sunnylu Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Let me just say....loving this forum......so much better than many i've seen online - seems way less naggy.... anyway... backgroung: My H and I have been married for just over 4 yrs, dated for 1 and 1/2 yrs before we were married. I was married before with two lovely kids (17yo lives with biodad) and 10yo lives with us. When H and I got together, I was in a bit of a vulnerable place. I'd just moved to a new city, didn't know anyone....met this guy....we went out..... and it never ended from date one. I have to say, when I first met him I was like, wow...who's this tall drink of water? We had a PERFECT relationship.....we LOVED sex, 2-3 xday at first which dwindled down to 2-3x per week (which is fine, adequate I think). Anyway......he's a basically nice guy - a little rough around the edges (some people think he's a hulking bastard by the way he comes across to people sometimes), it's kind of just how he talks but he's actually pretty nice. Back to the sex part...... after about the 1st year of marriage, i noticed that he'd kind of let himself go physically.......well...no kind of about it, he gained about 40 lbs and seemed to not care what he looked like except for when he's at work where he'll get up, put it all together and look good (has to for his line of work). Anyway.....I've stayed exactly the same.....still thin/inshape.....take care of myself the same.....i'm not conceited just confident....i get a lot of compliments and i just say thanks - you know, you take care of yourself and people compliment women who do that......Around i started noticing these changes......i know this sounds shallow, but, i sort of stopped feeling super attracted to him like i had been at first. No surprise....... when he wasn't working (6 months out of the year he works 6 months he's off --paid the entire year).....he would just sit in front of his computer looking at some fantasy football stuff or playing online poker......if not in front of the computer -on the couch watching sports, judge judy - or some other kind of mindless show. That being said, I tried to ignore it and did for about a year and a half.....our sex life did dwindle i really am not attracted to him anymore in a way. We joined a gym together - I go, he doesn't. We joined (meaning I joined for both of us).....I buy him cute outfits and compliment him endlessly when he puts them on and I can actually get him to shower,shave and brush his teeth all in one day....... doesn't seem to phase him........I don't think this is a self esteem issue. One thing that attracted me to him in the first place was that he wasn't aware of how good looking he was....no ego about that, and he was actually a bit of a hottie...... Fast forward to now, after being married for 4 years. Right now, he's sitting on the couch in a pair of basketball shorts probably from high school (he's 40) and a houston tshirt with cutoff sleeves, head phones on, watching a movie on his computer.........plopped right down where he sits all day long during these 6 months off - the leather couch is actually sagging in the spot he sits.....i try to get him to at least move around so it can all sag equally (he's 6'4 and probably about 260lbs)...... sure I'm on my computer typing this, but, I'm about to shower - totally put myself together in my still Size 2 clothes and head off to work because I do work 12 months out of the year (i love working, don't get me wrong). I've asked him nicely to please at least shower, change his clothes and put him self together a little while Im at work.....pick up around the house a little. (he'll pick up around the house a little - pretty good about that), but I get home and either all of his clothes look the same to me at this point or no, he hasn't showered, brushed his teeth, done his hair whatever. Still on the couch.......... I'll get home.....he'll come over to give me a kiss or whatever and his breath will knock me down....not to mention his stubble would rub my face off..........I can't even get my arounds totally around him anymore. Now, he snores terribly.........went to a seep clinic, they told him he basically needs to lose weight. duh... We now, sleep in separate bedrooms and sex life is pretty much gone. He will fall asleep on the couch watching tv....i'll go into my room to read a book or something.....he'll stumble in few hours later....shirtless...stubbly and smelly and i'll just point at the guest room after asking if he took a shower today. I sound like a total biotch which i'm really not, i don't say it in a mean way....i'm just not even sleeping in the same bed as someone that has no regard for their own hygiene or how turned off it makes me. I am just not attracted to him at all and have to say I feel like he has ignored me when i've asked him to at least be clean. A few extra pounds doesn't totally bother me, it's just i'm really offended that he can't just shave shower brush his teeth and put on a decent outfit. I'd have sex with him twice a day.....seriously.....it's not that i don't want to have sex.....just not with him at this point. I will not have an affair, but i also won't live in a sexless marriage forever....life is too short.....i know there are plenty of "fish in the sea" - i've suggested marriage counseling or individual counseling - he doesn't really want to go to either....he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong..... My son is out of town visiting relatives for a few weeks....... still......nothing going on in the bedroom....we've gone out a few times.....he's still wearing his too tight tshirt with those shorts with the pockets on the side, stubble on his face. To a nice restaurant no less. I'm putting it together - cute outfit, heels - long hair smelling good (that takes forever for me to dry but i still keep it clean!!!)..... we've gotten comments before that do bother him (i.e., "he must be rich" or "how'd he get her?") I do sound like a conceited chick but i'm not... i need to shut up now...i know this is too long and I apologize profusely.....i'm just pretty upset about this and need some advice on what to do. Should i stay in a marriage where i'm pretty much repulsed by this nice - smelly - guy I married? sad and confused in the sunshine state.......... Link to post Share on other sites
QuestionLove73 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 To me it seems that your relationship was based more on the physical and not the emotional or relational side of the equation and now that he has let himself go what bonds you had with him are now broken. Have you tried a brutally honest conversation with him? Not to play on overused stereotypes but many guys just don't get the hint unless it's in plain view to see. Tell him that you really miss the times with him before you were married and that if the relationship is to work out he needs to get himself back to where he was. My brutally honest assessment is your marriage is unlikely to last. Are you sleeping in separate bedrooms because of his general disregard to his personal care or is it in combination with an emotional disconnect? If you can't be attracted to your partner in their worst conditions that is a problem in itself and if your partner lost their looks your emotional connection would compensate somewhat for the lack of physical. Link to post Share on other sites
1Angel Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 He's depressed or way too comfortable with the relationship. You've asked him to work on his appearance and he hasn't. Reinforce the point that it is important to you. The fact that gets fixed up for work and not for you would be disappointing to any spouse. If it's depression ask that he get help for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunnylu Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 There's just no way to say it that doesn't sound mean......since, part of what I really like about him in the first place is that he doesn't have some huge ego. Like I said, I've talked to him and told him that it's so simple, clean yourself up, get off the couch and we're in business.....(or something like that). It's so hard to talk to someone about these things without really hurting their feelings. Just this morning I gave him the phone number of our family doctor and asked him to please make an appt for a physical and have some tests run (i.e., low testosterone, diabetes, maybe even depression screening). He said he would call later. I don't think he's depressed, and yes it is seriously irritating when 6 months of the year he gets up and looks awesome......the other 6 totally looks like a different person. We're in separate bedrooms because a) i have to get up early and his snoring keeps me from getting any sleep (he didn't snore at the beginning when he was thinner) and b) i'm feeling kind of hurt that he just doesn't seem to care how I feel after i've talked to him about his hygiene issues and unwillingness to even stab at keeping himself up. I really don't want to sleep next to a person that doesn't take care of himself (let alone get physically close). Like I said, he is a nice person and can be really really funny......i just wish that maybe i were much older so that I wouldn't really care so much about all of this and would just accept the fact that he doesn't seem to take good care of himself and i would be celibate. But that's not reality. I'm too young for that but I don't really feel like getting divorced based on his lack of hygiene - weight gain - lack of sex......it just seems so shallow. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 To reiterate what a previous poster said, your H sounds like he may very well be depressed. Sitting around on the couch all day, watching mindless TV programs, not taking care of his physical appearance, and putting on weight -- all Classic Symptoms of Depression! Have him checked out, you may just get your nice-smelling, more motivated & active husband back! Seriously -- YOU phone and book him for a medical. Go with to the doctors appointment, and point out H may be depressed -- there is help for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunnylu Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 Hmm... you might be right, until today.....when I asked him to go to the doctor I never really saw him as the depressed type but, maybe that's it! I think it may run in his family..... I'm calling the doctor now. Thank you for your help ...... hopefully he'll be back soon ... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 To reiterate what a previous poster said, your H sounds like he may very well be depressed. Sitting around on the couch all day, watching mindless TV programs, not taking care of his physical appearance, and putting on weight -- all Classic Symptoms of Depression! Have him checked out, you may just get your nice-smelling, more motivated & active husband back! Seriously -- YOU phone and book him for a medical. Go with to the doctors appointment, and point out H may be depressed -- there is help for him. All good advice. One aspect of any mental illness like depression is that the afficted don't know they're ill. So trying to reason with him or ask "are you depressed?" isn't going to get you anywhere. Like Athena said, haul his butt in there... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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