annebonney Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 To start with, my husband and I have been married since February. We have had sex a total of five times, the last time in March. Out of the five times, four of them were before we were married. No sex until March and then none after that, needless to say it was a very uneventful honeymoon. He had never had sex before me, but I have with one of my old boyfriends about six years ago, which he knows about. I have read others posts about him being sexually molested but it's the opposite with us. I was the one who was molested by my brother when I was little. I have major depression because of that and my first expirience with the previous boyfriend. There is no other woman or man for either of us, he doesn't like porn, his mother is lesbian but he is not homosexual at all (he hates it when his best guy friend pretends to make a grab for him), He doesn't like it when I try to kiss him more then just a peck. When we are getting ready for bed he grabs my arm and wraps it around himself so his back is against my chest but he doesn't want my hand to move from his chest. The only time he touches me is when he tickles me or he grabs my breasts to try to be silly. When he gets out of the shower he will flash me just to tease me and then he will immediatley get dressed. He turns me on and then leaves me alone. He will usually go back to his computer games. I have made myself not want him before but when he noticed that I wasn't making any advances on him he would redouble his efforts to get me wanting him and then he would stop when I finally did. I have told him how much it hurts me and how it makes me feel like a piece of meat but then he says stuff like "sex isn't the only way to show you that I love you" and "is sex the most importanat thing to you?" When he was about to leave for basic training, a friend of his told him he could volunteer to go to Korea but he said that he doesn't think we will be ready to be seperated for longer when he comes home from training. I don't belive him. He always brags to his friend about how good our sex life is but chastises me when I tell the truth. On our way to drop him off at his recruiters to go to basic he kept trying to grope me but I kept pushing his hand away and telling him that he had his chance and it was too late now to which he would just say sorry, and then he would try again. He comes back in October but that means little to me except I will be able to hold his hand again. This is making me so depressed! I feel like there is something wrong with me. I don't know what else to do. I know that sex isn't the only way to show love but it would be nice to have that physical aspect to go along with words, because that's all our marriage is starting to mean to me, just words. I desperatly need some advice. I can't talk to my mom, he doesn't want me to tell her anything like that, so I have to go behind his back on the internet to get help. I feel so bad but I really don't know what else I can do. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 He has some kind of serious issue. You love each other so the time has come for it to be addressed openly and honestly. Tell him yes, sex is very important to you. Tell him yes, it is an important part of marriage and intimacy to you. Ask him what the problem is and dont let him Tell you there is not one. If he doesnt know what the problem is tell him this is something you need to find out together. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I don't see the problem being with you. I see it being with him. Maybe it stems from the mother figure in his life being devoid of male/female sexuality and he has subconsciously mapped that onto you? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Does he have religious beliefs that ban contraception? Does he want children but just not right now? Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Kids raised by homosexuals really are normal, right down to the bizarre hangups. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Could he have unknown resentment against you for having sex before him with your past BF? Does he know who the BF is? If he does and the BF knows who he is, your previous BF may have informed him what he did or how he made you react, I'm serious, some men are real dogs when it comes down to women, they talk big time! Like I said BF may have said something to your hubby, enough to make him reel inside. But, I doubt this is it at all, I'm just stating possibilties. He could just feel insecure about his sexual status in not having sex with anyone else before you. Either way, your husband needs some therepy or counseling or something! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Get into therapy now and don't be afraid to be honest. I dealt with something similar when I first got married. Find out what the hang up for him is. Maybe its that he is afraid of what marriage actually means for him. Maybe he's realizing that he might not be all that great in the sack and is avoiding doing it for fear of disappointing you. My H just flat out took me for granted figuring that marriage was forever and that I would just "be there" somehow. This created much physical and emotional distance in our relationship. Let him know that the longer he pushes you off, you might get used to it and not be interested when he realizes he has a warm body next to him that used to want to have sex. Let him know that the longer he pushes you away, the less opportunity he is taking for actually learning how to get better if his fear is one of performance. There is nothing wrong with you. Even down to the abuse situation. I was abused by a relative too. Nothing is wrong with you and don't ever let him or anyone else attempt to make you feel that there is. Don't ever blame yourself for his hangups. Don't blame yourself for picking him as you couldn't control him or tell how things were going to turn out. But do consider some 'self-love' while you guys try to figure this out. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Does his plumbing work? Maybe he can't have erections, so he's pretending he doesn't want sex? Does he look at porn? Does he masturbate? What kind of porn does he watch? The problem lies within him, not you. He could be gay and in denial. He could have some sexual hang-ups that he hasn't told you about. He could have physical problems. It could be a lot of things, but it's all about him, not you. I'd recommend counseling, after a visit to a doctor for a physical if the problem is with his erections. But, he probably won't want to go to counseling. Which puts you in a position of deciding whether you want a sexless life or a divorce. Phrase it to him that way. See if that gets through enough for him to TRY to work on this with you. If he doesn't want to try, sorry, but I'd be out the door. A healthy sex life does matter. A LOT. Why did you marry him when your sex life sucked even before you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Does anyone else smell troll? Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I think the both of you are imcompatible sexually and until you either fix that aspect of your lives or seek counseling the marriage is doomed. But you said he was shipping off overseas? I expect you wait it out patiently until he gets back to seek further advice. The problem isn't you, but him. You have to confront him when he gets back. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Does anyone else smell troll? Nah, I cut him in half with my Lightsaber:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 whaaamp whaaaamp. Nice. Link to post Share on other sites
sw1911ct Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I know the old sayings like "you gotta test ride the car before the final purchase" are incredibly cliche but... A good sex life is very important to me in a relationship and I will definitely want to be sure my girl and I have that before I get married. It sounds like you never really did so why would getting married improve it? You've tried talking to him about it and he says dumb crap like "is sex the most important thing to you?" or "There are other ways to show I love you". Those are really poorly worded. No sex isn't the MOST important thing to you. Yes it is ON THE LIST of important things. YES there are many ways to show someone you love them and YES doing what you can to please them sexually (within a reasonable comfort level) is also a very good way! Go to counseling. If he doesn't want to insist that it is necessary to the success of your relationship (it will be eventually even if you're putting up with it for now) Link to post Share on other sites
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