Pregnant by MM

[jj33]

If you go to her before the baby is born you have to expect that she may not believe you.

 

You could write her a letter and include one of his emails where he admits to being the father. I would suggest waiting the 7 weeks until you are out of the workplace.

 

Does HR know he is the father? Do they know you are pregnant?

 

Much as you dont want to, you will have to go to court. You need to formally establish paterntiy. Even if he agrees to some form of payment which seems unlikely, you need to be certain he isnt going to stop making payments in a year or 3.

[whichwayisup]

No, you misread. YOU won't get a dime, but your CHILD will. Even if it comes in your name the intention is that money goes to your child. That is what I meant all along.

[DESTIE]

Destie you are going back and forth every other minute which is understandable.

 

You want him in her life, you realize he doesnt want that. You want him to be accountable, you want child support, you dont want his money.

 

You dont want to go to the courts but you know you must.

 

Im sure its all very confusing. And dont be ashamed that it is about the money. Raising a child is expensive. And of course its about the money.

 

And of course its about punishing him on some emotional level. There are VERY few women in your position who wouldnt feel that way. Objectively you may not want to, but its normal that you would. Much as its unfair to men that they dont get the choice its the way it is.

 

Having a child is different than anything else. Easy to say he shouldnt have to pay, the baby can be put up for adoption, if you want it you are on your own, but its a baby. And you will be carrying it for 9 months and I can imagine giving it up would be difficult. Its all a mess. But for better or worse society has not given fathers the option of deciding whether a baby will be born or whether they have to pay for its support if it is not given up for adoption.

 

Yes you're right, I am very confused. If things could be any way I wanted them to be he would accept his child and love her as he does his son. But thats not my reality. So yes, I guess a part of this could be seen as punishing him for not loving her b/c honestly if he was there for her CS would never be an issue. A part of me wants him to realize he is not going to walk away from her and forget she exists. Yes I was wrong for getting involved with him, and yes I should of taken precautions to make sure I didn't get pregnant. But it happened and just like I have to deal with it so does he.

[NoIDidn't]

Of course thats what its for. Your post was I won't get a dime.

 

Destie, this is nitpicking. Of course you will get a dime, but its not for you. Its for the child.`

[NoIDidn't]

Yes I was wrong for getting involved with him, and yes I should of taken precautions to make sure I didn't get pregnant. But it happened and just like I have to deal with it so does he.

 

But you've already stated that you were on birth control. Now you are saying that you didn't take precautions to make sure you didn't get pregnant?

[DESTIE]

If you go to her before the baby is born you have to expect that she may not believe you.

 

You could write her a letter and include one of his emails where he admits to being the father. I would suggest waiting the 7 weeks until you are out of the workplace.

 

Does HR know he is the father? Do they know you are pregnant?

 

Much as you dont want to, you will have to go to court. You need to formally establish paterntiy. Even if he agrees to some form of payment which seems unlikely, you need to be certain he isnt going to stop making payments in a year or 3.

 

Yes HR knows I am pregnant but not that its his, there are rumors though. I will definitely be filing a petition for paternity as soon as she is born.

 

I thought of writing a letter, but like you said it will have to be once I am gone.

[jj33]

All you can do at this point is to look forward. Does your family know? Are they being supportive? How about your other children?

 

And protect yourself. Find a lawyer in the next week or so. Find out what his obligations are in your state and what you need to do to protect yourself.

 

Your sabbatical will start at the end of August? That means you will have about 3-4 months paid after the baby is born?

 

What if you dont get a new job? can you go back to the current job? You do need advice. Once things get into motion, if you needed to go back to this job, you need to make sure he cant block that.

[whichwayisup]

Yes you're right, I am very confused. If things could be any way I wanted them to be he would accept his child and love her as he does his son. But thats not my reality. So yes, I guess a part of this could be seen as punishing him for not loving her b/c honestly if he was there for her CS would never be an issue. A part of me wants him to realize he is not going to walk away from her and forget she exists. Yes I was wrong for getting involved with him, and yes I should of taken precautions to make sure I didn't get pregnant. But it happened and just like I have to deal with it so does he.

Yes he does have to deal with it, but you have to let him react or feel the way he does. Noone can control or tell him how to feel about it. Maybe he'll change his mind when he sees the baby, or sees a picture of her, who knows? Everything has been turned upside down for both of you, emotions are running really high right now too - You're angry, hurt and he is feeling betrayed by you since you changed your mind and now he is TERRIFIED of losing what he has at home, ruining his wife's life, hurting his kids too. It's not a nice situation to be in.

 

Just keep the focus on your baby - Don't try to mess him up, go out of your way to beat him up in court if it comes to that. Also, you don't need added emotional stress during your pregnancy so make sure you take care of yourself.

[DESTIE]

But you've already stated that you were on birth control. Now you are saying that you didn't take precautions to make sure you didn't get pregnant?

 

Meaning other precautions such as a condom since everyone bashed me about not making him wear one. I have been on BC for years and it hasn't failed me before.

[DESTIE]

All you can do at this point is to look forward. Does your family know? Are they being supportive? How about your other children?

 

And protect yourself. Find a lawyer in the next week or so. Find out what his obligations are in your state and what you need to do to protect yourself.

 

Your sabbatical will start at the end of August? That means you will have about 3-4 months paid after the baby is born?

 

What if you dont get a new job? can you go back to the current job? You do need advice. Once things get into motion, if you needed to go back to this job, you need to make sure he cant block that.

 

My family is being great. They don't know him or that he's married but they do know the father wants nothing to do with the baby and are willing to help however they can.

 

I will definitely start looking for lawyers and make sure that I am prepared after her delivery. I am done the last week of August and I will be out until mid Feb. If I don't find another job I will be able to go back in a different department, thats why I am trying to cause the least amount of drama as possible. I have already talked to the higher ups and I have a few that are would love to have me in their departments.

[MistyK]

Really, you're not advising it but saying she could use it as leverage. How is that any better?

 

I will get off this as you request, but need to say again that she doesn't have grounds to claim sexual harrassment. I can only imagine how poorly that is going to go over. That, and she'll just render herself unemployable.

 

Causing him to lose his job over a farce is hardly going to be helpful to her child.

 

That's not what I meant. It's lost back several pages but I think Destie said something about this being a concern of his. I would never advocate using it is a threat, especially when it has no real merit. All i meant was that if he can't muster sympathy for his child, maybe fear for his own skin will make him do the right thing for your child with him.

 

Obviously no one wants him to lose his job. Then he can't support Destie's child, or the family he wants to support.

[NoIDidn't]

Meaning other precautions such as a condom since everyone bashed me about not making him wear one. I have been on BC for years and it hasn't failed me before.

 

Okay, just clarifying. You know us people on forums are antsy. LOL.

 

A personal question: how has the pregnancy been so far? Regardless of the legalities you are in for, you should still enjoy your pregnancy since you've decided to be a Mom again.

[whichwayisup]

They don't know him or that he's married but they do know the father wants nothing to do with the baby and are willing to help however they can.

 

You are omitting the 'truth' from your own family? Sorry, but ofcourse they support you not only because you're their daughter but because they have no idea that you got involved with a MM, what you originally said about not having the baby, then you changing your mind. How do you think your folks will feel once they know the truth? Sorry to be harsh, but lying/omitting the fact that you had an affair with a MM isn't the right way of dealing with this, in the end it could come back and bite you more.

[Athena]

My family is being great. They don't know him or that he's married but they do know the father wants nothing to do with the baby and are willing to help however they can.

I see you were unwilling to be truthful with your own family about the father of your baby being a married man, so that spares you being judged... right? Now have the same empathy for HIM, so that he doesn't have to be judged either... sure he should help financially, but don't 'expose' him, esp. since you made sure not to 'expose' YOUR own wrongdoing...

 

Also, I do not think you should tell the wife, ever. You and he had a tryst. You owe him your loyalty at least to the extent of not ratting him out to the very same wife you helped him betray.

 

Let him know that all you expect is financial support. Perhaps he will come around by that time on his own.

Try and not be revengeful on MM, while at the same time seeking the support your child will need.

[DESTIE]

That's not what I meant. It's lost back several pages but I think Destie said something about this being a concern of his. I would never advocate using it is a threat, especially when it has no real merit. All i meant was that if he can't muster sympathy for his child, maybe fear for his own skin will make him do the right thing for your child with him.

 

Obviously no one wants him to lose his job. Then he can't support Destie's child, or the family he wants to support.

 

I get what you were saying. He knows that firing me was never an option. When he first suggested telling his wife I told him to wait until after I was gone b/c I knew that she would want me gone. He said that he knew he couldn't do that b/c it was against the law.

 

BUT it did get to a point in us arguing where he sent me emails saying if I didn't have an abortion he would do everything in his power to make my life at work hell and to make sure that me coming back was not an option. He dropped that fast because he knew of the legal ramifications behind it.

[jj33]

Well... I do hope you saved those emails. Keep them safe. If things get ugly you may need them in the future.

 

Rest assured he dropped it because he knew he was an IDIOT for saying it in writing. Even he can spell Title VII (the sex discrimination.sexual harrassment statute).

[DESTIE]

You are omitting the 'truth' from your own family? Sorry, but ofcourse they support you not only because you're their daughter but because they have no idea that you got involved with a MM, what you originally said about not having the baby, then you changing your mind. How do you think your folks will feel once they know the truth? Sorry to be harsh, but lying/omitting the fact that you had an affair with a MM isn't the right way of dealing with this, in the end it could come back and bite you more.

 

The only reason why I haven't told them is b/c I was originally going to do it alone, there was no reason for them to know. My family is not judgemental and they love me unconditionally, I am not worried.

[jj33]

Well... I do hope you saved those emails. Keep them safe. If things get ugly you may need them in the future.

 

Rest assured he dropped it because he knew he was an IDIOT for saying it in writing. Even he can spell Title VII (the sex discrimination.sexual harrassment statute).

 

This is EXACTLY what I meant before about him trying to get you fired and making it look like its just business as usual. He is probably kicking himself for those emails.

 

I hate to say it honey, but you may have a real fight on your hands. Be prepared.

[whichwayisup]

If this goes to court then they deserve to know the truth. Anyway if your family is loving and supportive, not judgemental, why didn't you tell them you were dating and having an affair with a MM? Just wondering.

[DESTIE]

Okay, just clarifying. You know us people on forums are antsy. LOL.

 

A personal question: how has the pregnancy been so far? Regardless of the legalities you are in for, you should still enjoy your pregnancy since you've decided to be a Mom again.

 

Yes I am enjoying pregnancy all over again. It seems like the first time since my baby has just turned 10.

[NoIDidn't]

I get what you were saying. He knows that firing me was never an option. When he first suggested telling his wife I told him to wait until after I was gone b/c I knew that she would want me gone. He said that he knew he couldn't do that b/c it was against the law.

 

BUT it did get to a point in us arguing where he sent me emails saying if I didn't have an abortion he would do everything in his power to make my life at work hell and to make sure that me coming back was not an option. He dropped that fast because he knew of the legal ramifications behind it.

 

Geez, what kind of idiot sends emails with that kind of incriminating evidence in them?!

 

Maybe you DO have a hostile work environment claim, but not a sexual harrassment one. Yuck.

 

This is just an ugly situation.

[NoIDidn't]

Well... I do hope you saved those emails. Keep them safe. If things get ugly you may need them in the future.

 

Rest assured he dropped it because he knew he was an IDIOT for saying it in writing. Even he can spell Title VII (the sex discrimination.sexual harrassment statute).

 

I don't think she can still claim sexual harrassment, but I don't know about this Title. I'm going to check it out.

 

But he was certainly creating a hostile work environment. Probably still is.

 

And the bad part is that if she took this to court, his side would make her look worse than him if they could.

[DESTIE]

If this goes to court then they deserve to know the truth. Anyway if your family is loving and supportive, not judgemental, why didn't you tell them you were dating and having an affair with a MM? Just wondering.

 

I don't have a problem telling my family. They never knew of him b/c we were not dating, and it's none of my families business who I choose to have sex with.

[jj33]

Hostile work environment is type of sexual harrassment.sex discrimination claim. Title VII is the statute for discrimination (sex, race color ethinicity etc). She couldnt claim sexual harrassment/discrimination over the affair, but I am almost certain that email would allow her to make a colorable claim that he wanted her fired after the affair.

 

And her employer would be very very unhappy about the whole thing.

 

An email like that is a smoking gun that leads pre filing negotiations right to settlement. I doubt she would even have to file in court. The employer wouldnt want to take a chance that a jury or judge would find in her favor when he said in writing he would do that.

[NoIDidn't]

Okay, looked it up and came across this tidbit from the EEOC site:

 

It is helpful for the victim to directly inform the harasser that the conduct is unwelcome and must stop. The victim should use any employer complaint mechanism or grievance system available.

 

 

When investigating allegations of sexual harassment, EEOC looks at the whole record: the circumstances, such as the nature of the sexual advances, and the context in which the alleged incidents occurred. A determination on the allegations is made from the facts on a case-by-case basis.

 

Prevention is the best tool to eliminate sexual harassment in the workplace.

 

Based on this alone, she'd be hard pressed to make a case of harrassment considering it grew out of a consensual affair. But his threats, his written threats, will cause him to lose his job and the employer would be willing to pay her to keep the rest of it quiet.

 

This is quite a mess. They always say 'don't shxt where you eat'. And I say this concerning HIM. What was he thinking when he sent those emails?!!! I can understand feeling that way, but not putting in an email and hitting 'Send'.