I Messed Up But Want Her Back Help!!!!

[Mathias93]

I just lost my girlfriend of two and a half years and am dealing with all of the amazingly powerful and painful emotions that accompany such a loss. I actually found a relationship based on love. What a revelation! I completely blew it at this point through my own irresponsibility. I have failed many times to carry through on some big promises like getting her a ring, getting on track with a career, making good financial decisions, making it through medical school. I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and am now on a tightly regulated regimen of medication. It has made an amazing difference and those things that seemed so difficult to accomplish at one time are very easy.

 

What she says all the time is “why did you not do that when we were together?” I could only answer that I did not have the capacity or the focus at that time. I am taking every step at this point that I can to improve my finances, am reapplying to medical school, have a good confidant who believes in your book and in she and I as a couple, and am trying as hard as I can to try and be supportive and love 100%. My question is about last week. She and I broke up and I moved out about 9 days ago. We have two dogs and my dog still stays with her dog while I am working and I take them both on a walk after work. When I arrived at the apartment, she asked if we could talk. It turned out to be us revisiting everything that I did wrong in the relationship and how she doesn’t trust me at this point to be husband material.

 

She tells me how lonely she is and tries to joke about the breakup because she says that sarcasm is how she copes with the hurt. I am not sure how to react. She is talking to the ex-boyfriend whom she dated throughout all of college before me and tells me how much she admires his work ethic and sees him in a new prospective. I try and tell her all that I am trying to do to improve and it seems that at this point she completely devalues it. “ Maybe I don’t want to be with someone who needs to talk to someone and needs medication to get it together.” She tells me how angry she is with me but that we can hang out together for a bite to eat, a movie or whatever but not to flip out if she has a date.I know that she is angry but underneath I see the hurt and sadness that I have caused and know that she really does love me.

 

She used to claim that I was her “person.” I apologize for the rambling but here is my question: What can I do to win back a person whom I genuinely love even though she is resentful, angry, trying to talk herself out of me, considering other options, and has no faith in me at this point? How do I get back some of my confidence and put this on a more positive footing? I know that I can get her to do things with me, it is not lack of opportunities that causes the attempts to win a loved one back but that those moments are not properly taken advantage of. Her ex-boyfriend did not date anyone for the entire time we were together because it was not "Her". How do I compete with this and keep all interactions on the right level? She just doesn't give me any indication that she ever wants to get back together. I came over yesterday and when I extended my hand for her to shake it she hugged me so hard and held on. It was great. On the other hane she says it would be so easy to fall back into hanging out with me but that it is not what she needs emotionally. Thank you sooo much for reading this. PLEASE HELP!!!!!

[moimeme]

It can be very difficult to live with someone who has ADD. You need a partner who fully understands everything abou ADD and who is prepared to live with it and with you. This may take more work than some women can face.

 

I'm not talking through my hat. I am part of an association that advocates for adults with ADD and I lived with a man with ADD for two years.

 

Maybe I don’t want to be with someone who needs to talk to someone and needs medication to get it together

 

This is really not good. It sounds as though she thinks less of you because you have a condition you can't help having. You do not need a woman who thinks that way. You need someone who will support you in your treatment and who respects you.

 

Really, I think you may be better off without her.

[Mathias93]

It is difficult to live with a person with ADD, but I am trying everything to work through it. Medication has made a huge impact, plus I am seeing a therapist to learn how to better manage day to day activities. The thing that kills me about the problems we had in our relationship is that paying bills on time and managing my finances are so easy now that I am on meds, how could I have let my relationship get to this point before I heard the smoke alarms? She told me again and again that she was getting resentful and i thought that I was doing a great job working through it.

 

How do I get through to her that I have really changed? I am above average with regard to intelligence. I am going back to medical school after completing a three week program that teaches students with learning disabilities how to study effectively in medical and law school. One huge problem, I DO NOT want to go without her.

 

It was so strange, I came into the apartment that we once shared yesterday to get the rest of my stuff. She came up to me and I extended my hand to shake hers and she grabbed me and held me so tightly. It felt sooo great but we went to get some food together and she said that her "giving till it hurts mentality has gotten her nowhere in her last two relationships. I wanted to shout that I am right here in love as ever and wanting to do everything in my power to work on my issues and on us. She always tells me how lonely she is and how much this sucks etc. but has shown no signs at this point of wanting to reconcile. I am at a loss as to what I should do.

 

I am always very composed when we are together she told me yesterday that "I seem to get over things quickly and it helps me get over this easier to know that youe are doing okay" which is insane feeling the way I am feeling. I just don't want to screw up the possibility of being a great physician in addition to losing the love of my life! By the way she is a special education teacher, she should have a better understanding of what is going on with me but maybe she just doesn't want to at this time. One more thing about all of this. She had an ex-boyfriend whom she refused to stop talking to during our entire relationship and i told er time and again that this hurt my feelings and that was one of the reasons that we were not engaged. She said they were just friends but he had very different intentions and is now calling her every half hour.

 

Yesterday she said that she knows now that it was a mistake to talk to him and will not do it again in the future and said that we could no longer hang out if she ever got serious with someone else. GOD THAT IS ALL I WANTED THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER!!! I said "Perhaps you will get serious with me again" to which she replied "perhaps". She said it would be so easy to fall back into hanging out again because it is so comfortable but that it is not what she needs emotionally. I am about to lose my mind! No worries, I am not acting severely desperate or needy around her but just want one little window of opportunity! Any thoughts out there! I sincerely appreciate it

[HokeyReligions]

Let her go. You can live without her. The separation doesn't have to be forever. But if it is, its not the end of the world. You can make her change her mind or her heart and influence to the point of action will just lead to resentment and hurt feelings and even more pain for both of you.

 

Focus on yourself a little - med school is a HUGE deal. Personally, to have a man hanging onto me and grasping for some kind of relationship is a huge turn-off and big red warning flags with "codependent" written on them go up. Don't just stop smothering her -- leave her alone completely and focus actively on your career, family, friends and your future.

[moimeme]

how could I have let my relationship get to this point before I heard the smoke alarms

 

Don't blame yourself. It's all part of the ADD. It is so great to hear stories like yours about how the meds and therapy really help. I'm happy for you; there are people who don't have much success with the meds at all.

 

How do I get through to her that I have really changed?

 

It's not about you. It's about her.

 

giving till it hurts mentality has gotten her nowhere in her last two relationships

 

she is a special education teacher

 

Uh-oh. This is not a good thing. I know a former special-ed teacher that wants to never deal with special-ed people again; it was too exhausting, she says. If your ex deals with issues about disorders all day, it's a real good bet she wants a break in the rest of her life. You would do better to take on a woman in almost every other profession than that

 

A woman who plans to live with someone with a disorder of any sort needs to be willing and prepared to do so. Even on meds, you will always still have some ADD traits and there may be times when the drugs cease to be effective, etc. You need somebody who will go willingly into such a relationship rather than someone who has clearly said she can't handle it. Give her credit for knowing her limits. There are women who will be quite happy to know you and be in a relationship with you. Do not continue to pursue this woman. Even if you 'convince her you've changed', eventually she'll drop you because the issues will overwhelm her. She knows you're too much to deal with.

 

It totally, completely, absolutely sucks that you've got this raw deal in being born with a disorder. It completely stinks that, so far, it's not curable. Unfortunately, that's a reality you'll have to work around in your life

I wouldn't waste another minute on her; you're just stealing time from your quest to find the right woman for you; one who will not find your situation daunting or exhausting and who will be your helpmeet.

[mathias8701]

Hello all, just a little update on my quest to get my old girlfriend back. Lee and I have not spoken in three weeks. She has called the house on two occasions to relay information about my class schedule and I was not there to take the call.( I am the guy with ADD who is returning to medical school.)

 

It still hurts a ton to think of a future without her, but I am doing much better. I scored a 35 out of 45 on my practice MCAT! Woohoo! She just got admitted to a Master's program and left me a short note to let me know. I bought her a nice card and just put "Congrats I am so proud of you, have a great Thanksgiving."

 

I hate all of the fake stuff that I am pulling, but know that if I push the issue of her returning to me, that it will just drive her further away. Her birthday is coming up late December, any ideas on what to do to gently let it be known that I am there but at a distance?

 

I am really trying to focus on me and on removing my self-defeating behaviors. I cannot honestly make a true overture towards her at this point because many of my faults that contributed to our relationship's demise are still present. I am trying to give her some solid reason to reconsider returning to me at some point.

 

In the meantime, I am staying consistent with my ADD medication, being financially conscientious, and studying my ass off. You all seem to give some very good and well thought out advice. If you have any thoughts or comments about how I should proceed, please post! Thanks!