Things have changed a bit...

[TrustInYourself]

Only when you are gone will she understand what you are worth. Only when you have someone better is she going to come running.

 

At that point, why bother?

[digitalwizard]

Good point. I'm not quite ready to move on to someone else just yet. I need to just be for a little while and focus on making it. I gave her the ultimatum and I don't mean enough to her for her to choose me, so the decision was made for me. I just need to NOT think for about a week or so and try to just exist. The memories haunt me at night; I haven't slept in 2 days. The pain is unbearable; I'd rather be drawn and quartered. At least the pain would eventually END.

 

I can't think of any one thing that is positive. Except my daughter of course, but it's hard to even be happy with her at the moment. She reminds me of Teresa in so many ways. The biggest problem is that no matter how I try, I can't be mad at Teresa or hate her. Hell, I still love her very much. I used to be so centered in my mind and my body, but everything is just chaos now. I can't get my head around anything.

 

Anyway, just venting again. This is the only place I can really just let it all out. Nobody has to read it; It's just for me to let off some emotions.

 

-Wiz

[Chrome Barracuda]

Noboddy's saying go jump a bunch of hoes in one night... lol. even though it sounds like fun, get your mind right, get your mind focused on what you want for your future. Trust who's gonna want a woman as immature as she is, probably just for sex, and a good head job. She doesnt even sound like she's marriage material. All she does is do the emotional thing because something is broken in her. not you.

 

Time for her to be kicked to the curb. Because even when she had that chance guess what she continued to do wrong. So was that eye opening.

 

Forget her. good luck.

[drmaerdepip]

I work in hospice, and have helped many many people transition from life to death. In helping the people I have, many have allowed me into their personal and private lives. I've seen alot of heartache, alot of relationships end and new ones begin. Most people, when faced with the end of their life have long lists of things that they regret - the majority having to do with immoral and hurtful acts to others. No. one is having affairs that resulted in the demise of their marriage. I can pretty much guarantee that no matter what you did to contribute to the problems in the marriage, nothing that you did warranted an affair. I personally stayed in an abusive marriage - even had bones broken - and did not have an affair. I did get myself a divorce, but I believe that an affair is the ultimate in betrayals. No promises that you didn't fulfill, no grouchiness, mean words, etc. make it ok. What she has done to you is unacceptable and abusive. You have treated her with kindness, support, and love - even when she openly flaunted her affair with another man. So you may have freaked out a time or two...who wouldn't?? How would she have felt if you did the same to her? Why is it ok for one party to feel 'unhappy' and make that an excuse to annihilate the other person's heart?

 

I am very happy that you have taken the steps to end this behaivor. It's not ok, and all that it is going to do is drain you emotionally, physically, and financially until you are a broken man. Don't let her do this to you for one more day! She is not worth it. She is not the same person you fell in love with and you have to stop looking at her that way. The person you fell in love with would never be having phone sex with another man while you cried yourself to sleep in another room, and even when you told her you heard what she said she didn't stop. After she SAW your hurt and pain. What does that tell you??? I have a feeling that if you go back to this relationship, even if she gets rid of OM, you will never, ever get resolution for the pain and hurt she has caused YOU as a result of this affair and blatant disrespect for you as a person. NOBODY deserves this. Look around on these boards...look in the infidelity OM/OW threads - even the people who are serially cheating are not flaunting it in the face of their ex who obviously still loves them. That is just heartless behaivor.

 

You need to get away from this woman who does not seem to care one bit if she ruins you and tears out your heart. What will end up happening if you stay is you will become like a battered wife - empty, no emotions, no will to live, just a robot going through the motions of life. Whenever someone is forced to live in a way that violates their core values, they will feel pain - because your mind wants you to rectify the situation, the pain is there to let you know that this is a situation that needs to be changed! You may think the pain is a signal of the depth of your love for her - and it is, in a way. It symbolizes that you truly loved someone and that the feelings were real. But the pain...that is coming from the result of the relationship imploding...that pain is a result of HER behaivor. The obvious answer may be to run back to her, because that will alleviate the pain...right? That's the logical answer. The truth though, is the pain is ORIGINATING from HER. So going back to the source of the pain, the broken person, is not the answer. The only person that you can trust in this entire world not to hurt you, is YOU. YOU control what you will and will not do you can't control anyone else. No relationship is 100% hurt-proof. People are individuals. Some are broken because of arrested development from abusive childhoods. Some are broken because of unresolved trauma. Some are sociopathic and feel no empathy for anyone. THey can cover it extremely well, and even act as if they do care - but again, ACTIONS speak louder than words. She may be saying certain things to you, but what do her actions tell you? That she cares about your heart? THat she can be trusted? That she has your best interests at heart? Your story is one of the saddest that I've ever read. In alot of ways, I was similar when I was with my ex. I finally got out and the fog cleared and I could not believe that I put up with what I did. Please, do yourself a favor and use this very simple test. Simply try your hardest to be with people who make you feel good right now. If you feel down, dark, confused, etc. around someone, then you know that is not someone you need to be with right now. If that person uplifts you, is positive, supports you, cares for you, HAS A RECIPROCAL relationship (meaning they don't use you, it's not a one-way street), then that person is worth your time and energy.

 

You may have had nine wonderful years with this person. You may have had ups and downs but overall it was good. Nobody is ALL bad - there are some good times and that's what makes it so hard. However, in the recent past, she has changed. SHe does not value what you value any longer. She has broken your marriage vows and she has violated you in ways that are not acceptable. How dare she think she can touch you intimately (as in when she asked for you to take your pants off) when she has violated your heart as she has by cheating on you. By touching you NOW, it will just be cheapening all of the other intimate times you both have shared in the past. I would tell her that you're not comfortable just having sex with 'friends' and especially with someone who is obviously involved with someone else - who she has also been lying to. Whether this guy is a loser, or predator, or whatever, your WIFE has made the decision to keep up the affair. Nobody's tied her up and forced her to talk sexy to him.

 

You have to preserve your own self. Don't let her destroy your faith and trust in the inherent goodness of women. It may seem to all of us here, and it's sometimes hard to believe it, but there are decent people out there. Look at all of the posters here. We've all been lied to, hurt, abandoned, etc. and have come here to support each other. Obviously, we're just a small percentage of the greater population. If 2 out of every 10 people is sociopathic, that still leaves 8 out there that may be ok. Don't let this woman twist you around her finger and make you do things that you will feel will demean you and make you feel ashamed of yourself later. You are doing nothing wrong by loving WHO SHE USED TO BE. She was your wife, the mother of your daughter, and back then, the love was returned. Who she is now is not that person. She may look like her, sound like her, sometimes even act like her - but don't be fooled and believe her words at face value. She needs you financially. She is a fool to think her unemployed phone loser is going to provide for her as you did. Let her feel this, let her figure it out. Get away from her and make sure that you fill the empty space with activity. I would take your daughter with you as well. It is abusive for her mother to lock her door and not give a crap where her kids are or what their needs are. She's the adult, and right now she's behaiving like a spoiled child. I know you are sad, and that's ok. Feel your feelings, let them out, don't feel guilty for the love that you have had. That just shows what a good person you are. She, however, obviously only 'tears up' a little when faced with a song that talks about starting over? Obviously she doesn't feel the depth of the emotions that you feel and why waste anymore of your heart on someone who doesn't care about how they are treating you.

 

I had a patient who was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 24. She was a beautiful, beautiful girl, even without her hair and as sick as she was. Her husband bailed when he found out she was sick because he just 'couldn't handle it'. She found out later that he had been having a phone affair with a girl for about six months before she was diagnosed. This girl went through horrific pain and suffering. As I watched her life slip away,she held my hand and the tears silently fell from her eyes. Her last words were her husband's name and the words, "I love you." I cannot tell you the rage I felt as I looked at this beatiful sweet girl who had done nothing but love someone and dream of having a life with the two of them, starting a family, etc. Seriously, guys, she could have been on the cover of a magazine. But the minute she needed HIM he was gone. At the end, all she wanted was HIM. He wouldn't even come to see her. I remember asking WTF? and How could he do this, etc. and the sad truth is that people CAN and continue to treat others in ways that are just wrong. In this case and in others here on this board, it repeats over and over and over. WE have control only over ourselves. You can't make her come back. You can tell her you loved her, you can know that you did the best you can, and resolve any other issues that you may end up regretting later - definately don't lose your temper or do anything stupid, it's not worth it. The bottom line is loving someone with all of your heart and soul is not wrong. It's not something you need to bury along with all of your hurt and pain. Celebrate that you loved someone. You truly LIVED! Commit to yourself that you will live again..after you get through this pain, and the pain needs to be felt because the relationship was real, you were real. Feel all that you must, but at the end of the day, get up off the floor and choose to LIVE. Let go of those in your life that hold you back and don't embrace true love. You'll recognize them because they'll cheapen sex, they'll hate and hurt others, they'll be filled with anger instead of love. We are only here for such a short time. There are many people out there that would see the things she rips on as strenghts. THere are women out there that would be so appreciative of a man who would marry someone with children from a previous relationship, who has a good education, and lives an honorable and upstanding life - you go to work every single day to provide for her and her children, as well as your daughter and yourself. You've done that for her for nine years. That was one of the ways you showed your love for her. She doesn't deserve to take that money from you anymore, as she cannot even tell you that she is in love with you anymore. You're worth so much more than this!!!! You just need to remember who you are!

[Jonesey]

I think that everyone on this board needs to read the above post before they decide to keep pining, whining and crying over the EX that left them.

 

This was the most eye-opening post I have read on this board since I joined a year ago.....

 

Wake up people!

[LisaUk]

I want to say thank you to dr, for posting that wonderful and heartfelt post. It made me cry this morning, but I am glad it did, it has made me re-exaime the way I am feeling. You are really a most insightful person, thank you for helping me.

[mark982]

dr. you do have a amazing way with words,and insite. i thank you.

[digitalwizard]

Thank you for the highly inspirational post, doctor. I am honored that you would take the time to write such a well thought out message to help me to understand why I'm feeling the way I do. You must be a truly remarkable human being!

 

You know, as I grew up as a kid, I told my parents that I never wanted to get married. I told them that I didn't want kids. However, when I met Teresa she had two kids and I definitely wanted to marry her. Something in me snapped at that point. I realized that I was just being selfish and scared to explore new horizons. She was the first woman I ever wanted to marry and spend the rest of my existence with, both here and in the after life. We were kindred souls, had so much in common that it blew both of our minds, and truly enjoyed one another's company. The problem from the beginning was that I was not very good with kids. I am not affectionate, unfortunately. I tend to keep my emotions buried deep inside and show nobody anything that would allow them to see a weakness. (Perhaps this is from my military life; I don't know). Anyway, I turned out to be a very strict father (or step-father). I found myself being very hard and disciplined on the kids and I would often regret later how hard I treated them, but I could never stop myself. After nine years of dealing with this and me just getting more upset, I don't blame her for wanting to separate from me for a while. I could be a monster; though, never physically. Abuse is abuse, right?

 

This last time that she told me to leave, something inside me snapped like it never had before. As if watching my life through a projector, I could see every terrible act of anger or neglect or whatever that I did. I could see how I absolutely didn't deserve her b/c I never really appreciated her for who/what she was. Nine years and only ONE time on her birthday did I get her something. Granted, it was mostly due to finances, but it is what it is. Nine years and we never went dancing, though she asked me to over and over again, b/c I was embarrassed to dance in public. Nine years and I blew every minute of it with my belly aching and raising my voice and not being understanding. Now that I have had a 'wake up' call and see everything for what it is, it's too late. I'm a firm believer in karma. This is my karma. You can't not appreciate the most important/special person in your life as much as you should for 9 years and expect no back lash. I wish she had found a better man, though. This guy is a ****ing bum. A loser. A dead-beat. A 'one-way ticket to nowhere'.

 

As they say, "I have made my bed", now I have to lie in it. Thanks again, doctor. I'm sure one day your words will ring true inside me, but at this stage I am blinded by love gone wrong. Ouch. All I can see is how I could have prevented all of this by not being so selfish. I hate how hind-sight is 20/20.

 

-Wiz

[2.50 a gallon]

As dr said get active. You are spending / wasting too many hours thinking about her. You have to move on. Force yourself to do something else. Try washing and waxing your car. Excercising. Get a gold fish? Yep, even gold fish need proper care, minutes not thinking about her. Every minute not thinking of her and the black hole is a minute towards healing.

 

On a rating scale, other men in her life, friends, what ever can be rated 1-10, you have a rating in her eyes of minus 1-10, from the way she treats you. You are not going to get to the plus side unless you change.

 

You might not think so, but face the facts it is time you start preparing yourself for the next woman in your life. No big hurry. just tiny steps.

 

You mentioned dancing. A lot men are afraid of looking foolish. Who cares what others think? So you can't dance, women will love you for trying. It is not how good you dance. Music reminds women that they are alive, they don't want to sit on their butts clapping their hands to the beat, they want to get up a celebrate life by dancing, and you can be their partner.

 

I am old enough to remember disco. My friends made fun of me for going. They have no idea what they missed. Think about it, young good looking ladies, drinking and shaking their booties to a sexy beat. Women grab mens bottoms too.

 

Country & Western, have you seen the tight pants they are wearing? Your choice, they can dance with you or some other guy, why not you?

 

Another thought, can you cook? Learn. Why not learn by making chocolate chip cookies with your kids? Even better, pattern cookies that they can decorate. Again, it is minutes / hours that you are not thinking of her.

 

The start of a new you. She still thinks about you. Give her something new to think about.

 

Maybe six months from now, "Who is he dancing with tonight?"

[2.50 a gallon]

As dr said get active. You are spending / wasting too many hours thinking about her. You have to move on. Force yourself to do something else. Try washing and waxing your car. Excercising. Get a gold fish? Yep, even gold fish need proper care, minutes not thinking about her. Every minute not thinking of her and the black hole is a minute towards healing.

 

On a rating scale, other men in her life, friends, what ever can be rated 1-10, you have a rating in her eyes of minus 1-10, from the way she treats you. You are not going to get to the plus side unless you change.

 

You might not think so, but face the facts it is time you start preparing yourself for the next woman in your life. No big hurry. just tiny steps.

 

You mentioned dancing. A lot men are afraid of looking foolish. Who cares what others think? So you can't dance, women will love you for trying. It is not how good you dance. Music reminds women that they are alive, they don't want to sit on their butts clapping their hands to the beat, they want to get up a celebrate life by dancing, and you can be their partner.

 

I am old enough to remember disco. My friends made fun of me for going. They have no idea what they missed. Think about it, young good looking ladies, drinking and shaking their booties to a sexy beat. Women grab mens bottoms too.

 

Country & Western, have you seen the tight pants they are wearing? Your choice, they can dance with you or some other guy, why not you?

 

Another thought, can you cook? Learn. Why not learn by making chocolate chip cookies with your kids? Even better, pattern cookies that they can decorate. Again, it is minutes / hours that you are not thinking of her.

 

The start of a new you. She still thinks about you. Give her something new to think about.

 

Maybe six months from now, "Who is he dancing with tonight?"

[LisaUk]

Thank you for the highly inspirational post, doctor. I am honored that you would take the time to write such a well thought out message to help me to understand why I'm feeling the way I do. You must be a truly remarkable human being!

 

You know, as I grew up as a kid, I told my parents that I never wanted to get married. I told them that I didn't want kids. However, when I met Teresa she had two kids and I definitely wanted to marry her. Something in me snapped at that point. I realized that I was just being selfish and scared to explore new horizons. She was the first woman I ever wanted to marry and spend the rest of my existence with, both here and in the after life. We were kindred souls, had so much in common that it blew both of our minds, and truly enjoyed one another's company. The problem from the beginning was that I was not very good with kids. I am not affectionate, unfortunately. I tend to keep my emotions buried deep inside and show nobody anything that would allow them to see a weakness. (Perhaps this is from my military life; I don't know). Anyway, I turned out to be a very strict father (or step-father). I found myself being very hard and disciplined on the kids and I would often regret later how hard I treated them, but I could never stop myself. After nine years of dealing with this and me just getting more upset, I don't blame her for wanting to separate from me for a while. I could be a monster; though, never physically. Abuse is abuse, right?

 

This last time that she told me to leave, something inside me snapped like it never had before. As if watching my life through a projector, I could see every terrible act of anger or neglect or whatever that I did. I could see how I absolutely didn't deserve her b/c I never really appreciated her for who/what she was. Nine years and only ONE time on her birthday did I get her something. Granted, it was mostly due to finances, but it is what it is. Nine years and we never went dancing, though she asked me to over and over again, b/c I was embarrassed to dance in public. Nine years and I blew every minute of it with my belly aching and raising my voice and not being understanding. Now that I have had a 'wake up' call and see everything for what it is, it's too late. I'm a firm believer in karma. This is my karma. You can't not appreciate the most important/special person in your life as much as you should for 9 years and expect no back lash. I wish she had found a better man, though. This guy is a ****ing bum. A loser. A dead-beat. A 'one-way ticket to nowhere'.

 

As they say, "I have made my bed", now I have to lie in it. Thanks again, doctor. I'm sure one day your words will ring true inside me, but at this stage I am blinded by love gone wrong. Ouch. All I can see is how I could have prevented all of this by not being so selfish. I hate how hind-sight is 20/20.

 

-Wiz

 

We all do things that we later regret, the point is that she did not tell you how she was feeling, instead she chosse to have an affair. On top of that she has treated you with total disrespect. There is no excuse for having an affair, if she was unhappy she should have said so, not transferred her emotion to another man and then rubbed your face in it.

 

If you really think you were emotionaly abusive to the children, then that is something that you do need to work on and get help for, but aside from that, yes not getting her a pressie on her birthday is insensitive, but that is all it is, it does not justify what she has done to you and you did not deserve to be treated this way.

[TrustInYourself]

Thank you for the highly inspirational post, doctor. I am honored that you would take the time to write such a well thought out message to help me to understand why I'm feeling the way I do. You must be a truly remarkable human being!

 

You know, as I grew up as a kid, I told my parents that I never wanted to get married. I told them that I didn't want kids. However, when I met Teresa she had two kids and I definitely wanted to marry her. Something in me snapped at that point. I realized that I was just being selfish and scared to explore new horizons. She was the first woman I ever wanted to marry and spend the rest of my existence with, both here and in the after life. We were kindred souls, had so much in common that it blew both of our minds, and truly enjoyed one another's company. The problem from the beginning was that I was not very good with kids. I am not affectionate, unfortunately. I tend to keep my emotions buried deep inside and show nobody anything that would allow them to see a weakness. (Perhaps this is from my military life; I don't know). Anyway, I turned out to be a very strict father (or step-father). I found myself being very hard and disciplined on the kids and I would often regret later how hard I treated them, but I could never stop myself. After nine years of dealing with this and me just getting more upset, I don't blame her for wanting to separate from me for a while. I could be a monster; though, never physically. Abuse is abuse, right?

 

This last time that she told me to leave, something inside me snapped like it never had before. As if watching my life through a projector, I could see every terrible act of anger or neglect or whatever that I did. I could see how I absolutely didn't deserve her b/c I never really appreciated her for who/what she was. Nine years and only ONE time on her birthday did I get her something. Granted, it was mostly due to finances, but it is what it is. Nine years and we never went dancing, though she asked me to over and over again, b/c I was embarrassed to dance in public. Nine years and I blew every minute of it with my belly aching and raising my voice and not being understanding. Now that I have had a 'wake up' call and see everything for what it is, it's too late. I'm a firm believer in karma. This is my karma. You can't not appreciate the most important/special person in your life as much as you should for 9 years and expect no back lash. I wish she had found a better man, though. This guy is a ****ing bum. A loser. A dead-beat. A 'one-way ticket to nowhere'.

 

As they say, "I have made my bed", now I have to lie in it. Thanks again, doctor. I'm sure one day your words will ring true inside me, but at this stage I am blinded by love gone wrong. Ouch. All I can see is how I could have prevented all of this by not being so selfish. I hate how hind-sight is 20/20.

 

-Wiz

 

There is no school that teaches people how to be married. You made mistakes. We all do. If you were still with her at this moment, you would still be making mistakes.

 

Do not judge yourself too harshly on something you did not decide. This was not your choice. This was her choice and you can either fight it and refuse to accept it, revel in the agony of lost love. Or you can slowly come to terms with the whole situation. You are not entirely to blame here.

 

My number one advice is to get out and get active once you come to terms with your emotions. Talk to people. Best of luck.

[digitalwizard]

Thank you EVERYONE for all the support and words of encouragement/tough love. I am going to take a break from this forum for a few days, maybe a week, and try to get on with life a bit. I'll post an update in a few days.

 

Note: Teresa called and left a message on my voice mail this morning. She is telling me that she hasn't talked to 'him' in 2 days and that she has setup a decoy account in Rock Band to see if he flirts with her as another girl. I broke NC, sorta, by responding with a text a few hours later. In the text I said, "Sorry that you waited too long to realize that." I haven't heard anything else.

 

-Wiz

[MrMayI]

Thank you EVERYONE for all the support and words of encouragement/tough love. I am going to take a break from this forum for a few days, maybe a week, and try to get on with life a bit. I'll post an update in a few days.

 

Note: Teresa called and left a message on my voice mail this morning. She is telling me that she hasn't talked to 'him' in 2 days and that she has setup a decoy account in Rock Band to see if he flirts with her as another girl. I broke NC, sorta, by responding with a text a few hours later. In the text I said, "Sorry that you waited too long to realize that." I haven't heard anything else.

 

-Wiz

 

she should completely cancel that account and not get back on, or it doesn't matter. so what? she'll give him the ol' "HAHA! CAUGHT YOU MOTHERF***ER" if he does flirt, or she'll be sooooo happy he didn't take the bait. either way, it's just another mindf**k for you. please stay NC with this lady as much as possible, wiz.

[LisaUk]

Thank you EVERYONE for all the support and words of encouragement/tough love. I am going to take a break from this forum for a few days, maybe a week, and try to get on with life a bit. I'll post an update in a few days.

 

Note: Teresa called and left a message on my voice mail this morning. She is telling me that she hasn't talked to 'him' in 2 days and that she has setup a decoy account in Rock Band to see if he flirts with her as another girl. I broke NC, sorta, by responding with a text a few hours later. In the text I said, "Sorry that you waited too long to realize that." I haven't heard anything else.

 

-Wiz

 

What she is essentially saying is that she wants to see if he is worth losing you for. This is not the same as chossing you for you and admiting that her behaviour is unacceptable. I understand your urge to break NC and although you came back with a disparerging (sp) remark, don't you think if you had ignored her completely that would of made her sit up and take notice more?

 

I do know most of the posts I leave you involve tough love, but that is only because I can see how badly your w is treating you. I do understand how difficult it is for you to accept that and how much this all hurts, I mean hell I was a f******g doormat when my ex walked. Didn't sleep, eat for months. What I'm saying is I don't want to come across as harsh, I do understand that you love her and I know you want this to work out with her more than anything, I just don't like seeing someone hurt like this.

Look forward to you posting again soon, go out enjoy yourself, getting on with your life is the most positive thing you can do.

[digitalwizard]

I'm still at work this evening and it is thundering outside just as it thundering inside. So, I figured I'd do another post since I have nothing better to do than wait for things to print.

 

When I first started this NC, I was gung ho and full of anger, piss, and vinegar and ready to make her suffer. Yet, each day that goes by is worse. I get more lonely and feel more detached from reality. When I got that text, it was a connection with her. In my twisted mind, it told me that she was thinking about me. I felt my heart flutter when the text sound came over my phone b/c I knew it was her. I had a million other things that I wanted to say, that would have basically put me back in the passenger seat again, but I didn't. I held my tongue from sending those words. Instead, I made her think that I didn't care. Honestly, it was VERY difficult! All I could think of was, "You dope. She's reaching out to you finally and you are pushing her away. Maybe she's sorry; maybe she realizes what she's done."

 

Of course, I agree with you, LisaUK, I should have probably not responded at all. It may have made her jealous, or start to wonder where I was and what I was doing that I didn't respond. I regret that now. I am just like you in so many ways; in fact, it's probably a normal process. When we first separated, I was sick to my stomach 24/7. I went days with absolutely no sleep, wanting to rip my brain out b/c it wouldn't shut the hell up! I was in such a state of depression that all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and mope, bitching to whoever would listen. I went meal after meal without eating and I'm already pretty skinny (145lbs @ 6'2"). (In fact, I haven't eaten supper the last 5 days.) I felt like life was over & there was absolutely nothing worth living for.

 

As time passed, and I went on the rollercoaster ride of emotions with her over the past 3 months, it would get better and I'd have hope then it would be dashed and I'd be ultimately depressed again. Each time I sank deeper into the pit and had to try harder to claw my way out. This may sound naive or even superficial, but I thought if I could just get her to sleep with me (not sleep) that I could show her how much I loved her still and remind her of our times together. I was obviously wrong about that. There was a few times where we'd cuddle for a while afterward before falling to sleep, but generally she'd roll-over and the next morning was like nothing even happened. It killed me inside to be so intimately close to her the night before and be so damned far away the next day. The cycle repeated over and over, but I just kept holding on like a kid trying to grab at a balloon that is floating away.

 

One night, the first night that I found out she was talking intimately to this guy, I fell on the floor in the kitchen sobbing like someone had died and she layed on the couch complaining cause she couldn't sleep. Granted, she had been sick with Bronchitis for 3 weeks and bed-ridden most of it, and yours truly did all of the caring for her. She kept saying, "Thomas, remember when you worked for Jerry and he was brainwashing you? I begged you over and over; I pleaded; I cried...and you didn't listen."

 

There was one time of consistancy, though. She got some Tramadol from the doctor for migraines and RLS(restless leg syndrome) and when she was taking that it seemed to make her have a sunny disposition. She was nice for much longer periods of time, let me sleep over several nights in a row, etc.

 

As soon as the meds ran out, so did the sweetness. This is one of the reasons that I believe she has a chemical or emotional imbalance of some sort. And this is also why I don't hate her b/c inside I know that it's not completely her doing all of this. If she could see outside of herself, she wouldn't be doing this, but she's got blinders on. I know that she is willingly wearing them, but just the same I know what that is like, too. I was 'seduced' by success at one point and it's very hard to see the reality from the fantasy when your mind is warped like that.

 

Now, I find myself wondering what she's thinking. If she DID find him online and he DID start flirting with her as someone else. A day before I started the NC, I asked her if she would at least go to marriage counseling. She didn't say 'no', but she didn't say 'yes', either. Every other time she had said 'no'.

 

The bottom line is there is nothing under the sun that she can do that I would not forgive her for. If she ever comes around to her senses and realizes exactly what she's been doing, I believe that she will be completely remorseful and beg me for forgiveness as I have been begging her to take me back up until recently, and I WILL FORGIVE HER. I understand that many of you, if not, all of you, wouldn't be able to do that, but I can. I can't help it; My love for her is absolutely unconditional! There are no conditions; there is no, "but you did this..." The definition of "unconditional" is 'without conditions'. And, as she always has in the past, she will work to no end to make me happy and satisfied, but the difference is that this time (if there is a 'this time') I will not be the ungrateful, unappreciative ******* that she knew.

 

I will continue the NC, though, as it has obviously got her to thinking. As far as moving on; I'll wait until I hear she has, first. Maybe I'm destined for a road of pain and misery by waiting for her, but I guess that's a chance I'm willing to risk...

 

If only, right? If only....

 

-Wiz

 

P.S. In some earlier posts, people made comments about me being 'controlled by sex', but that is absolutely not the case. I have been absolutely ABSTANANT (spelling) for a long period of time. This is not at all about sex, or physical pleasure. If that was the case, I could go find an ex-girlfriend or something. It goes far deeper than I could even try to explain. So, please, don't misunderstand my motives or reasons. I am not wanting her back b/c she ****ed me good for 9 years.

 

I'm sure a lot of you are fed up with me and my unwillingness to let go. I understand that. All I can say is that I only hope you find out what I'm talking about some day. Peace for now....

[Surfer Girl]

I feel your pain.... With NC... it is a very painful process that changes your whole world.... Feeling the quick fix of being in the relationship is a way to subside the pain for the moment..... but I am sure your turmoil with the OM is all consuming..... Once you can do NC for a period of time, perhaps you can recognize more about the relationship from an outside perspective.... it really does give you that time to recognize the relationship for what it is and you can breathe a little easier trying to focus on what you need to do....

[hopesndreams]

she should completely cancel that account and not get back on, or it doesn't matter. so what? she'll give him the ol' "HAHA! CAUGHT YOU MOTHERF***ER" if he does flirt, or she'll be sooooo happy he didn't take the bait. either way, it's just another mindf**k for you. please stay NC with this lady as much as possible, wiz.

 

Couldn't have said it better.

[hopesndreams]

P.S. In some earlier posts, people made comments about me being 'controlled by sex', but that is absolutely not the case. I have been absolutely ABSTANANT (spelling) for a long period of time. This is not at all about sex, or physical pleasure. If that was the case, I could go find an ex-girlfriend or something. It goes far deeper than I could even try to explain. So, please, don't misunderstand my motives or reasons. I am not wanting her back b/c she ****ed me good for 9 years.

No one with half a brain thinks that. For those that do, who gives a f*ck.

 

Put plenty of distance between you and her. It gives you the chance to see her with different eyes. You are too emotionally wrapped up in her, she is your addiction. She is harmful to you, very much so.

[digitalwizard]

I am putting distance; that is what the NC is for, right? All I'm saying is I'm not gonna' try to move on. I'm going to just get myself together and figure my life out as it is right now. She isn't a part of it, at the moment, but that doesn't mean I won't leave a space for her. I do see what you are saying, though. At the moment, my mind and my emotions are not my own. Well, sort of. If I back up and look at everything through clear eyes, I will understand everything better. I get that. That is what I am trying to do. However, at this exact point, I am not moving on without her. If that makes sense. I dunno if that is going to inhibit my "seeing things clearly" or not. I guess time will tell.

 

I'm going to do what I said earlier and take some time away from everything, except work, that is. I just want to get away from reality for a while and try to escape into myself a little bit. I don't have very many friends; I'm not a very outgoing guy. We had/have a few friends that we knew together, but they more hers than mine. I'm more of a loner, except her. She was the only company I really enjoyed. Sad, but true. Hell, I met her online for God's sake. I'm not a people person.

 

-Wiz

 

-Wiz

[hopesndreams]

You are getting there Wiz. You have puts lots of effort in. Hopefully, you will see the results in a few weeks. Give it that long, ok? Don't cave!!!! Coz if you do cave, you will be back to square one, and no one wants that.

[digitalwitch]

I just wanted to post here and add a few details so that things would be clear and you would actually have some of both side to the situation you are making assumptions on.

I have been working on leaving my husband for about six months and never even thought about cheating on him. You should know a few of the major reasons that I told him it was over.

1) he has anger problems, and here are a few examples:

Thomas has become so upset that he has slapped me before causing my ear to ring for around 30 minutes. He has put his hands around my neck, and also grabbed me with both hands and threw me down on the bed. One day when I came home from the store I found my two children screaming and crying, when I found them they had there hands and feet bound with tape. He had made them put there arms and legs through the posts at the landing of the staircase and taped there hands and feet together so that they could not get out. On two occasions he threw my oldest daughter into the wall, once leaving a golf ball size knot on her head.

2) Our youngest daughters self esteem. When you start hearing your daughter telling people how stupid and worthless she is because her daddy (Thomas to everyone here) told her so it will tear your heart out.

The final straw was when my best friend lost her four year old because he was ran over by her fathers truck I started to wonder what the baby was thinking before he died. Then I started thinking about if I lost one of my children I don't know if I could get over it. When I started wondering what our little girl's last thoughts would be I realized that they could very well be that she was worthless and stupid. It is also important to point out that any time I would talk about leaving the kids with Thomas while I went to the store they would protest and the youngest would start crying about being left with him. One day we had to call 911 and while they were at the house and she was told she would stay with Thomas she got upset and said "but he will hurt me".

I decided that I had to try to move on for the kids sake.

3) I needed a husband and father that me and the kids would not have to worry about upsetting all the time. It had gotten to the point that we had to hide even the little things from so he would not get upset.

Now that is not to say that we did not do things to evoke his anger, but it's like what you are saying here about me.

There is nothing that can ever justify this kind of behavior.

Now the final thing I want to point out is that I have not met the "OM" in person and I never even talked to him on the phone until Thomas had moved out and I had every intention of filing for a divorce.

When he moved back in it was because he could not live at his parents house anymore and he had no other place to go. Also, the "BILLS" he was "HELPING" to pay are debts that we owe together.

We were talking about getting back together and one of my conditions was going to anger management, which he has yet to do in the months we have not been together. He did have an appointment for the first visit but neither of us had the money for the appointment so he canceled it. None of the money I have has gone to anything other than paying OUR bills and me giving him cash when he asked for it.

Not that I think any of this will matter as you all have me pegged as a cheating witch who is using Thomas, but I thought anyone who is giving a stranger advice would want both sides of the story so that they can give more accurate advice.

Like pushing anger management advice so that we would not have to worry about him blowing up if we do give it one more try. Which no one here has stressed, even when he told you he had hurt the children before. I would think PPL here would have suggested AM at least for his and the children sake, if never for mine.

Thank you for hearing my side.

DigitalWitch

[hopesndreams]

My suggestion, DW, is to get your own thread if you are looking for advice.

[tojaz]

My suggestion, DW, is to get your own thread if you are looking for advice.

 

I don't think shes looking for advice H&D, it sounds to me that she is trying to justify her actions.

 

Witch and Wiz, I'm no fly on the wall, but it sounds like you both have behaved unhealthily through most of this.

 

Wiz, if what she says is true, AM and IC should both be in your future, do it for you and your kids. I'd like to hear your side of tying the kids up. Unacceptable if it went down like she says.

 

Witch, if you can isolate his problems so readily, why not help him to conquer them in stead of rubbing the OM in his face. From what Wiz has posted previously, you don't sound like you've been trying to leave him very hard.

 

Fact of the matter is, you both share the blame in this. If it is to work, you both need to shoulder the load to repairing it rather then playing these games. It's going to hurt you both more in the end, and it will hurt the kids to watch it.

 

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

P.S. In some earlier posts, people made comments about me being 'controlled by sex', but that is absolutely not the case. I have been absolutely ABSTANANT (spelling) for a long period of time. This is not at all about sex, or physical pleasure. If that was the case, I could go find an ex-girlfriend or something. It goes far deeper than I could even try to explain. So, please, don't misunderstand my motives or reasons. I am not wanting her back b/c she ****ed me good for 9 years.

 

I'm sure a lot of you are fed up with me and my unwillingness to let go. I understand that. All I can say is that I only hope you find out what I'm talking about some day. Peace for now....

 

I never meant to cause any offense with my post. I did not mean to imply that you only wanted her for sex, what I meant was that she used it as a way to influence and control you. You describe one occasion when she came into your room whilst you were crying and asked you to remove your pants. To me that was a way of manipulating your emotional response to her behaviour. Just for the record, I am well awarre of the pain of your situation, my ex of 18 years has b******d off as well you know.