Pregnant by MM

[DESTIE]

Destie its very clear that you are extremely confused and hurt and that you are having this child to stay connected to this man.

 

You dont want his money, you dont want him to leave his W. I think you are just protecting yourself from flames. Of COURSE you want him. You wouldnt be having his child if you didnt. You would have been able to go through with it when you went to the clinic (others will disagree on moral grounds but if you were that morally opposed to abortion you wouldnt have even thought of it as an option; I dont disagree I think that would have been a good solution here).

 

But you are having this baby. You have to accept that he is NOT a part of your life in a romantic sense. He is not interested in being a part of this child's life. You have chosen a path which is very admirable in many ways but it means that you are in this alone.

 

As others have said this man has given you BAD advice on your rights and his Ws rights. He is liable for child support, in some states such as California, the parents' income is taken into account. And look at the recent celebrity divorces, does any child need hundreds of thousands of dollars in support for necessary expenses? they dont. He has a LOT to lose and he doesnt want you to know that.

 

As someone else said, you can be SURE that he is losing a lot of sleep over this.

 

I know someone who was the man in this situation only he was single. He was wonderfu to the woman during her pregnancy - beyond wonderful. And she has spent every day since HATING HIM and trying to take him to the cleaners because while he is willing to pay support, he doesnt love the mother. And she will never forgive him for not loving her, no matter how much money he throws at the situation it will never make up for the fact that he didnt marry her; that they arent a family.

 

You dont have to admit anything on a public forum, but be honest with yourself. NOTHING he can do or say will make up for the fact that he doesnt want to raise this child with you and that when you told him you were pregnant he didnt say sweetheart, I love you, I cant think of anything better than raising a family with you, I will tell my wife about us. i am leaving.

 

That is not how your story unfolded. Its understandable you are disappointed. But that is not how it is.

 

Dont be a fool. Unless you have substantial independent means, you want the child support.

 

But dont make the mistake of thinking you can seek revenge on him for not loving you the way you want to be loved by using the pregnancy to get back at him. You can try. You can make everyone's lives miserable but you cant force him to be a father to your child.

 

Getting a lawyer involved at the earliest possible stage is the best course of action.

 

I wont even comment on the position his poor W is in. Its shameful that her H is keeping this information from her, but she is not posting, you are.

 

And be realistic. He is going to demand proof that he is the father and fight you every step of the way. Going to his W now without proof of paternity would be a big mistake.

 

Also if he is your boss, how is this going to impact your job? Have you thought about that?

 

You need a lawyer ASAP the last thing you want is to wind up pregnant and unemployed suing him for sexual discrimination on top of everything else. The standard thing here would be to fire you (downsizing bad economic climate your performance wasnt stellar or was but times are tough). That way you are no longer a problem....

 

You need to get very very smart and start protecting yourself (unless of course finances are not a concern and you dont need his money or your job).

 

The one thing that I do agree with, is it hurt that he wants no part of his childs life. I will say once again I have never wanted him to leave and he knows this. We have both joked in the past how we would never work as a couple so us being together was never a goal in all of this. But I have said all of that before and you all will assume that I am lying so I won't address this issue again.

 

And yes you're right, having him help financially would be in my families best interest but I don't want him or anyone else to think that this is about the money b/c its not.

 

Of course he will ask for a DNA test, I said as much in a previous post. I am not being naive. I am fine with this since I have nothing to hide.

 

I am not trying to be vindictive or spiteful at all. The fact of the matter is this is his child and regardless of how much he doesn't want her he is responsible for her.

 

As far as my job goes I have 7 weeks left there and then I will be going out on a 6 mth sabbatical and I have decided I will not be going back. I will look for other employment in that time. Yes he could fire me if he chose but I have conversations and emails from him regarding this situation and I am sure he does not want to risk the possibility of losing his job when all he has to do is wait it out 7wks.

[jj33]

What about maternity leave? I assume you have thought of all of this. If you are leaving while you are pregnant, you will lose all the health care benefits that would otherwise be available at your current job.

 

Good lawyer. Now...

[MistyK]

As far as my job goes I have 7 weeks left there and then I will be going out on a 6 mth sabbatical and I have decided I will not be going back. I will look for other employment in that time. Yes he could fire me if he chose but I have conversations and emails from him regarding this situation and I am sure he does not want to risk the possibility of losing his job when all he has to do is wait it out 7wks.

 

 

That, and the fact that you could sue him for sexual harrassment (big time!) and when you have no income, that changes the amount of support he'd have to give you to a HUGE number.

[sugarmomma]

.

 

Sugar, this man owes HER nothing in the sense of money. If money is going to be paid out, it'll be to his/their child, not to the OW directly so she can live off of it.

 

 

I know the money is not for her. But her child could come out of this with almost nothing.

[MistyK]

What about maternity leave? I assume you have thought of all of this. If you are leaving while you are pregnant, you will lose all the health care benefits that would otherwise be available at your current job.

 

Good lawyer. Now...

 

She'll still be getting paid for another 6 months (sabbatical - I presume she's a college professor?), well after baby's born and have health care. She said she would use this time to get another job, so it sounds like a good plan.

[jj33]

I dont remember how many months pregnant she is, but if there is any question about continuing health care Destie should negotiate that and make sure the pregnancy is taken care of.

 

As for the SH if she isnt fired and it was a consensual affair... that wouldnt seem like a good option. She would virtually ruin her chances of being rehired anywhere. Its not supposed to happen that way, but in practice I think it does.

[norajane]

And yes you're right, having him help financially would be in my families best interest but I don't want him or anyone else to think that this is about the money b/c its not.

 

Then what is it about?

 

You say you don't want or expect him to leave his wife. That you know he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. And you say it's not about the money.

 

So what is this about for you?

[whichwayisup]

And yes you're right, having him help financially would be in my families best interest but I don't want him or anyone else to think that this is about the money b/c its not.

 

But it IS in some sense. Because if it wasn't, you wouldn't be asking anything of him since he's more or less made it clear he doesn't want to help you bring up the child.

 

Any money you DO get from him will be decided through the courts. Money for his daughter, not money for you. There's no way ANY court is going to give 'spousal' support to the OW. If anyone is going to get that it'll be his wife IF they get divorced.

 

The fact of the matter is this is his child and regardless of how much he doesn't want her he is responsible for her.

 

So again, it does come to money. You cannot make him responsible for her if he chooses NOT to be in her life as a father. If he chooses to be a part of her life, then custody or visitation will be an issue, or the courts will decide. Either way, if he and his wife do stay toether, you'll have to know she is going to be a part of your child's life, step mom. That is, if everyone is mature and handles it well and everyone puts the kids first and checks their ego's/hurt feelings aside.

[NoIDidn't]

That, and the fact that you could sue him for sexual harrassment (big time!) and when you have no income, that changes the amount of support he'd have to give you to a HUGE number.

 

 

Umm, that would be a HUGE "No".

 

He's not her H. The courts are not going to make him responsible for her too.

[jj33]

I know the money is not for her. But her child could come out of this with almost nothing.

 

If the child is being adequately supported, the child has no right to come out of it with anything financially. Im not sure what you mean by that?

 

iUnless they live in Louisiana there are no forced heirship laws, so its not like the child would ever be entitled to any inheritance unless he died intestate and had an entitlement under state law.

 

But you can be sure his W will insist his Will is drawn so that the child only gets whatever she is entitled to under any child support agreement that Destie enters into with him, e.g a term insurance policy on his life so that if he dies while the child is a minor support payments are talem care of.

[whichwayisup]

How can she sue him for sexual harrassment when she KNOWINGLY entered the affair? Misty I don't know where you're getting your info from, but it's totally wrong.

 

THIS GUY IS NOT GIVING DES a cent-Again, any money given out will be for the baby only! He owes Des NOTHING, not a dime.

[NoIDidn't]

That, and the fact that you could sue him for sexual harrassment (big time!) and when you have no income, that changes the amount of support he'd have to give you to a HUGE number.

 

And on the sexual harrassment thing. She should sue him for sexual harrassment that was consensual?

 

Seriously?

 

Just how does a woman get pregnant from sexual harrassment? Misty, you are not making any sense now.

 

She is CHOOSING to leave her job. He's is avoiding her since she is keeping the baby. Just how is she going to prove sexual harrassment? Is she now going to claim she was raped?

[whichwayisup]

If that is the case Misty, then HE could sue HER for harrassment and entrapment!! She told him she wouldn't keep the baby, not to worry and then she changed her mind, wants the baby and wants his money too.

 

I can understand why he is freaking out!

[jj33]

Excatly NID and WWIU. If she is not fired there would be no grounds and it would only make her a pariah professionally.

 

As for my post above about the child even if Des didnt go for support the childs entitlement if any under state law wouldnt be changed (but proving paternity gets more difficult).

 

Destie cant say it enough times, this is a very difficult situation and you need s lawyer, the sooner the better. Relying on him or thinking you will deal with it at the time means you are going into this unprepared. Thats not fair to you or to your child.

[MistyK]

I am NOT advising she file for harrassment. I'm not saying she even has merits. I'm just saying the fear of her saying he pressured her into the affair to keep her job and getting a SH settlement may make him feel a little more generous.

 

Can we all get OFF IT? Destie knows she's not entitled to anything, and that her child is. We all know the wife can get support for herself and the child. Destie never said otherwise, so let's drop this soapbox issue.

[jj33]

 

Now I am 5 mths and I have decided I wanted him to be honest about this baby.

 

After some very deep and sometimes mean conversations I realized that he would never come around and it would probably be best for him to not be in her life.

 

Do I reach out to the wife and tell her about the baby? I don't want to ruin his home but I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences.

 

I would prefer we all came up with some type of agreement without going to the courts. Or should I wait and go to court and let that be the W's first time knowing of the child?

 

 

Also I will be leaving my job in 7 weeks so us working together will not be an issue.

 

Sorry Destie there are so many replies I lost the fact that you had given us this informatoin.

 

But you were very frank in your post. The bolded sentence is really what this is about.

 

This WILL have consequences for him. How could it not.

[whichwayisup]

Seems he changed his tune after you told him you changed your mind and wanted to keep the baby. I feel for him, even though he is the one who cheated, made this mess and now has to face it all, but you did change your mind. That's the thing. And yeah, you do have every right to, but all I'm saying is, men get the short end of the stick when it comes to stuff like this.

 

I just hope that later in life, if he chooses to see his daughter, get to know her, you won't stand in his way - Even if it's 2, 4 or 10 years from now..Since he more or less WILL be paying child support. His name will be on the birth certificate so he will have some rights, even if right now he doesn't want to be involved on an emotional level.

[norajane]

And yes you're right, having him help financially would be in my families best interest but I don't want him or anyone else to think that this is about the money b/c its not.

 

Do I reach out to the wife and tell her about the baby? I don't want to ruin his home but I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences.

 

So is this about punishing him? For not wanting to be with you, or for not wanting to be a father? Is that why you are asking about telling his wife?

[DESTIE]

How can she sue him for sexual harrassment when she KNOWINGLY entered the affair? Misty I don't know where you're getting your info from, but it's totally wrong.

 

THIS GUY IS NOT GIVING DES a cent-Again, any money given out will be for the baby only! He owes Des NOTHING, not a dime.

 

Obviously you know nothing about how court ordered child support works. The father pays a set amount to the mother for the child. Like I have said before I do not want it to be handled this way. I do not get CS for my other 2 children b/c me and the father agreed on how he would help out. But this money does go to the mother. My mother got it for all 5 of us from our father and it was not sent as a check to us it was sent as a check in her name.

[NoIDidn't]

I am NOT advising she file for harrassment. I'm not saying she even has merits. I'm just saying the fear of her saying he pressured her into the affair to keep her job and getting a SH settlement may make him feel a little more generous.

 

Can we all get OFF IT? Destie knows she's not entitled to anything, and that her child is. We all know the wife can get support for herself and the child. Destie never said otherwise, so let's drop this soapbox issue.

 

Really, you're not advising it but saying she could use it as leverage. How is that any better?

 

I will get off this as you request, but need to say again that she doesn't have grounds to claim sexual harrassment. I can only imagine how poorly that is going to go over. That, and she'll just render herself unemployable.

 

Causing him to lose his job over a farce is hardly going to be helpful to her child.

[NoIDidn't]

Obviously you know nothing about how court ordered child support works. The father pays a set amount to the mother for the child. Like I have said before I do not want it to be handled this way. I do not get CS for my other 2 children b/c me and the father agreed on how he would help out. But this money does go to the mother. My mother got it for all 5 of us from our father and it was not sent as a check to us it was sent as a check in her name.

 

You are missing her meaning. The money might go TO you but it is FOR your child. Not FOR you.

 

I think she understands how it works just fine.

[whichwayisup]

My mother got it for all 5 of us from our father and it was not sent as a check to us it was sent as a check in her name.

 

The difference is, your parents were married to EACHOTHER and you're NOT married to the MM so again, ANY MONEY you get is for your baby. Not for you to spend on you or that money to spend on your other kids. Money is for the baby you share with him only.

 

Thanks NID, that's exactly what I meant.

[jj33]

Destie you are going back and forth every other minute which is understandable.

 

You want him in her life, you realize he doesnt want that. You want him to be accountable, you want child support, you dont want his money.

 

You dont want to go to the courts but you know you must.

 

Im sure its all very confusing. And dont be ashamed that it is about the money. Raising a child is expensive. And of course its about the money.

 

And of course its about punishing him on some emotional level. There are VERY few women in your position who wouldnt feel that way. Objectively you may not want to, but its normal that you would. Much as its unfair to men that they dont get the choice its the way it is.

 

Having a child is different than anything else. Easy to say he shouldnt have to pay, the baby can be put up for adoption, if you want it you are on your own, but its a baby. And you will be carrying it for 9 months and I can imagine giving it up would be difficult. Its all a mess. But for better or worse society has not given fathers the option of deciding whether a baby will be born or whether they have to pay for its support if it is not given up for adoption.

[DESTIE]

So is this about punishing him? For not wanting to be with you, or for not wanting to be a father? Is that why you are asking about telling his wife?

 

I was asking about telling his wife to other W's. How would they like the situation to be handled. To never find out and have a teenager show up on her doorstep 18 yrs later. Or if we end up going to court finding out once the DNA test comes back that she is his? Yes it bothers me he wants no parts of her but thats his choice. If it was about ruining his home life I could of went to her a long time ago.

 

I'm not addressing the part about us being together anymore.

[DESTIE]

The difference is, your parents were married to EACHOTHER and you're NOT married to the MM so again, ANY MONEY you get is for your baby. Not for you to spend on you or that money to spend on your other kids. Money is for the baby you share with him only.

 

Thanks NID, that's exactly what I meant.

 

Of course thats what its for. Your post was I won't get a dime.