Why do they tell me that divorce is a wrong move???

[impreza]

My husband and i are filing for divorce. I was the first one to bring the subject up and he said that he felt the same way. The story is very common: we do not get along, there is no feelings left, tried to work on our relationship over and over again, nothing changed. We were married for three years, no children, so the break up is not complicated. But the problem is my family trying to talk me out of it. They don't believe in divorce, they tell me that it is wrong. They tell me that my life will be miserable, that my next relationship will never make me happy, according to what they are saying, I am a loser screwing up my life. Now I'd like to ask people who went through this: is that true? Is my life going to turn upside down once I sign divorce papers? Is my next relationship going to be "cursed" only because I did not keep the promice I gave my husband when we exchanged vows? I am asking this question because of all the stress and pressure my relatives are putting on me right now, I can't take it anymore! So, please, give me some support and help me to get through this. Thanks a lot!

[quankanne]

tried to work on our relationship over and over again, nothing changed

 

if what you post is true, then hold your head up high, honey – lots of people just walk away without even trying to heal the relationship. And at this point, only YOU and HE know what's best.

 

my heart goes out to you both, because I cannot imagine it's easy to close the door on a marriage, even when y'all understand that there is nothing left to help revive it ...

 

meanwhile, gently but firmly tell your family that they have no clue what they are saying when they comment on your mutual decision to end the marriage, to please just shut up.

 

it'd be a whole 'nother story if you or he were walking away out of spitefulness or selfishness, but it sounds like you've done your best, and that's all ANYONE can ask. I say you're not going to be cursed for having the smarts to understand that you can only do so much before it's time to part – even better if y'all can do it with no hard feelings. That said, I imagine your family is worried that by "giving up" and divorcing, you're always going to look for the "easy way out" of relationships (faulty thinking, but they don't know any better!) ...

 

now for the big question: Do the both of you have a good support system to help you through this psychologically and emotionally?

[LisaUk]

IF you really have tried and this REALLY is a joint decision, then you have done everything you can. It's when one person doesn't say they are unhappy and walks away without giving the other a chance to try that's not right. I know this pain, my ex didn't even tell me he had problems with me and left without explanation, then would not come back and try and work things out.

 

If your situation is different and you have both exsusted every option, including MC, then that's a different case. One thing I would suggest is maybe some counselling, help you figure out where and why your marriage went wrong, so in the future you choose your partners and live in your relationships with a better understanding.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Once you sign those papers and get your own place, you will feel like your life is starting again. I was afraid of the same thing, and truly exH was too - that is why we've been separated for five years and just now getting permanent separate places. I love the guy and he loves me, but it is 'family' love now and not 'married' love. Time for us both to move on. I've got my own place, I'm dating, and here I am feeling like a teenager again. Or, at least a 20-something. I feel free, happy, and secure knowing that exH will always be a part of my life. That is the beauty of mutual divorce agreements.

 

As for what other people - friends and family - think? Well, are they living your life?

 

My guess is that when others see you spring a trap and get to live single again, they try to talk you back into it because misery sure loves company.

[impreza]

now for the big question: Do the both of you have a good support system to help you through this psychologically and emotionally?

 

Not really, I barely speak to my family, my oldest brother is being a good friend: he keeps in touch with me, tells me that he loves me, even though he strongly believes that divorce is not an option. I hate to see how my relationship with my family is affected by what's going on in my life, but they will have to accept it. I keep telling them that I don't want to cut them off, I just need less pressure from them right now.

[impreza]

IF you really have tried and this REALLY is a joint decision, then you have done everything you can. It's when one person doesn't say they are unhappy and walks away without giving the other a chance to try that's not right. I know this pain, my ex didn't even tell me he had problems with me and left without explanation, then would not come back and try and work things out.

 

If your situation is different and you have both exsusted every option, including MC, then that's a different case. One thing I would suggest is maybe some counselling, help you figure out where and why your marriage went wrong, so in the future you choose your partners and live in your relationships with a better understanding.

 

Yes, it is a joint desicion. He said that it would be better for us to do it now while we are young (we're both in our twenties) then fifteen years later, so we can move on with our lives.

 

The only thing we never had was counseling. I offered it to him many times, but he did not want anybody to teach him how to treat his wife (those are his exact words) I will definetely try to figure out what went wrong and will take some counseling if I have to just to make sure my next relationship doesn't fail.

[impreza]

My guess is that when others see you spring a trap and get to live single again, they try to talk you back into it because misery sure loves company.

 

That is exactly what it looks like to me!!

[impreza]

Thank you very much for taking your time to answer my questions, I really appreciate it! I am going to keep in touch with you cause I will need a lot of support. I have a feeling that my nightmare has just begun.

[LisaUk]

Yes, it is a joint desicion. He said that it would be better for us to do it now while we are young (we're both in our twenties) then fifteen years later, so we can move on with our lives.

 

The only thing we never had was counseling. I offered it to him many times, but he did not want anybody to teach him how to treat his wife (those are his exact words) I will definetely try to figure out what went wrong and will take some counseling if I have to just to make sure my next relationship doesn't fail.

 

 

Sounds like you have done all you could do and hopefully you and your ex can stay friends? Would be a shame to lose that as well?

 

I think the individual counselling is a fantastic idea, it will help you come to terms with what has happened and hopefully provide you with a better understanding of the gradual deteriation of your marriage. There are some on here that can recommend some good books for you as well, Tojaz thread mentions a couple I think.

 

Please do keep posting, we are all here for you.

[impreza]

Yes, we decided to remain friends, I hope he doesn't change his mind cause sometimes he gets very mean. Anyway, even with being friends we'll keep the distance - no phone calls, unless there is something important, no hanging out together, etc.

[LisaUk]

Yes, we decided to remain friends, I hope he doesn't change his mind cause sometimes he gets very mean. Anyway, even with being friends we'll keep the distance - no phone calls, unless there is something important, no hanging out together, etc.

 

Probaly best in the short term, once you have both moved on, then perhaps you can go out for dinner etc.

 

How are you feeling today?

[impreza]

I am feeling fine, thank you. I talked to a girl that does my hair and she was very supportive. She also went through a divorce and seems a lot happier than she used to be. My biggest consern is the financial side of my situation. I am looking for a second job to be able to be comfortable on my own and didn't get lucky so far. I work part time and I am a full time student and it seems like I might want to quit school for a while. This would suck cause I only got 5 months left till graduation.

 

P.S.We don't qualify for simplified divorce therefore I am hiring a lawyer.

[LisaUk]

I know how you feel, my ex left me 3 months ago, I had been a stay at home wife (he left 10 months before our wedding, we were together 18 years, so I felt married, if you see what I mean), for 7 years and now I have had to move back to my parents 200 miles away. I am having difficulty getting work too.

 

We had a legal seperation agreement done and he bought me out of our house, my lawyers bill was quite high, so I know that feeling as well. You got to protect your interests finacially though, so it is essential you have one.

 

I do hope you won't have to quit school. Not sure what it's like in the US, here in the UK, universitys are often able to help students in hardship with their fees and living costs, they have hardship funds through the student union. Have you tried contacting your student services office to see if there is any finacial help available to you?

[impreza]

Looks like I'm gonna give up school for a while, I am able to get full time at my job. I am only going to do it for a few months, save up some money and come back to finish my education. It might take less than I think.

[WARREN86]

My husband and i are filing for divorce. I was the first one to bring the subject up and he said that he felt the same way. The story is very common: we do not get along, there is no feelings left, tried to work on our relationship over and over again, nothing changed. We were married for three years, no children, so the break up is not complicated. But the problem is my family trying to talk me out of it. They don't believe in divorce, they tell me that it is wrong. They tell me that my life will be miserable, that my next relationship will never make me happy, according to what they are saying, I am a loser screwing up my life. Now I'd like to ask people who went through this: is that true? Is my life going to turn upside down once I sign divorce papers? Is my next relationship going to be "cursed" only because I did not keep the promice I gave my husband when we exchanged vows? I am asking this question because of all the stress and pressure my relatives are putting on me right now, I can't take it anymore! So, please, give me some support and help me to get through this. Thanks a lot!

 

it's being "old-fashioned". not a lot of folks back in the days believed in divorce including my parents despite that my dad beat the crap out of my mom.

[Scottdmw]

Hi,

 

It sounds like you are in a very difficult position, and my heart goes out to you.

 

I'm not sure that anyone can really tell you what will happen if you get a divorce. Some people end up happy. Some people end up very unhappy. I rather suspect that the ones that end up unhappy may not be publicly posting their unhappiness on forums like this, but I could be wrong. There has been at least one study that indicated that out of couples with problems, getting divorced was not correlated with being happier years later. It was more an issue of whether they solved their individual problems separate from getting divorced or not.

 

I would say that it is important to make sure that it's really the marriage itself that is the problem. Definitely some couples counseling would be great, but if that's not possible IC might also be a nice thing to try before you do anything too irrevocable.

 

I do think there is a risk with divorce that it makes it more difficult the next time around. There you are remembering that you once promised “for better or worse, till death do us part” and it didn't work out that way but here you are again saying the same thing. It's difficult not to ask yourself whether you really mean what you're saying. Also, many people you might potentially want to date will judge you for being divorced, I'm not saying it's right but it is a fact of life. I know at least one woman who got divorced in her 20s and is now in her 40s having never found another person. It is a risk you take. It is always an option to end a relationship, but only sometimes a choice to begin one.

 

From my own experience, I haven't been married but I was engaged and within one month of the wedding. We had some serious issues and my fiancee ended up calling it off. After that I basically decided that it would be easier to find someone else then work out our issues. Well, over two years later I still haven't found anyone else myself and I sometimes wish that I had tried harder to work things out. At the time it seemed like getting out was the easy solution, but that didn't last too long.

 

Best wishes, and I hope you find good answers to your questions.

 

Scott

[impreza]

it's being "old-fashioned". not a lot of folks back in the days believed in divorce including my parents despite that my dad beat the crap out of my mom.

 

I would say so too, according to what my Mom always tought me.

[impreza]

Hi,

 

It sounds like you are in a very difficult position, and my heart goes out to you.

 

I'm not sure that anyone can really tell you what will happen if you get a divorce. Some people end up happy. Some people end up very unhappy. I rather suspect that the ones that end up unhappy may not be publicly posting their unhappiness on forums like this, but I could be wrong. There has been at least one study that indicated that out of couples with problems, getting divorced was not correlated with being happier years later. It was more an issue of whether they solved their individual problems separate from getting divorced or not.

 

I would say that it is important to make sure that it's really the marriage itself that is the problem. Definitely some couples counseling would be great, but if that's not possible IC might also be a nice thing to try before you do anything too irrevocable.

 

I do think there is a risk with divorce that it makes it more difficult the next time around. There you are remembering that you once promised “for better or worse, till death do us part” and it didn't work out that way but here you are again saying the same thing. It's difficult not to ask yourself whether you really mean what you're saying. Also, many people you might potentially want to date will judge you for being divorced, I'm not saying it's right but it is a fact of life. I know at least one woman who got divorced in her 20s and is now in her 40s having never found another person. It is a risk you take. It is always an option to end a relationship, but only sometimes a choice to begin one.

 

From my own experience, I haven't been married but I was engaged and within one month of the wedding. We had some serious issues and my fiancee ended up calling it off. After that I basically decided that it would be easier to find someone else then work out our issues. Well, over two years later I still haven't found anyone else myself and I sometimes wish that I had tried harder to work things out. At the time it seemed like getting out was the easy solution, but that didn't last too long.

 

Best wishes, and I hope you find good answers to your questions.

 

Scott

 

I know exactly what you are saying. This was one of the main reasons I tried to keep my marriage. I did not want to bounce from one guy to another trying to find a "perfect" one, I wanted to stay in relationship for as long as possible. That's why I am so scared right now. I am getting out of my marriage with lack of confidence, low self esteem and a bunch of other personal issues. But I feel like trying again and doing whatever it takes for relationship to work out but with a different guy. Me and my husband got married too fast, without getting to know each other first. In less than two month after the wedding we realized that we are not compatible at all, have no common interests and our world views are totally opposite from each other's. So, when I get involved with somebody else, I'll make sure first that we have same values and share same interests. I would rather do that then stay with my husband and have both of us suffer. And I also will do some counseling to see what mistakes were made and just to gain some confidence, because I am so afraid that the next guy I date will not be interested in spending time with me, just like my husband wasn't. On the other hand, I am excited, it feels like opening a brand new notebook and writing a brand new story. I am a strong woman, I can do it!!