mlm80 Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 [sIZE=3]Hello everyone! This coming Tuesday I’m going to the court house to file a restraining order against my abuse boyfriend. This nightmare has run its course, 7 years and I can’t understand why I am so afraid to take this step. I am more afraid to go file then deal with rage outbursts. I have been cornered, pushed, called every foul thing you can think of, had things thrown at me and the worst part is our 4 year old son is starting to mimic his behaviors. Most of the time I feel like I’m living in the movie Ground hog day because the days all seam to blend together. Nothing I do is right; nothing I do is good enough. He has refused counseling, blames his out bursts on me. I’ve tried; lord knows I have but its now to the point where I really don’t care how badly he could hurt me. I know once he gets served with those papers all hell is going to break lose. I am more afraid of his reaction then anything else. I couldn’t defend my self against this man, it’s like a gorilla VS a mouse. I’m tried of being afraid, tired of not being able to go anywhere, tried of hiding this life…….I’m just tired of a lot of things right now. I’ve spoken to DV shelters and I am going to speak with a court advocate Tuesday. Why am I afraid to do this? This should be the beginning of the end to this nightmare I live in. I have so many emotions going through me and in a way I feel bad for him knowing when this happens he will be left with nothing. I know I shouldn’t worry about him, he has enough finances to be okay, and he did bring this all on him self. When I start to feel like I’m about to crack and say I just cant do it I remind my self of the hour long lectures, the nasty names he would say, all the things he broke, all the promises of change that never happened. This by far is the hardest step in life I have ever taken. I guess I’m look for reassurance that things will be okay. I have told family and friends and they all think it’s about time, even his own mother agrees with my choice to leave. I feel as though I have failed my family, failed my son. I as his mother should have ended this long ago. He does not hit us, well for me at least not yet but I see my son defending me when his dad goes on the rampage. I’m supposed to protect him, not have it be the other way around. How did I get here, how did I as a grown adult let this get so out of control. Fear or not I know its time. His threats of hurting me went from maybe a few times a month to nearly daily. It went from him wishing I was a man so he could knock my teeth out to telling me that once he hits me, he won’t be able to stop and if there is no body there is no crime. I can’t keep living like this. [/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 ML, we don't know each other, but be assured that I'm very PROUD of you for taking this huge step. I can only imagine how scary it is from your end of things, but know that you've got a huge support system in the real world and on here. your post touches me personally: I've got a young female relative with two small children who refuses (for whatever reasons) to leave her abusive marriage, and it's killing the family. Mostly because those babies are defenseless, even though she truly believes she can "protect" them from the demon she's with. So to know that one woman found the strength to make that change fills me with hope that she, too, will one day say "NO MORE" ... I guess I’m look for reassurance that things will be okay. I won't guarantee you a specific outcome, but I will tell you this: Don't sell yourself short by believing you deserve anything less than the love and respect that comes with an intimate relationship. You deserve WAY better than what this man is capable of giving, and it's NOT your fault that he couldn't give it to you, but his own. it may take you awhile to get your bearings back, but I'm hoping that counseling through the womens' shelter will help with that. Just know that every step forward you take is a HUGE success, because it means you're not having to remain in a bad environment, especially considering you've got a little one. you have the power within you to make that difference in your child's life and your own, and I believe in you. muchos abrazos, kiddo, quank Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I just divorced an ex husband that reminds me of your situation. Do not feel sorry for him! This is about you and your child's safety. You also need counseling to recover and become educated about abusive relationships so that you don't repeat your pattern like I did. You are doing the right thing and I hope that you move on to have a great life without him because it is possible. You are doubting yourself because your thinking has become distorted as a result of being with an abuser. Keep thinking of your safety and you will be okay. Time to completely take the focus off him. Its all about you NOW!! http://lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore/2006/02/the_truth_about.html Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Once you turn for help, there will be many who can help you. It will take a bit of time to unravel the many things which have happened but this time next year things will seem utterly different. You have to recover from the barrage of incidences.. Well done for wanting to break the false secret. The most dangerous time is the period after woman leaves. Take note of all the advice given. Keep yourself safe. All the best, Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
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