Lost & In Love... needs

[Little_Miss_Love]

My boyfriend who wants to marry me, and introduces me as his fiance, when we're not engaged... often looks like he's took at least 6 xanax / somas. He used to be a heroin addict and is now a pill head.

 

We've been together and lived together about a year and a half. I've helped him improve his addiction problems. He tried going to a rehab, but now since we have a 7 month old, he won't go back. He always says he's "fine" or he didn't take anything .. or always comes up with an excuse!

There have been 1,000's and 1,000's of lies. So many times he's pushed me to limits I've never gone before. Like being in an outrage when I found he was trying to hock my other daughter's golden diamond heart necklace that she got for her 1st Valentine's day along with my other gold jewelry. And he's stolen from me.

 

We live together now in his father's house, in his niece's room. He works now with my father and messes up everyday that my father always calls and yells at me:(. We haven't had a car since the day I came home with the baby from the hosptial. He was loaded on xanax and totalled the car. Since she's been born he's 'tried' to get heroin, he is on suboxen and all the money he makes goes to his dr's visits and suboxen scripts. We have no money for ourselves or the baby. I have 2 other children that I'm fighting custody for. He does good for a fair amount of time and then screws up again. And he always lies about EVERYTHING! But I know he IS trying! But I'm afraid living in this house isn't helping at all. And we only have til September to find a place, or else we're homeless.

 

I don't know what else to do:(. I know only HE can change HIMSELF. And he has to WANT to. He does, but he always says.. "I don't know why i do the things I do. It's not done intentionally to hurt you"

 

I've been to NA meetings with him and supported him for about a year now in and out of the rooms. I try everything I possibly can, and I feel like I'm never gonna be happy here. but he always insists he's getting better and that if me and the baby were to leave than that would be "it" for him!

 

I do love him dearly , if u met him he's the sweetest guy with such good manners, but BAD BAD bAd character defects!!!!! He hardly ever raises his voice, he'd never lay a hand on me, he has hardly even said anything bad to disrespect me, and ALWAYS praises me to other people:love:!! Always talks of me like I'm a Queen and he's blessed by god to have me. Yet, he has a short fuse, bad work ethic, horrible motivation, spends the little money that we need to save up for scratch offs and coffee (when we have coffee home) and candy, and ice cream (every week). every little thing ADDS UP!! We hardly have any money for food. And I have to give me and the baby's food stamp money to feed the whole house of 7 people. It's all gone within 2 weeks. I don't touch any money.. all I do is try to save. I've gone far and beyond for him even on father's day and other holidays. All I ever get is a card or two, maybe three. Then he always has an excuse i got u this.. but then this happened, I wanted to get u that but it was chipped and I'm waiting for another shipment of it..

I feel so unappreciated.

 

I have no family and have no where to go. His family has become my family. And I know his condition has indeed improved tremendously!!! It feels like the sliding upward scale he's riding is slow as SH*T.. I feel like I'll be dead before he's gotten the right amount of recovery he needs.

 

I am So torn! I found out I was pregnant and stuck around to help him because that's the kind of person I am. I want my daughter to have a father that she can look up to.

 

I feel trapped in this tiny room in the house with no way of getting out and the baby's so attached to me, I can't go anywhere without her! I can't even work!!

 

I just don't know if I can stick it out any longer. I tried to leave him once and his mother came over and begged and made me stay. She even took my phone from me so I couldn't make any phone calls.

 

I'm trapped with no freedom to figure out just what I wanna do. He makes me happy.. and then he rips my heart apart.

 

I'm losing my mind. And I really don't have anyone to talk to. I need to stay strong in the meantime for myself and these 3 little girls of mine. But, it's just SO hard!!!!

 

Lost & In Love

[Mr. Lucky]

You seem to have two reasons to stay with him:

 

1). He needs you

2). He doesn't hit you

 

While this relationship seems to work well for him, what chance does it offer you to live any kind of normal life and provide for your children? Seems like you already know the answer.

 

Until you get the courage to act on their behalf, you will remain stuck right where you are. And while I feel for you, I feel more sorrow for your kids. While you play nursemaid to what sounds like a hopelessly selfish man, their lives are trashed. Sad all around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Little_Miss_Love]

The only good news is, someone very close to me is waiting on a settlement of millions. For everything I did for them and their family.. I'll be getting a house and a new car and be able to open my own business. I'll be more than able to do for all my kids then. The settlement will either be finished when they go to trial in August or if they appeal it it may not happen for up to two years. But, I do have a lot going for me in the future.. I just don't know if I can handle all of this anymore regardless.

[Mr. Lucky]

The only good news is, someone very close to me is waiting on a settlement of millions.

I can only imagine the field day he'd have with "your" money.

 

Why do you stay?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LakesideDream]

It appears that this relationship defines disfunction. First, nobody can have a successful relationship with a narcotics addict. His priority is narcotics.

 

Second you have at least one, and maybe 3 children you need to be a responsible adult for. Your boyfriend needs to take care of himself. You need to take care of yourself and the children.

 

There are many/many programs out there designed specifically to help you. I suggest you contact your states appropriate agency and start making decisions for yourself.

[Little_Miss_Love]

He wouldn't get a field day. If he continues to do good, he can come live with me, and as things progress if they do, then more good things would follow of course. But, I refuse to marry him if I can't trust him. I stay with him for all the "good" that's within him. He wants to do better, and from when I first met him, he is almost like a new person! When I am set on stable ground, I won't need him anymore for anything but to be a good father to the baby, and to be good to me. If he can't do that, then he'll just simply have to leave. I know if and when that time comes that it'll be hard... but if I were to leave him now it'd be hard just the same.

 

But, on the other hand I've always been one to put someone under my wing until I can no longer carry them. I'm just hoping for our relationship's sake and for our lil baby girl that he improves before his time is up. His progress is just so drawn out. And I've been as strict as I can be about some things. Sometimes I feel like "I'm" the one that's 6 years older than "Him"!!

I'm just so depressed here, yet I do see improvement. Then, I'm not sure if anything can help him. It's sad!

[Lucky_One]

#1 Don't hold your breath on someone giving you a house and a new car and cash enough to open a new business. Go out and earn your own way instead of waiting for a third party to come through on expensive promises - especially when this third party finds out that they are going to have to pay gift taxes.

 

#2 Go out and get a job. Put your child in daycare, like millions of other single working mothers. Save your pay, and move out. The baby will adjust to not being on your hip 24/7, and will likely be healthier for being out of this house in an educationally oriented atmosphere that provides good, nutritious meals and snacks.

 

#3 Or move in with your father (I though you had no family?) if you have no other housing options. Living on a couch in his home would be preferable to living the way you are now.

 

#4 Please leave your other 2 children in the ongoing custody arrangement they are in now. You do not have a stable home environment - not to mention that you don't even have enough food to feed them. Oh, I am sure that you will get more Food Stamps or EBT, but it appears that the family of 7 you are living with will eat those up, rather than your other 2 children receiving their intended benefits.

 

#5 Take anything valuable that you own, and give it to your father for safekeeping. This man obviously loves his drugs more than he loves you, and will end up stealing you blind.

 

This is beyond dysfunctional. I can literally see your living situation - I have far too many clients like this - and it is a disservice to your one custodial child. Do the grown-up thing for your child and change YOUR living situation, rather than worry about the living situational of your drugged out addict BF. Who is more important to you - this baby, or your BF?

[Lucky_One]

How many boards are you going to post this on, anyway?

[Little_Miss_Love]

lol.. I was desperate for help and for someone to talk to.. and I thank you for listening. You are the only one who took heart to respand to me. I was just writing something to you that took me about 15 minutes between typing and taking care of the baby, and it just erased with the new reply that came in? I guess that's what happens on this site? I don't know, first time user... I'll try to remember what I just wrote

[Little_Miss_Love]

I have been on my own since I was 16. I was an outcast to the family who got beat up and was the only one given chores to because I wasn't my father's wife's daughter, and my biological mother cares less about me and only cares about her other kids and her pills. She never even sent me a birthday card all my life. I tried for years after meeting her at age 16 to have some sort of a bond with her. I finally gave up years ago. Furthermore I was molested by my step-mother's brother from age 5-13. When truth came about he ran off and disappeared and me and his daughter and two other girls that came forth were to blame (in my step-mother's eyes). I had to move like a gypsy since to be able to survive. I tried going back to school but I missed too many days bc of the group homes my father threw me in. My father is the only one to come in and out of my life but won't be a part of my life or my kids life bc of his sick deranged wife that he chose over me. I cannot go back there.

 

I had left my other 2 daughters father bc he was abusive. He has now been with the babysitter that I hired and befriended just before leaving him. I was a stay at home mother and had no money for a place so as long as my ex was not abusive and provided for them I left them at home rather then drag them into shelters. They are now 6 and 8 and I try to see them every chance I get. My ex is just the most spiteful person in the world and doesn't abide by my rights as their mother. We have joint custody, my free appointed attorney vs his expensive drug selling paid for lawyer was no help to me at all. I've been battling since. Even moved to SC for 10 months for cheaper living to pick up the pace on getting my life together. Unfortunately for me, my vehicle got totalled, I was held at gunpoint, purse got stolen, a man I was with for 2 years stole $2,000 out of my bank account, and then my house got robbed!! So I came back with 2 suitcases and met my BF in which him and his mother took me in.

 

My ex who I was with for 2 years is still my friend. He is the one coming into millions. He's given back thousands, and helps me, and is there for me any day of the week pretty much. He's lose his other hand for me (he was in a terrible accident after he stole the money from my bank account, and I kicked him out. He was on a motorcycle and a mack truck ran him over and dragged him 250 ft with his hand caught under the tire). We are still very close. And he knows I still care for him, and maybe one day we can work out the differences we had, but I'm not jumping back into another relationship.. and especially not just because he'll be rich. He knows everything. We're in contact almost every day. He's taken out loans to help me, just as I went out of my way to help him and his daughters while I was with him.

 

When I moved back to NY, I met my bf. And been with him ever since.

One "big" thing that keeps me where I am... is the fear of being alone I guess.. besides the fact that I do in fact Love him, and his family. No one wants to be alone. But, I will do what I have to. I just don't know how many more chances I can stand to give my baby's father. I won't stand for the broken record of excuses and promises, and "sorry"s.

 

I would go to work. But, I have no transportation. I can't see myself dragging the baby down a busy road in rain (like we've seemed to have almost everyday lately for 2 months) to a bus stop, and do possible transfers to get to a daycare, to wait for another bus, to possibly have to do transfers to a job. To work, then take a bus back to the baby, then bus home. I can't see that happening. I'm trying to figure things out on what exactly I'm going to do... My mind is just in jumbles and I don't know where to start half the time.

 

It would be nice if my family would say, come home, we'll take you and the baby in, you can use one of the 5 cars we own in the driveway, and have my (evil) step-mother watch the baby while I go to work, and pay them a certain amount a month, and save and go. If only that were my life, but, it's not. I'm one of the unfortunate ones. One whohas empty holidays if it weren't for one of my ex's family, and one who's had 2 birthday cakes in 12 years, because there's no family to throw me a birthday party. I have to throw my own! Isn't that SAD!

 

Lost & In Love

[Mr. Lucky]

It would be nice if my family would say, come home, we'll take you and the baby in, you can use one of the 5 cars we own in the driveway, and have my (evil) step-mother watch the baby while I go to work, and pay them a certain amount a month, and save and go. If only that were my life, but, it's not. I'm one of the unfortunate ones. One whohas empty holidays if it weren't for one of my ex's family, and one who's had 2 birthday cakes in 12 years, because there's no family to throw me a birthday party. I have to throw my own! Isn't that SAD!

 

Lost & In Love

You seem to waiting for someone else - a million dollar settlement, your alienated family - to bail you out. Until you realize that there isn't any rescue coming and the future is up to you, things will never improve. This is on your shoulders and you arrived at this point based on the choices you've made. Time to take responsibility...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Little_Miss_Love]

You're right... I know that there is no rescue coming. I know my family won't help, they never have... at least for 12 years. I was just stating it would be nice if that was the case.. but I am unfortunate in that aspect. I'm not particularly waiting for someone else, just putting aside lifelong partnership until I know exactly where I wanna be and who I wanna share my life with. For all I know I might not have even met him yet. I'm taking things step by step. Even went for my GED test.. next is classes and an exam. Looking to go to school to be in either forensics or in psychology. I would love either field.

 

If all else doesn't fall through, in which I know that the upcoming settlement will indeed fall through. At least to better my situation that I was placed in for opening my home and my heart to someone who took for granted what I did for him. The only way I can see me not getting anything from the settlement is if God forbid something horrible (death) happens to my ex. That's one reason why I'm trying to go back to school. I want to do something with my life instead of stare at 4 walls, and trying to provide for my children with what little pay my father gives my bf. I am more motivated than him to "make things happen".

 

I know I can't undo all the unfortunate things that happened in my life, and the wrong choices I made when there was no one to guide me, or the fact that everything led me to where I am now. Fate brought me here at this time and place, and I have to figure out just what I can do from here. I'm taking the necessary "steps" to improve my situation. My only hard decision here is "Can I stay with my bf, how much longer, can I still guide him in the right direction..." My want to help him out of the kindness in my heart, and out of love, and his family, and our baby girl is what binds me here!

 

If I stay, there could be possible gain... not just for me, for my daughter's life too.

My bf could continue his recovery and be able to provide better and our relationship could get better, and we can be married and have a family.

And, if I leave, it's all up to me. I know I can do it.. I've worked 3 jobs at one time before. I am capable of doing things on my own. And, I know it'd be up to me not to make any(more) wrong decisions, so not to let anyone or anything drag me down again!

 

I just don't know if I wanna let go of him. It's not that he hasn't improved or it's not getting better. He is, and it is! But, I just don't know if I can continue to ride this out with him, and still have enough strength mentally and emotionally to do everything that I have to accomplish. The worries and the undecidable part consume so much of me!!

 

Lost & In Love

[Mr. Lucky]

I just don't know if I wanna let go of him. It's not that he hasn't improved or it's not getting better. He is, and it is! But, I just don't know if I can continue to ride this out with him, and still have enough strength mentally and emotionally to do everything that I have to accomplish. The worries and the undecidable part consume so much of me!!

 

Lost & In Love

Well, to paraphrase the old saying, "those that don't study history are doomed to repeat it". And what you've posted about your BF's past (come on - hocking your daughter's necklace ???) doesn't give a casual observer much hope that he's going to wake up one day a changed man. I hope things work out for you; keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Little_Miss_Love]

As I said before, he has the infamous "character defects" that reside within addicts. When they'll do anything for a "fix" when they're going through a withdrawl. He's done very foolish, stubborn, selfish, and disrespectful things.

 

When I first met him... he was very sweet hearted.. but a COMPLETE MESS!

Now I hear from his friends he grew up with that live out of state that he is a GREAT GUY and he was/is WORTH "SAVING"!

 

Friends have told me all throughout my years, even people I meet first hand.. that I am very easy to talk to. You can talk to me about anything. Probably because I've basically seen and heard everything there is first hand. And with the mistakes I've made and the things I've learned, I try to help others that come forth to me about problems so just maybe they'd know NOT to make the same mistakes I've made, or to go about things a different way.

 

But, lately, my main concerns aren't to help others. I need to help myself, my kids, and the people I love first. Nobody else really matters. It makes me feel selfish because it's not my nature to be selfish at all.

 

My bf "picked up" one day not knowing he was gonna get himself addicted and has to live and deal with where he's ended up. He has a lot of recovery time after 10 years of using drugs. No one like me taught him how to open up, and no one came along to help or take the time. They just pointed fingers and put him down.

But I know I can only do so much... he has to get professional help.

So many times I wanted to give up and GO! But then he'd always bring up ways he's changed, to show that 'something' I'm doing is "right"!

 

I bartended for 6 years.. did some drinking, did some smoking pot, and after 5 1/2 years of bartending gave in and did some coke. Luckily for me I used drinking and drugs sparingly and socially. I never got addicted and never went overboard. I was always "the responsible" one of the group. I never let drugs or drinking 'consume' my life. I have now been sober almost a year and a half.

 

I'm staying considerably strong through all this. trying to think positive and optimistic. I've been searching for a job now. To make matters worse, my 2 girls' father is asking me to give him $600 this month to get my oldest a routainer for her teeth. He just "dumped" this on me out of the blue. I don't know HOW I'm gonna make this happen. I'm afraid of what is going to come of everything if I can't come up with that money. As I said he's VERY spiteful! It's bad enough the situation we're in and that we're gonna be homeless come September, and our cell phones are about to be shut off. I'm scared, and have bitten my nails down til the point that they hurt. My nerves are just shot. (Biting what's left to chew now actually)

 

I have talks with my bf on the regular. Try to keep an open communciation between us, and stay on the same page. Last month I took an empty poland spring water bottle, rigged it and COVERED it in electrical tape. So that way it cannot be broken into without me knowing, and so no one can know exactly how much is in there. So it's "out of sight out of mind". I've also started a bank for the baby, I got her an adoreable porcelain piggy bank decorated with her name on it. We put money in both banks every day. Smaller change in the baby's bank (for now, while times are hard) and quarters and dollars in the big black bank.

 

I sometimes wonder if I should move down south again. I'm really not in a good position to be living here in NY. I want to beable to feel "stable" again, and be able to provide for my kids. but, I don't wanna be away from them. I'm away from them too much as it is! And it kills me!

 

My ex doesn't tell me when they're sick, he didn't tell me when my littler one had her tonsils taken out, or was rushed to the hospital with an asthma attack. Doesn't inform me about they're schooling or even "parent teacher meetings". Keeps them from me on all holidays, changes his mind last minute every time it's agreed for me to take them. Even kept them from me on Mother's day for the last 2 years. His gf is walking around the house with a MOM coffee mug!! He usually always creates a fight whenever I go to pick them up, calling me names like "dirtbag", and puts me down to make me leave upset (with my tail between my legs). I don't even fight back. He always makes me look like "the bad guy" to my kids. Even puts the phone on speaker when I talk to them so he can hear and interrupt whenever he wants to. He says to me that I'm "Abusing" my kids when I tell them that I miss them!! That it's "child abuse"! He says this right in front of them. And laughs at me on the phone. In time, when they're old enough to realize, I wasn't the one being "the bad guy"!! I never kept him from them. I don't do what I wouldn't want done to me! He's the abuser, not me!

 

I want to go back to court to fight for my rights AT LEAST!!.. But I don't want to go before another judge with another free attorney who won't help, or be in front of the judge when I'm in the living situation I am in right now. I can't even have scheduled days to go pick them up because I don't have a car. last time I asked for them to call me everyday at 7pm.. he didn't go through with it. In the beginning before the last court session he only let them talk to me once every 2 weeks... I can't tell you how many times I've cried. It's been traumatic for me!

 

I've got a lot of hurt in my past to recover from. And, doing it alone is pretty darn hard!!

Growing up being abused and molested, on my own at 16 living in a shed for a year at one point in temperatures as low as -20 degrees, crying myself to sleep.

Being abused by my kids' father...

And now with someone who just can't get his act straight. But, he's trying.

 

Taking things day by day right now, and gonna continue working the steps I need to, and always going to follow my heart.

 

Lost & In Love

[Mr. Lucky]

And now with someone who just can't get his act straight. But, he's trying.

 

Taking things day by day right now, and gonna continue working the steps I need to, and always going to follow my heart.

 

Lost & In Love

I understand what you're saying but you can only base things on potential for so long. Addicts are great at making you wonder about all the big things they could accomplish if straight and sober. Full of big plans and promises, they also make you feel guilty and disloyal if you don'y buy in. "Don't you believe in me?" - does that sound familiar?

 

Given the people that depend on you, at some point you're going to have to move to a results based point of view. There's more than just your happiness at stake...

 

Mr. Lucky