8 year relationship broken by jealousy, need therapy for myself..

[Martian536]

Hi All,

I'm going thru a major life crisis right now.. I was engaged to my fiance of whom I've been with for 8.5 years.. basically its like we've been married already because we've cohabitated for several years..

 

I just proposed to her this January and the first fight we had (due to my insecurity and jealousy) was at the end of April.. she immediately walked out and moved out.. she went on a 2 month break with barely in contact to me... I respected her space and then she met me last Thursday and gave me back the ring and called off the engagement.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again but I hate myself for being mentally sick over the past several years..

 

I was never a jealous person until she came into my life.. I met her and she swooped me off my feet... While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 and right after she moved out of high school for college..

 

Anyway, she comes back and we continue dating some more.. until the night we first got intimate, i found out she gave it up to some high school fling that she would never ever see again... they weren't even official or anything..

 

I felt betrayed, I felt like I was second place and I didn't understand why she did that.. I never got involved in any love triangle until she put me in one..

 

So anyway, that was in the beginning.. then a few months after we became official, I asked her to stop talking to some other dude that she had a fling with (because of what happened).. she took the guy's name off her Instant Messenger in front of me.. a few weeks later, I noticed he was back on.. her excuse was "he's just a friend".. I was even devastated more.. It felt so disrespectful after how she hurt me the first time...

 

So that was all in the first year of our relationship..

 

fast forward 8.5 years later, i lost my job over the past year and have been unemployed.. I've been feeling low lately and don't feel secure about myself.. OVer the last year, I've caused petty arguments with her about her loyalty to me.. She's the type thats very friendly to everybody and her two sisters moved down to the area and now she's more occupied than ever.. I guess I was starting to miss her attention right when I needed it the most..

 

Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy..I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again...

 

this is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore..

 

 

I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt" .. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself...

 

I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair .. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...

 

so I am too hard on myself? I hope my gf finds hte compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)...

[Untouchable_Fire]

Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy..I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again...

 

this is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore..

 

 

I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt" .. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself...

 

I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair .. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...

 

so I am too hard on myself? I hope my gf finds hte compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)...

 

While I was not there and do not know how you treated your GF day to day.... based on this... I would say you are way to harsh on yourself.

 

Bottom line is that your GF was a piece of crap. It sounds like she cheated on you several times.

 

Also.... I don't think it's a coincidence that you get dumped while unemployed. Chances are you were just a paycheck to her anyway.

 

Count yourself LUCKY that she is out of your life now. You've already wasted 8.5 years with a worthless piece of trash... Now you have the chance to spend the next 8.5 years with someone who is worth your time.

 

Oh.... and therapy is a good idea. Your going to have to deal with all of these feelings at some point. It will help you in the next relationship.

 

Best of Luck!

[aeren944]

While I was not there and do not know how you treated your GF day to day.... based on this... I would say you are way to harsh on yourself.

 

Bottom line is that your GF was a piece of crap. It sounds like she cheated on you several times.

 

Also.... I don't think it's a coincidence that you get dumped while unemployed. Chances are you were just a paycheck to her anyway.

 

Count yourself LUCKY that she is out of your life now. You've already wasted 8.5 years with a worthless piece of trash... Now you have the chance to spend the next 8.5 years with someone who is worth your time.

 

Oh.... and therapy is a good idea. Your going to have to deal with all of these feelings at some point. It will help you in the next relationship.

 

Best of Luck!

 

I disagree. I think if she were really considered you a "paycheck", she wouldn't have given the ring back so easily. My GF sounds a lot like her, and you sound a lot like me. I used to get really jealous over her friendliness with other guys and stuff. But, eventually, I learned to put things in perspective and let crap roll off my back.

 

I don't think you're being too hard on yourself at all. I think you're the only one that can change you, and if you truly want this girl back (even with the flaws), then you need to change your attitude about the whole thing. You need to work on letting go of the past and not hold onto it like some sort of ammunition for a future fight.

 

Sounds to me like she was young when she lost her virginity, and the reason she had sex with you afterwards is because she realized that she wanted to share that with you. It sounds as if you may have been more suspicious or controlling than you needed to be, and it finally became the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

I'm not trying to bag on you. I'm merely telling you what I see. You sound a lot like me, and I went through a similar incident. The thing that helped me was to step back and see where I could change my way of thinking.

 

Good luck!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I disagree. I think if she were really considered you a "paycheck", she wouldn't have given the ring back so easily. My GF sounds a lot like her, and you sound a lot like me. I used to get really jealous over her friendliness with other guys and stuff. But, eventually, I learned to put things in perspective and let crap roll off my back.

 

I would typically agree with you, but not under these circumstances.

 

She cheated early on. That can make guys who are not jealous at all, into crazy jealous types. Especially when they don't have much self esteem to begin with.

 

Why didn't she dump him 3 years ago? 4 years ago? 1 year ago? Why wait until he is unemployed... ? That should imply something about her motives.

 

She is a trashbag, and OP should be happy she is gone.

[aeren944]

All valid points. However, I doubt she viewed it as cheating early on, but there's not enough information to speculate on that.

 

It could be that the reason she didn't dump him 3 or 4 years ago was that she was working on or hoping that things would get better. Maybe it wasn't as bad back then. But, when you lose your job, and you're feeling like crap over being unemployed and feeling useless, some people project that disdain on other things. Maybe the OP just pushed his luck a little too hard with that.

 

Either way, if she were really a gold-digger, she'd have kept the ring at least. Not to mention that by breaking up with him, she's throwing that paycheck out the window. I understand he's not working now, but that doesn't mean he'll never work again.

 

It just doesn't add up to me.

 

Just my humble opinion.

[2sure]

Certainly try to come to grips with your emotions and what you want out of future relationships and what you have to offer. You dont want to make the mistakes in your next relationship.

 

Focus on yourself. Being jealous didnt make you happy. No need to speculate further on her...this one is gone.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Either way, if she were really a gold-digger, she'd have kept the ring at least. Not to mention that by breaking up with him, she's throwing that paycheck out the window. I understand he's not working now, but that doesn't mean he'll never work again.

It just doesn't add up to me.

Just my humble opinion.

 

I doubt he ever had enough money for her to qualify as a gold digger. In my experience women would be just as likely to stay for comfort/convenience. I think he has probably just been a backup guy for a long time. Chances are when she left there was already a specific guy in the back of her mind. - All conjecture of course, but it fills in some blanks.

 

I went back and read his earlier thread. It's clear he has issues. However, I think she caused a good chunk of the problems here... and they may be healthier apart.

[lovelorcet]

I don't see where she cheated!?!?

 

 

They were dating but were not having sex and were not official... and she was 18!?!?!

 

Come on...

 

Yes you have some serious issues... You have to learn that you can't control people like this and if you do they will eventually walk away.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't see where she cheated!?!?

They were dating but were not having sex and were not official... and she was 18!?!?!

Come on...

Yes you have some serious issues... You have to learn that you can't control people like this and if you do they will eventually walk away.

 

Go back and read the initial posts. They were officially dating... she had told him she wanted to wait... she went home for the summer and cheated with a highschool flame.

 

I don't care how old she was... that sh** is messed up! He was a total loser for not dumping her then.

[lovelorcet]

Hi All,

 

While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 and right after she moved out of high school for college..

 

 

 

I see CASUALLY dating written there... And yes being 18 does make a difference...

[lkjh]

I see CASUALLY dating written there... And yes being 18 does make a difference...

 

is there some official rule that says you are allowed to cheat if you are 18? It doesn't matter if she 18 or 50 cheating is cheating. What we do when we are 18 are pretty good indicators of who we are.

[lovelorcet]

is there some official rule that says you are allowed to cheat if you are 18? It doesn't matter if she 18 or 50 cheating is cheating. What we do when we are 18 are pretty good indicators of who we are.

 

If you actually read what is going on here you might understand what I am saying.

 

They were casually dating when she was 18 and she hooked up with another guy. THAT WAS ALMOST 9 YEARS AGO...

 

She told him before they were intimate and he decided to stay with her. This in NOT a reason to justify jealously years later...

[lkjh]

If you actually read what is going on here you might understand what I am saying.

 

They were casually dating when she was 18 and she hooked up with another guy. THAT WAS ALMOST 9 YEARS AGO...

 

She told him before they were intimate and he decided to stay with her. This in NOT a reason to justify jealously years later...

 

 

I read what was going on. She cheated and being 18 years old does not excuse that

[lovelorcet]

I read what was going on. She cheated and being 18 years old does not excuse that

 

 

I don't see how one can cheat when casually dating, because it is casual and not committed. Just like casual sex is sex without a commitment.

 

So this is first not cheating...

 

Second, he agreed to accept her under these circumstances.

[lkjh]

I don't see how one can cheat when casually dating, because it is casual and not committed. Just like casual sex is sex without a commitment.

 

So this is first not cheating...

 

Second, he agreed to accept her under these circumstances.

 

Where do you get that they weren't committed? Just because they were dating doesn't mean she can sleep with other people. Obviously he didn't agree to that.

 

Second, he didn't accept her, he has had to deal with this. clearly this has been bothering him.

 

You may be ok with your bf/gf sleeping with other people but most people don't agree

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

I'm not sure if cheating took place. Difficult to determine given the info.

 

If it was just casual dating why mention that she was a virgin? Only to give it to an ex she never wanted to see again and mention it to him casually? The only thing that comes to mind is that it was important to her that he know. Why?

 

Maybe even she didn't know that it was as casual as she had thought. It's not hard to see why his jealousies started.

 

I just proposed to her this January and the first fight we had (due to my insecurity and jealousy) was at the end of April.. she immediately walked out and moved out..

 

Was it really the first fight? Walking out on a first fight seems a bit extreme. Somewhat suspect unless the OP has been continually bringing this jealousy up.

 

then a few months after we became official, I asked her to stop talking to some other dude that she had a fling with (because of what happened).. she took the guy's name off her Instant Messenger in front of me.. a few weeks later, I noticed he was back on.. her excuse was "he's just a friend"..

 

Seems a bit controlling if she's never given the OP reason to be suspicious but she shouldn't have agreed to cut contact only to restore it behind his back. That is suspicious behavior.

 

But I agree the OP needs to get these jealousies under control.

[Martian536]

I disagree. I think if she were really considered you a "paycheck", she wouldn't have given the ring back so easily. My GF sounds a lot like her, and you sound a lot like me. I used to get really jealous over her friendliness with other guys and stuff. But, eventually, I learned to put things in perspective and let crap roll off my back.

 

I don't think you're being too hard on yourself at all. I think you're the only one that can change you, and if you truly want this girl back (even with the flaws), then you need to change your attitude about the whole thing. You need to work on letting go of the past and not hold onto it like some sort of ammunition for a future fight.

 

Sounds to me like she was young when she lost her virginity, and the reason she had sex with you afterwards is because she realized that she wanted to share that with you. It sounds as if you may have been more suspicious or controlling than you needed to be, and it finally became the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

I'm not trying to bag on you. I'm merely telling you what I see. You sound a lot like me, and I went through a similar incident. The thing that helped me was to step back and see where I could change my way of thinking.

 

Good luck!

 

Wow!! Out of all the respones I've read, this is the most on point and optimistic one I've seen.. you are right, I know she's sorry and she was actually supporting me for quite some time.. it wasn't about the money or anything, she has alot of potential and i love the way you explained how she made a mistake because she's just too much of a "nice girl" and she did have something going on with the other dude but her ultimate mistake was getting me involved with her and causing some unfinished business.. I've seen her change to who she really wants to be.. she became more of a conservative family woman but now that she's single again, I forced an identity crisis on her again.. she's going back to her insecure old self and trying so hard to get noticed again.. I know its a mask for her pain and I hope when all this dust settles, we can start new.. I don't expect her to forgive me since it was so hard for me to forgive her (more like forgetting)... but since she started this mess and if she can find it in her heart to forgive me and give us a second chance, we both know we both screwed up and can start all over.... thats what im hoping...

[Martian536]

If you actually read what is going on here you might understand what I am saying.

 

They were casually dating when she was 18 and she hooked up with another guy. THAT WAS ALMOST 9 YEARS AGO...

 

She told him before they were intimate and he decided to stay with her. This in NOT a reason to justify jealously years later...

 

Hi Lovelorcet,

 

are you a woman by any chance? hehe.. and yes, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND my jealousy doesn't justify itself being this far out... I've read somewhere regarding jealousy after an affair (or mini affair wahtever you wanna call it), can resurface 8-10 years later..

 

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/236114/after_an_affair_what_to_do_when_the.html?cat=72

 

And it comes at a point where my self esteem as at an all time low... I heard depression can open up all the painful memories of the past no matter how buried they are...

 

Some people can look at this "cheating" thing to their own perspective.. bottom line is, whenever you lead someone on, don't ever mess up your first impression and change the dynamics by putting someone in between you.. thats the way I see things..

 

I read an article in Maxim Magazine about cheating hearts.. it says "people put on their best behavior when they start dating people, so if you were cheated on in the beginning, look at that as their best behavior".. boy was I surprised.. I hope thats not her best behaviro because I've seen her change to a much more mature secured beautiful woman.... it was me who was changing for the worse...

[lovelorcet]

No, I am actually quite male :-) I am just very rational and realistic...

 

I would not consider someone my gf is I was just casually dating them I see no exclusivity here so it is not possible to cheat.

 

TWO people have to agree to exclusiveness before there can be cheating.

 

Now I am not saying that what she did was in great taste or anything but she even told you before she was intimate with you.

 

It was at THIS point that you needed to deal with the situation, you could have rejected her based on her actions. You should have seen that she was maybe "just not that into you."

You choose to stay with her, meaning you choose to accept her and it is then also YOUR responsibility to deal with the issues you have from the situation in a healthy way. Pining over them 8.5 years later is by no means healthy.

 

This is what YOU can learn from this situation.

[lovelorcet]

Where do you get that they weren't committed? Just because they were dating doesn't mean she can sleep with other people. Obviously he didn't agree to that.

 

Second, he didn't accept her, he has had to deal with this. clearly this has been bothering him.

 

You may be ok with your bf/gf sleeping with other people but most people don't agree

 

Casual dating means -> not committed

not committed means -> not your gf

 

 

I can't make it any simpler than that, either you have the capacity to get it or you don't.

[lkjh]

Casual dating means -> not committed

not committed means -> not your gf

 

 

I can't make it any simpler than that, either you have the capacity to get it or you don't.

 

I get it but you are wrong. Your entire theory is based off the concept that everyone thinks and acts like yourself. I understand that you are ok with your partners screwing other people, but hold on because this is going to shock you.........most people don't like that. Obviously the op thought they were in a serious relationship at the time, and notice how he said he"found out. She led him on and made him believe that she was still a virgin. If you can't understand why this will break someones trust then there really isn't anything left to say.

[Martian536]

I get it but you are wrong. Your entire theory is based off the concept that everyone thinks and acts like yourself. I understand that you are ok with your partners screwing other people, but hold on because this is going to shock you.........most people don't like that. Obviously the op thought they were in a serious relationship at the time, and notice how he said he"found out. She led him on and made him believe that she was still a virgin. If you can't understand why this will break someones trust then there really isn't anything left to say.

 

thanks for understanding... whenever I lead someone on or date a girl, I never let another person get in between us.. I don't understand how some people can just do that.. and like I said, it wasn't even just that first incident, I asked her out of respect to stop contacting her other ex flings and she did create some more suspicious behavior... so whats crazy is that I wonder if after all these 8 years she's probably a lot more secretive behind my back.. I wonder if she's played me like a fool.. she use to have her girls night outs so many times its unbelievable sometimes and I sometimes wonder if she's gotten so use to hiding things from me because she already knows how to be deceiving.. thats the scary part.. you're right, some people take these things too lightly...

[lovelorcet]

I get it but you are wrong. Your entire theory is based off the concept that everyone thinks and acts like yourself. I understand that you are ok with your partners screwing other people, but hold on because this is going to shock you.........most people don't like that. Obviously the op thought they were in a serious relationship at the time, and notice how he said he"found out. She led him on and made him believe that she was still a virgin. If you can't understand why this will break someones trust then there really isn't anything left to say.

 

I am quite far from wrong...

 

I never stated that I was ok with my partners screwing other people but casual dating is not a relationship. A relationship that can be cheated on can only start when 2 people agree to be exclusive.

[Brehus]

I know the feeling I was married before for several years and my wife cheated on me which led to the marriage ending. I had a hard time dealing with everything but I found something very useful that really gave me the strength to get by. I found the suppliments Piracetam and Phenibut they both use to be prescription drugs that are now sold as suppliments. I must say they work a lot better then the drugs doctors currently perscribe as they work on the GABA system instead of the serotonin system that most meds work on now.

[Martian536]

Guys, I found this on another relationship forum (enotalone.com) and this is exactly what my ex fiance is going thru (on top of the jealousy issues, it was a recipe for disaster waiting to happen)..

 

[sIZE=5]The Grass Is Greener Syndrome[/sIZE]

(AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus)

 

I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems.

 

In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.

 

This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.
  
• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.
  
• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.
  
• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.
  
• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.
  

 

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.

 

Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.

 

So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.