girlfriend cheated on me and I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!

[Dreamless]

This is a long story to tell, I just wonder if anyone will read it. But I've come to a point where I can't stand it anymore. So here goes...

I'm 20 and my girlfriend is turning 18. We've been dating seriously for almost 2 years. I know her family very well and they love me. We've talked about getting married in the future and she was always the one who would assure me that it will happen. She has told me several times that she loves me to death and can't picture her life without me. I've been an extremely loyal bf to her with several opportunities to cheat but I Love her Too damn much to do something so stupid. So here is the problem...

The beginning of this month was when it started. She said to me that she feels that its not fair that I'm the only guy she's been with. I was also her first one to have her and everytime we make love its very special. She said she wanted to make sure that she's making the right decision with choosing me. So she asked for a breakup. Her friends hooked her up with a guy a few days later and she went out with him. He kissed her but She didn't like him. She calls me a few days later(a week after the breakup) and asks me if I can take her back. She felt like I was the one and sorry that she listened to her friends about exploring. So I asked her if she was sure and and that this wont happen again and she agreed and we got back together. It was fine for a few days and then we had an argument. She was upset that I didn't call her as much as I should and then said she might have RUSHED into making her decision. She also said that she's just a confused girl and that I shouldn't think too much. The story deepens here... She's been getting very close to her manager at work but she says that he's a friend. About a week after we got back together she calls me to tell me that her manager took her over to his house, but that nothing happened(I however had a dream that something did). She tells me 2 days later that she slept with her manager at work that day he took her to her place...

She said that she told me because she felt disgusted and guilty and couldn't believe that she did it. She admited that she wanted him deep down inside and that she enjoyed it physically. He basically seduced her and pushed her into doing it, and she didn't tell him that she wasn't a virgin until he was basically ready to go. And he had a girlfriend. But she feels ashamed and knows that she REALLY messed up bad. She knows that he used her and unfortunatley can't change what happened. What really bothers me is that she had SOO many chances to stop it but what she says is that when you're aroused its hard to control yourself. All she says it that she knows it wont happen again(btw she promised me that something like this would never happen many times before). But she wanted me to forgive her and to give her the chance for her to make it up to me. I forgave her Because I believed her and I love her and if she is willing to work it out then I am also. Of course I can't forget it. Its been Five days since she told me and I'm trapped by my own thoughts. I can't sleep because I envision the whole thing in my head and violently twitch from it. I cry harder than ever before.

I sometimes feel like Its partially my fault because I didn't give her the attention the way I was supposed to, but that shouldn't be the reason right?

She's been calling me every now and then but sometimes she doesn't call when she says she does. She says she loves me more than anything else with tears and she's always telling me how sorry she is. But I tell her that this can be worked out. I find myself changin my behavior towards her and treating her more like she means the world to me. But I don't feel like shes trying hard enought to do her part. I feel like dying sometimes because I can't rid this feeling of betrayal. I don't know what to do now. Did I do the right thing in giving this a chance because I really want this to work. When I asked her "What are we in terms of relation?" she said " I don't know" I still need time to think things out. I'm sure that I love you and that I want to be with you I just need to sort things out" So I gave her the time.

 

I can't function properly anymore and I cry a lot. I hope there is a girl out there that can respond to this. I know its long, but I need help BADLY because I don't know WHAT I might do.

[tredulce]

She is so confused! For your own peace of mind and your own self preservation, you need to let her go. It will be hard, but you'll feel better, you'll feel like you're finally taking care of YOU which is what you need to do to heal. If it's meant to be, you'll get back together. If you let her go she'll get to experience missing you and you sound like a great guy and I bet she will. Plus, she's going to keep cheating on you if she's into exploring and it will keep hurting you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you love something, set it free, and if it loves you it will come back (I think I've said that in my last 4 posts, lol).

 

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[Dreamless]

It's really hard for me to do. I can't stop thinking about her. But I also can't stop thinking whether shes lying to me or not at this very moment. She wants me to trust her.

[tredulce]

Just because you break up with her doesn't mean you have to not see her or never see her again. She has proven to you that you can't trust her, you need to learn from that and show her that it's not O.K. to treat you like that! Don't be a doormat, that will only make you less attractive to her or any other female.

 

Tell her you love her but can't trust her until she proves she's trustworthy. Keep in contact and see if it's meant to be--better to find out now rather than later, trust me.

 

Keep posting, goodluck

[crzgemini]

Hey Dreamless,

It's not the end of the world. You know I'm kinda in the same position right now. But I did the cheating and I desperately still love my boyfriend. I'm hoping that we can work things out but I'm giving him the space and time to sort through all his feelings and find what is really important to him. All I can say to you is if you truly believe that she is at the right moment in her life to be making a marriage commitment then stay with her and be patient with her. But it sounds like she is going through all the things younger women her age go through. I was married at the age of 20 and had not really dated before my husband. I am 36 now and divorced and have changed so much from my early 20's to now. My outlook on men and what I want from them have changed. You guys are so young and if you have only been in love once. (with her) then I would tell you to try and take a step back and realize that there are women out there who deserve your kind of love and devotion. There are women who appreciate the loyalty and patience of a man. She made a mistake. It may be in both your best interest to take time out and make her see what's really out there. She won't be happy when she finds out. You need to be strong and give her time to truly be on her own and not be her crutch to fall back on when she gets lonely or has no other options at the time. I know this will be hard but if you continue to support her through her bouts of waffling between you and her indecisiveness then you two will never build a strong foundation needed for marriage. She will take you for granted and will always think that no matter what she does to fail you that you will always be there for her. Remember Tough love dreamless! It will get better.

[vintim53]

Neither I, nor anyone else here can really tell you what you should do. I can only tell you my story. I am now 49, when I was 20 I married a girl that I had dated for over a year. After 1 1/2 years of marriage, she told me that she had had an affair. I will give her credit for at least telling me since I had no idea. BUT, I will tell you that I remained married to her for almost 20 years and had two children with her. AND NOT ONE SINGLE DAY OF THAT 20 YEARS WENT BY WITHOUT MY REMEMBERING AND HURTING FROM WHAT SHE DID. I won't pretend to understand how a woman feels when she has been cheated on but I will say that in my case, it caused me many many years of pain and I am only now beginning to be able to completely trust women. Perhaps you and she can work this out and have a happy life together. We are all different in how things affect us and how we are able to work through them. For me, I would never be able to get past being cheated on, no matter how much I loved someone.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

When people get exclusive, some begin to wonder if there's something out there better than what they have. You were her first lover, and since she doesn't have anyone to compare you to to find out if you're truly the best, well, she's skipping out on you. And she didn't just do it once, so after sometime, it could hardly be regarded as a mistake, but intentional. She's not ready to commit at this time. Commitment means you realize there are others out there you could happily be with as well, but you chose one person above the rest. While it's rare, there are plenty of people who got married in their late teens and early 20's that are still together. It's just about how strongly committed you are to making the relationship work. If she's not that committed, it's not going to work.