Should I leave him?

[T.]

I'm a young woman, but fully self-sufficient. I recently bought my own house, I'm in college and I work part time. This is a really long story, so please bear with me.

 

I've been involved with my fiance for about a year, and it's been pretty good, although we argue rarely when we do, they are pretty heated arguments.

 

Last weekend, something very frightening happened. we were arguing about something really stupid, I don't even remember the original problem. I had walked into the living room, and I sat on the couch. He came out and I said, "let's just drop it. I don't want to talk about this." I just wanted it over with, since it was stupid to begin with. Then, he punched the couch and said "I'm sick of this." Then yelled at me about how I mumble when I get upset, so he can't understand what I'm saying. I started crying when he yelled at me, because he normally doesn't ever raise his voice. I ran back to my room.

 

Then, when he followed, I screamed at him "Is this loud enough? Leave me alone!" He stormed out of the room and stared to leave. I went berserk, I guess because I have this fear of abandonment, and I screamed, "Get out, then, I hate you." and started hitting him in the chest an shoving him. He pushed me against the wall, then grabbed a picture off the wall and hit it against the wall, then smashed it into little pieces on the floor. Then, he grabbed a laudry basket and threw it against the other wall, scattering clothes across the room.

 

At this point, i was really scared. I've been in about three abusive relationships where my boyfriend hit me. I was also severely abused as a child by my mother. So I ran into my room, holding the doro shut, crying. He tried to pull the door open and I started screaming "Get away, I'm scared."

 

He was crying and said he was sorry and that he loves me, over and over again. After a while, I felt sorry for him because he looked so upset, so I hugged him and patted his back. But When he kept saying "I lvoe you" I felt nothing, so I didn't say anything back.

 

I don't know whether to give him another chance or not. Since I've been in so many abusive relationships and have been hit by boyfriends before, part of me thinks I'm being my stupid old self and that he's going to start beating me. Most of them were nice at first, but after they got comfortable they started hitting me. The other part says that I should give him a chance to show me I'm wrong. What should I do?

[hassan]

hmmm

 

well when you mumble, which is bad, gets teh man furious. I have a freind that whenever we argue she always mumbles away it pisses me the f*** off. I guess he got mad because of that but has he ever been like that b4r . if he is abusive then just get rid of him because your love should not hurt you even though love hurts sometimes.

I'm a young woman, but fully self-sufficient. I recently bought my own house, I'm in college and I work part time. This is a really long story, so please bear with me. I've been involved with my fiance for about a year, and it's been pretty good, although we argue rarely when we do, they are pretty heated arguments. Last weekend, something very frightening happened. we were arguing about something really stupid, I don't even remember the original problem. I had walked into the living room, and I sat on the couch. He came out and I said, "let's just drop it. I don't want to talk about this." I just wanted it over with, since it was stupid to begin with. Then, he punched the couch and said "I'm sick of this." Then yelled at me about how I mumble when I get upset, so he can't understand what I'm saying. I started crying when he yelled at me, because he normally doesn't ever raise his voice. I ran back to my room. Then, when he followed, I screamed at him "Is this loud enough? Leave me alone!" He stormed out of the room and stared to leave. I went berserk, I guess because I have this fear of abandonment, and I screamed, "Get out, then, I hate you." and started hitting him in the chest an shoving him. He pushed me against the wall, then grabbed a picture off the wall and hit it against the wall, then smashed it into little pieces on the floor. Then, he grabbed a laudry basket and threw it against the other wall, scattering clothes across the room. At this point, i was really scared. I've been in about three abusive relationships where my boyfriend hit me. I was also severely abused as a child by my mother. So I ran into my room, holding the doro shut, crying. He tried to pull the door open and I started screaming "Get away, I'm scared." He was crying and said he was sorry and that he loves me, over and over again. After a while, I felt sorry for him because he looked so upset, so I hugged him and patted his back. But When he kept saying "I lvoe you" I felt nothing, so I didn't say anything back. I don't know whether to give him another chance or not. Since I've been in so many abusive relationships and have been hit by boyfriends before, part of me thinks I'm being my stupid old self and that he's going to start beating me. Most of them were nice at first, but after they got comfortable they started hitting me. The other part says that I should give him a chance to show me I'm wrong. What should I do?

[Tony T]

You said the argument was about something stupid, so his temper and throwing things probably had to do with other things going on in his life now or in his past.

 

From the sound of it, he probably is capable of violence. You will need to be around him a whole lot more to discover just what the origins of his anger are.

 

The problem he has, I feel, is repressed anger from his childhood, just as I sense you must have a lot of repressed anger against your mother for abusing you as a child...whether she is still alive or not.

 

People who have such problems or who are from dysfunctional families seem to be magically attracted to each other.

 

I hope you will get some materials, books, etc. on Children from dysfuctiuonal families or even seek counselling for yourself. It may take a while but you will dredge up a lot of anger at your mother you haven't processed yet. You probably have a lot of repressed anger against your father or others for subjecting you to your mother's abuse or allowing it to continue. And if you quiz your guy, you will probably find he has a lot of anger against someone in his childhood (maybe it was his mother) as well.

 

Until you heal from your abusive childhood, you will go through many violent men. You are young and you have time to heal. Since you came from such a childhood, you will need to learn the qualities of a cohesive, supportive, loving family and be accepting of an environment devoid of chaos and uncertainty. It sounds like you are on the path but you still haven't arrived.

 

If your guy was capable of throwing things around as he did, you have attracted more chaos into your life. His background is not his fault and the anger episodes he displayed were probably a bit out of his control. You need to be away from persons such as this who could flip out at any time.

 

The recovery from a dysfunctional upbringing is difficult for the most open minded person but you can do it. When you finally make it, you will not tolerate anything but first class relationships with friends, lovers, work associates, etc.

 

Since you did not grow up with a good model of a family experience, try to find one among your friends and see how they interact. STOP accepting less than the best for yourself.

[D.]

Dear Should, I read Tony's response, am in complete agreement but there is only one more thing that I wish to add.

 

You stated:

 

"He was crying and said he was sorry and that he loves me, over and over again. After a while, I felt sorry for him because he looked so upset, so I hugged him and patted his back. But When he kept saying "I lvoe you" I felt nothing, so I didn't say anything back."

 

What you did was to reinforse his negative behavior. I, for one, realize how difficult it is not to forgive someone as I am just that way myself. However, when you are dealing with such violent, unacceptable behavior, you must NEVER immediatly be sucked in by the crying and I'm sorry bit. In many abusive people, the textbook behavior is to abuse on some level (be it yelling, throwing and breaking things, or breaking your jaw) followed by sincere crying and aplogizing. Why is this so? Could it be that they have confused and frightened themselves by their violent behavior as it stems subconsciously from issues of childhood as Tony explained?

 

This man needs professional help for these issues and, Sweetie, you do too. Perhaps you were made to feel worthless by the way you were treated my your mother so even to this day you feel you deserve the treatment now as you did then? Just a thought.

 

Do NOT remain with him should his violence continue ... what you have seen is only the tip of the iceberg! I have been there ... And I got away ... Alive, thank God.

 

My concern is mostly for YOU and your safety as well as you getting the professional help you need to see just WHY it is that you are attacted time and time again to abusive relationship.

 

Take care of yourself, Sweetie ... and GodSpeed!

[magicklady]

Leave him as fast as possible. This is the first sign that the relationship will get abusive later on. The reason you didn't feel anything when he was telling you that he loved you is because you have been through this before and heard it all I am sure. You will not ever feel the same way about him after this. You deserve someone who is going to be good to you, it sounds like you are a very sharp girl, give yourself some time finish college and look for a man that is going to treat you right even when you do argue! Don't feel sorry for him and suggest that he gets help soon. As far as your anger and hitting you might need to work on that as well.

I'm a young woman, but fully self-sufficient. I recently bought my own house, I'm in college and I work part time. This is a really long story, so please bear with me. I've been involved with my fiance for about a year, and it's been pretty good, although we argue rarely when we do, they are pretty heated arguments. Last weekend, something very frightening happened. we were arguing about something really stupid, I don't even remember the original problem. I had walked into the living room, and I sat on the couch. He came out and I said, "let's just drop it. I don't want to talk about this." I just wanted it over with, since it was stupid to begin with. Then, he punched the couch and said "I'm sick of this." Then yelled at me about how I mumble when I get upset, so he can't understand what I'm saying. I started crying when he yelled at me, because he normally doesn't ever raise his voice. I ran back to my room. Then, when he followed, I screamed at him "Is this loud enough? Leave me alone!" He stormed out of the room and stared to leave. I went berserk, I guess because I have this fear of abandonment, and I screamed, "Get out, then, I hate you." and started hitting him in the chest an shoving him. He pushed me against the wall, then grabbed a picture off the wall and hit it against the wall, then smashed it into little pieces on the floor. Then, he grabbed a laudry basket and threw it against the other wall, scattering clothes across the room. At this point, i was really scared. I've been in about three abusive relationships where my boyfriend hit me. I was also severely abused as a child by my mother. So I ran into my room, holding the doro shut, crying. He tried to pull the door open and I started screaming "Get away, I'm scared." He was crying and said he was sorry and that he loves me, over and over again. After a while, I felt sorry for him because he looked so upset, so I hugged him and patted his back. But When he kept saying "I lvoe you" I felt nothing, so I didn't say anything back. I don't know whether to give him another chance or not. Since I've been in so many abusive relationships and have been hit by boyfriends before, part of me thinks I'm being my stupid old self and that he's going to start beating me. Most of them were nice at first, but after they got comfortable they started hitting me. The other part says that I should give him a chance to show me I'm wrong. What should I do?

[suzanna]

this is a very heated subject. I know how the abuse goes, I grew up in an abusive household for many years. Actually you should try to talk to him about things. Not an arguement but a talk where you tell him exactly how you feel about things and try to understand why he acted the way he did.

 

if you think you can trust him then try to work things out. But if another incident happens similar to that one or resembling any kind of physical, mental or emotional abuse...get out!!