Pregnant by MM

[tami-chan]

I would not make the choice that Destie chose but it is her life and she gets to make that call. Having said that, I agree with Gamine when she said our "word is our honor"...and yet strange that some of us are willing to work through or even forgive our cheating husbands who clearly did not keep their "word"-they loved us, too, no? and yet not give Destie a reprieve, so to speak, to change her mind. Clearly, a double standard, a definite line drawn in the sand.

 

Why do some of us give our cheating husband second chances? they did not keep their word, no? why do we continue to love them? why are we willing to work through the the pain to save the marriage?

 

and here's Destie...she said, MM will not have to be a part on the baby's life at all...and yet the reality of the situation hits her and she changes her mind...sorry, she needs financial help with the baby. Why can't we allow her that? There is an innocent life who will be affected by all these, an innocent life who ACTUALLY does not get to make his/her two cents known.

 

Why is accidental pregnancy the sole responsibility of Destie? You know that is BS. MM has a responsibility to himself. If he didn't want children with her there were things he could have done to himself or for himself to make sure there were no accidental pregnancies.

 

Gamine as a "corporate executive" you know, there was an ethical boundary that was crossed by the MM. He is the boss, he should be fired.

[herenow]

I haven't read this whole thread so forgive me if this has been said.

 

Since the OP asked for BW opinions, here goes.

 

If my H impregnated an OW and she was having the baby, our marriage would definitely be OVER! No if, ands or buts. NO second chances.

 

I believe that the BW should be told about the affair with or without a pregnancy. So, yes, the BW should know IMO.

 

The first thing I would do is file for divorce and make sure that my kids were first on the list to be taken care of. Forget the BW part, I would be the most ferocious mother any OW ever met. You can mess with me, but never with my kids.

 

As far as the OW's baby, it would not my issue to deal with. I would leave it up to my H on how he wanted to deal with our kids and his new child with the OW. He would be responsible to explain the situation to our kids and they could choose f they want to be a part of their half siblings life.

 

To be clear, had my H and I divorced after his affair, our kids would not be told about the affair. I hope they never find out. We would have both taken equal responsibility for the divorce and continued to parent together.

 

When there is a child created by an affire, the affair can't be kept from the kids. As much as I would have taken part of the blame for the failure of my marriage, OW's child would not be my concern.

 

Again, being a BW is different from being a mother. The MM and OW's child has a direct effect on the whole family. All I can say is beware of any mother who feels like her kids are being threatened by anything or anyone.

[2sure]

His wife IS going to have to find out because he is now obligated to support this baby. A hand shake agreement is not going to work for long and will not protect the interests of your child. You are going to have to petition for child support and prove paternity. Period.

 

When the wife finds out, both he and she will be against you.

He will give her the same song and dance most MM use when they get busted and throw you further beneath the bus than he already has.

Next - he will lead his wife, who will readily believe, that :

 

You are already a single mother of TWO children. You got pregnant accidentally on purpose. He will say and she will believe that you were trying to trap him.

 

Thats what the MM and his wife are going to start with .

[herenow]

His wife IS going to have to find out because he is now obligated to support this baby. A hand shake agreement is not going to work for long and will not protect the interests of your child. You are going to have to petition for child support and prove paternity. Period.

 

When the wife finds out, both he and she will be against you.

He will give her the same song and dance most MM use when they get busted and throw you further beneath the bus than he already has.

Next - he will lead his wife, who will readily believe, that :

 

You are already a single mother of TWO children. You got pregnant accidentally on purpose. He will say and she will believe that you were trying to trap him.

 

Thats what the MM and his wife are going to start with .

 

I still think the BW will do what she need to do to protect her own children. Like I said the BW part gets thrown out the window when the mother part kicks in.

[herenow]

I just have to say that, as a BW, I don't hate the OP. I feel sorry for her and more important, sorry for the innocent child being brought into this world. For a child to be born not wanted by one parent, IMO, is a tragedy. I say shame on both the MM and the OW for being so irresponsible.

[2sure]

Agreed. The BW is going to go into full protect her children mode. And thats an intimidating mode for anyone she feels she needs to protect her children from.

 

The irresponsibility of a MM and OW to conceive a child during an affair, and the irresponsibility of an already single mother to get pregnant accidentally...to be honest...it is breathtaking.

[boldjack]

Destie, you would do well to listen to the Ladies of this thread. Gamine, 2sure, Athena, Tami and others have given you some very cogent advice. As a man and former MM, I am so impressed by women, who will accept responsibility, and not defer to the man. This MM has a responsibility too. He is responsible for his behavior and the results of that behavior. Within his own marriage and with you. You are responsible for the choices you have made. Now is the time to face up to the reality of the situation. Most elbow-room is gone. You and him will now have to pay for your pleasure. I think that the price will be higher than either of you want.

good Luck

[herenow]

Agreed. The BW is going to go into full protect her children mode. And thats an intimidating mode for anyone she feels she needs to protect her children from.

 

The irresponsibility of a MM and OW to conceive a child during an affair, and the irresponsibility of an already single mother to get pregnant accidentally...to be honest...it is breathtaking.

 

The existence of a child from an affair changes the dynamic. The affair can no longer be kept from the rest of the family unless the OW is willing to go it alone. When the OW makes the choice to involve the MM and his family then she has to assume the BW will make her own choices based on what is best for her and her own kids. Even when the MM wants to be a part of the child's life, the BW still has the choice to make for herself.

 

To think that the BW owes anything to the OW, the MM or their child would be ludicrous. There was a story a while ago in infidelity about a BW who was the bread winner in the family. Her H got an OW pregnant and the OW sued for support thinking that the MM made a lot of money (it was really the BW's money that they lived on). The BW divorced her H, got child support for her own kids and by the time he was done paying his BW, there wasn't much left for the MM, the OW or her child. Again, the BW has a choice and, IMO, she will always do what is best for herself and her kids. Who would blame her after all?

[tami-chan]

The existence of a child from an affair changes the dynamic. The affair can no longer be kept from the rest of the family unless the OW is willing to go it alone. When the OW makes the choice to involve the MM and his family then she has to assume the BW will make her own choices based on what is best for her and her own kids. Even when the MM wants to be a part of the child's life, the BW still has the choice to make for herself.

 

To think that the BW owes anything to the OW, the MM or their child would be ludicrous. There was a story a while ago in infidelity about a BW who was the bread winner in the family. Her H got an OW pregnant and the OW sued for support thinking that the MM made a lot of money (it was really the BW's money that they lived on). The BW divorced her H, got child support for her own kids and by the time he was done paying his BW, there wasn't much left for the MM, the OW or her child. Again, the BW has a choice and, IMO, she will always do what is best for herself and her kids. Who would blame her after all?

 

 

No, the BW does not owe OP ANYTHING....I don't think Destie ever said that, did she? However, the MM does need to step up to the plate and be an honorable man. Damn, Destie shouldn't even have to ask him for support-regardless of what she had said to him prior to.

[Gamine]

I would not make the choice that Destie chose but it is her life and she gets to make that call. Having said that, I agree with Gamine when she said our "word is our honor"...and yet strange that some of us are willing to work through or even forgive our cheating husbands who clearly did not keep their "word"-they loved us, too, no? and yet not give Destie a reprieve, so to speak, to change her mind. Clearly, a double standard, a definite line drawn in the sand.

 

Why do some of us give our cheating husband second chances? they did not keep their word, no? why do we continue to love them? why are we willing to work through the the pain to save the marriage?

 

and here's Destie...she said, MM will not have to be a part on the baby's life at all...and yet the reality of the situation hits her and she changes her mind...sorry, she needs financial help with the baby. Why can't we allow her that? There is an innocent life who will be affected by all these, an innocent life who ACTUALLY does not get to make his/her two cents known.

 

Why is accidental pregnancy the sole responsibility of Destie? You know that is BS. MM has a responsibility to himself. If he didn't want children with her there were things he could have done to himself or for himself to make sure there were no accidental pregnancies.

 

Gamine as a "corporate executive" you know, there was an ethical boundary that was crossed by the MM. He is the boss, he should be fired.

 

 

Totally TC. He'll lose his job for certain, not to mention if she decides to go for the 'deep pockets' she can sue her employer as well and walk away with a hefty sum. If she is willing to go this far, I'm sure suing the employer will be coming along down the pike. This baby may very well wind up being her meal ticket in more ways than one. Unfortunate for the employer and for her boyfriend.

[Gamine]

No, the BW does not owe OP ANYTHING....I don't think Destie ever said that, did she? However, the MM does need to step up to the plate and be an honorable man. Damn, Destie shouldn't even have to ask him for support-regardless of what she had said to him prior to.

 

Yes, but the money comes from somewhere doesn't it? And it will have to be taken from the household income. So indirectly, his wife and children do indeed pay. Who knows what their financial dynamic is... however the money will be diverted from his wife and son to his mistress' baby.

[PhoenixRise]

Desti was not any any position to tell the MM he was not obligated to the child nor did she have any right to do so.

 

She could truly only offer no strings in regard to herself, not an innocent third party.

 

Yes she told him one thing then changed her mind, and I DO think her telling MM this in the first place was a manipualtion. She hoped he would take her in his arms and promise to be there for her and the baby forever. Instead he took her at her word and continued to sleep with her happy that there were no strings.

 

Desti broke her word to MM

 

MM broke his word to his wife.

 

I can't believe that there is even an argument regarding whether or not MM should be held financially responsible for the baby.

 

Nobody has trapped him. If he is an adult he has a basic knowledge of biology and he knows that BC is not 100%. It is his job to protect himself from having unplanned children. He had a lot to lose here and he didn't protect himself.

 

Even if the pregnancy is NOT accidental then MM still has the obligation to protect himself.

 

AND just because Desti is the one who will carry the baby in her body it doesn't make the baby less his.

 

Of couse MM has a legal and moral obligation to the child. If his family is destroyed it will be because he cheated and didn't care enough for his Wife to even wear a condom. Not because biology did what biology does.

[fooled once]

See, this is where I have an issue. Like Gamine, I think this was done to entrap him.

 

She already had a pregnancy scare ONCE with him. That alone, as a woman, would make me say to the man "no hat, no play". IF I didn't want anymore children, I would MAKE SURE he wore a condom and I was taking every precaution available.

 

I personally think she does want him to pay for NOT leaving his wife. she can say all she wants that she never wanted that -- and if that was the case -- the affair would not have gone as far as it did emotionally. WHY would you fall in love with someone if you didn't see a future with them. Please don't give me the old "you can't help who you love" line because you sure as hell can.

 

She - IMHO - is using this pregnancy/child as a way to keep a bond with the MM.

 

And I feel sorry for ANY man who gets 'saddled' with a child they didn't want for the rest of their life and they are expected to pay for it.

 

Do I think men who have unprotected sex put themselves at risk? Damn straight. But again, we all know sex isn't used for procreation like it was in the dark ages.

 

WOMEN have a responsibility to THEIR bodies.

 

I don't have an issue with men paying their fair share of child support. I received c/s for my son and my H paid c/s for his 2 kids. In our scenario's - we were all married to our spouses when the children came into play and then divorced.

 

I think also this MM may change his tune when he meets his child. Who knows. But I also think he needs time to process Destie going back on her word. Like Gamine said - our word is our bond. Without that ......

 

I think telling the OP that the BW will possibly leave only gives her HOPE that this man will come back to her.

 

I noticed she never answered the question of when did she actually END the affair and why is she still talking to him........

[herenow]

Yes, but the money comes from somewhere doesn't it? And it will have to be taken from the household income. So indirectly, his wife and children do indeed pay. Who knows what their financial dynamic is... however the money will be diverted from his wife and son to his mistress' baby.

 

Right and if it were me (she did ask for BW opinions), I would make sure that my kids were taken care of first. I would make certain that my kids kept the same standard of living even if there was nothing left for the OW, the MM or their child. It really doesn't matter if you tell her now or if she finds out later. You will still be dealing with a mother, not just a BW.

[PhoenixRise]

Right and if it were me (she did ask for BW opinions), I would make sure that my kids were taken care of first. I would make certain that my kids kept the same standard of living even if there was nothing left for the OW, the MM or their child. It really doesn't matter if you tell her now or if she finds out later. You will still be dealing with a mother, not just a BW.

 

 

I completely agree with you Herenow. As a BW and more importantly a mother I would totally do everything in my power to make sure MY child was cared for in the same manner to which the child was accustomed. I wouldn't care if anything was left for OW child. I wouldn't care if MM had to resort to hunting for cans to recycle to get money.

[herenow]

I completely agree with you Herenow. As a BW and more importantly a mother I would totally do everything in my power to make sure MY child was cared for in the same manner to which the child was accustomed. I wouldn't care if anything was left for OW child. I wouldn't care if MM had to resort to hunting for cans to recycle to get money.

 

Yup, the wrath of a mother is so much more ferocious than the wrath of a BW. Mess with me and I can handle it. No one messes with my kids, ever!

[jj33]

Actually I think its in Desties interest to tell her when she has a paternity test done. Until that time, she has no proof. And its very likely he will say it isnt his or at least try to say it isnt his.

 

Its up to him to tell his W until such time as she has indisputable proof. At that time, if he hasnt already told her, she will find out. Before that time, it is very possible that he will deny it anyway and it will only create more problems, but a lawyer will be able to give her better advice.

 

As for the W getting all the money for her children so there is nothing left for Desties child, that is highly unlikely. They are all his children and "fault, or the circumstances into which Desties child will be born wont play into the equation.

[herenow]

No, the BW does not owe OP ANYTHING....I don't think Destie ever said that, did she? However, the MM does need to step up to the plate and be an honorable man. Damn, Destie shouldn't even have to ask him for support-regardless of what she had said to him prior to.

 

I didn't say she said it, I was trying to say that she shouldn't expect the BW to just take the news and sit back while money goes to the MM and OW's child.

 

MM should step up to the plate and take care of his kids that he has with his wife first. Again just my opinion, but if I were the BW, I wouldn't care what happens to the MM, the OW or their child as long as my kids were taken care of.

[herenow]

Actually I think its in Desties interest to tell her when she has a paternity test done. Until that time, she has no proof. And its very likely he will say it isnt his or at least try to say it isnt his.

 

Its up to him to tell his W until such time as she has indisputable proof. At that time, if he hasnt already told her, she will find out. Before that time, it is very possible that he will deny it anyway and it will only create more problems, but a lawyer will be able to give her better advice.

 

As for the W getting all the money for her children so there is nothing left for Desties child, that is highly unlikely. They are all his children and "fault, or the circumstances into which Desties child will be born wont play into the equation.

 

The BW can get what she needs to make sure her kids keep the lifestyle that they are accustom to. And, the BW (in the state I live in) gets 1/2 of everything plus child support for her kids and alimony if she needs it. If the MM has more for the OW and her child, then all the better. But, as a mother, I would fight for everything I could get for my kids and use everything I could to get it. But you are correct about the paternity test.

[jj33]

His W may not leave. There are a number of people who have posted on the BS board whose Hs got people pregnant or they thought they did and they didnt seem inclined to leave, they wanted to save their marriages.

[herenow]

His W may not leave. There are a number of people who have posted on the BS board whose Hs got people pregnant or they thought they did and they didnt seem inclined to leave, they wanted to save their marriages.

 

So true, but I was just giving my opinion. If a BW and MM decided to work on their marriage in this situation, I would think there would be a whole other host of issues.

 

In that case, I would still want my kids to know that they had a biological 1/2 sibling and I would still leave it to my H to tell them. I would still want to make sure that my kids were protected from emotional and financial harm if at all possible. If I made the choice to stay with my H, I would support him in his decisions even if he wanted to file for joint custody. I'm just not the type of person who could deal with those issues fairly, so I would have to leave.

[jj33]

I dont think I would be able to stay either. Im not that open minded but who knows how I would feel if something like that had ever happened. What a mess. For all of them.

[herenow]

I dont think I would be able to stay either. Im not that open minded but who knows how I would feel if something like that had ever happened. What a mess. For all of them.

 

True that!

[NoIDidn't]

I noticed she never answered the question of when did she actually END the affair and why is she still talking to him........

 

Me too. And while the "other thread" was deleted, that was something that was brought up by DESTIE. She claimed to still be talking to him on a regular basis and knowing that he was "out with the boys" and that they were planning to meet up to talk.

 

She claims he threatened her, but I fail to see this continued contact as proof of anything like that. I don't see why a man that would go so far as to threaten a woman would want to be bothered with her any further - unless he plans to do her physical harm (case about that happened last year while OW was pregnant with her 2nd child to him).

 

I agree with you that she intends to use this child to keep a bond with him. When she found out she was pregnant, he ran for the hills. When she lied and said she would have the baby no strings attached, he came back. When she started talking about wanting child support, he ran for the hills again. He wants nothing further to do with her or this child. I feel for her, but she is still playing a game hoping that things will go into her favor in overtime.

[jj33]

Actually Herenow, knowing myself I am sure I would be outraged. Kick him out of the house, change the locks and do my best to take him for all he was worth for me and the children. Im not one to suffer in silence.

 

Forget about the pregnancy, Im not at all sure I could forgive an affair in the first place. I dont think I could ever trust the other person again.