digitalwizard Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I have two other posts on here for anyone that wants to get caught up: "Separated from my wife of 9 years" and "The WHOLE story" Anyway, a lot has transpired since I last posted on here. Some good and some bad. My wife went on a vacation about 2 weeks ago for a week and while there she called me all the time. I really felt like we were making a good connection again. While she was there we had a really in depth conversation about me and the OM and what each of us means to her. Well, I found out that she was torn completely. So much so that she often mentioned not being with either of us and moving on all together. However, a few nights ago, I asked her if I could spend the night and she said 'yes'. So, the night started off okay, but then she started acting a bit weird. I knew what it was--she wanted to call him. I started 'pushing' again and we got into a fairly mild argument which ended with me going up stairs to her/OUR room and her staying downstairs and playing Rock Band. About 1.5 hrs passed by (I passed the time doing pushups/situps/and crunches) and I decided to go downstairs and go outside to get some night air. She was on the phone, but I just walked right out the door and didn't say a word. I stood in the brisk night air without a shirt or shoes/socks on and enjoyed the peace of the night and wetness under my feet. It was almost hypnotic. Within about 2 to 5 minutes, she came outside and VERY SWEETLY asked me what I was doing. She smiled at me and said that I was cute and she giggled. She walked over and stood right next to me, looking up at the stars. We talked a bit of small talk about the sky and everything and she said something about, "If you want to know, I have only been on the phone with him for 20 mins." I said, "It's none of my concern" and walked back inside and upstairs. She followed me up. Once in the bedroom, I grabbed my pillow and started to head downstairs. She grabbed my hand firmly, looked me in the eyes and said, "Where are you going?" I said, "I'm going to sleep on the couch like we agreed." She said, "No, you're not. You are sleeping right here." I gave in, of course, and layed down on the bed. She wasted NO TIME AT ALL in coming over to me and cuddling up to me as close as she could. It was wonderful! She just layed her head on my chest and played with her hair and carressed her face for nearly 4 hours, even after she fell asleep. Now, this is the interesting part. Usually the next day after she has been being 'nice' to me, she reverts and "feels guilty" I guess. However, this time she didn't. We spent the whole day together, flirting, laughing and just being two-gether. I didn't spend the night again, but I went over at 6am the next morning and slept with her until about 11 or so, when I had to get up for work. Now, this day was different; she was even more friendly and more loving. She was looking me in the eyes A LOT and not looking away for a few seconds. They were lasting looks. She also got up to kiss me and give me a loving hug a few times out of nowhere. I really felt like we were moving back towards each other finally. It went on like this for about 4 days. She was spending ALL of her spare time with me and me with her and we were just being REAL, being 'friends', just being. It was great. Last night, though, she went out with a friend of my step-daughters who is also a self-proclaimed psychic. Teresa, my wife, mentioned that she was having a really hard time still and she was torn. The bitch said, "move on". Well, what bothers me is that my wife was really leaning towards me up to that point. I mean we were getting REALLY CLOSE again. Then last night after I got off of work (I could SENSE that something was wrong; I have a really strong to connection to her and I know when things are not right even before I talk to her) and tried calling her a few times and got no answer, then I texted and got no answer. I finally got in my car and drove over there and she said that her phone had been charging downstairs and she was upstairs watching tv. Then, she said that she had been doing a lot of thinking and realized (coincidently the same night that she spoke with the 'psychic') that she could never move on with me unless she meets him. She said she will always wonder. This gutted me like a fish. I was flabberghasted and nearly started crying, but I maintained my composure. Anyway, not only that, but she's all of the sudden been treating me really distant, too. After having those few days of closeness; it HURTS a lot!!! I came over to her house this morning at 8am after sleeping maybe 2hrs last night envisioning her and him in the house together alone and doing god knows what. I couldn't get the visuals out of my head. Anyway, when I got there she was a wreck. She had a terrible migraine, a crick in her neck, stomach cramps, and was a bit grumpy. I had planned to tell her that I was done; that this is too much and it just keeps ripping me apart every time she skips around, but I didn't because she was so miserable. She's on the verge of losing her job due to economic circumstances and she has NOONE besides me in the area. Her OM hasn't offered to give her a ****in' dime! I stayed and comforted her and tried to coax her into crying and letting it all out. Not only would it be good for her, but I figured if she cried on my shoulder that maybe she'd start to feel something again and open up. Well, at one point I tried to convince her that the only options she has is to let me move back as 'friends working on lovers' so I can help with the bills or go back to Mississippi and live with her mom. She basically told me that I have no idea how strongly she feels about the OM and that she has to meet him to find out if it's just an illusion or if he's just deceiving her or whatever. So, I pulled out my wits. Tomorrow morning at 10am we have an appt with a local psychic who knows neither me nor her. We will get OBJECTIVE answers from someone who doesn't have anything invested. This psychic is actually very accurate; I know a few people who have had very accurate readings from her. Anyway, Teresa promised me that if she gets close enough to what is going on and if she tells her that she is being deceived (or whatever) that she will take me back and leave him behind. This was a real promise; I held her hands and looked in her eyes. She meant it. I can see that this is making her crazy. She wants to love me and be close to me again, but she's got this nagging feeling that he is something special too. She truly is torn. I told her if the psychic confirms that 'him and her' belong together that I will stop fighting for her and move on. My question is this, what do I do? I can clearly see that she has deep feelings for me. Even today after all of the heartbreak she poured on me, this afternoon she called me at work and thanked me for sitting with her and comforting her. She was really sweet and gentle. The thing is this, I know without a doubt in my mind that she wants to be with me, but I also know that she strongly has feelings for him, too. Whose is stronger? I do not know. I also am fairly certain that even if she meets this guy and even if she hits it off with him, she will STILL be torn. I was out of her life completely and had moved on and SHE PULLED ME BACK. This happened at least 3 times now; probably more. So I am thinking that I need to cut ties again and make her miss me more than him, but I don't know with the situation of finances the way they are. Things are really grim. I am lost as far as my next steps. Should I pretend like nothing bad happened and just continue to be her 'friend' as we have been? Should I leave her there, turn my phone off for a few days, and see if she starts to miss me? Should I buy the ticket to fly him over here? If she meets him and is uncomfortable with him, she will drop him right there. BUT that is a huge gamble. If I offer to buy the ticket, I will also request that she give me one night of love making so I can remind her what it is like when we are passionately together (I have been being abstenant to prove to her that it is not about the physical pleasure of being with her; it is about HER--period! Now, I have pleased her a few times. In fact, at one point a few months ago, right before we separated, we were really trying to make things work and she would literally STOP herself from having an orgasm over and over each night just so she wouldn't lose the passion. It worked, too. I could try that again. Get her to the point and stop. She would be putty in my hands, but I feel like that is manipulative.), lost in the moment, and it will be fresh in her mind if she 'sleeps with him'. If the same thing isn't there, then she will drop him; On the same token, she will have slept with him which will kill me inside. I need advice.... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 bribe the psychic!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 OK, maybe not. There isn't much you can do. She is in deep to the OM. I wouldn't help her to meet him in any way. Just keep doing what your doing, sounds like it's working. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Jonesey Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I am going to say what only a few others will dare to say..... GROW SOME BALLS, MAN UP! This woman is dogging you, being a cake eater and then rubbing in your face what SHE wants to do with no thought of your marriage or feelings. Are you that down on yourself? This will never stop because she does not respect you.... You said yourself this is the 3rd time. J Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I wouldn't go to a psychic for answers. I'd be hiring a PI to investigate him. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I am going to say what only a few others will dare to say..... GROW SOME BALLS, MAN UP! This woman is dogging you, being a cake eater and then rubbing in your face what SHE wants to do with no thought of your marriage or feelings. Are you that down on yourself? This will never stop because she does not respect you.... You said yourself this is the 3rd time. J Jonesey's on the mark. She's disrespecting you, playing you for the fool you are being. She is going to keep playing these games until you stand up and start being a MAN. It's time to draw the line in the sand. Honey I will move heaven and earth for you, but I will not longer put up with this. Make a decision, me or him. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I have to say that this has got to be one of the saddest posts I have read on here in awhile. You want her???? Go NC. As it stands now, you are putty in her hands and she is not putty in yours. Why do you find it incredible that OM is not helping her out financially? Why do you feel sorry for her that OM is not helping her at all? I just don't understand this at all. Why does your future ride on what a whacko says? Are you seriously going to pay for OM's flight to eff your wife and you are not worried about this because you are the better lover? C'mon, like what others have said. Grow a pair. Go NC. Give yourself time to really think about what is happening because from my perspective, and others I am sure, you have seriously lost the plot. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 just how much more of her crap are you going to take,before you wake up. all she doing is playing head games with you.geez you'll probable even end up giving her money. turn off you phone,disapear from her life. reach down grap a pair, and say enough of this crap. Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I'm with these guys here...anyone who can be swayed by a psychic is not someone you need. I know you think you need her, but really, think about this person for a minute...is the way she is behaving really something to be in love with? I know that was the hardest thing for me to realize: the way the other is behaving is so reprehensible that if I were of my right mind, I wouldn't like a thing about her. So, listen to everyone here...back up, limit or eliminate contact, and get your head straight. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Oh this is so easy. Get rid of her. Can you do that? I bet not. It's not easy to turn off your emtions. This cycle will continue. The instant you let her back into your life, she will consider you "secured" and move towards the OM. She wants her cake. She wants both of you. Do not allow the cycle to continue. The sooner you let her have the OM all on her own, the sooner she will come back to you. The sooner you try and move on, the sooner she will try and keep control of your emotions by being her "old self". The sooner you go after someone else, the sooner she will come chasing you. This is human nature. It doesn't matter if I know her or not, it's all the same. It's all the same emotions. What's difficult at that point is understanding why and if you want to deal with someone like that. Someone who only wants what is out of reach. Someone who doesn't realize what a good person you are, until you are not theirs. You are enabling her. Cut her off. Deny her. Let her know what life is like without you. That's key. Consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 I appreciate all of the advice, even the harsh stuff. I do have a pair and it's just a lot more complicated then it sounds. Our relationship has always been deep and complex. By complex, I don't mean difficult, I mean more than 1 or even 2 dimensions. She told me the other day that if the OM wasn't in the picture at all that I would back in with her right now. Do you know how devistating that is? To know that you'd be back in your wife's arms if only she had not met some jobless loser cassinova-wanna be from Arizona? It's a virtual nightmare! Anyway, I am ALL FOR the NC stuff. In fact, when I sat down and really thought about how she's been treating me, I finally got very angry. I.E. 1. She needs me during the DAY while he is not able to be there for her. If I ask to be there for her at night, 9/10 times it will be 'No'. 2. I cannot go over there without her asking me to do something, i.e. pickup some smokes, grab some drinks from the store, get something to eat, etc. 3. I make a good amount of $ per month and right now she makes barely $500 / month. She can't pay ANY of her bills. Guess whose been fitting the bill? You guessed it--me. I try to make her understand that if she doesn't want to give me a 100% commitment at this point, then fine, but at least let's move back in as bf/gf so that we can keep tabs on the finances. She keeps saying 'No'. The problem is that she is losing EVERYTHING. Her life is falling in underneath her and all she has to do to stop it is take my hand, but she won't take that step. She's infatuated with a jobless, lifeless, sweet-talker, who does NOTHING for her but keep her 'company' at night via the telephone. We never went to the psychic this morning b/c she got a call last night that her ex-husband is misusing her mom into the ground. So, now, she's planning to move back to Mississippi and help her mom out. She said she doesn't know if it's permanent or not, but I'm sure it will be. If she moves that far away, my life with her is all but over. I can't win her back living right down the street; how the hell can I get when she's 800 miles away? Anyway, that's the update... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Consider yourself 800 miles luckier. You'll understand what I mean in a month or two when your head and heart clear up from her infection. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 ...I think you should file for divorce before she leaves for the M.I. because she'll drag out your seperation longer so she wont have to make a choice, all the while going deeper into the FOG with the OM, who knows the OM might come out there to meet her, she's trading down she's a loser and her self esteem reflects who and what she's choosing you cant fix her, you cant save her. Why bother!!!! Love yourself!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 I've almost had her convinced a few times that he is just using her and wants to get her in bed. I just can't get enough fuel on the fire to push her over the top. I've explained to her that a woman on the rebound is extremely fragile and can be swept off her feet by a guy who says all the right things. Is there somewhere where I can print out stories of this happening to women and then it not being at all what they expected? I need something like that with BAD results to help give her second thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I've almost had her convinced a few times that he is just using her and wants to get her in bed. I just can't get enough fuel on the fire to push her over the top. I've explained to her that a woman on the rebound is extremely fragile and can be swept off her feet by a guy who says all the right things. Is there somewhere where I can print out stories of this happening to women and then it not being at all what they expected? I need something like that with BAD results to help give her second thoughts... Are you blind or just dumb!!!?? She dont want to listen to what your saying! she is manipulating you and your head is stuck so far up her azz she's crapping on your and calling it rain! You my friend are being played and is a fool for allowing this woman to continue the affair without having you put your foot down! where's your heart man? man up!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 I know. You're right. Finding the strength to do all that is a different story, though. I can manage to do it for a day or two, but then I get like she SHOULD be getting...you know...what is she doing? why hasn't she called? does she even miss me? is she happier now that I'm not over there anymore? **** like that. It's hard to clear your mind when the **** starts creeping in.... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I know. You're right. Finding the strength to do all that is a different story, though. I can manage to do it for a day or two, but then I get like she SHOULD be getting...you know...what is she doing? why hasn't she called? does she even miss me? is she happier now that I'm not over there anymore? **** like that. It's hard to clear your mind when the **** starts creeping in.... Then DO something about it! Either she quits the affair or quits your marriage it is too much that she asks you to wait so she can continue the affair, you are her husband not her doormat!!! You are a human being and deserve better treatment. Focus on your life and what you want out of it. Use that anger! anger that she's treating you like a chump and change your life! I know it's hard trying to forget what happened and all the good times, but you need to bury that crap and focus on what is happening right now, your moment of clarity will come! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Are you blind or just dumb!!!?? She dont want to listen to what your saying! she is manipulating you and your head is stuck so far up her azz she's crapping on your and calling it rain! You my friend are being played and is a fool for allowing this woman to continue the affair without having you put your foot down! where's your heart man? man up!!!! Exactly, well said CB. What's next you watch them hump. Provide commentary on how he sucks at humping in comparison to you? Expect that her words mean more than her actions? Get real. I hate to break this to you, but everyone's relationship is complex. Yours is not special. She is not special. You are not special. It's all the same crap. What's funny is, this advice will just make you try and continue doing more of the same. More and more of the same behavior with the same results. What's funny is you're going to expect her to change her mind or think differently. She is not going to change her mind or think differently, until you start thinking differently and acting differently. Right now, you are putty. Complete putty. She can tell you whatever she wants. She can give kiss him, hug him, talk to him all night and she would just call you the next day after he blows her off. You are the back up plan. Stop being the back up, the alternative, the fall back guy. You are a tool to her indiscretions, but you are too ruled by your immaturity and emotions to see it. The only way for someone like you to see the truth is for you to experience more pain and suffering. Open your eyes and get back to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I know. You're right. Finding the strength to do all that is a different story, though. I can manage to do it for a day or two, but then I get like she SHOULD be getting...you know...what is she doing? why hasn't she called? does she even miss me? is she happier now that I'm not over there anymore? **** like that. It's hard to clear your mind when the **** starts creeping in.... Oh, and she'll miss you alright. She will call you too. It's only when the other guy is not around or being an *******. She is happy running between the two of you, as long as you allow it. I hate to be blunt and harsh. Maybe I should just change my technique with communicating with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted July 2, 2009 Author Share Posted July 2, 2009 I did it. I told her tonight. It's either him or me. I told her that she needs to seriously think about who/what she wants because she make wake up one day and realize that it's me and I won't come running anymore. I layed it down. I went over to her place after work, grabbed my toiletries (from spending the night a few nights ago) and left. I didn't even say goodbye. I actually feel pretty good right now. I feel like I'm the one that is in control. I know that won't last, but I'm enjoying it while I can. Thanks, all of you for your 'tough love'! -Thomas Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 THAT'S IT MAN GRAB YOUR BALLZACK!!!!! women resent men that are weak, you need to prepare for the possibility she may run to the OM with what you said! you need to prepare for the idea she may never return home, you need to squash those soft emotions you have for her and get through them if you are to survive!!! Your survival is imperative! F her affair, either it ends or you and your marriage ends. and if it does. then it ends on your terms and your not crying about it anymore. There's no reason to cry about it anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 I did it. I told her tonight. It's either him or me. I told her that she needs to seriously think about who/what she wants because she make wake up one day and realize that it's me and I won't come running anymore. I layed it down. I went over to her place after work, grabbed my toiletries (from spending the night a few nights ago) and left. I didn't even say goodbye. I actually feel pretty good right now. I feel like I'm the one that is in control. I know that won't last, but I'm enjoying it while I can. Thanks, all of you for your 'tough love'! -Thomas F yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Great F'in job Wiz. Well done my man! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Wiz, I am pulling for you man. Take care and best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Okay, here is an update and a question or two. My wife called me and she has agreed to let me move back in as "room mates". I have to sleep in a separate bedroom. To quote her, "We've shared 9 years together. I need help and you need a place. You can move in as a room mate and we'll see what happens from there." I asked if she was going to still be talking to the OM on the phone at night and she just shook her head and said, "I don't know." (I would assume that is a 'yes'.) Now, my questions. I have been asking her for almost 2 months to start over with me. I wanted her to let me move back in as a friend and win her heart back from the beginning. This offer is pretty much that. The only thing is if she is still talking to him then what chance do I really have? Honestly, will it be easier to win her back living with her or NC? Someone help me. I think that by her seeing me EVERY day and me not being how I used to be would build her trust in me that I am NOT the same mean hearted individual anymore. But, I also think that if she continues to talk to him that he will still always be the one "on top" so to speak. I can't guarantee that she is going to talk to him; she almost sounded depressed when she said "I don't know", as if she was hurting from thinking about not talking to him anymore. Then after discussing a bit more about the arrangements, she said, "If I talk to him, you're going to have deal with it." She pretty much came clean this morning. After 3 chances (she counts almost separating twice as chances) to change and not doing so, but promising to do so, she doesn't know if she can trust me. I think what she is basically doing is putting it in 'fates' hands. Whatever happens, happens. The good news is that generally when I am around her for a good period of time, she loosens up and gets flirty and even kisses me from time to time. Perhaps by being there more frequently, this could increase until I eventually win her heart back. I don't know what to do. I want to live with her, but I don't want to be in the other room listening to her talk to him in a soft, gentle, loving voice. It would tear me apart. On the other hand, this IS what I asked her for...to start over as friends. Perhaps, I can live there and go out in the evenings for hours at a time and peek her curiousity? If we are room mates then I can "see other people too" right? I don't really want to, but if that would work... Any advice is appreciated. Thomas Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Thats a tough spot wiz. A chance to be with her, but get slapped with OM whenever she feels like it or continued seperation and missing her. I think I would tell her that you don't think you should have to compete for her attention and refuse her offer until OM is out of the picture. She isn't giving you much of a commitment, just dangling a carrot in front of you to watch you run. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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