Feeling insecure and hating it!

[wideawake]

I have a wonderful girlfriend who I love very much. We've been together a little over two years now and things are going great. There is something though that really is upsetting me and I'm not sure exactly how to deal with it.

 

First let me say that we have a very honest and up-front relationship. We've basically established that we tell each other everything, even if it's a little uncomfortable for the other person, i.e., if a woman was to hit on me or ask me out I would tell my gf about it.

 

Like many attractive woman, men pay a lot of attention to my girl. She works in a public transportation building and is around many, many people on a daily basis. Sometimes she'll come home and be forward about telling me about some cute guy that asked about her, or mentioned that she's beautiful, or just made some off-hand comment. Guys are consistantly asking her out, and of course she tells them the whole story about having a boyfriend and all, but it's still becoming an emotional problem for me. After hearing about these kinds of things I become depressed and despondent, I really resent her for it and it makes me feel like crap.

 

I've told her all of this and that it's really starting to get to me and she became upset with me, asking if I'd rather have it the other way around where she simply doesn't tell me anything or lies to me about things. I answered honestly that I guess I would rather deal with my own small little insecurities than have her feel like she had to hide things from me, but the truth is I'm not so sure.

 

She seems to really feel strongly that she's doing the right thing in telling me about all of these instances and yes she does ask consistantly about other woman that I work with as well. But I really don't have anything to tell her as woman really don't pay all that much attention to me, nor have they have flirted or 'hit on me'.

 

So my problem, do I suck it up and appreciate the fact that I have a girl that is honest and tells me things that may upset me. Or do I ask her to start to hide these things from me? Like I said, she seems to have a strong desire to let me know everything, and part of me perhaps thinks that's not the most mature nor healthy response either. FYI we're late 20s/early 30s.

 

Thanks,

 

WA

[moimeme]

but it's still becoming an emotional problem for me. After hearing about these kinds of things I become depressed and despondent, I really resent her for it and it makes me feel like crap.

 

What is your problem? Why would it bother you that other men find your lady attractive? She turns them down, doesn't she? She has to work with the public and if she does, and she's a nice gal, people will be interested.

 

Answer these questions to yourself. Figure out what it is that is bothering you and then get yourself to counselling to fix it. You are being unreasonable and that is never attractive in a human. You may have some inner issues that need to be dealt with.

[loverhersomuch]

Your story sounds so similar to what I am dealing with that I felt like I was reading my own writing.

 

This is your post so I won't go into my whole story but just to give you some background, I've been in a relationship with a beautiful, buxom redhead for about a year and a half. When we walk into a room, every guy turns to stare. We are compatible on so many levels it is almost scary. About 6 months ago we decided to take the plunge and "shack up". In my case, my girlfriend has never been married, lived on her own for 12 years, dated quite a bit, and now has close friendships with many of the men she used to date. As for me, I'm generally considered above average in the looks department but certainly no Brad Pitt.

 

I'm not normally a jealous person but I'm finding that I have an almost irrational fear of losing someone so perfect for me that these friendships feel very threatening. There was one "friend" in particular that continued calling her to go out for several weeks after we had moved in together and it has been a real struggle to tell myself that everything is plutonic. Personally I think he still wants her as more than just a friend, but she has reiterated numerous times that even if that is the case, she does not have any romantic feelings for him.

 

In order to get past the constant thoughts of "what if" (and rather than drinking myself into blissful oblivion) I've been trying a technique that I read about here. Whenever I start to think about this I just say to myself, "Stop!" It sounds too simple, and initially it didn't really stop me from thinking anyway, but I've noticed that lately it is easier to move on to other thoughts and feel calm. Reading posts like yours helps too.

 

As for having her tell you about the daily comments and come-ons from other guys (which also happens frequently to my girlfriend), I personally have come to the decision that I don't really need to know. So what? Some guy says she's cute. When you were single, did you ever make a similar comment to a woman? It doesn't sound like she is encouraging this in any way or responding to it so why does it matter?

 

If she’s telling you about these incidents because you both said you wanted to hear the gory details, maybe you should re-think the strategy. It’s not lying if she doesn’t tell you about every detail of her day. A relationship needs to be based on honesty but that doesn’t mean the same thing as fully disclosing everything you have ever done or do today. Personally there are things such as how good an old lover was in bed or aspects of his anatomy that I would rather not know about, if you know what I mean.

 

However, if she is telling you these things in order to make you feel jealous, then that is a different story and maybe she has some insecurity issues to deal with herself.

 

Finally, you find your girlfriend attractive so it's totally natural that other men will think the same thing. However, that doesn't mean your girlfriend is going to drop you for one of them. She has probably been dealing with guys checking her out most of her life. As long as she is relatively mature and stable emotionally, one stranger is no different than the rest. She chose you for whatever combination of assets you bring to the party. Just kick back and be happy that it's you she's going to the dance with; all of those other guys can just wish they were so lucky.

 

The last thing you want to do is drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend with unnecessary jealousy.

 

Now if only I could practice everything that I preach…;-)

 

Good luck.

[wideawake]

Wow...talk about having some similarities...

 

I could have written your story above word for word. My girl also still has some old ex's that are CONSTANTLY trying to get her to go out again, meet them for drinks, etc, etc... She's great about all of this actually, and she knows it would upset me if she did start meeting old flames out, so she has simply refused all of them.

 

Bro, I know exactly what you mean. If only I could keep my head from not racing to all of those god-awful thoughts! I'll try more and more though.

 

I'm in a very similar situation, I'm not a jelous person at all by nature, these are new feelings for me and it's a weird one to deal with at my age.

 

I don't think she's trying to make me jelous, I really don't. It's just something that started when we began dating and it seems to have high and low points...lately it seems to be a consistant theme for our day-to-day conversations. I've hinted that I don't really need to hear about this kind of stuff, but she also doesn't feel that she should have to keep anything from me, and I of course have to agree to that.

 

And yeah, I'm sure (positive actually...) that's she's been dealing with a ton of attention from men all of her life. And I don't think it matters all that much to her either. I know for a fact that she loves me with all her heart and she's just a very honest and open person.

 

God I'm a lucky S.O.B....but I guess we're always looking for something to go wrong. And yes when I was single I wasn't exactly shy around good-looking single woman...lord I hate to think of other men acting the way I did!

 

Thanks for you note lhsm...it helped a ton.

 

Take care brother,

 

WA

[whiplash]

My gilrlfriend has said to me b4 "love isn't like a faucet, u can't just turn it off."

I'm sure she gets hit on at work, but it isn't relevant that i know this. Once in a blue moon some1 flirts with me 2, but I don't tell her. It's harmless, and what's the point of it?

[loverhersomuch]

I've been told by my girlfriend, other female friends, and read on this site, that women are generally better than men at maintaining the barrier between friendship and more intimate relationships. They can have close male friends, flirt a little with a casual acquaintance or a total stranger, etc. without always having a sexual component to the relationship.

 

I think men often feel threatened because they would have a more difficult time saying "no" if they had women hitting on them every fifteen minutes...actually it would be kind of fun (for a little while) to know what that's like, now that I mention it ;-)

 

Obviously this isn't always the case; all you have to do is read some of the female posts here to find plenty of times when the barriers are crossed, but for a well-adjusted woman I am learning to accept this as one of those differences between the sexes that we as men may never be able to totally understand or experience.

 

I'm in my late 30s and my girlfriend is in her mid-30s. For me, I don't want to go back to the dating scene. I like having a stable relationship with a great partner and it's a serious bonus that she's beautiful too. As I said before though, the last thing I want to do is mess it up with my own insecurity. I've told her (and myself) that if she is going to leave me it will have to be for something a lot worse than me acting like a jealous moron.

 

And one last note: what can you do about it anyway? If she wanted to leave you for someone else, that's her prerogative unless you want to chain her up in the basement, which is illegal in most states I think. The best way to keep what you have is to be the best boyfriend possible so that she won't want to leave; so that she will know that the grass can't get any greener than it already is.

 

It's not always easy but these are some of the things I am telling myself every day. For whatever it is worth I hope that it helps.

[netman]

Originally posted by loverhersomuch

I think men often feel threatened because they would have a more difficult time saying "no" if they had women hitting on them every fifteen minutes...actually it would be kind of fun (for a little while) to know what that's like, now that I mention it ;-)

This is so true. I have the same exact problem you guys are going through. My girlfriend is gorgeous (model material) and her style of dress (always has been even before I met her) is to dress up with tight pants, and tight shirts; she doesn't have her breasts all out though. But the summer time is killer for me when she's wearing the tight jeans, and the tight sleeveless shirts, once in a while a little cleavage. Drives me nuts sometimes, but I've been working on myself and my insecurities and I've gotten better. Still could use more help though

 

I guess since I was always gawking and flirting at pretty girls when I was single, I'm always picturing good looking guys doing the same with my girlfriend everywhere she goes. I trust her and I know that she's always been gawked at and hit on ever since she was a teenager. I have confidence that she responds in a way not to disrespect or to give the wrong impression to these guys, but I can't help thinking about it sometimes.

 

I guess guys are different. If we got hit on every 15 minutes, I bet we would at least flirt back half the time. The question is, do women flirt back half the time even if they had a boyfriend or husband, even though they intend to turn the guy down? That's probably the single thought that bothers me the most... Any more opinions on this subject? Any women out there with more insight on this?

[moimeme]

IMHO, there's two kinds of flirting. There's 'flirting with intent' - used to hold a man's attention and get him to get more interested in taking things further. Then there's 'flirting for fun' which is just exactly that. You both know that there is no serious intent behind it all - it's just play-acting. It gives you each a boost because it's fun - and that's where it ends.

[wideawake]

Good insight moimeme,

 

I would have to agree as well. I'm sure once in a while my girl will flash a smile at a compliment or engage in small talk. I'm sure she doesn't mind the attention, and probably gets a little rush from it as well. It's all good though, I know she's coming home to be with me, and the other dudes don't stand a chance.

 

I guess I act the same way on occasion (occasion being the key word here...) but for her it's probably more of a day-to-day deal.

 

DAMN OUR BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!

 

I'm actually feeling a lot better about my relationship these days....tough to say why, but I think just being able to post my initial feelings on here and than hear form others helped a lot. It just wasn't something I was comfortable sharing with my buddies or other friends (yeah, so I'm kind of feeling like a lilttle jealous bitch lately...hmmm...no way...).

 

I also spoke to my girl, and she's not really as outgoing about the guys that hit on her from day to day. I didn't tell her not to talk to me about it, but I think she realized that it's probably not something she needs to share with me on a every-day basis, and that's helping as well.