high standards and unfulfilled expectations (fear of rejection)

[oakstar]

ok my story is long and it might be odd for some, but i'll try to cut it short

i have a lot to say- and i hope this makes sense. i'm afraid to have an intimate relationship with a person i'm close to. out of fear of rejection.

 

i'm 27 - never had a serious relationship with a girl - and everytime i had the chance to - never could open up to confess- or even make a move

girls i've become attracted to and became close to just became good friends - and i never make the first move to progress the relationship, no matter how much i want it, i can't bring myself to do it! i can go to clubs and find random girls who i don't find so attractive and just fool around with them.. but not want to continue the relationship, and that's ok.. the problem is with girls i find attractive and actually care for - out of extreme anxiety and fear of rejection.

MY MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT WHEN I BECOME TOO COMFORTABLE WITH A PERSON AND LACK "THE CHASE" , I GROW QUIET, AND APATHETIC, AND BECOME AN EXTREMELY BORING PERSON IN MY OPINION

AND THAT'S WHEN I SUBCONCIOUSLY PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. and then i have to start over. i have NO friends who are true confidants. and i barely know who I AM.

 

there's this one girl who claimed she sees me only as a friend - she's extremely attractive - exactly my type - and i've never tried to kiss her nor talk to her about our relationship. neither did i ever delve into her own relationships with other guys. for the last 6 months she would come over to my apt nearly everyday, and we'd just chill on the couch and just be comfortable with me and friends - most times alone. but i never tried to kiss or touch her - even when we go out my other friends who know her put the moves on her but i never did. out of respect.

she's an extremely sexual person, and very romantic, the kind i'm looking for, but we're so deep into the friendship that i won't make a move on her out of respect. i can think of at least 3 times when i missed out on a "perfect kiss moment" but didn't do it. and felt deep regret afterwards. she was so attached to me.. at times when she was hurt by other guys and insecure, i was there for her. she had complete trust in me, and i wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to be more than just friends.

 

i've had conversations with her when she got so annoyed by me and my behavior, she said "don't you ever get horny? why don't you have a girlfriend?" i wanted to tell her there and then that i wanted her but didn't. i'm a wuss aren't i?

 

she's not the first to say i'm completely different from all guys she's ever known. reasons she wouldn't date me are: i'm too apathetic, my body language shows signs of low self esteem, and she says that i'm not aware of it all. i'm highly aware of it, but cannot change who i am.

it's so easy to tell she cares a lot for me.

 

now that girl is just another obsession, i have to move on. when i fall for a girl and just become their best friend, i won't take to the next level no matter how much i can feel she wants it and i hate that. this happens because of bad past experiences. everytime i tell myself this time will be different. it never does.

 

 

thanks for reading

[oakstar]

i'm a very honest and openminded person , just not very openmouthed.

my question is this = how do i explain my previous inexperience with new women i meet without scaring them off? that's probably the root of all my anxiety.

[Samari]

It sounds like you already know the solution to your problem. You just have an issue executing it. But when it's all said and done, that is the part you have to do yourself. We here can't help you with that. It's not out of the ordinary to experience apprehensiveness with women due to fear of rejection. But the key here is to not let your fear justify your actions. You have to act accordingly in the opposition to your fear. Women like confidence in a guy. You even eluded to this in your own post and you advocated that you are anything but that type when making an impression on girls. Can't do that if you want to get a female's interest. You have to do this on your own. If you get rejected so what. Who cares? Honestly, it happens to everyone. Just don't dwell on it and move on. Be patient and another opportunity will present itself. Then try again if you think you are starting clicking with someone.

[ai75]

This is my first attempt at a pulling multiple quotes out of a post, hope it works. Dude, you sound exactly like me (soon to be the previous me) but to a slightly higher level. I'm 27 as well, only had 3 GFs my whole life. First was the only true relationship, 2.5 yrs and it began just before I turned 18. Second was a friends to lovers thing that I never wanted but just happened out of convenience (not attracted to her) and only lasted 6 months. Third just ended, and it was a sh*t show and developed under very intense and unique circumstances, lasting 7 brutal months (actually the reason I joined this site). I'm determined to make a change, so should you.

 

I, much like yourself, am petrified when it comes to approaching / advancing with women I am attracted to. Approach anxiety, fear of rejection have ruled my life. My love life has been sporadic between the aforementioned GFs, always me being approached by acceptable looking women over the years (some better than others, haha). I don't like saying this, but the most attractive woman I ever slept with was an act of vengance and infidelity when I was with my most recent GF... sad thing is, because I was so angry with my GF, such a toxic relationship, I held nothing back and pursued this super hottie to make myself feel better and it actually materialized. Lesson learned: I was confident, had no fear of rejection, and just went for it. Bada bing.

 

Anyways, re: your post.

 

and i barely know who I AM.

 

Figure this out ASAP. Your identity defines you and women pick up on this. They want a man who knows what he stands for and what he is all about. Passion is sexy, even if the object of your affection isn't necessarily into whatever it may be that you are, a passionate man turns a woman on and opposites DO attract... hobbies, music, career direction, thoughts on life, etc. figure it out.

 

MY MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT WHEN I BECOME TOO COMFORTABLE WITH A PERSON AND LACK "THE CHASE" , I GROW QUIET, AND APATHETIC, AND BECOME AN EXTREMELY BORING PERSON IN MY OPINION

AND THAT'S WHEN I SUBCONCIOUSLY PUSH PEOPLE AWAY.

 

Okay, you've ID'd it... now figure out how to fix it... again, this has to do with figuring out who you are.

 

now that girl is just another obsession, i have to move on.

 

99.9% accurate. You've known her for 6 months right? She tells you about her relationships with men? You're dead in the water... dead in 'friend zone' to be more accurate. Now if you think she's super awesome its probably worth a shot to tell her how you feel. Actually you should. Why? B/c if you stay friends with her, you'll be miserable because you like her so much. If you let her know how you feel, then either you get her or it becomes awkward and you aren't BFF anymore and you move on. Win/win situation if you ask me.

 

the problem is with girls i find attractive and actually care for - out of extreme anxiety and fear of rejection.

 

Get over it. Any girl you know for a few hours, days, or weeks won't reject you. She'll reject the weak, feeble, scared little boy that's tripping over his words and not looking her in the eye. Confidence is key... fake it until its real. I've done it and not too long ago. Guess what? Getting rejected is awesome! Why? B/c its not as bad as you think (this may not make sense at first). And you realize how lame you come across and learn from it. Think about it, nobody is MVP of the league in their rookie season.

 

i'm highly aware of it, but cannot change who i am.

 

Don't you ever say or think this crap again. Do you really think some guys are just born chick magnets? The answer is yes. Others work on it, find security in themselves, find their identity, become interesting people, hit the gym and start approaching women with INTENT. Unless you can look in the mirror and say "I'm the shi*t", no woman will think that either.

 

Much easier said than done, but that's life dude. Good luck!

[girl68]

You can change. You choose not to.

 

FYI: you can put moves on a girl, RESPECTFULLY. In your head any move is disrespect. You're wrong, and you have been for the last 27 years. Get over that, and fast.

 

You need NOT explain your inexperience to women unless they ask. And should they ask your answer is simple: "haven't yet met a girl I'd like to take it to that level yet", *wink* as you smirk. She'll get all giddy if she likes you.

 

Your lack of confidence and your desire to be the holder of utmost respect, is the things holding you back. Respect does not mean not making a move. Respect is making a move- tastefully.