7 years and wanting out

[ohsotired]

I have been truly unhappy in my marriage for the last year. I have been married for 7 years and have 2 small kids. My husband and I met 15 years ago. Over the last year I have not been able to handle my husband's controlling and anal ways. He complains about the chores not being done and constantly yells at the kids. We all live on pins and needles knowing if there is an accident like the kids spilling their milk he will go off. He works 3 days a week (12 hr shifts) I work regular 8 hour shifts 5 days a week on an off shift. The chores all fall on me. I created a cleaning schedule listing all the things each week that need to be done (his request) to help him figure out what needs to be done. He never follows it and spends his time on his computer, watching tv or goes out shopping. He wants to have sex with me every day and if I don't gives me a guilt trip.

 

So I will break it down on what has happened in the last year. First coming from a broken home I have tried to look beyond these issues and try to do more to compensate for his laziness. I have become so tired of his yelling calling all of us stupid even the kids that I feel I have no love left for him. I can't stand him most of the time. I feel like we are different people and have tried to connect with him even though I knew he would get nicer just for a while. I thought staying married would be best for the kids then my friend told me if I was happy my kids would be happy. I am still young, attractive and I am very grounded. This isn't about wanting to be free so I can go party or sleep around, I actually don't drink and have had very few partners.

 

I just have different views and his constant complaining and selfish behavior has driving me to the edge and I want out. I have asked for a divorce like 6 months ago and he changed temporarily until he thought I was over getting divorced then he just slipped right back into his old behavior. As far as counseling is concerned, no thanks I can even stand to listen to his "I know everything" mentality another minute. I can't leave right now since I need him to help me with the kids since I work an off shift and he needs to me. But am I being to picky? My friend recently divorced and says she hates being alone and says she wishes she tried more. I just find myself dreaming of living with out him and how my kids and me will be happier with out all his insults.

 

We have both changed so much since we married and we are different people. He literally spends 4 hours on the computer every day before I go to work while I clean, cook lunch and run around taking care of errands. Then once I am done he wants to have sex and tells me when I am done with my chores let him know so we can hang out. He does this over and over. When he is off work he piles dishes in the sink, he won't fold laundry, says cleaning bathrooms isn't a man's job. The other worst part is he has double standards. He shops on-line constantly and spent our whole tax return on crap. I wanted a kitten since I am a cat lover and he said only if he could spend the tax return. I told him heck no and got the cat but he actually did it and spent it all. He just shops and shops and controls every penny I spend. What a contradiction. Any comments would appreciated. Thanks for reading. I really need some advice.

[Pradajunkie]

I have been truly unhappy in my marriage for the last year. I have been married for 7 years and have 2 small kids. My husband and I met 15 years ago. Over the last year I have not been able to handle my husband's controlling and anal ways. He complains about the chores not being done and constantly yells at the kids. We all live on pins and needles knowing if there is an accident like the kids spilling their milk he will go off. He works 3 days a week (12 hr shifts) I work regular 8 hour shifts 5 days a week on an off shift. The chores all fall on me. I created a cleaning schedule listing all the things each week that need to be done (his request) to help him figure out what needs to be done. He never follows it and spends his time on his computer, watching tv or goes out shopping. He wants to have sex with me every day and if I don't gives me a guilt trip.

 

So I will break it down on what has happened in the last year. First coming from a broken home I have tried to look beyond these issues and try to do more to compensate for his laziness. I have become so tired of his yelling calling all of us stupid even the kids that I feel I have no love left for him. I can't stand him most of the time. I feel like we are different people and have tried to connect with him even though I knew he would get nicer just for a while. I thought staying married would be best for the kids then my friend told me if I was happy my kids would be happy. I am still young, attractive and I am very grounded. This isn't about wanting to be free so I can go party or sleep around, I actually don't drink and have had very few partners.

 

I just have different views and his constant complaining and selfish behavior has driving me to the edge and I want out. I have asked for a divorce like 6 months ago and he changed temporarily until he thought I was over getting divorced then he just slipped right back into his old behavior. As far as counseling is concerned, no thanks I can even stand to listen to his "I know everything" mentality another minute. I can't leave right now since I need him to help me with the kids since I work an off shift and he needs to me. But am I being to picky? My friend recently divorced and says she hates being alone and says she wishes she tried more. I just find myself dreaming of living with out him and how my kids and me will be happier with out all his insults.

 

We have both changed so much since we married and we are different people. He literally spends 4 hours on the computer every day before I go to work while I clean, cook lunch and run around taking care of errands. Then once I am done he wants to have sex and tells me when I am done with my chores let him know so we can hang out. He does this over and over. When he is off work he piles dishes in the sink, he won't fold laundry, says cleaning bathrooms isn't a man's job. The other worst part is he has double standards. He shops on-line constantly and spent our whole tax return on crap. I wanted a kitten since I am a cat lover and he said only if he could spend the tax return. I told him heck no and got the cat but he actually did it and spent it all. He just shops and shops and controls every penny I spend. What a contradiction. Any comments would appreciated. Thanks for reading. I really need some advice.

 

I will be the first person to tell you that there are 2 sides to every story, but reading your post my first impression is that he sounds like a manipulative, controlling, emotionally abusive jerk, I think you know what you need to do, but when a cycle of abusive, even emotionally abusive, behaivor has started most people are already sucked in.... I suggest to get into some personal counseling quick. I know you said you needed the help with your children, do you have any family or friends close by that could help you through if you got him out of the house?

[tojaz]

Do you still love him??? Would you want it to work??? The reason I'm asking is, my wife thought many of the same things about me. She reached a point where she said she still loved me, but didn't believe things could be different. She had never told me her concerns, just kept them bottled up until she wanted out. Now shes out. She too was unwilling to try MC while I was all for it. I decided to go for IC on my own and it helped me to realize the places we went wrong. If we would have gone together, I truly believe it would have saved our marriage. That of course depends on how you answered the ??? above.

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

You should both go into MC. He is turning a deaf ear to you and looks at you as his mummy. That will never change and could escalate into something much worse unless you both seek counselling. People can change for the better when they are faced with losing what they have. Make it clear to him that you are considering pulling the plug.

[LisaUk]

Totally agree with Hopes and Dreams and Tojaz, I would have done ANYTHING to work it out with my ex, but he would not even try, I didn't even know there was anything wrong, he didn't tell me until after he left, saying "we are both always going to be the same people and we should be true to ourselevs" People can change, I've changed just from having this happen to me. My ex wouldn't even know me now!

[tojaz]

Totally agree with Hopes and Dreams and Tojaz, I would have done ANYTHING to work it out with my ex, but he would not even try, I didn't even know there was anything wrong, he didn't tell me until after he left, saying "we are both always going to be the same people and we should be true to ourselevs" People can change, I've changed just from having this happen to me. My ex wouldn't even know me now!

 

These exact words where spoken by my wife. People change all the time, he changed you changed, people change and continue to change. Take it from someone who was left behind. I changed, and I 've started changing again. If you love him, give him a chance, but on your terms, with pro help so it is an honest change this time.

TOJAZ