tofucrunch Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 My husband and I just had our 8th wedding anniversary and were together 4 yours prior to that. We had a rocky beginning but once he decided to commit, things were fine, for a while. I started to realize that he wasn't really attracted to me. He had no trouble asking for sex or performing, but he didn't seem to get aroused by me, only when I touched him there and it was obvious what was going to happen. I started dating him at 18, so I don't have a lot of experience to draw from. I do feel that something is lacking though and wonder if I am being selfish and expect too much from him. Is it possible to not be the most beautiful person in the room but have your spouse think you are? Can I be married to my best friend and have passion? I honestly feel rejected by him almost on a weekly basis. We talk about it once a year and he apologizes for not telling me how good I look though he does think it. Well, we talked today. I told him that I think he really did marry his best friend. I did too but I also happen to be attracted to him. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 So you married your best friend. From what you say, you married your only 'friend'...you've been together 12 years, and you were 18 when you began dating. So that makes you around 30. That's a long time to have only really been with one guy. No experience, no variety, not adventure. I think you're spot-on. So now you know what the problem is - it's not going to get any better, by the way - what do you think you guys should do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Is it possible to not be the most beautiful person in the room but have your spouse think you are? Yes Can I be married to my best friend and have passion? Yes I started to realize that he wasn't really attracted to me. I think your instincts are good. Attraction is a dynamic far beyond sex; it permeates every nuance of your interaction. It's either there or it isn't and, IMO, it can't be manufactured if not there nor rediscovered if lost. I can honestly tell you I got this way with my wife once I emotionally detached from her. She became just another objectively beautiful woman in the world with no particular uniqueness to me. I didn't achieve true clarity as to the why's until going through MC. I had instincts, like you do. In our case, our languages of love were terminally incompatible. OP, when would you say your H last really shared anything intimate with you? What was the subject matter? Do you feel responsible for the analysis of the marriage and all the communicating? If so, how do you feel about that? If you can accept that your H 'thinks' but does not express attraction, would he be willing to learn how to express it in language/actions that you perceive as valuable? If you have children, I'd suggest giving MC a shot. If not, I'm ambivalent. MC is expensive and, for us, it merely clarified why we should be divorced. So, not exactly a success story. Your results may be different. Still a gamble though. I wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 He had no trouble asking for sex or performing, but he didn't seem to get aroused by me, only when I touched him there and it was obvious what was going to happen. I'm confused by your statement "he didn't seem to get aroused by me, only when I touched him there" and why you see that in such a negative light? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author tofucrunch Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 We talked A LOT yesterday. The difference between this conversation and all the others about this problem is this time he didn't try to make excuses. When I said I think we keep coming back to this because he really truly married his best friend, nothing more, he got very quiet and thought. He is now trying to figure out if this is true and what that means for me. He is perfectly content. He says he never feels like he is missing anything. However, he can now see what I mean about the attraction and wonders if he might be keeping me from something more, something better. I thought for a while that I didn't love him anymore but I think I had actually started protecting myself from that rejection and pain. After all, I was the one who pursued him, and now I know why he dragged his feet. He is 11 years older than me. I think he settled for me and for some reason he doesn't feel anything is missing. How can he see what comes out of me and not realize or want the same from himself? We have an almost 4 year old daughter. The thought of breaking this up so that I can have more doesn't sit well. I am not unhappy. I think I am just not as happy as I think I could be! I am with the man of my dreams, he is perfectly content, but I don't think he is giving me everything. OP, when would you say your H last really shared anything intimate with you? What was the subject matter? Do you feel responsible for the analysis of the marriage and all the communicating? If so, how do you feel about that? Oh yeah, I am always responsible for the talks. He is content. I am the one lacking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tofucrunch Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 I'm confused by your statement "he didn't seem to get aroused by me, only when I touched him there" and why you see that in such a negative light? Mr. Lucky Lucky, shouldn't he get interested by my looks or my smell? He gets interested by the thought of sex, not by the thought of sex with me. Isn't that an issue? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Lucky, shouldn't he get interested by my looks or my smell? Not Lucky (no pun intended ), but yeah, he should. It's an intangible and completely subjective, IME. I've never been able to put logic to it. For me, it has no grounding in objective (by society's standards) beauty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tofucrunch Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 It's happening quickly. I was able to make an appointment for the 2 of us to see a therapist this evening. I am really nervous, but excited and then nervous again about my excitement! I feel numb today, which might be a good thing. I would hate to be sobbing too much for the appointment to go anywhere. I hope he is comfortable enough to be honest. Or do I? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Lucky, shouldn't he get interested by my looks or my smell? He gets interested by the thought of sex, not by the thought of sex with me. Isn't that an issue? I think that each person's sexuality is different, up to and including those things we respond to. So the answer to your question is a rousing "it depends" . I do think there's danger in applying cookie-cutter expectations to one's own relationship. If, in a nutshell, the issue is that he needs your touch to spring to attention then I'd guess that you're over-thinking this whole thing. Just my opinion... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I am not unhappy. I think I am just not as happy as I think I could be! I am with the man of my dreams, he is perfectly content, but I don't think he is giving me everything. I see some contradiction here. You are with the man of your dreams yet not unhappy (as opposed to being blissfully happy). What will it take to make you very happy ? You came here to post/looking for answers and to me that says a lot. You feel you are not adequate for him ? Why are you unhappy that he is content ? What is that you want from him that you feel he is holding back ? Have you thought about the same thing from his standpoint ? How would you rate your marriage ? Back to your OP, "i am i expecting a fairy tale" ? Stop expecting. Start working for it. YOU take the first step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tofucrunch Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 We went to our first counseling session yesterday. The therapist wonders if I might be the one with higher testosterone, or high T. She didn't think there was anything odd about my husband not being turned on visually. She also said something about my not being able to win in the problem I have set up for us. I guess I just need to accept that he really is in love with me even if he doesn't get turned on by the look of me. He doesn't feel like anything is missing at all! I might be mourning the missed opportunities for chemistry since I have been with him since I was 18. Or, maybe there is some intuition that knows something. I don't know. I am definitely not willing to give up what we have to find out if there might be someone out there who loves and treats me the way my husband does and also happens to get turned on when I come in the room. It will be really interesting to find out what is uncovered in therapy. Thanks for all the thoughts. It's been great to see this from another's perspective! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 She also said something about my not being able to win in the problem I have set up for us. I would think she means that, in order to understand the value of what you have in your relationship now, you'd have to leave and be with someone else. The old "grass isn't always greener..." thing. Hopefully your focus is on appreciating what you have... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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