I think about abusing small animals, although I would never do it

[Epsilon]

I need some serious help. I'm in my early 20's and I have this desire to hurt small animals. I'd never ever do it, but I hate that I have these thoughts.

 

I have owned a few pets before and I've always taken extremely good care of them. I love them, feed them, play with them, train them properly, make sure they get plenty of exercise, etc. I'm extremely gentle and I absolutely love snuggling up with a cozy animal. It's the sweetest thing in the world.

 

However, I have this extremely dark side to my mind that I wish would just go away. I would never harm an animal, but I have so many twisted thoughts and it frightens me.

 

My girlfriend owns a few chihuahua dogs. They are quite cute, and they occasionally yap and bite, but they're generally good dogs that sleep a lot.

 

But sometimes I get an adrenaline rush out of the thought of hurting them. Whenever the dogs get scared or cold, they tremble and whimper, and for some reason I find it satisfying. I wonder what it would be like to take one of those dogs out into a field, play with it and get it trusting/happy/excited, and then to take a running start and kick it full-force through the air. I want it to pathetically limp away from me in fear and tremble and shake at the thought of not knowing what I'm going to do as I inch closer to it. Sometimes I'll think about what it'd be like to muzzle them and step on their paws. They would not be able to bark, but the struggle and voiceless pain gets my heart pumping.

 

One time my girlfriend's chihuahua was exploring her house and it tried sticking its head into this small, round area of a wine rack (it was a tall, decorative-type piece). It got its head stuck and panicked, flailing its limbs around, whimpering, trying to push itself out with its legs. I felt a sick pleasure in seeing it although I stepped in to help it quickly.

 

Whenever it happens to bite me, I get this quick thought of what it'd be like to discipline it by backhanding it across the face.

 

I think I get these sick pleasures because, simply, dogs can't talk. I could do whatever I wanted to them and they would have to take it. The option of abusing power is there, but I think about how much I love them and respect life, and I know I would never do such things. I believe we only have one chance at life and I would never do anything to facilitate death or injury to anyone or anything. However, my mind enjoys going down this dark alley from time to time and I find it really disturbing.

 

Growing up I was not treated with the love that I think most kids get, and so I figure this has something to do with it. I was not properly supported and I feel like the world continues to take from me when I'm already at a disadvantaged start. Despite my cries for help and love, I never really got either. Instead I was just used by people, and I feel like nobody cares for me or would ever make the sacrifices for me that I have made for others. "Why shouldn't I get even when I get the chance?" When do the abused finally achieve what they deserve?

 

I love animals so much, and I cry sometimes when these thoughts creep in. I don't want to get adrenaline rushes over these thoughts. I am afraid to see a psychologist or therapist about this, so I figured I'd start here first.

 

Why do I have these thoughts?

[2sure]

This is a tough one. I am sure, by your hesitancy to seek professional help that you are aware that people who harm small animals are considered mentally unbalanced and dangerous.

 

But you havent done anything and you want the thoughts to stop. Its possible that you feel so guilty for having the thoughts, you find yourself having them more often.

 

You have to see a professional. It doesnt mean you're an axe murderer.

You havent done anything wrong, these are ugly thoughts. Maybe they are a manifestation of some kind of childhood or family dysfunction and by addressing that with a therapist , you can relieve yourself of the ugly day dreams.

 

You gotta go.

[Taramere]

I love animals so much, and I cry sometimes when these thoughts creep in. I don't want to get adrenaline rushes over these thoughts. I am afraid to see a psychologist or therapist about this, so I figured I'd start here first.

 

Why do I have these thoughts?

 

I have no clue. Why are you afraid to see a psychologist or therapist?

[Epsilon]

I don't have the money and it's just so personal that I don't want people looking at me like I'm some kind of freak. Again, I know for a fact these thoughts would never manifest into actual actions. I just don't know why I get pleasure out of the thought of hurting defenseless animals.

[Taramere]

Do you see anything of yourself in these animals, when they're hurt and defenceless?

[Lyssa]

No psychologist nor therapist is going to judge you. IMO, this is a problem that needs to be addressed.

[Epsilon]

Yeah. I feel like I was the same way growing up, and I feel like I was just abused and had no way of getting help or love. Now I feel like I am in the dominant position. I can dictate whether an animal has a good life or a bad one very easily, and I feel like I could "get even" and make up for all those loveless years.

 

But of course, none of this is the animals' fault, and there is no reason for me to irrationally take my anger out on them, which is why I would never do it.

[Jilly Bean]

OK, not to alarm you, but most serial killers started out maiming and then killing small animals.

 

While I know you *think* you won't act on it, you can't be sure. Still, the fact that these thoughts exist are extremely disturbing. And I would bet good money that it isn't long before you do act on the impulses.

 

Also, schizophrenia begins to develop in mainly men, and in their early 20's.

 

No one here can diagnosis you, but I can assuredly say you need to seek professional help. Letting these thought patterns continue will lead you down a very, very dangerous path.

 

As all the others wisely said, NO therapist will judge you, so please do not use this as an excuse to avoid treatment.

 

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

[Taramere]

Yeah. I feel like I was the same way growing up, and I feel like I was just abused and had no way of getting help or love. Now I feel like I am in the dominant position. I can dictate whether an animal has a good life or a bad one very easily, and I feel like I could "get even" and make up for all those loveless years.

 

So distasteful though they are, these thoughts aren't completely irrational. It feels good to nurture the animals, and it feels good to fantasise about hurting them - because either way, you get to be the one in charge.

 

Except that people who are over-nurturing, or who have a tendency to persecute aren't in charge. They're in hiding from the memory of having once felt like a vulnerable victim. Not to mention the fear that at some point they might be that way again (unless we die relatively young, most of us will end up old, frail and at the mercy of stronger people who take on the care of us). Every time you think about hurting one of those animals, you're reminding yourself "I was an unhappy child. I haven't got over it."

 

Rewriting that miserable scenario in your head, and maybe getting some very temporary relief from the notion that you're no longer the weak party in the scenario. But the very fact that you have that need to rewrite the past, with animals playing the role you felt you were in, shows that the victim in you is strongly in evidence...and will be for as long as you feel this desire to make victims of other vulnerable creatures.

 

I'm not trying to berate you here, but you can perhaps see that the comfort and pleasure you're getting from these thoughts demonstrates the extent to which you yourself are still very much in the victim role? And perhaps it's ultimately that, rather than any realistic prospect that you'll be the next small animal crusher/serial killer to grace the criminal courts, that you need to talk over with a therapist.

[whimsical_memory]

While reading your post, I kept thinking about your girlfriend, and praying that she gets out of her relationship with you. Let me explain, please.

 

I do not think it is 'normal' to have thoughts of these nature. Many serial killers begin by inflicting injury upon small animals, and quite honestly...with the amount of detail you gave in hurting the animals...you scared the snot out of me. I do hope that you will seek help, and I know that in many cities and towns there is counseling available on a sliding scale fee.

 

The reason I am afraid for your girlfriend, is simply because I have been with an abuser that started out by merely wanting to hurt animals. It changes over to the desire to hear an actual person in pain, and it changes over rapidly.

 

My ex would do things to make me cry out in pain, simply because it turned him on to know that he controlled whether I felt pleasure or pain. From your post, it seems that it will not take much for this to happen with you.

 

You say that you want the thoughts to stop, and so again, I am urging you to seek counsel.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Again, I know for a fact these thoughts would never manifest into actual actions.

 

Let me explain why this is a very wrong assumption. The "adrenaline rush" you get over these fantasies will only last for so long. That's one of your bodies homeostatic mechanisms. When exposed to the same AR producing stimulus over and over then your body adapts so that you are no longer recieving that rush. Fight or flight (a purpose of the rush) would cause your heart or nervous system to shut down if it didn't adapt to that stimulus. So for anything that causes this there comes a threshold which is increased.

 

Get some help from a psychiatrist before this gets out of hand. There is NO SHAME in seeking help to better yourself.

[Epsilon]

I don't know how else to convince you guys, but I've felt these feelings for a long time and I never have and never will act on them. I rationalize my love for life far too much and I respect the bodies and minds of other living creatures. If, for whatever reason, I do become angry, I figure out ways to channel it in a safe way that doesn't involve abuse. The thought of harming an animal and making it not trust me is too great. I love them too much, simply put.

 

It's just a latent temptation I've recently tried to come to terms with in an honest way, the fact that I do think these abusive thoughts. I just find them so disturbing and I hate that I think them, because I'm not that type of person at all.

[Queen of Hearts]

It could be a form of OCD. Go see someone before you have kids, please.

[Jilly Bean]

Epsilon - heed the words of advice. You are in dire need of professional help.

 

No serial killer starts out KNOWING they will kill. It evolves.

 

Your pathology is currently evolving, and as Wishes said, the impulses will continue to get stronger and stronger, until it relents, and you act out on these impulses.

 

The thoughts you are having are not healthy, and the sheer fact that they occur are reasons to seek professional help.

 

This kind of thing is a ticking time bomb, and going into denial over it, won't make it go away.

[butcher's hook]

OK, not to alarm you, but most serial killers started out maiming and then killing small animals.

 

.

 

This is very tue!

 

 

Epsilon I think you need to seek therapy no if ands or buts. You need to speak to a trained professional about your thoughts, in particular since you described you are getting a physical response from your fantasies, ie. the adrenaline rush.

 

Please do something now.

[Epsilon]

Okay, but what can a therapist or psychologist possibly tell me that I can't already deduce?

[butcher's hook]

A therapist can help you get to the root of these thoughts. You say you don't understand them or why you get them when your don't have tendencies to hurt animals so a therapist will help you understand what is the root cause of these fantasies.

 

Eventually if you let these thoughts consume you you will want to know what these fantasies actually feel like. Do you want to get to that point?

[Taramere]

Okay, but what can a therapist or psychologist possibly tell me that I can't already deduce?

 

Initially they might be nothing more than a sympathetic human presence you can relate things to. Once they know your story more fully, they could help you to figure out how your mind forms links between certain situations and past events. Help you get an idea of your thinking patterns - what things trigger your decision to go off into these fantasies, and what techniques you could use effectively to snap yourself out of them. They'd probably want you to keep some kind of record of the times of day you have these fantasies, what the preceding situations to them are, how long they last and what your emotional state is before, during and after.

 

I hear you saying that you're absolutely convinced that these fantasies aren't going to lead to any violent behaviour. I have no idea whether they'd increase the likelihood or not. Psychologists say that there's a higher propensity amongst dangerous offenders to indulge in sadistic fantasy - and that seems like common sense. It doesn't automatically follow that everyone who indulges in sadistic fantasy is, or will become a dangerous offender....but it seems fair to say that having these fantasies probably isn't going to be in any way beneficial to your mental health.

 

A lot of people indulge in violent fantasies during times of high provocation as a sort of emergency form of catharsis. I've occasionally done that too - fantasised about taking a gun to noisy, screaming drunks in the street when I'm trying to sleep. But I don't get any actual high or buzz from it. It just reduces the anger and kind of helps me get things back into proportion....but then, I don't just stop at the violent fantasy, because for some reason I find it pointless to have fantasies without also imagining the likely outcomes of me doing such things in real life.

 

So I imagine the consequences of my actions, the emotional impact on other people, the ruined lives, me going through a trial etc etc. When you've got a tendency to put yourself through all that as a kind of "payment" for letting yourself have the fantasy, believe me there's far less incentive to have it in the first place. It also helps you to see the ludicrous aspects of whatever anger in you led you to have the fantasy in the first place (ie getting things out of proportion).

 

But the difference with you, perhaps, is that you're getting a major buzz out of these fantasies and so you've got a very strong incentive to carry on having them. After all, any buzz has potential to be addictive - and I think that's the main thing that's concerning people on this board. The buzz you get is what marks what you're doing out from normal cathartic fantasising and makes it that bit likely that at some point you'll do something violent - and manage it by compartmentalising it to the point where this gentle, loving side of you that you're telling us about doesn't feel responsible for the violent act. You wouldn't be the first.

 

So if you want to do something about it before it gets out of hand, you need to see a therapist. You're not going to get this one sorted out by mulling it over in your own mind. It is, after all, that same mind that conjures the fantasies up in the first place. It has some investment in continuing to conjure them up. You're strongly motivated (by the buzz) to keep having them, and so your mind will constantly be presenting you with excuses and rationalisations as to why although it might seem odd and distasteful, it's not actually harmful for you to carry on having the fantasies.

 

You're doing it already, with the emphasis on "I would never actually do this in real life....I know I wouldn't." I'm guessing that's not so much an appeal to us anonymous strangers on a board as it is an appeal to the rational, healthy and disapproving part of your own psyche that's telling you you need to knock this violent fantasising habit on the head before it takes a real grip of you.

[jasminetea]

What Taramere and you say about the 'buzz' made me think of the skydiving thread in the water cooler. I wonder if replacing the impetus for the buzz would help?

 

I'm not suggesting that skydiving would be the only way, but something that gives you a buzz because it puts you in control of a somewhat extreme situation like skydiving does. I don't know, rock climbing, treking, canoeing...

[Taramere]

I'm not suggesting that skydiving would be the only way, but something that gives you a buzz because it puts you in control of a somewhat extreme situation like skydiving does. I don't know, rock climbing, treking, canoeing...

 

That's a really good point. When you do extreme sports, as well as getting a buzz you're having to think really hard. I went canyoning and white-water rafting recently, and it struck me how good it is for you mentally to do these things. You're getting the buzz of panic and adrenalin, but at the same time you're having to discipline yourself to stay calm so that you can listen to and follow instructions and keep yourself out of danger.

 

Compare that to the buzz people talk about getting when they watch violent films, take drugs - or, as the OP says, when he has violent fantasies. It's very passive and doesn't require the person involved to do anything other than indulge themselves in experiencing the buzz.

[Jilly Bean]

Tara - post 18 was excellent.

 

But, I do believe that a therapist would help Epsilon desensitive those impulses. Disassociate the adrenaline rush that he is getting from the current fantasies.

[Taramere]

Tara - post 18 was excellent.

 

But, I do believe that a therapist would help Epsilon desensitive those impulses. Disassociate the adrenaline rush that he is getting from the current fantasies.

 

Thanks, JB...and I agree that the guy would be best going to a therapist. If he doesn't have the cash, and assuming it isn't available free through the health service/any insurance plan he has, there might be some local charitable organisations that provide it.