push yourself away from this marriage and her. Continue this and she will leave you. She married you because she loves you, because she chose YOU over all the billions of men in this world to live her life with.

 

Was it wrong to jump from one relationship to the next? Yes. And it sounds like she is also try to teach you through this relationship. I can understand her view point because a few months after I got married my wife was acting like you, pushing herself away and doing things she shouldn't. It created alot of problems for the marriage and myself.

 

In my opinion you are not giving her a fair chance. You are setting up the cards to allow the marriage to fail. One of the main things you will learn in a marriage is compromise. You will NEVER get your way, nor will she. Your love for each other has to be stronger than your own personal wants. I really suggest you two see a marriage counselor.

 

We are only getting your side of the story, wish we could get hers. You two also have to communicate with each other better so that you can actually understand where each other is coming from. And stop scaring her with these types of conversations! You will push her away faster than you can blink. Women love confidence and security, especially when it comes to a marriage. Why are you pulling these two things away from her?

[Karimnow]

Hi Jmargel,

 

I fully understand the commitment and definition of marriage, the compromise, communication, sharing and building etc...

 

I also agree I am focusing on the negative, but see it as simple and honest questioning and self introspection...We are both young, and our marriage is young, so yes, ''buyers remorse'' as you said feels quite natural right now.

 

I guess I'm torn between two lifestyles really, and no one but me can figure it out...Single life and complete freedom, or stepping up and start a life with her? My only mistake was not to more seriously have considered this question before the marriage, but then again, that's why I'm writing on LS...I'm facing those feelings right now, with those facts and mistakes, just trying to find a way out of that torment...

[2sure]

She does sound needy.

I wonder why she feels insecure?

As her husband you do have an obligation to help make her feel secure , loved, and confident in the relationship.

Since you were attracted to her initially because she was strong and independent, what is happening in the relationship to change this.

It could be as you say: She doesnt have relationship experience. Something in her upbringing is affecting her self esteem and trust.

OR

She may feel insecure knowing that you have broken off long term love relationships before and that you are a self described Don Juan.

She may feel that now that you are married and legal to work in the US, the marriage is not so important to you.

She may feel that the marriage has been so short , it should still be in the honeymoon stage instead of the "lets take separate trips" stage.

She may be feeling that you considered the wedding day and ceremony just a bit of paperwork...with a REAL wedding in the future whereas to her, this was a LIFE event.

She may be feeling less than confident with you because you haven't told your parents she is your wife.

 

Come on. Even if I dont have all the details correct - you are just trying to justify something you want to get out of and make it look ...if not like her fault entirely...make it look as though it was just an unfortunate natural course of events and a young foolish mistake.

 

Now that you've tried it out here...does your conscious feel better?

[quankanne]

A lot friends are pushing me towards leaving, simply using the argument that the sacrifice is too important at this age

 

bloody hell, man? Did you honestly believe marriage is a cakewalk?

 

well, it isn't. It's a daily struggle to do right by the relationship, and therefore the person you marry, because you understand it's not just about ME anymore, but a whole new animal that involves another person.

 

sure you miss what you had before – that's natural – but you also went into this marriage understanding that the dynamic of the relationship was changing.

 

I am sorry to hear that your wife isn't the person you believed her to be, but that's part of the marriage territory. My guess is that neither of you were mature enough to enter this marriage, and now you're trying to figure out how to get out (you) or fix it (her).

 

you need to put on your big boy panties and figure out a solution to this before just walking away from it.

 

and the thing about not telling your folks? VERY immature. As an adult, you need to suck it up and be honest with them even when you know it may lead to hurt or displeasure for them. Your parents are the last people who deserve to be lied to, especially because you don't want to "get in trouble."

[Karimnow]

2Sure you got it right. Her insecurities are definitely a mix of all the factors you listed.

However, I think we're past that point, and I don't really blame her for the issues we faced (which can work themselves out I think)...but more of a dilemma with myself...

Yes, I am trying to justify something I want to get out of...

The only issue is that I don't know if it's worth it or not! I feel this would've all worked out perfectly with compromise, commitment and the whole shebang if I had given myself a few more years of independence...

I don't know about my conscious, but something does feel a little better...

[Karimnow]

My guess is that neither of you were mature enough to enter this marriage, and now you're trying to figure out how to get out (you) or fix it (her). "

 

That is the exact point I'm running over and over in my mind...Should I get out and basically give up before there's any major damage (having built a full life down the line in 10years, kids etc...) OR have faith in us and take the plunge, even if that means missing what I had?

[Island Girl]

Do you really think that after spending close to two years together she can't sense that you have been pulling away and having these doubts?

 

She may not know exactly what has been happening but she knows a dynamic is different.

 

And knowing that has sparked insecurities that because of relationship inexperience she has no idea how to handle.

 

I am sure she is feeling a bit lost and like something has changed. She doesn't know what or to what extent.

This causes her to act out in desperation even more so since she is not getting reassurances from you.

 

You mention "getting on with your youth".

 

I think your whole problem is that you now see this as the end of a chapter in your life. Like your youth will now be over and you will suddenly be an old fart piddling away your time.

Which just means you have commitment issues that you didn't pay attention to or were in denial about BEFORE the marriage. You said "it always seemed a little rushed".

 

None of this is true of course.

You can still travel and now have a companion to go with you and you obviously have enjoyed her company for over a year and a half. Along with everything else you have always done.

 

You have the issue. It is not her or the marriage.

[jmargel]

Hi Jmargel,

 

I fully understand the commitment and definition of marriage, the compromise, communication, sharing and building etc...

 

I also agree I am focusing on the negative, but see it as simple and honest questioning and self introspection...We are both young, and our marriage is young, so yes, ''buyers remorse'' as you said feels quite natural right now.

 

I guess I'm torn between two lifestyles really, and no one but me can figure it out...Single life and complete freedom, or stepping up and start a life with her? My only mistake was not to more seriously have considered this question before the marriage, but then again, that's why I'm writing on LS...I'm facing those feelings right now, with those facts and mistakes, just trying to find a way out of that torment...

 

Honestly what can you not do by being married to her? No matter what woman you are with there will always be that common need that they will all have. You can be married and have freedom, in my marriage I don't have a collar on sort of speak. I have my responsibilities but when I want to go out, I do.

 

I still think you are now facing maturity (not trying to be offensive) but not telling your parents and lying to her about it is very immature. Maybe you are afraid of this maturity and you are mixing maturity with losing your freedom?

 

Being married isn't about being on a ball and chain. No, you can't date/sleep around like you were when you are single. And honestly when I did that it was a pretty awful feeling. I much prefer having sex with someone that really loves me than some strange chick I met somewhere.

 

Don't make any decisions based on emotion. You are freaking yourself out over things that will sort themselves out eventually. I still urge you both to goto counseling and also let time help the situation out. I believe you are pushing way too much on your wife and that's a good reason why she's acting insecure. You are causing her to do this. If the marriage is going to fail, leave knowing you tried everything you can (including counseling).

 

You two are young as well and you two have been through alot. Now is the time to enjoy each other and life. Marriage like just about everything else is hard work but you can get some great rewards out of it.

 

Be proud of your wife, love her for who she is. Give her security, love, honesty and respect and you will see the side of her that you say you are missing.

[asireen]

That is the exact point I'm running over and over in my mind...Should I get out and basically give up before there's any major damage (having built a full life down the line in 10years, kids etc...) OR have faith in us and take the plunge, even if that means missing what I had?

Your wife tried to take you for granted till she felt there is a good possibility you may leave her. If you have kids with her, leaving will get way more difficult. She will have the upper hand then, she knows that. Right now, you have the upper hand, and she knows that too. Whatever you do, do not have children with this woman till you know for sure. My opinion from reading your post - same as your friends, get out of this marriage.

[Touche]

I don't agree with the poster who said marriage is a "daily struggle" to do what's right for the other person...or something to that effect. If it's really a daily struggle, something is way off.

 

That said, I'm for getting out. You're BOTH clearly not ready for what it takes. Not only that, you're an absolute mis-match.

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[quankanne]

I said it, and I stand by my words. Not struggle in the sense that there's permanent strife or division between the couple, but more of an ego-struggle that OP's post represents: Do I stay here and give up what freedoms I want, or do I leave behind a situation that's holding me back somehow?

 

for the most part, we live happily or contentedly with our decisions, but when our spouse is driving us nuts or being a pendejo ... or we're tempted by what looks to be a more "fun" lifestyle ... then yeah, it's definitely a daily struggle until said issue gets resolved. But because marriage is a partnership, you've got to rethink those personal wants in terms of how it affects "us."

[2sure]

How long must you remain married to be able to legally continue working in the US or attain your citizenship?

[asireen]

How long must you remain married to be able to legally continue working in the US or attain your citizenship?

You must be married for 2 years before your Green Card (through marriage) becomes permanent. If a divorce takes place before 2 years, you lose your Green Card in most cases. US citizenship takes 3 years after Green card obtained by marriage.

[Sweetcheripie]

Thanks for following up!

 

So...Dinner went relatively well, for me at least...I was very open on all levels and just told her that she was too dependent on me and that we should exist as individuals and not only a couple, especially at such a young age with so many exciting things to face(career,travel, experiences) while still having a great relationship...

 

She listened to every word and basically received it well, said she would make efforts but that it would feel ''fake'' (which I agree with). I woke up to long letter the next morning saying that she was very scared now, and for the first time feels like she might lose me. She also asked me to think long and hard about us and if I really wanted this marriage...

 

I've been even more confused for the past 3 days...I now see an opening to end this while we're young and care recover easily, but also see how understanding and willing she is to make this work...she truly loves me unconditionally...

 

I basically am going nuts...change my mind every hour, ups and downs...it's unbearable!! One minute I say to myself, it's okay let's end this and move on with our youth, my ex also loved me unconditionally, I thought it would be the end of the world if we broke it off, but we were both fine....On the other hand, the guilt kills me when I see how supportive she's being, and I feel selfish for wanting to move on, like it's the easy way out...

 

I suggested some time a part, being around her is clouding my judgment and just making me want to never have said anything (I actually feel great with her now, but I don't know if it's the threatening/fragile and emotional circumstances or a genuine new era...)...

 

A lot friends are pushing me towards leaving, simply using the argument that the sacrifice is too important at this age...She's a great girl and I love her, but I want to be able to distinguish what's real from what's fantasy...I 'm usually in touch with my feelings, but it's a mess at the moment...Uggghhh

 

Eagerly waiting for your thought sweetcheriepie...

 

You got lots more advice!

 

I'm glad you were honest with her. I don't think you can blame her for being needy - either conciously or subconsciously you sound like you have been pushing her away. And that can be crazy making but now you are being honest and she can make her own decisions.

 

It sounds like you really love her and very torn but I still keep going back to the fact that you got married without telling your parents etc. I think you didn't get into the marriage with full commitment and that is not really fair.

 

The best would be to get some space. Give her time to think too.

[pole_cat]

Hi Karimnow,

 

I find your story distressing because my husband and I are witnessing his best friend wade through a marriage that sounds similar to yours. If I come across as rude, I'd like to apologize in advance. I say these things knowing that there are two sides to every story. I just have your side. Also, there are neither perfect people nor perfect marriages. Both partners in a marriage participate in determining its direction.

 

...We both met in London while in grad school almost about 2 years ago and have not left each other since, literally.

 

...We were both very frivolous in our respective past relationships, for we kind of both had it easy when it came to intimacy...

 

Two things here:

1) The independence that she demonstrated early in your relationship may have merely been a hedge against emotional pain. Now, within the confines of a "secure" relationship, she in fact may be revealing her true self. If that's the case, she sounds PATHOLOGICALLY needy.

2) From what you've written I understand that, up until recently, this continuous togetherness had been alright with you. Is this accurate?

 

My parents were kept in the dark. SO wrong, I know, but they had never met before and weren't ready for it.

 

If you have a close, mutually respectful relationship with your parents this is an extremely bad sign. Not being able to share something like this with them means that it's probably the wrong thing to be doing. Sounds like you have come to that realization.

 

Things started to show up in the past 4months or so:

 

- She turned out to be extremely dependent, to a point where I felt suffocated. She was never that way at first, I committed to her in the first place for her strong personality and character. It turned out she only was that way with people she never really cared about (us in the first months, it was quite casual), but as soon as she fell in love with me, she changed...

 

- I feel like the adult carrying the relationship....I now feel she's going through an education in relationships and I have to train her through it...Learning to trust, to share, compromise give and take etc...

 

What you describe here sounds absolutely unbearable and untenable. She is not your child. She is your partner. There's nothing but misery awaiting you if this cannot/doesn't change.

 

...With her, I've witnessed big arguments and nasty fighting over important AND petty things. I thought it was all part of the passion at first, but starting to think it's just not myself anymore...

 

...But I always felt like I gave more than her in the relationship, since day one...Recently it has reached a peak that I refuse to take. I want things to be fair an reasonable, for us to live a healthy beautiful life together as partners and friends he way I know can be achieved...

 

You will neither fix her nor save her. All of this behavior may increase with time. A healthy and beautiful life may not be possible at her side. If she has a personality disorder (which seems likely from what you describe), not even a mental health professional will make much headway.

 

...I'm very outgoing and social. She was, but feels like we don't need it anymore. Quoting her: ''I feel like you're enough for me, I don't need anything or anyone else, but you do''....

So I now feel like she's completely holding me back, from being myself, from taking chances in life, opportunities etc...

I kept it to myself for a month or so, thinking that it was just a phase and that I would shake it off, only to realize it was only getting more intense, and that was actually looking forward to a business trip for a week, the same way I was looking forward to her leaving for work this morning...

Yep. Here is what I was mentioning above.

...I talked to her last night, sharing the fact that I felt a little suffocated and we maybe needed to be more independent,and let ourselves be individuals even if in a very symbiotic relationship (we literally do EVERYTHING together, we're lucky to be freelancers and work at our time, from home so every second is mostly spent together)...She burst in tears saying that she felt alone and distant from me when I actually needed the help...I was simply lost for words and exhausted again...

 

This sort of thing, generally, does NOT get better. Over time, has the relationship become about her? Does it increasingly revolve around her needs? Does she "punish" you when they are not met? These are classic signs of psychological troubles (personality disorder?).

 

What terrifies me is that I've had obsessive visions all week, of how we would end things and separate, which adds the guilt factor to the whole thing...

 

GUILT - This is the main tool used by the wife of my husband's friend. This is how she manipulates and controls him.

 

Are those typical issues that work themselves out with time?

 

NO! They are neither typical nor curable.

 

I woke up to long letter the next morning saying that she was very scared now

Guilt-inducing? Manipulative? You might want to ponder that.

...also see how understanding and willing she is to make this work...

This here is key. Can she actually participate in making this work? Can she step away from her own needs, fears, etc...

...she truly loves me unconditionally...

 

I don't believe, personally, that is possible. It seems to me that the one shot we all have at receiving unconditional love is from a parent/parental figure. Love in any other sort of relationship is killable. Sad but true. She may believe that your love for her is unconditional.

 

Look up Dependent Personality Disorder. See what you think.

 

I hope I didn't offend in offering my perspective. Personally, if I were you I would GET OUT now.