'Just does't love me'

[Goodguy09]

I could write for hours on this, as I'm sure you all understand, but i'll just highlight and hope for some advise I haven't thought of. My wife and I have been together for 5 years, we're young (I'm 29, she's 26) and have no kids. Still, I love her to death and was the happiest guy ever knowing I'd be with her forever. I am a really great guy. I'm not saying that to have an ego, but because many posts i read before joining this site spoke to guys that weren't so great and realized only too late that they needed to change. I have an income twice hers, care for and love her to death, treat her like gold, etc. etc. The only real 'problems' we've ever had stem from her 'flirtatiousness' and things she has done when drinking too much (suprise suprise). For a few years it'd be smaller things, like being too flirty, and we'd talk about it and she'd apologize, etc. Then there were a few times where she caught me off guard saying 'get away' or being rude when I'd try to 'reign her in' (always when drunk)... And last week she finally broke down crying and saying she didn't know if she loved me anymore! We talked for hours, with the conversation revolving around her never thinking her life would be so 'settled', and how she feels more and more like she's been being controlled and that causes her to feel bitter and 'rebel' and be mean to me and that that isn't fair to me. The conversation went well, with us deciding to try to give each other a little more space and try to rectify these feelings. We also concluded that it wasn't that she 'didn't love me' but more about the bitterness over my controlling her that caused a wall... p.s. we both agreed it was appropriate for me to 'reign her in' but also that this is just who she is...

(This is getting long, but you understand). Well anyway, only another week went by and we had another incident of her saying she didn't love me. Again, it comes out when she's drinking, but we always talk about it the next day and the same feelings are there (the booze just lets them out i think, which doesn't surprise me). During another 5 hour talk this time, she even admitted, reluctantly, that she had a one night stand on a work trip a few months back. We both walk away from the situation 'not knowing what to do' and deciding we do need a little independence and alone time (we car pool, live together, have all mutual friends and habits, etc.)... but I'm not sure where this is going to lead.

A last few details... My wife does have some problems, as she knows... She had a horrible upbringing that included sexual abuse from a step parent, parental abandonment, etc. It's the major cause of her sexual issues, drinking issues, etc... we both know that, she obviously needs counceling, etc. etc. But it hasn't happened. In her defense, I thought things were getting better... we go to the gym regularly, eat right, she works 40 hours in a good job (a career job) and we only party on the weekends... I was convinced after that first talk that we'd experienced a 'snowball' effect of her being flirty and getting drunk, me 'reigning her in', her rebeling against that control (remember the psych 101 issues about abuse and control issues, etc.) and the cycle continues and worsens... It made sense, and still does... but the situation seems to have gone way to far... with a one night stand having occurred, and her feeling she doesn't know if she still loves me.

So we're still best friends, can't imagine living without each other, she just doesn't have the 'fire' for me anymore, while I still do. She's unsure and I'm positive that she's all I want... Going off the 'space and time and perspective' things I said before, and after reading some internet sites about not over-talking things, not fighting over it, and agreeing with what she says as options, I've set out this way. I'm trying to be a little more distant, trying to do some things on my own (which isn't normal as we share everything about our lives) and hoping for the best. But I'm also nervous that it's just a bandaid and time waster because maybe it's really just that she doesn't love me. On the other hand, knowing her past, I also wonder if she's just a type that needs the 'hunt' the 'newness' etc. to get some passion in her life.... She's said that that 'heat' (as we've boiled it down to) is what she's missing and really wants. I'm swaying everywhere from questioning if i could do the whole 'open relationship' or some other unorthodox practice of marriage to keep her... all the way to saying "forget this, you cheated, you say you don't love me, and we both know I am a catch, so you win... it's over.... Even though it breaks my heart to think of losing her....

 

 

WHOA... sorry for the length, but i think that covers it and would love any thoughts or common stories. Anyone with experience in this area... or maybe that has tried 'separations' or known anyone like her before that could shead some insight....

[MrMayI]

seems to me like you're getting what the rest of us have gotten. you know for sure she cheated. can you get past that? she essentially gave the whole "not in love with you" spiel. can you also get past that? will you be able to deal with the betrayal of a separation and the seemingly inevitable "heat" that she will possibly find in someone else? just think about it. honestly, your situation is very similar to almost everyone else's. me personally? i'm starting to think if i didn't have a child i'd be gone in a flash.

[Goodguy09]

I'm a smart guy... I know the right thing to do is walk away...I know I'm being mistreated and probably that I'm wasting quality days/months/years of my life trying to keep this going...

Then there's my heart... Could I forgive this. Yeah, I could. I would never forget, and I'd certainly expect to see something very different in her in order to forgive... but ultimately I could. i just love her so *% much that it hurts. My logical side says I'm overly worried about the pragmatics... finding someone else, how to meet people, missing all the things we do together, and that I should focus more on the simple facts that this isn't right to do to myself (oh yeah, and that it's over no matter what I feel)... But the rest of me, my deepest self, crumbles at the thought of losing her.

I guess the bottom line is that I really already have... that you can't make someone love you... that sometimes it's just out of your control... that sometimes life just sucks.

 

New addition to the situation... Tonight was our first chance to 'try some alone time'. Some girlfriends from her work were going out, she went with them, and I kept myself busy. I ran a few errands, drove to see some friends (a very 'unlike' me thing to do) and stayed out until about 2:00. I knew I needed to show my independence and put her back on the 'longing side' if I was going to really show her any perspective on this. Well, it's 2:30 now. She got a ride from a coworker who lives in the area, and I think the bar closed at 1:00 (but certainly at 2:00). So I know what the deal is... she went home with someone. It's sort of unfair how a smokin hot, cool chick can find a guy at any moment... but a guy by himself has to cultivate relationships to connect with any decent girl. Not that I'd be there yet anyway, but still. If it wasn't so easy for her, maybe i'd have a better chance at 'enlightening' her a bit and getting back what we had. So now I sit here wondering what my next move will be. i'll stay up till about 3:00, then hitting the sack. I'm thinking if its best to just sleep, or if I should shoot her a text. Maybe a "hitting the sack, love you"... or a "going to bed, are you coming home tonight?"... or a "going to sleep now, hope you're safe, see you tomorrow".

 

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

[Gunny376]

"I'm 29!"

 

Bail!

 

"Get your @zz OUT!!"

 

Take a 'fool's' advice!

[TroyNJ]

"I'm 29!"

 

Bail!

 

"Get your @zz OUT!!"

 

Take a 'fool's' advice!

 

 

i have to agree with The Gun Man here, get out now with your finances intact, at the very least start a 180..

[Gunny376]

Don't piss away your youth, some of the best years of your life on someone like this!

 

Someone who's disrespecting you! Someone who's not worth spitting on, let alone pissing on if they were on fire!

[mark982]

don't put up w/ her total disrespect for you. she wants out? well out you go--put her stuff to the curb,front yard,whatever.don't want to wait till she gives you something,that modren science can't cure.also close all and any accts. protect,protect,protect.

[seibert253]

Distance, 180, become more withdrawn from her. She needs to miss you, and at the same time see what she's missing. Going to be very hard because you'll just want to hold her and love her. Absolutely the wrong approach. I would go so far as to not even talk about anything but finances. Eventually she'll get mad and ask why you're not talking to her. Pretty simple responce, honey you wanted distance to find yourself, I'm giving it to you. I have to prepare for life without you if that's what it comes to.

This approach is going to do one of two things:

1. Reinforce what she claims she already feels, therefore you can exit this situation swiftly

2. Reinforce the fact if she really loves, then she'll come running back (question is do you really want her to. The way she's disrespected you, I'd probably just bail)

 

Hopefully over time you two can then have "the talk", where you lay out YOUR ground rules for being a couple

1. MC and IC for both of you

2. Partying days are over, for both of you

 

But, while you're giving her distance, prepare yourself an exit stratagy. Open a discreate separate checking account in your name and start stashing money. Consult with an attorney and have D papers prepared. No need to file them yet, but have them ready. Then if she decides she truely "is not in love" anymore, BAM, serve her with D papers. No need to sit around and cry over spilled milk.

Do not give her four forevers to make her decision but give her some time. Most important, do not appear weak, do not be a dormat. Otherwise she will continue to treat you the way she has. You deserve better.

[Goodguy09]

The saga (if you're following it) continues. It's helpful to get this stuff off my chest in real-time... She came home at 5 a.m. I had gotten to sleep finally around 3:00 with some tylenol p.m. and TV on stop my brain from keeping me up. I woke up when the door closed and went downstairs. She was 'distraught looking' but made no immediate attempts to apologize, etc. Was just being a little 'slammy/stompy' around the house. We went to the basement for a cigarette and i asked her what she was being 'slammy' about. She explained that a friends girlfriend had called her and yelled at her that the relationship between her and the friend was 'innapporpriate'. Apparently she called him (he'd been out that night for a while I think) at about 4:00 a.m. from the bar (we haven't said this yet, but clearly she had left the bar with someone else, then gotten dropped back off and needed a ride home). I think he went and got her and dropped her at home, and his girlfriend obviously and rightfully didn't like that. So anyway, I made the mistake a saying a one liner about 'I can understand the GF not liking that'... which she scoffed at. I took back the comment a few minutes later when we were lying in bed and said it wasn't my place to comment. We haven't spoken more yet, and she's still sleeping.

It's 9:30 now, and I'm wondering what the morning will bring. I'm planning to give her the chance to initiate the talk... but i won't wait all day. Enough has happened that (good or not) I will demand a dialogue. But when the talking starts, I'm taking a strong approach of 'okay, you're right, you don't love me and the marriage is over'. I'm going to let her lead the conversation, agreeing with any negative things she says and tying my HARDEST to take the 'pro-divorce' side if she waivers away from it. I'm going to say we need to live as 'roommates' for a while as we plan to get things settled. I'm also going to allow us to put up a front to the family for bit, but I'm taking the ring off (this is my plan anyway) and calling this a true separation. I don't have the strength to think about finances, lawyers, etc yet... but I haven't started a little research. Sad fact is, we still really enjoy each others company and would probably be best friends still if not for the relationship... actually, really sad fact is that if not for the relationship, we'd probably end of GETTING INTO a relationship... because we are perfect together in SOOO many ways.

 

I guess that's what I and most others have been saying. Move towards the ending, and if she turns full circle and sees we are meant to be together, then I decide if and on what grounds. Otherwise, at least I'm moving towards the end.

 

Thanks to everyone for reading... It helps me to hear comments and read others stories, but in truth it helps me a lot to get this down on 'paper' too. The saga will continue and I think I'll keep the story going for grief's sake...

[lkjh]

dude, what the hell. If you don't respect yourself why should she? She gets drunk, flirts, tells you to get away, cheats, and still goes out. Stop being so needy and dump. You have every right to tell your WIFE not to get drunk and flirt, cheat, and go out. Dump her

[lkjh]

by the way you are fooling yourself if you think she has only cheated once

[Woggle]

Stop wasting your life on this woman who doesn't deserve any effort on your part whatsoever. Divorce her and give her the space and freedom she desires. This will end in divorce so get your ducks in a row and file before her. Best believing she is planning her escape so start planning yours.

[TroyNJ]

This is too sad too continue following..

[mark982]

goodguy, no disrespect at all, but you're being a puzzy,jesus man your wifes being a hog and you ain't got no balls to do a damn thing about it? how many minutes does it take to go to the bank and close accts? to call credit card people? get your testicles out of your wifes purse and stand up for yourself. this living together as room mates is crap,she has to suffer for her actions.she wants out-- toss her out.

[hopesndreams]

I hope you do follow through with removing yourself from this abusive situation. NC with her will open your eyes and put you on the right path.

 

There is nothing you can do to change her. What she is doing to you is all her, none of it is your fault. Stop allowing her to drag you into her madness and get into some therapy for yourself and suggest some for her as well.

 

Respect yourself. No one deserves this treatment.

[asuman]

Take a look at your situation.

 

Your wife has already admitted to cheating on you once before. She openly tells you she doesn't love you. And she's so apathetic toward your feelings and disrespectful of you that she brazenly goes out to a bar, hooks up with a guy, has sex with him, and doesn't come home (your "marital" home) until 5 in the morning knowing that you are aware of all of these facts.

 

That is really, really, unbelievable. You have no choice in this situation. End it.

[Jilly Bean]

Man up and grow a pair! (*slap*!)

 

There's a point of being a good guy, and being a doormat. You've now bridged that chasm.

 

She has admitted to cheating on you, comes home at 5AM drunk and with sketchy stories, and you're contemplating what?

 

I know you love her, but you need to love yourself MORE. I can't believe you would consider living together as "roommates". That will blow up the first time she comes home with a dude from a bar, which isn't far off.

 

I think your marriage fell apart because your wife can't handle anyone treating her well, and you treated her TOO well. So, she's craving drama and strife, and since you won't provide it, she's seeking it outside the home.

 

Ask her to move out.