Is This Considered Cheating?

[rjmars]

Okay, I'm a recent high school graduate who's going to college in the fall. I'm young, I know that. But I've been in this relationship for over a year and a half, and while things have been really rocky at times, I still love him.

The problem is that, almost right after graduation, my boyfriend went back to Europe to visit his family for the summer. It's hard to talk to him on the phone because it's so expensive, and even though we send each other messages fairly often, it doesn't feel the same. Also, we're going to different colleges in the fall. His is only about an hour away from mine, but he won't have a vehicle, and it'll be completely up to me to make visits. Also, I know that I'll be too busy to visit him every weekend.

And, I feel guilty about this, but I started talking to another guy. It's totally innocent right now, except for the way I feel. He's really smart and attractive, like my boyfriend, but he's incredibly charming and polite, and has a strong set of morals (unlike my boyfriend). He knows about my relationship, and appears to respect it. But, we've started talking a lot, especially late at night. We had lunch and saw a movie, and recently, he was in town so he came to my house to help me with an article I was writing (and he stayed for four hours - we talked and watched the USA/Brazil soccer game). I feel really comfortable around him, and we always have a lot of fun.

I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but how bad is it that I'm having this crush? Is it only because my boyfriend isn't around, or does this mean that I should reevaluate my relationship? I mean, we fight a lot, and recently my boyfriend has started to be really controlling (telling me I can't hang out with my friends, criticizing me, etc.). I'm thinking maybe I'm intrigued with this guy because I've been dating a "bad boy" and I want a good one. But at the same time, I care about my boyfriend, and would probably regret it if we broke up. HELP!

[whimsical_memory]

Okay, I'm a recent high school graduate who's going to college in the fall. I'm young, I know that. But I've been in this relationship for over a year and a half, and while things have been really rocky at times, I still love him.

The problem is that, almost right after graduation, my boyfriend went back to Europe to visit his family for the summer. It's hard to talk to him on the phone because it's so expensive, and even though we send each other messages fairly often, it doesn't feel the same. Also, we're going to different colleges in the fall. His is only about an hour away from mine, but he won't have a vehicle, and it'll be completely up to me to make visits. Also, I know that I'll be too busy to visit him every weekend.

And, I feel guilty about this, but I started talking to another guy. It's totally innocent right now, except for the way I feel. He's really smart and attractive, like my boyfriend, but he's incredibly charming and polite, and has a strong set of morals (unlike my boyfriend). He knows about my relationship, and appears to respect it. But, we've started talking a lot, especially late at night. We had lunch and saw a movie, and recently, he was in town so he came to my house to help me with an article I was writing (and he stayed for four hours - we talked and watched the USA/Brazil soccer game). I feel really comfortable around him, and we always have a lot of fun.

I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but how bad is it that I'm having this crush? Is it only because my boyfriend isn't around, or does this mean that I should reevaluate my relationship? I mean, we fight a lot, and recently my boyfriend has started to be really controlling (telling me I can't hang out with my friends, criticizing me, etc.). I'm thinking maybe I'm intrigued with this guy because I've been dating a "bad boy" and I want a good one. But at the same time, I care about my boyfriend, and would probably regret it if we broke up. HELP!

 

 

Oh honey. The relationship is already over, you just do not know it yet. First, you already know that you'll be to busy to see your boyfriend a lot. And next you say that your attraction is completely innocent "except for the way I feel"; if you have any sort of feelings for someone other than your boyfriend - it is not innocent. You say you would not cheat on your boyfriend, but sweetie, you have already set into motion actions that you may not be able to stop. It saddens me that you say that you would 'probably' regret breaking up with your boyfriend.

Now, you are still young. You have many years ahead of you to settle down, but if you feel that you might be tempted by this other man, I am begging you to please just end the relationship. It would be better to have a little bit of heartache and know that you did the right thing, rather than continue on the path you are on and be labeled a cheater. Good Luck.

And I will say this, any man with a strong set of morals would not have late night phone conversations with you ("especially late at night").

[ai75]

Agreed, its already over. You have feelings for this new guy because there is something lacking in your current relationship (you addressed a few of them). Yes, you are young... 18, 19? I'm not sure "regret" is the right way to describe potentially leaving your current BF. You will be sad that you are no longer together, but you'll get over it pretty quickly. I stayed with my HS GF for the first two years of college. No regrets, but you will grow up a LOT over the next 4 years and so will he. You'll make new friends, find new interests and who knows where you'll end up after graduation? At your age you are only beginning the journey to finding yourself. I'm 27 and turning a new corner in my journey...

 

My best advice would be to leave your current BF - not polite or charming, different morals than you, critical, possessive, yada yada. Think about it for a minute? Then think about it some more. I know you love him, you've been together for the majority time that you've been mature enough to date. He ain't the one. And let me tell you something else... 99% chance this new cutie ain't the one either. Leave the old BF and explore this new guy. But, do not DO NOT spend your life bouncing from one BF to another. You will become dependent on male companionship and attention and it will not be good... you want to avoid that like the plague. Spend a good amount of your next few years being single. Date people that you find attractive and quality, figure out what you like and don't like about them, find your identity and cultivate what makes you YOU. You will learn what you stand for, what you want out of life, and develop as a woman.

[samspade]

Attraction isn't a choice, so you're not cheating by finding someone attractive. Acting on those feelings is different. If you are at a point where you are curious enough to consider dating this guy, I'd agree that your relationship is all but dead. Do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and break up so you can date someone else guilt-free.

[rjmars]

Hmm. Well, thank you so much, guys, even though it's not really easy to hear. /:

This is kind of a scary thing, so I think my current plan is to wait until my boyfriend gets back, wait a little while, and see where we're at. I would hate to leave him for another boy, but it seems that we already have problems. You're right, whimsical_memory: we won't see each other often in college. And ai75: I know he's not "the one"! But guys, I really think that if I'm willing, I can turn this around, and maybe be with him another year or so. I mean, the other boy is too respectful to make a move on me while I'm in a relationship, so it would be easy for me to just remain friends with him and try to forget about my "crush."

What do you think? Is it awful to stay with him, even though I don't see us, say, getting married?

I know a lot of this sounds crazy, and if I weren't the person involved, I'd probably know exactly what to do. But, we've been together so long! Your lives get so tangled up and intertwined that it's hard to imagine not being with them.

[samspade]

This is kind of a scary thing, so I think my current plan is to wait until my boyfriend gets back, wait a little while, and see where we're at. I would hate to leave him for another boy, but it seems that we already have problems.

 

Here's my take on this.

 

You're already considering dumping your BF, as well as showing signs of curiosity for another guy, which means your relationship with him has probably run its course. The fact that your interest has been piqued shows that you're not "into" your BF like you were. You probably remember a time when your current BF could do no wrong, and no other guy, no matter how attractive to you, would tempt you to leave his side. That's evidently not the case now, and while it's gallant of you to "wait and see," you are probably staving off the inevitable. I sense you're also feeling some remorse; nobody enjoys dumping someone they still like and respect, and it can feel treacherous to do it in favor of testing out a new guy.

 

Look at it this way....you're not leaving him for "another guy." That's what cheaters do when they've already sampled the buffet. You're leaving him to be single, so you can dip your toes in new waters without the guilt and anguish that comes with betraying someone you love. Think about where your feelings are for your current BF, and if they're diminished significantly, think about whether it's fair to him to put off a break up. After all, maybe he's met someone in Europe and is thinking the same thing.

[tanbark813]

Ask your bf if he thinks it's cheating.

[Unguardiant]

Hi,

 

I am in an almost identical situation. I am a recent high school graduate, been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half, and am having similar questions. I agree with basically everything you have said, and while I don't have any words of wisdom to offer per-ce (I was coming on here to ask almost the same question, with some variations) I just wanted to let you know that someone else is going through the same thing, almost at the same time. I would like to speak to you more, it seems we might have somethings in common.

[rjmars]

Yes, let's! How shall I contact you? I'm new to this whole LS thing!

[burningashes]

Do your boyfriend a favor and put yourself in his shoes, ask yourself that. Think about how you would feel if your boyfriend was in your situation and decided to "wait and see" with you. That's leading someone on, no? I'll bet you would be very upset. You are already trying to justify a relationship with the new guy, whereas if he was really JUST a friend, you wouldn't be giving this second thoughts. Plus, if you're into your boyfriend, you wouldn't be questioning this and asking yourself, what if?

 

You need to be honest with yourself. If you don't see yourself getting married to him, move on. He deserves to be with someone who sees a future with him, who is sure with him at this point. You deserve to be able to do what you want guilt free and be happy!

[Spectre]

You're obviously not into him..how can you sit here and say "oh when he gets back we'll just wait and see" while you're off talking to some other dude late into the night and stuff? Also yes, I'm sure the guy you're into has a strong set of morals, at least, I'm sure you think that. The bottom line is..if that were true? He wouldn't even be in your life. He'd recognize that what you're both doing is wrong, even if it isn't exactly cheating.

 

Also you keep bringing up the fact you're young and about to start college. Don't fall for the cliche that you need to hook up with at least some random people in college or else you aren't "living life" as so many people wrongly equate the amount of partners they've had to how awesome their life has been. If you find love at an early age, don't let it go. Obviously you haven't found love with your current bf tho, so do him a favor and dump him.

 

I mean, you had this guy over at your house for 4 hours. You didn't mention any other friends, so I have to assume it was just you two, that right there makes you a bad gf. Yet you still actually think this guy respects your relationship and respects you? No offense, but it sounds like he's trying to get you to break up with your bf just so he can hook up with you..and it also sounds like you're more than happy to go along with this to see how it plays out.

[rjmars]

Ahhh! Okay okay okay. Calm down, everyone!

Today, I talked to him, and we argued for three hours (more like... he yelled at me for three hours... which, okay, maybe I deserved). He broke up with me at first, but then said towards the end of the conversation that he MIGHT be able to forgive me, if I promised not to ever hang out with the other guy again (gotta love those ultimatums). Anyway, I was really upset, but at that point, I just laid it out there - we had been having problems, I didn't think it would be any easier in college, I thought we should just call it quits.

He had to go (it was 1 AM there), but we planned to talk the next day. Tomorrow. And... okay. I know that what I did was really wrong, and it's not hard to pin me as the "bad guy," but he's been really abusive to me in the past, and our relationship isn't healthy by any standards. And I think I'm finally ready to let it go.

Also - I don't know if I'll ever date the "other guy." But I'm not sure if I regret spending time with him either. Because he made me realize that there are people out there who can be nice and normal and polite. And I want to meet more people like that! I'm tired of feeling guilty about being happy.

Yeah, anyway... thought I'd update!

 

(Oh, and I'm really not heartless, you guys... I've just been making excuses for this guy for 19 months. Plus, I figuratively cried my eyeballs out today!)

[Bejita463]

He broke up with me at first, but then said towards the end of the conversation that he MIGHT be able to forgive me, if I promised not to ever hang out with the other guy again (gotta love those ultimatums).

 

Ultimatum or not, it is a fair demand. You could have been trying to work things out with him, and instead were swooning over another dude. That might not be cheating (it is arguable it is though) but it is betrayal.

 

You could do anything with this guy, and could probably work it so your BF would never know. It takes a lot of trust to put faith in that you won't see the guy again when he has already had his trust violated and has no way of really knowing it won't happen again.

 

You did right by facing your mistake and discussing it with him though, a fact he might not appreciate right now, but he will eventually.

 

Anyway, I was really upset, but at that point, I just laid it out there - we had been having problems, I didn't think it would be any easier in college, I thought we should just call it quits.

 

What very likely had him so upset is that this conversation should have occurred before you started considering dating other dudes. It seems more innocent to you because you know what happened, all he gets to know is second-hand information. How does he know something is not being left out?

 

He had to go (it was 1 AM there), but we planned to talk the next day. Tomorrow. And... okay. I know that what I did was really wrong, and it's not hard to pin me as the "bad guy," but he's been really abusive to me in the past, and our relationship isn't healthy by any standards. And I think I'm finally ready to let it go.

 

If he was abusive, that doesn't really make a huge difference in the current situation. One poor behavior does not excuse another. Depending on what you mean by 'abuse' though, the relationship ending may have been overdue.

 

Also - I don't know if I'll ever date the "other guy." But I'm not sure if I regret spending time with him either. Because he made me realize that there are people out there who can be nice and normal and polite. And I want to meet more people like that! I'm tired of feeling guilty about being happy.

 

Understandable, but it is still an approach that it would be better not to get into the habit of.

 

(Oh, and I'm really not heartless, you guys... I've just been making excuses for this guy for 19 months. Plus, I figuratively cried my eyeballs out today!)

 

Still doesn't excuse getting emotionally attached to someone who is not your significant other. That's not how problems are going to get addressed; it is how they are going to get compounded. Also, he is probably doing whatever his equivalent of crying his eyeballs out as well.

 

 

 

This is in large part playing DA, since I don't know both sides of the story. Part of it however, is me speaking from the perspective of the guy on the other end of the table. I know how it feels, it sucks, and I see no reason to sugarcoat it.

[mark982]

the solution is either stay with your bf,or dump him. you're way to young to be tied down,especially summer before college. should be out having fun. but either way don't play games,either you're with him,or you're not.

[rjmars]

Oh my gosh, I'm the silliest girl on the planet.

Don't ever leave your boyfriend for some hot Russian who opens doors for you.

Okay - I broke up with my boyfriend, right? And I've been quasi-dating the nice Russian boy (my boyfriend - EX-boyfriend - has no clue). Except that this guy's TOO nice - he pays for all of my meals, pulls out chairs, opens doors, tells me how awesome I am.... and it's just kind of annoying, now. Plus, now that I've kissed the Russian, I realize that the chemistry just isn't there. Blast!!

You don't have to tell me all the things you're thinking. I know, trust me. I cannot believe I got myself into a situation like this. Why would I move so quickly into something new, when I haven't had time to get over the serious relationship I just got out of?

I miss my boyfriend (ahh! EX-boyfriend, EX-boyfriend!), even though he didn't treat me very well. And he's coming back from Ukraine soon. And I'll probably see him on the 29th. And I know he'll want to kiss me and whatnot, but if I let him, I'd be a CHEATER. Which is really weird to think about, because every time I kiss the new boy, I feel like I'm still cheating on my ex.

What have I doooooooone?? I'm not even asking for advice at this point, you guys. What advice is there to give? I have completely set myself up for disaster. If the Russian finds out I still have feelings for my ex, he'll be mad. And if the Ukrainian finds out I've been with the Russian, he'll be mad. So, eventually, everyone will be mad at me. I've resigned myself to this, I think. And, I'm sure I deserve it.

Weird!!

 

Oh, also. Sex is an issue. I'm an adult (more or less), and I enjoy sex. So does my ex-boyfriend. We were amazing together. The Russian, on the other hand, is verrrrry religious, and probably disapproves of sex before marriage. So there's that.