Things have changed a bit...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Master manipulator, she is. I'm sure she will cry and say "I'm a bitch/slut/etc." and she knows you will hold her, comfort her, protect her and defend her honor. Once she has you firmly on her side, then she will convince you that none of us make sense - that "they don't know me like you do" and so on, and so forth. Then, it will be time for the next OM fix. Wash, rinse, repeat. She'll do or say whatever it takes to make sure she can keep both her security blanket and wallet holder, and her OM.

 

I'm not telling you this as some bitter angry woman. I'm telling you as a woman who was a master at manipulation, a chronic cheater, and a masterful gaslighter. I recognize what she is doing. Its clear to me, anyway.

 

You have become her father, more or less. She knows she can f*ck up in a myriad of ways and you'll always be there for her anyway. Her OM is her lover. You can expect that as long as you are with her, you will suffer in this same way.

 

She has you locked in. You have the key to the prison right there in your hand. You have only to open your hand and see it.

[mark982]

digital, that was a half azzed compliment i gave you. seeing as you don't want to alivate yourself of her total disrespect of you. you're going to have to make her life hard. you say om don't know you still live w/ her? well it's time you tell him. then you said you don't have the nerve to "off yourself' (your words) there isn't no woman worth ending your live over. there is a fine line to wanting to keep your marriage together, and becoming a wimp,and buddy you've crossed that line. this path you're currently taking is not working,which you'll have to agree with. so you're going to have to step it up, and if you pizz her of--oh well. stop giving her $$,take her cell phone off her, the ONLY way you're going to get her back is to become a man again. kinda hard for her to respect someone she can walk all over. your laid back aproach is not working.

[seibert253]

I don't say this out of spite or being an azz, but someone needs to smack you with a reality 2X4, so here it goes.

 

She will continue to walk all over you, treat you with disrespect and contentment, as long as you allow her. Talk to the OM while you're up in your bedroom, and you confront her and she still does this. WTF. I'm sorry, but if my wife did that, when she got home from work she'd find her sh%t out on the sidewalk.

 

I don't want to hear I can't do this, or I'm weak. Bullcrap. You are not. She's having an A, and you're worried she won't be able to pay bills?

 

We've all been telling you this, but for some reason you're just not getting it. THIS IS NOW ABOUT YOU, NOT HER. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings, why do you care about hers?

 

You need to do what is right and best for you. Letting your wife walk all over you and treat you like sh#t is not in your best interest. If you are not familar with the term cuckold, look it up. That's where you're headed if you allow this to continue. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

First order of business for you should be to end the A. There's a number of different approaches, but the plan A, love her to death plan is not working. Therefore you need to throw that one out the window.

THIS IS A WAR FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. As in war, if one tactic isn't working, then you change stratagies. If you love your wife, and there is no doubt among us you do, then you need to fight for her. In war, you fight to win, not fight to be nice.

 

OK, now what? Well if you research you will learn that many here made the same mistakes you have, but had to change tactics. It's that time.

 

Like you, I tried the plan A approach and fell flat on my face. Finally I had to draw the line in the sand and say, enough is enough. Choose, him or me. Me, stay and work on repairing this, him, you've got 5 days to be gone.

 

It's hard, but if you haven't you need to start the 180 right now. Read up on it. Eventually you are going to have confront her and give her the choice, him or me.

[hopesndreams]

The problem is that I need to be able to function through all the pain of leaving her. When we are apart for one day it almost kills me. I can't think or function. I am web developer and have to focus 100% all day long. At least while I endure THIS pain, I have the "I'm gonna see her tonight" to look forward to that gets me through the day. I know it's messed up, but it's the reality of it. I am empty inside, a walking shell of a human being, but I am alive again for the few moments I spend with her and she is warm to me. I'm going to try NC in the house. I know that is probably an oxymoron, but through the week I work from 12p to 8:30p so I can wake up late and come home and go right upstairs. Eventually she'll start getting bothered that I'm not talking to her and ****. Or am I just dreaming?

 

You will be able to function without her, and in time, you will function so much better than you ever have before. Have some faith in yourself, give yourself some credit. What if she were to die tomorrow? Life goes on, with or without her! Believe it! Yes, it hurts, but you work through the pain and make yourself a better person. You are disrespecting yourself by putting up with all her crap. She says she's a bitch. Dang right she is! She's also proud of that fact. She won't change into the person she once was. She's has gotten away with far too much with you. Time for you to say NO MORE, and mean it. That could be a chance, albeit a slim one, for her to CHANGE. As it stands now, you will just get more of the same for as long as she wants to play you.

You know what drives me the most crazy? HOW the hell could she be so close to me just 3 or 4 days ago that she would literally come to bed early and WANT to spend time with me. She would do things with me that up until then had become a forgotten memory. How can she go from being that close, calling me "Daddy" (sorry for the details, but it's important) and being my submissive lil girl again? (No I'm not a pedophile) The next day it was all but gone. We haven't so much as 'fooled around' in about 4 nights. It just ENDED, like that, as soon as it started. THAT is what confuses me! If I could understand that, my mind would be at greater ease. THAT is what makes me so crazy.

 

She is playing you. Manipulating you. And, sadly, she is loving every moment of it.

 

A nervous breakdown approaches....

 

 

-Wiz

 

Continue on with this, and that might just happen. Do not let her have such a power. Love yourself more than you love her.

[digitalwizard]

She came up last night after storming off, around 4am, to grab the fan, her pillow and her meds for sleeping. I was sleeping, but for some reason was woken up instantly as soon as the fan turned off. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "What do you think?" (or something like that) and proceeded out the door and down the stairs. I followed her a few moments later to talk with her. She told me I could sleep with her downstairs on the hide-a-bed, so I did. We ended up talking for about 2 hours. In the end, we ended up here:

 

1. She is going to tell the OM that I am living here. She said that she will not make me leave or move out, even if he begs her to. She thinks that when she tells him that I am living there that it will be over between them and he will walk away, not wanting competition. (I don't know about that myself).

 

2. We need each other. She needs me for financial support/stability and I need her for a place to live. (Was staying with my folks, but that went south. Long story.)

 

3. We are going to be friends and start from there. She said that the stuff that took place while he was out of the picture those few days was "friends being intimate". I thought that was a start, so I am cool with that. She said she doesn't know yet that she can trust me and I am going to have to prove it to her. She said that I am going to have to be able to live with her and not push for our relationship to be healed, but let it take its course.

 

4. Our relationship takes a second priority to the kids, finances, bills, moving, etc. She basically wants to live together as friends and start there. Over time, I will be able to prove to her that she can trust me & that the broken promises of the past are just that...the past.

 

Now, there is a possibility that the OM doesn't leave or stop talking to her even though I'm living there. If that happens, I guess I'm supposed to be okay with it and understand. I don't know exactly; it was around 5:30a or so when this part of the convo took place and after two consec nights with about 2 hrs of sleep total, I was starting to drift in and out of consciousness. Personally, I think that he will leave; he's out for one thing and if he assumes that I'm getting it and he's not, he'll pop smoke. At least, I hope so. If I was the OM and my girl's husband came back to live with her, I'd either REALLY turn on the charm or cut the relationship. More than likely cut the relationship. Once he's out of the picture, I will no longer have the pressure of trying to compete with him and I can relax and not put so much pressure on her. We can work on things slowly and start-over from the very beginning. If nothing ever develops, at least I will know that I gave my damnedest.

 

What do you all think? Is this a reasonable offer? Should I be content and go from here or am I still being a door mat? I don't know how I convinced her to tell him, but she said she would.

 

-Wiz

[SRV]

I did not believe what I just read here

 

OMG....damn!!!!! MAN THE F..K UP!

 

She is treating you like crap, disrespecting you BECAUSE SHE CAN and BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING HER.

 

As cold as this may sound, the first mistake you did was move back in with her, second mistake you are making is supporting her affair. Let her know what it is to live on $500 a month. F... it, let her move to MS, she does not care about you, why would you care for her?

 

Sorry, I am just mad that you are putting yourself through this.

 

Forget her, the woman you knew as your wife died the moment she started the affair and started blatantly disrespecting you without a care in the world.

[mark982]

what she's thinking is"this guys getting tired of my crap" so she's throwing you a bone.saying she won't throw you out--lady you're the one having a affair,you gotta go. damn man somethings wrong here. you say,even if he's not outta the picture,i guess i'll have to put up with it. what are you f ing nuts? YOU hold the cards here, not her. what's it going to take to get that through your head? buddy i'm not tring to knock you, so please don't take it that way,but you've got some serious self esteem problems,if you didn't you'd reach down grab the pair you were born with,and settle this once and forall. she doesn't have money without you. stop the money flow and see what happens. dang man you're doing all us men a diservice here.

[SRV]

, "What do you think?"

 

Wow, when a woman respects you, she does not address you, especially her husband in a manner as above especially if there should be any hope for reconciliation.

 

(or something like that) and proceeded out the door and down the stairs. I followed her a few moments later to talk with her.

 

You need to stop following around the house, please read up on the 180, damn.

 

1. She is going to tell the OM that I am living here.

 

She is throwing you breadcrumbs, she is blatantly lying to you, this won't happen and even if she does, she will sugar coat it to suit her affair.

 

She said that she will not make me leave or move out, even if he begs her to.

 

I would look for a place far away from this woman, don't you have friends that can help you out during this difficult time?

 

2. We need each other. She needs me for financial support/stability and I need her for a place to live. (Was staying with my folks, but that went south. Long story.)

 

3. We are going to be friends and start from there.

 

She is trying to mitigate her guilt, she is trying to let you off easy as she plans and strategizes her next move, I hope you can see this and you following for her plan and options.

 

 

4. Our relationship takes a second priority to the kids, finances, bills, moving, etc. She basically wants to live together as friends and start there. Over time, I will be able to prove to her that she can trust me & that the broken promises of the past are just that...the past.

 

I can bet you a $1000 bucks that this will not happen. Your wife has already "checked out" emotionally. Please read the threads on the board about infidelity and recapturing the spark for the BS.

 

 

 

What do you all think? Is this a reasonable offer? Should I be content and go from here or am I still being a door mat? I don't know how I convinced her to tell him, but she said she would.

 

The way you are approaching and dealing with her affair, the odds are stacked against you, sorry!

 

-Wiz

 

You were fine before you met her, you will be fine after her. You really need to plan and strategize and get you nuts back first before even planning.

[digitalwizard]

Dammit. I hate that I've let myself sink to this level. I can't believe the spell she has on me. In about a week, we are planning on moving to a more affordable place. Once we move in and get settled a bit and she thinks everything is fine, I will drop the ball. Him or me? If she still says him, then I'll lose her back to MS. She'll be living with her mom (a pretty fundamental Christian) and she will never let her talk to another guy as long as we are still married. She won't be able to afford a divorce. Hell, she won't be able to afford to move. She'll have to either choose the street with 3 kids or work it out with me. I've asked if she'd go to MC and she says 'No'. I've asked if she'd go to general counseling just for her and her personality/attitude and she says 'No'. I do EVERYTHING for her. I mean, I am there for her every second of every day...PERIOD. I feel like telling her to call his ass and have him do the **** for her. I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I have to just leave and take what happens.

 

Every time she mentions/threatens to move back to MS, she says that it would be miserable. She can't pay her cell phone bill; she can't pay her electricity; she can't pay her cable/internet. She would be absolutely without any form of entertainment and NO way to contact OM at all. The problem is her job relies on her cell and if we worked it out somehow, I'd hate for her to lose her job. Part of me wants to draw the line, tell her 'him or me' and walk out the door, but the other part thinks about how miserable *I* would be while waiting for her to either crack and give in or actually follow through and move to MS. She'd be calling me and talking about how depressed she is and how this is so bad and she can't pay that. How the hell do I put up with that?

 

There is no easy way out of this, I guess. Either way leads to some pain and some destruction. I'll wait and see tonight if she actually tells him I'm living there. Up until now I have felt like a prisoner in my own home. I have to be quiet like a lil ****ing kid when she's online with him and I have to stay downstairs if she goes upstairs to call during the day. I don't, of course. I'll bug her nonstop until she gets off the phone. I pester her and drive her crazy until she finally hangs up. She is SO afraid that he's gonna hear my voice or hear one of the kids say, "Dad!"

 

The other night, she was online with him and Julia came downstairs and asked to sleep on the couch. Teresa said, "No, go back upstairs or something." And Julia said something along the lines of "I want to sleep in your bed, but DAD is in your bed!" I can't believe he didn't hear that. Teresa was furious. I can't believe she is asking her kids to be like this. They see her loving with me at times and then calling him. I can't imagine what is going thru THEIR minds. Should I call the OM? What's the worst that could happen? She kicks me out? That would be a nail in her coffin, I would think. I want so bad to tell that mother ****er that I've been living here, supporting her, doing everything for her while his jobless bum ass doesn't do ****. I want him to have to feel the fear and dread and depression that I've been feeling. I want him to go into panic mode. I dunno. I think I am pretty close to fed up with it all. I think I may have finally reached the point where I can do what it takes. We'll see.

 

-Wiz

[SRV]

You are trying to manipulate her as she is doing the same to you.

 

DO NOT move with her. You need to look out for your kids. Look to move to a place on your own, that is affordable to you and can cater to your kids needs, that's all you need to worry about at this point.

 

Call her out on her bluff about moving to MS, you also need to stop talking to her about the marriage until the OM is totally out of the picture, you doing this is like chasing airs in the wind.

 

Your rationale is that by doing the things you did for her prior to her affair, helping her financially, pay her bills et al will pull favor with her and make her want to try to work out the marriage or stop the affair? Trust me, it is working against you. You already know what needs to be done.

 

"Part of me wants to draw the line, tell her 'him or me' and walk out the door, but the other part thinks about how miserable *I* would be while waiting for her to either crack and give in or actually follow through and move to MS."

 

She already made that choice, the OM, that's why she is disregarding you, actions speak louder than words. No need to call the OM, what do you intend to achieve by the call? Remember it takes two, he did not coerce your wife. That's a waste of your time, and also considering that he lives out of state.

 

Wow, ...I'm speechless ..........

[Shockedhusband]

Seriously.........I can't believe I just read all of your posts and you are still with this woman.

 

MAN THE F-UP and drop her **** on the front porch.

 

She is playing you for a fool over and over again, nothing is going to change at all ever with her.

 

No disrespect but do you have a pair of balls?

 

I made some stupid decisions when I found out my wife was in an emotional affair but damn. You said you are a computer programmer and tend to think logically......you thought process on all of this is so far from logical its laughable.

 

You say that if you kicked her out she wouldn't have any way to support herself. She clearly hasn't been thinking about your well being this whole time so why should you think about hers.

 

Come on man wake up and smell the roses, if I could reach through the computer to punch you in the face I would...just to wake your ass up

[delajoonal]

wow! ok, so i am not going to be as harsh as Shocked., maybe cause i am a girl? men i guess can be a little more tough on each other, i get it;)

 

...but i do think you should try NC...BIG TIME! just for 24 hours at least....and see how you do...then add another day, etc....i can say from experience...its VERY hard to do...BUT..the results are...

your head has time and space to clear out ..like stepping out this box you are in and seeing WHAT is REALLY going on in your heart and mind?

 

just my thought...

 

good luck, K:)

[digitalwizard]

It's a bit more complicated than just NC and not seeing her anymore or even not moving to other place with her. Whether as a friend or a wife again, I need her also financially. Together, our income is pretty good; enough to get by, at least. But separate I will struggle, too. My wages are currently being garnished due to a hospital bill that went unpaid. And they aren't being modest either; they went after good chunk of my pay check--the bastards. Anyway, it may just come down to that I have to accept that we are only ever gonna be just friends (every once in a while, friends with intimacy) for awhile, if not forever. The only thing I care about, honestly, is that the OM be out of the picture. I could stay with her as a friend as long as the OM isn't on the other side getting 'loving'. She told me this morning that she cut off phone sex with him and that's why she cut off 'physical contact' with me, as well. She said if he isn't getting anything more than friend conversation then I shouldn't either. Whatever. It's not like the OM has been paying her bills, shopping with her, and taking her to the flippin' doctors. All he does is talk to her and play RB. I do all the ****ing real work.

 

I even tried explaining to her that our connection is going to be a lot more distorted b/c we have real life bull**** to contend with. We have to focus on bills, kids, finances, etc. With him, all they have to focus on is what movie or music or whatever to talk about. There is no stress involved with them, but tons with us. It's really unfair, if you think about it. How could I ever win or compete with an illusion?

 

She's not as heartless as some of you are making her out to be. I seriously think she may have a disorder in her head or something. I can tell that she is frustrated over the situation. She came upstairs when I was crying the other night, held my hand and spoke to me in a gentle voice. She said that she has no idea how to stop all of this. She said she cares for me b/c we have so much time together, but on the other hand, she has really grown to know the other guy and is attached to him. "Do you think this is easy for me? It's killing me, too." I said, "Yeah. Either way, you end up with someone. It can't be that hard on you. Your future may not be certain, but you KNOW that either way you go, you have someone in your life. I CAN'T SAY THAT!!" I also added, "Maybe if you didn't have a guarantee either way it would be EASIER for you to make your decision."

 

She's been calling me 'baby' and 'sweetie' like it's perfectly normal. From time to time, she still calls me "Thomas" which I hate. I hated being called that by her when we were married. I just gotta' get that other guy out of the picture and things will heal between us. How I do that is the challenge. I'm thinking that if she doesn't tell him tonight, I will. I'll just walk downstairs, acting like I'm gonna be quiet and then start talking really loud about how I enjoyed last night and ****. Nothing happened, but he won't know. I dunno. She'd be pissed, but she'd get over it. After a few weeks, months, whatever, she'd be fine again. She needs to be knocked out of this fantasy world she's living in and back into ****ing reality. She's living an illusion.

 

-Wiz

[man_of_ability]

She told me this morning that she cut off phone sex with him and that's why she cut off 'physical contact' with me, as well. She said if he isn't getting anything more than friend conversation then I shouldn't either.

-Wiz

 

I'm sorry but that's some de-ranged thinking there. Her phone sex buddy should not be on the same playing field as the one who has comitted his life to her. You should always be number one to her.

 

I'm not number 1 right now in my relationship either...but that story is on my thread.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Divorce papers have a way of knocking the F outta the fog in her head. but for that to work you have to be ambivalent and willing to leave. Meaning you must drop the rope and whether she has a disorder or not. cheating is still no excuse. she is emotionally abusing you and your putting up with it.

 

That's not right and that isnt what marriage is.

 

The two outcomes when it comes down to it:

 

Either she recommits to the marriage, or she leaves and you move on with your life.

 

There's no other option, no confusion. No nothing.

 

At the end of the day you gotta ask yourself is this what you want?

 

And why should you tolerate it.

 

Alot of posters are getting frustrated with you because your stuck by your own fear. Stop being afraid and do what needs to be done.

 

There is no more discusion or wafling! stop being a coward and stand up and be a man!

[broken hearted]

Wow, I thought my husband did some pretty horrible stuff to me! I though I let him walk all over me but......come on, you have got to either give her an ultimatum or get the hell out of that nightmare of a situation! I can't even imagine anyone putting up with even a day of that treatment!

 

On the other hand, I know that love is blind and can keep you holding on....

[Shockedhusband]

Ok I may have been a little harsh, sorry I was having a rough day at the office. To many fires to put out today.

 

If you think financially there is no way out then you are wrong and that is not really a reason to stick around and be miserable. You may have to take a god long look at you possible options ie. bankruptcy and so on but there is always an option.

 

Financially my divorce is going to kill me. I had to take a substantial paycut this year due to the economy and my wife makes more than me. We are currently in the process of short selling our home and I may take a hit to my credit. Its really tight for a while but you know what? I would rather be financially strapped for a while and happy then be financially secure and sharing my wife with another man

 

You know what you need to do, and truly speaking you will not heal yourself until you take action.

[seibert253]

You know, after reading what your doing, I'm, well I'm just speechless. All of us have given you great advise on how to be a man, stand up for yourself, but you continue to be her dormat. Here's my prediction.

 

1. You continue down the path you've chosen and she will continued to use and walk all over you. Eventually she'll have the OM over sleeping with her, while you're upstairs with your kids. Again, repeat after me, cuckold.

 

2. You will finally see the advise you're getting is right, and you stand up for yourself and tell her enough is enough. Chose him or me. If it's me, then great, if it's him, then our marriage is done. Good luck. Then you can regain your dignity and do what's right for you. WITH OR WITHOUT HER.

 

Peace and good luck. Said all I'm gonna say. Outta here.

[hopesndreams]

Just more of the same old, same old, nothing is changing, not one little thing. You have convinced yourself that the OM being in the picture is the only problem in all this. Guess what? It isn't. When/if she is done with him, she will just go find herself another. She enjoys the thrill of it all. She won't dump him and he won't dump her. They are both feeding some sick need off each other. Let's face it, he is just some guy on the other end of the phone. Have they ever met physically? I highly doubt, when/if he finds out that you are living with her, he will give a rats azz. Even if you were to go downstairs, when you are NOT allowed, and shout out "YOOOOHOOOOO, I'M LIVING WITH TERESA AND WE GET DOWN AND DIRTY!", it won't make a bit of difference to him. What then? Have you thought of that possibility?

[Gunny376]

You need to catch the next thing smoking out of town Southbound.

 

And you can't do so quick enough!

 

Its beyond the wage garnishment, (the can't garnish what you ain't got ~ a wage) and beyond the wife, the marriage, the OM, your feelings for the wife?

 

Its down to re-claiming your Life! Regaining control of your life.

 

Were I to find myself in your situation?

 

There more than likely would be a 'mop, a bucket, a Preacher and the Police' involved?

 

Not that I'm advocating violence, but rather I'd be damned any wife of mine would tell me where to go in my house!

 

 

And this business about not letting the OM know I was living with her!

 

I'd snatch the phone out of her freaking hands and give him an ear full! Dare him to ever call back upon risk of death!

 

Forevermore he would have a clear, pretty picture in his mind as to what it was like to have a PO'd Marine on his hands!

 

I'd be all over him like a pack of starved pit bulls on a sick three legged cat coughing up hairballs as it ran away!

[imagine]

Buddy, you need a plan.

 

Google marriage builders. Read the articles and find out what a Plan A is all about. Call us back directly.

[Shockedhusband]

this is beyond marriage builders...everything I have read has pointed or the fact the his wife has absolutely no respect for him or their marriage.

 

Who's name is on the house? is it yours? then you determine who goes where in that house.

 

Come on man you seriously need to wake the hell up

[spr8ted]

Dude, you need some professional counseling or something. Your self-esteem is in the toilet. No one should be taken advantage of and used the way you are. Listen to these people. We have the advantage of seeing this for what it is and not seeing it through "emotional eyes"

[imagine]

this is beyond marriage builders...everything I have read has pointed or the fact the his wife has absolutely no respect for him or their marriage.

 

Who's name is on the house? is it yours? then you determine who goes where in that house.

 

Come on man you seriously need to wake the hell up

 

Trust me. Marriage builders. You can't change her but you can change you.

 

I was recommended to go to marriage builders from posters on this site some two years ago. They work. They are consistent. Not saying other systems don't work, but this one has got it together.

 

The posters there can be a bit harsh at times. Please come back here after reading their articles. Many of us here understand the MB principals at this site too.

[LisaUk]

Wow, I can't believe what I just read in you thread.

 

You love this women? What is so great about her? She must be incrediable in the sack right? Because she is sucessfully using sex as a weapon to control you.

 

She is not only disrepecting your marriage and you, but your children as well.

 

My advice, get some IC, this women has destroyed your self esteem.

 

I feel for you, I really do, but enough is enough.