I can't do what I know I should (very long, sorry...)

[Sick at heart]

I've posted here before trying to help others when I can't even really help myself. I feel like I need to put this out here if only to get it out of my own brain. I'm sitting here this morning depressed and sad and can't seem to do what I believe I should. What has, at last, become too apparent to put off anymore.

 

I've been married for almost 19 years, I'm 47 years old, my husband is 51, we have no children (which is really okay with us, so that's not a problem here)and I feel like my life is slipping away from me and I lack the strength to hold onto it or change it. My husband is a caring man, considerate and, in many respects, is a man many women may think is an ideal person to be married to. He's a professional, self-employed man and, together, we have created a life of material comfort. He will do anything for me or someone he cares for and says he loves me more than life itself.

 

The problem is the same one that we have had all along - no intimacy, no sex, nothing even close to a sexual relationship. When we met and married, we had sporadic relations before getting married, sex which became more and more sporadic over time. We've actually gone 7 years without any intimacy at all at one point and the last time we had anything close to sex was 9 months ago. I've been through the whole gamut of feelings about this from sadness to resentment, to believing I could live without it, to pleading, throwing myself at him, you name it.

 

I am now, finally and irrevocably, at the point where even if he did change somehow, that I would rebuff him because I am simply too full of anger, depression and sadness to even think of him touching me. In fact, I am disgusted by the idea. We have talked, argued, cried, yelled so many times over the years and each time, I feel that that time will the one - the one that will make him see that we cannot live like this anymore and he leads me to believe that he will change. He acknowledges that he has a problem but he won't or can't identify what it is. He seems to think that I will sit here and wait forever and, like an idiot, I have been. He seems to think that because he says he loves me that fixes everything. I tell myself that I shouldn't throw away 19 years together.

 

We talk or argue about it, he cries and tell me he will change, get help, whatever and then continues on like we never talked about it. He goes to work, I go to work, he comes home and acts like everything is just hunky dorey. EVERY TIME for years, this has been the pattern.

 

I am scared at my age to leave the security and material comforts of a marriage that has died on the vine - all the wrong reasons for staying. My heart has hardened to the point where nothing he could do at this point would change the way I feel and yet I can't bring myself to leave. I begged him many times for us to get counseling and he wouldn't. He went once, a year ago, for himself because he said then "I have issues", but he never returned. Whatever his issues were I never knew. I've even asked him flat out if he was gay - he denied he was and I don't believe he is unless he's some kind of latent homosexual who has never acted on it. I asked him that because I honestly felt that even he if he said he was I could accept that - it would at least be a reason for why he has no interest in sex and never really has since the beginning of our marriage.

 

Our lives are so intertwined in all the ways that don't really matter - I do the books for his office and I operate my own small business out of our home. He couldn't pay a bill on his own if it jumped up and bit him. I've always been the one to do all that, take care that his extended family and mine are taken care of and remembered and all those things that 19 years of marriage entail.

 

We just built and moved into a new house four months ago when we shouldn't have but we proceeded along like it was just the right thing to do until it was too late to back out of it when we should have. I resent that, after working for 31 years of my 47 years I would lose everything I have worked for by walking away (I know, so would he). I don't want the material comforts to be the reason I stay and I know it is. I am afraid to go it alone because, financially, I wouldn't be able to. I don't want to go back to feeling like I did at 25, broke and barely making it. Money doesn't buy love, I know that, but it does make life a little more bearable and I've worked damn hard all my life. We both have.

 

I don't know if I'm caught up in the surgence of sexual feelings that women my age get in sometimes. I always thought it was a cruel joke that men reach their sexual peaks young while for women it may not hit until their 30s or 40s but I also always believed that in a truely loving and sexual relationship that you can beat the odds. I just can't do it alone. Sometimes I feel like if someone, anyone could just hold me, make love to me and make me feel like a woman again, I would survive. But the one person that should won't. I know that I have probably scared my husband and he is now afraid to get near me. I know that our fighting over this for so very long has probably put him in an impossible spot - he knows I don't want him near me and in fact, we've been sleeping in separate beds for almost a year - we moved into our new home and he made up the spare for himself, no questions asked. So how can he help make things better when I've reached the point where nothing he could do would work because I've lost all interest in him? On the other hand, I also feel like an idiot, sex isn't everything and I should just get over it.

 

I used to console myself by telling myself that he is my best friend and being married to your best friend can't be all bad but now I feel that a best friend would treat me better. A best friend would try to help one they love who is in trouble. Unfortunately, my "best friend" is the trouble so I now feel that even my best friend is stabbing me in the back.

 

I've kept myself in shape and people tell me I'm an attractive women who looks 15 years younger than I am. Many times, guys will tell me "boy, if you weren't married..." It makes me feel good as any compliment does but has never been anything I ever took seriously. I'm not so naive or stupid that I would jump into bed with just anyone even if I were single but, God, it would feel good to just have someone make love to me again.

 

My husband and made two vows to each other in addition to our wedding vows - that we would never lie to each other and that if the time ever came when one or the other was attracted to someone else, we would tell each other. Our last talk three weeks ago was probably one of the most open and candid ones we've ever had. I even went so far as to plainly tell him that we were headed for disaster - that things were as bad as they could be and that we were getting dangerously close to the point where I would be coming to him to tell him that, yes, I am attracted to someone else, and I am. He just sat there and said "I know". Not meaning that he knew I was attracted to someone else but that he knew that things were bad, bad, bad.

 

But I meant my wedding vows and I want to be strong enough to stand by them but at what point do I look in the mirror and say this IS over and walk away? An attraction to someone else shouldn't be the cause of our marriage breaking up and I know that many marriages don't survive because of things like this. I would give anything to be able to find all that I am looking for in the person that I have spent the last 19 years with but I simply can't - I've lost what faith I had that things would work out - that at some point the light would go off in his head but now I don't even care or want it to because nobody's home anymore in my heart. I am very confused, scared and mostly heartbroken because I know what I don't want to - I am going to leave and will have to face whatever life wants to throw at me. I have to grow up and smell the coffee, face the facts, get a grip, whatever it takes but I don't know how to do it without feeling that my life from now on will be a struggle, as it was 20 years ago, one I don't know if I am capable of handling. Aren't things supposed to get better, not worse, the older you get?

 

I know I'm sitting here stewing in my own misery and I just don't know how to stop. I would like to seek some counseling on my own but I don't know how to find someone reputable and trustworthy. I also know that if I did go to counseling it would be to get help to help me leave and to have someone tell me I can do it and will survive. Thanks for reading this, if anyone does. I just had to get it out. I don't really feel any better, I just feel like a weak, selfish person.

[Tony T]

It is not unrealistic to expect a sexual relationship in the context on your marriage.

 

You husband's disinterest in sex could be for a multitude of reasons, from the effects of medications he may be taking, the long term effects of having been raised in a dysfunctional environment, an addiction to masturbation that you may not know about, and on and on.

 

Having discussions and giving him ultimatums at this point serve no usedful purpose. The both of you going to counselling would be usedless as well, since you have stated you would not be accepting of his sexual overtures at this point.

 

You have painted a very sad picture of your life here so you just need to change it.

 

You don't need any help from anybody to see an attorney. Ask him what your rights are in the marriage and in a divorce. See if you can work it out so your life is not so adversely affected by a divorse. Get the hell out of your situation while you are able to interest other men.

 

You have simply spent too much time in this situation and every day you put off your happiness is a day you become further embedded in the financial and other trappings of your unhappy marriage.

 

See a counsellor, see an attorney and call a moving van...for your ex husband.

 

You might also see a doctor about putting you on some anti-depressent to help you temporarily if he feels that would help. You sound very, very down.

[Wish I Were You]

I carefully read your post. I married at the age of 38 to a wonderful, man ... so thoughtful, caring, attectionate and just plain wonderful. At first, sex was great ... but then began to dwindle to nothing.

 

We spoke of the problem lovingly and he admitted he had issues ... he just refused to discuss them. We tried therapy together and were given several "intimacy excercises" like taking turns performing on the other that which he/she it comforatable and not go any further. Well, we we always comforatble, hugging, kissing, holding hands, all kinds of body contact .... just as long as it did NOT lead of to him feeling sex was to be the next step.

 

When he saw the therapist on his own (I wanted to give him the opportunity do discuss these issues with me never needing to know what was said .... hell, I just wanted results!) Turned out that all he would do is discuss his concern for me and NEVER addressed any of his "sexual issues" with the therapist. Why waste money? We stopped going.

 

I know that, had my marriage continued, I would have come to the same point as yourself ... so angry and frustrated that I would no longer even desire him coming on to me. At one poiint, after a full year of having had no sex with him, I told him that if he did not have sex with me soon, I swear I would divorse him ..... we had sex ... it was great ... then the drought began again! I knew that no amount of arguing or threats would bring back our sex life, expecially since he is such sensitive person that takes fighting deeply to heart and finds it impossible to argue ... he gets so upset, he has to leave the room.

 

So, I decided that my "companionship" and "sexless love" I had with and for him was enough for me. Well, one day, while cleaning house, I found a wicker sewing basket (not mine) and decided to open it up. I found a dildo, condoms and lubication in it. I became so overwhelmed with all the possiblities this could mean that I ended up with my brother taking me to the emergency room on the verge of a breakdown that very day.

 

Later (very soon) I related this incident to my therapist telling him I felt my husband was gay. The therapist said it may be more likely that my husand was into "doing himself" and that the condoms were for cleanliness to the dildo ... you know ... not as much mess to clean up. Well, this pissed me off! With my hubands work and home schedule, I felt certain he had no other lover (delinately NOT a female one) and if he wanted to get off on himself more that with me then ..... DAMN!

 

I became increasingly depressed, angry and suidical going so far as to end up in the emergency room a couple times after sincere attempts. Would you call this a healthy relationship for either of us? Hell no!

 

I was completely financially independant when we first married having worked in my field for over 20 years and having gained clout and a damned good paycheck. Over the many months of marriage, I finally began to break down emotionally due to the "lack of sex issue" and a couple more issues with him. I became replacable at my current work place where I served with devotion and worked like a dog for 10 years. My problems were affecting my work and relations with my co-workers so that my boss (who I had had an 8 yr. long affair with before I got married by the way) souped up some excuse to make it too difficult for me to stay. I lost my job!

 

I tried, one at a time, holding down several other jobs .... none of them lasting more than 3 months and none that paid enough for finacial independence. (By the way, I am still married and living with my darling husband all this time.)

 

The problem that was far worse for me than the sexless life was his drinking. No hard liquer. No drinking on the job. Just beers when he got home .... every night the same routine: He would get home, we would greet and hug and kiss, he would go upstairs to his office to chill out from the day by drinking his beer and watching the news or reading the paper (door was open, I could go in if I wanted). He was always amazed that I could tell exactly how many beers he had had! It was easy. He would forget having said or asked or being told something. The final stages were when he could not pronounce my name and finally, when standing still ... well he couldn't! He looked like an unsturdy tree in a light breeze, blowing too and fro. Not attractive.

 

He did not have to drink much as has the alcoholic gene (both dad and one sister died of complications of alcohol and both brothers certifiably alcoholic). We had no communication regarding house issues, business, personal ... nothing ... not once he got home and had a couple beers as he would recall NOTHING that would be discussed after that point.

 

Well, it was this issue more than the no sex issue that ruined our marriage (in my humble opinion). However, had that issue not existed and only the non-sex issued existed ... I would most surely have either ended the marriage still or had an affair.

 

Finally one day, he was his usual drunk self and I finally called the police on him! No, there was no violence, but I had told him several times in the past to get the hell out, stay gone ... and he kept coming back and I took him back like an idiot.

 

This time was different! The law was involved and he was not allowed to come home. He stayed at his alcohoic brother's house (whose wife is also alcoholic so things must have been just dandy).

 

Eventually, he got an apartment about 15 minutes away which is where he still lives. We are best of friends but both realize we cannot live together. He is still oblivious to his contribution to the failed marriage and blames it on my "emotional instability" which was never there until we married and had non-sex and alcohol issues. This is fine with me. It took me a couple years to heal from the damage done by my marriage to him ... the emotional dammage that is.

 

I am now (for the last 2 years) on disablity due to various problem ... most emotional for which I see a neurologist and take corrective medication. I am very lucky to own my own home free and clear. However, it is impossible for me to survive on what disablity pays me (I also have Medicare for free for health insurance, but medicaid was takin away ... that was a huge hardship as the 'Caid paid for all my very expensive medications that I require.

 

The divorse was final in 2 years ago (I was 44) and, as I said, he is a wonderful guy and best friend to me ... going to far to help me financially at times (when he is able) even though he is not obligated to in any way. I never asked for alimony. (hits myself on head "stupid! stupid! stupid!")

 

I am 46 now, very glad that I am divorsed, still care for my ex as a friend and wish for his happiness ... but am poverty stricken and deep in debt. I feel that, if I had the desire to date, I would have no problem doing so and even finding the "right guy" again and re-marrying.

 

You are in a far better position than I am as far as receiving alimony and properties due to you in a settlement. And I can assure you, you are most likely far prettier, in far better physical shape and most DEFINATELY in better emotional health than I am as far as being attacted to another man with very little trouble.

 

I see it all the time, women of all ages ... 45, 50, 55, 60, and on up ... finding another relationship at then end of their marriage, becomming happy once again and feeling fullfilled.

 

I know you have heard this before, but you only live ONE TIME!!! My question is this: How much longer do you want to live in your present situation? You have so many choices that others do not and are in far better age, looks, physical and emotional health to deal with a divorse and find someone who is sexual, loving and deserving of all that you have to offer.

 

Well, I guess I have said enough ... I HOPE TO GOD that I have said enough.

 

Please consider all I have shared with you and know how fortunate you are to have the choices you do regarding divorse, livelihood and finding love once again.

 

God Bless

[Sick at Heart]

My heart broke when I read your response to my post. Your situation makes mine seem much easier to deal with. Although I don't know yet and may never know what issues my husband may have sexually, he does not drink excessively at all and so far I've never found any evidence that he is gay or addicted to self-gratification. In my case, it appears that he just plain is not interested in having a sex life with me.

 

After I posted here yesterday, he and I had yet ANOTHER long talk after which I felt drained and pretty much hopeless that our marriage would survive. He always asks ME what HE should do and since I've reached the point where I'm trying very hard to hold my own self together, I told him he had to figure it out for himself - that I couldn't be his crutch anymore as I have always been. We married when I was 28 and he was 33 and to date I've never even met one women he EVER even dated so I have some confusing ideas about what he is all about to begin with. He has said he had "sex a few times" before he met me but who knows? He either has the lowest sex drive known to man or there is some underlying cause for his disinterest.

 

While, right now I have grave doubts about what my life will hold in the near future, I am trying to hang on to the hope that, either way, things will get better for both of us - either together or separately. I feel that after our talk last night that I have finally gotten through and he is going to get some help. He wanted me to assure him that I would still "be here" when he is done with his self-discovery process - something I could not do - but deep down I would give anything to have it work out where the two of us can solve this together and still remain together. Whether this is what will happen or not I don't know but I DO feel that, at long last, I have gotten through to him. It took my flatly saying I won't take it anymore the way it is. I also told him that even if we don't survive as a couple that at least he would know what his problem is and that has to be a benefit to him and to anyone else he may meet later if we aren't able to stay together.

 

I feel that he does truly love me but I've always questioned how, especially in a marriage, you can love someone when that love doesn't include the physical intimacy that can make the day seem a little better and brighter.

 

He, too, is a kind, considerate and caring man. He just has always dealt with problems by not dealing with him and I have finally issued an ultimatum I never wanted to - get it together, find out what the problem is or I'm gone. I have to stick to this to save myself as we DO only live once and I'm not getting any younger. It breaks my heart even more to "inflict" this pain on him because I do know he is hurting also and I don't believe that his behaviour throughout our marriage is intentional or meant to cause me pain and heartache. Perhaps that is why I have continued to hope that things will work out and have not been able to walk away.

 

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and have things be SO much better for you. You have more on your plate than anyone should be expected to deal with and I hope that you are able to continue on and somehow find that life is getting much better for you. I thank you very much for your insight and taking the time to respond to me. THINGS WILL GET BETTER FOR YOU.

[Wish I were you To: Sick At Heart]

Thank you so much for your concern for me when you are obviously going through so very much yourself and for so many years.

 

This was not my first marriage and I had NEVER had sex issues nor alcohol issues before in relationships and my previous marriage.

 

I see from what you have written that you have "owned" your reponsiblity to you and your husband regarding your problem and it is his job to "own" his reponsiblity. You are so right that the talking never seems to get you anywhere and I am so glad to see that you realize you only go around once and are not getting any younger.

 

I, myself, even though in debt and dealing with mediacally controlled probelms (which probably never would have reared their ugly head had it not been for my association with my ex) I am living in poverty for now ... but it won't be forever! I still have all my valuable skills and will be back in the work force, even if I have to start at the bottom again as far as pay. I feel confident that my life will continue to improved and am happy for my ex and his new life and activities ... and that we can remain on a very friendly basis. I don't know, should you divorse, how healty it would be for you to remain "great friends" with your ex as it does hinder one's motivation to move on with one's on personal life. It has with me ... but I am getting my stuff together. It just takes more time for some than others.

 

Again, you are YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, GREAT PHYSICAL CONDITION and most of all HEALTHY!!!! You sound so very together and that you do not have unreasonable expectations.

 

You will do well should you divorse! Trust me! Should you stay, you must continue to own up to your responsiblity for having made that choice. I hope and pray the choice you make will be the one that benefits YOU the most!

 

Take care, God Bless and my hopes and prayers are with you