NuReality Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 I've never really used advice forums before, but I needed advice from people that I don't know. I've been married to my wife for 6 and a half months, she is my dream. I love her more than anything in this world. Before we were married, and while we were dating. She was drunk one night, and slept with someone. The next morning, she called me and told me the whole thing. There weren't any secrets, she answered every question I asked her, and was there every step of the way while I was going through the pain of what she had done. It hurt like hell, and til this day it still hurts. But I do love her and I forgave her, so we went and got married. She hasn't ever been dishonest with me since that episode, but I think I mostly blocked what she did out of my head. Thinking about it, I haven't forgiven her. I haven't gotten over what she did, I just blocked it out of my mind for the last few months. I think about it, and I am in pain all over again. She asked me if I wanted her to just give me space to think things through and try to work it out in my mind, is this the best thing to do? She said she'd leave for awhile and give me the space that I needed, I am just not sure if space is the best thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Purrrfection8 Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 Hi there, I just don't know about this one... I have had nightmares only where I have cheated on someone I loved and cared deeply for. Just the pain in that dream alone would stop me from ever ever venturing to the act in reality. I could not do it, I hope to neva do it... Unfortunately, I've read too often that alcohol does not 'make' us do acts we later regret, it only encourages us to loosen our inhibitions... I know we're all human and make great mistakes, but I also believe mistakes aren't something we just make... I feel everything in life happens for a reason, even our mistakes... We know too damn well what we're doing ALL the time... It is fantastic and honorable that ur wife has been honest, open and ready to assist with ur reaction to her deed. I can only relate it to myself and wonder did she cry? Was she devastated by her low act? Is she torturing herself over it? I couldn't tell in ur post... I feel that u cannot overlook this challenge foreva.. U will eventually need to face it.. But I do not know u and cannot advise what would b best for u on dealing with it.. I can only think that when ur ready to think it and feel it through wholeheartedly u will b ready... Until then don't push, b gentle to urself and take it day by day to let it sink in... I hope ur ok, my heart goes out to u on this situation. Purrrfection8 Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 I've read too often that alcohol does not 'make' us do acts we later regret, it only encourages us to loosen our inhibitions.. That is absolute bull. It might be partly the case when you're talking about a drink or two, but alcohol messes up judgement BADLY, which is why it's dumb to get drunk. People find themselves doing things drunk they never would do sober because their judgement is shot. You need to forgive your wife. She made a stupid mistake, yes. She's sorry for it and that should be good enough for you. I hope she's planning to never get that drunk again - that's what you should worry about. If you find you are stuck on this and can't get over it, go to a marriage counsellor and get help. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 Wow, tough spot to be in. While you may never be able to ‘forget,’ you'll have to work towards ‘forgiveness’ if the two of you are to survive this. You obviously loved her enough to go through with the marriage, so there must be something about your relationship worth saving. Honesty is key here, and both of you must remain absolutely transparent from this day forward. No more secretes between you. But it will be difficult to encourage your partner to remain open with you if she is continually punished for doing so. Somehow, you'll have to let go of it--if not in your heart, at least in your head. You can't continue to badger or ask the same questions over and over again. It seems she has shown remorse, and you agreed to accept her apology. Given that, it wouldn't be fair to continue punishing her even though you still have not found resolution for yourself. Since you made the decision to take her back in spite of what you've learned, you'll have to allow her to start over with a clean slate and prove to you (without intimidation) that she can be trusted again. If she should ever breech that trust again, then you'll have all the answers you need. However, if you continue to act out your insecurities, it will shut her down and your relationship is doomed. It's going to require a lot of work...particular for you. Confessing has freed her somewhat from the burden of carrying the secret. I imagine it must feel like a thousand pounds has been lifted from her shoulders. But now you must work to free yourself from the pain of learning the truth. I wish all the best to both of you... Link to post Share on other sites
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