Pregnant by MM

[herenow]

Actually Herenow, knowing myself I am sure I would be outraged. Kick him out of the house, change the locks and do my best to take him for all he was worth for me and the children. Im not one to suffer in silence.

 

Me too. I could deal with the infidelity because the only person that would get hurt if I made the wrong choice was me. If there was a child from the affair all bets would be off and the gloves would be on.

[jj33]

So I understand how someone posting who is married with children or even just married could be upset by Desties situation. But I do have a problem with the idea that she made a deal with him and she has to stand by what she said.

 

We all say things in relationships we mean at the time but dont mean when push comes to shove

 

no matter what happens we will always be friends

Ill always love you no matter what

Ill never feel about anyone the way I feel about you

I can deal with no strings attached sex

Id never date your brother

 

But she is pregnant

 

Birth control fails all the time. Condoms break diaphragms slip, the pill fails things happen. And I dont think that this man should get some sort of free pass just because he was married. I dont buy that.

 

And I am really surprised at how many people are trying to guilt and shame this poster into letting him off the hook as if she somehow did this to him. He willingly slept with her.

 

He took a big risk with his family. he gambled and he lost. Maybe he will think harder next time.

[herenow]

So I understand how someone posting who is married with children or even just married could be upset by Desties situation. But I do have a problem with the idea that she made a deal with him and she has to stand by what she said.

 

We all say things in relationships we mean at the time but dont mean when push comes to shove

 

no matter what happens we will always be friends

Ill always love you no matter what

Ill never feel about anyone the way I feel about you

I can deal with no strings attached sex

Id never date your brother

 

But she is pregnant

 

Birth control fails all the time. Condoms break diaphragms slip, the pill fails things happen. And I dont think that this man should get some sort of free pass just because he was married. I dont buy that.

 

And I am really surprised at how many people are trying to guilt and shame this poster into letting him off the hook as if she somehow did this to him. He willingly slept with her.

 

He took a big risk with his family. he gambled and he lost. Maybe he will think harder next time.

 

Oh I agree. They created this together and together they should deal with it. I would say that they belong together, but it sounds like the MM doesn't agree with that. My prayers go out to the BW, her kids and the poor innocent child created by two selfish people.

[stillafool]

Agreed. The BW is going to go into full protect her children mode. And thats an intimidating mode for anyone she feels she needs to protect her children from.

 

The irresponsibility of a MM and OW to conceive a child during an affair, and the irresponsibility of an already single mother to get pregnant accidentally...to be honest...it is breathtaking.

 

 

Also, the MM is going to go in full protection mode for their children. These are children that they have raised together and he is obviously going to try to protect them and his wife (if he still has one by then.)

 

I have to agree with Gamine that Destie still loves the MM and perhaps wants him and his wife not to be so happy. Otherwise she would have never thought about telling the wife about her pregnancy. Destie should only worry about contact with MM regarding the pregnancy. The wife has nothing to do with it.

[DESTIE]

Destie, in your original post you indicated that you were good friends, he is/was your boss, and that you loved one another. Is this something you do to someone you love? In other words, does one do whatever is necessary... at anyone's expense... just to get what they want?

 

You wanted someone else's husband so you took him and enjoyed him. You fell in love with him and formed an attachment. You become pregnant, and now want him for yourself... and since you cannot have him voluntarily... you will have him financially and against his will. But the cornerstone here lies in that you love this man and I believe deep down wanted a romanticized outcome that did not materialize. It seems that you wanted and believed that he loved you and that he would 'realize' this once the pregnancy moved along. Almost as if he'd say... "hey, I realize how much I do love you... I'll get a divorce and we can be a family....". But that did not happen... instead you have a very angry man who will likely loose his job and his family.

 

If this is what you do to those you love I wouldn't want to be your enemy. Because at the end of the day it isn't about getting what we want. It is about doing the right thing. Some can say.... he wanted to play so now he pays. But you don't do that to someone you love. You honor your word. Yes, you can extort money from him... and/or take him to court and extract it from him. But now all you have is someone who used to care about you now hating you. He is never going to turn around and become your husband. He will look upon this situation as one of the gravest mistakes of his lifetime. Is that what you want to represent?

 

If two consenting adults choose to have sex and there is an unwanted pregnancy involving a man with whom you have absolutely no promises from... who is already married with a child of his own... then you are duty bound to accept the responsibility of his own actions.

 

I believe the money is retaliation over not having him. The sad thing is that you will be alienating him so badly and destroying lives. And instead of getting him, you will have destroyed the very man you claim to have loved.

 

You're right, I do love him. Even though I know we will never be together ans I never expected him to leave I do love him. Honestly, he asked me the same thing today... what is it I want from him. I told him to be some sort of figure in her life. All I want is for him to be there for his daughter. This is a lot for anyone to handle let alone a married man. He says he wants to know her but doesn't think he wants to be known as her "father" b/c he realizes at what cost, he's not willing to ruin his home life. He says he needs time... I'm fine with giving it to him.

[stillafool]

You're right, I do love him. Even though I know we will never be together ans I never expected him to leave I do love him. Honestly, he asked me the same thing today... what is it I want from him. I told him to be some sort of figure in her life. All I want is for him to be there for his daughter. This is a lot for anyone to handle let alone a married man. He says he wants to know her but doesn't think he wants to be known as her "father" b/c he realizes at what cost, he's not willing to ruin his home life. He says he needs time... I'm fine with giving it to him.

 

 

But he had already told you that he didn't want this and now you are disappointed with him for keeping his "promise". That's not fair.

[DESTIE]

JJ33, there is a genuine respect for all women to be as sisters. There is also an expectation that we as women can be more than recipients of sperm and walk through life as beggars. As goddesses we don't have to accept that role and shouldn't. A proud and strong woman is duty bound by her word ... for without our personal integrity we are nothing. We are nothing as women, as mothers, as friends, as sisters, as employees... virtually everything in life is laid to waste without integrity.

 

You are missing the point entirely. You chose to see it as a call for other women not to stray with other women's men. That is a view you chose to extract and reshape from a post I had earlier. And frankly... you misunderstand. You can persist with an absurd description of my post on sisterhood until the cows come home... it does not make it so. You can persist and persist. Some women got it.

 

Reproduction is not something that 'happens' to us. A shooting star doesn't pass over us impregnating us. When we do become pregnant we have the choice to make. In this case an adult woman and man in an ADULT relationship made a CHOICE as a couple. She changed her mind and thusly unilaterally bound two people (and more) to her choice. Her choice was to bring the child into this world. And again, swore to the man who she was a COUPLE with (albeit an affair) that the terms would be that nothing would be ever asked of him.

 

Of course she has the power. She is carrying this baby. I am not protecting a man as a child. I believe she is using a child to derive something against another person's will... which JJ33... is wrong on every level it can be wrong. It is immoral to lie and trap another human being. Yes, he deposited his sperm... but from the OP, she was not seeking a sperm donor. She claimed to love him and this... yes this... changes everything. We are now expected to act with lovingkindness... not in a self serving manner.

 

JJ33, I had a life before I ever got married (at age 35) so I understand the reality of this choice. Many women have made it. Each living with the responsibility that goes with it. My life experiences go well beyond my married years so to view my opinion of this in light of the almost insignificant portion of my life spent married is erroneous. I have walked the talk, so to speak.

 

JJ33, the sisterhood was a recognition of the higher expression of us as women. If there exists a choice to be purely animalistic than that is also a choice but it is not one I understand. And, my view of sisterhood would not be the slightest bit affected by any woman wanting or getting my man. There are many fish in the sea. Everyone is free as sentient beings to do their own will. You give the weight of my husband and his nonsense more importance to my life than it is worthy of. It does not contour who I am and never will.

 

And, for the record I disagree with you when you say that "it doesn't work that way". There are many women who do as they promise. Who honor their word. The same standard would apply to a married or single man. Yes, once the baby is here we have laws that guarantee she'll get a check every month. Yes, she can obtain the money. That is not the point. It is whether it is right.

 

Yes I love him... trap him? Not at all. I was on BC, we didn't wear protection. Trapping him is telling him I am on BC when I'm not, or poking holes in condom.

[jj33]

Hes got 4 months to get used to it. And then hes got a paternity test to take.

 

Seriously I know it must be very very confusing and scary but getting cs is important for the baby. Dont forget that (sorry to preach)

[herenow]

Yes I love him... trap him? Not at all. I was on BC, we didn't wear protection. Trapping him is telling him I am on BC when I'm not, or poking holes in condom.

 

Do you feel that your are giving your child a less than great start in this world knowing that his or her father would rather not be having a child with you?

[DESTIE]

Totally TC. He'll lose his job for certain, not to mention if she decides to go for the 'deep pockets' she can sue her employer as well and walk away with a hefty sum. If she is willing to go this far, I'm sure suing the employer will be coming along down the pike. This baby may very well wind up being her meal ticket in more ways than one. Unfortunate for the employer and for her boyfriend.

 

Now my child is a cash cow. I have never once said I would sue my employer. I don't want him to lose his job. I guess everyone has this opinion of the OW, but this is all about what is in the best interest of my child. Nothing else.

[herenow]

...This is a lot for anyone to handle let alone a married man..

 

Actually being there for a child is a very easy thing for a father to do. Except in this case when it sounds like he really doesn't want to have a child with you married or not.

[PhoenixRise]

You're right, I do love him. Even though I know we will never be together ans I never expected him to leave I do love him. Honestly, he asked me the same thing today... what is it I want from him. I told him to be some sort of figure in her life. All I want is for him to be there for his daughter. This is a lot for anyone to handle let alone a married man. He says he wants to know her but doesn't think he wants to be known as her "father" b/c he realizes at what cost, he's not willing to ruin his home life. He says he needs time... I'm fine with giving it to him.

 

Destie

 

I stand by what I said....MM is obligated to financially take care of the baby and morally he should be a part of the baby's life.

 

However

 

I think it is clear that even if you did not seek to trap this man by getting pregnant on purpose you ARE using this child to hang on to the man.

 

If indeed he has threatened you and treated you so badly over this child WHY are you still even talking to him except through your attorney?

 

You have gone from no strings, to needing financial help, to NOT wanting financial help, to wanting him to be a part of baby's life.

 

You are hoping that if you are patient enough he will see the light and chose you and your baby.

[herenow]

OK, I'll ask it in a different way. How do you feel about bringing an innocent child into this world knowing that her father would be happier if she didn't exist?

[PhoenixRise]

Do you feel that your are giving your child a less than great start in this world knowing that his or her father would rather not be having a child with you?

 

 

I think she is hoping to "win" the man so letting the child know this information about the father won't be an issue.

[DESTIE]

See, this is where I have an issue. Like Gamine, I think this was done to entrap him.

 

She already had a pregnancy scare ONCE with him. That alone, as a woman, would make me say to the man "no hat, no play". IF I didn't want anymore children, I would MAKE SURE he wore a condom and I was taking every precaution available.

 

I personally think she does want him to pay for NOT leaving his wife. she can say all she wants that she never wanted that -- and if that was the case -- the affair would not have gone as far as it did emotionally. WHY would you fall in love with someone if you didn't see a future with them. Please don't give me the old "you can't help who you love" line because you sure as hell can.

 

She - IMHO - is using this pregnancy/child as a way to keep a bond with the MM.

 

And I feel sorry for ANY man who gets 'saddled' with a child they didn't want for the rest of their life and they are expected to pay for it.

 

Do I think men who have unprotected sex put themselves at risk? Damn straight. But again, we all know sex isn't used for procreation like it was in the dark ages.

 

WOMEN have a responsibility to THEIR bodies.

 

I don't have an issue with men paying their fair share of child support. I received c/s for my son and my H paid c/s for his 2 kids. In our scenario's - we were all married to our spouses when the children came into play and then divorced.

 

I think also this MM may change his tune when he meets his child. Who knows. But I also think he needs time to process Destie going back on her word. Like Gamine said - our word is our bond. Without that ......

 

I think telling the OP that the BW will possibly leave only gives her HOPE that this man will come back to her.

 

I noticed she never answered the question of when did she actually END the affair and why is she still talking to him........

 

We never had a pregnancy scare before. I don't know where that came from. I have been on BC since I had my youngest and it has never failed.

 

You can all form your own opinion as to what I want from him as far as a relationship goes.

 

Yes the affair has ended, AND we still speak b/c he is my boss. The threats were made in the beginning when I decided I didn't want to abort which he later apologized for. After I told him of the NSA, we got close again until recently.

[herenow]

I think she is hoping to "win" the man so letting the child know this information about the father won't be an issue.

 

Oh, OK I get it. Well maybe she should tell the wife and he won't have any other place to go. She can "win" by default. Hey, a win is a win right?

[Jilly Bean]

This story has more holes in it than a slice of swiss cheese.

 

Destie - are we to believe that a married man, with a family, on a holiday weekend, somehow magically found LS, then found your thread, and decided to post refutting your tale?

 

I didn't see his thread, but I understand he revealed some pretty interesting facts about you and your actions, none of which you argued. I find that curious, because I know I get pretty defensive if I am falsely accused, particularly considering the things he had to say!

 

Regardless, let's say the story IS true. Then I agree with Phoenix. It sounds like you are trying to bide your time and hope that he'll see the error of his ways, and want to reconcile with you. I just don't see that happening...

[DESTIE]

But he had already told you that he didn't want this and now you are disappointed with him for keeping his "promise". That's not fair.

 

Disappointed yes, surprised? At this point no. I have no choice but to be ok with what he decides as far as being in her life.

[herenow]

Since the OP isn't answering, I'll go with your answer PR.

 

Actually, I'm not even thinking about what she would tell her child. I just wanted to know her thoughts on the subject.

[herenow]

Disappointed yes, surprised? At this point no. I have no choice but to be ok with what he decides as far as being in her life.

 

and..

 

How do you feel about bringing an innocent child into this world knowing that her father would be happier if she didn't exist?

[DESTIE]

Hes got 4 months to get used to it. And then hes got a paternity test to take.

 

Seriously I know it must be very very confusing and scary but getting cs is important for the baby. Dont forget that (sorry to preach)

 

I got it jj33 , I will do what's best for my daughter. Thanks for being a voice of reason, b.c it really boils down to what is in her best interest.

[DESTIE]

Do you feel that your are giving your child a less than great start in this world knowing that his or her father would rather not be having a child with you?

 

Not at all, I love her to pieces already.

[NoIDidn't]

Otherwise she would have never thought about telling the wife about her pregnancy. Destie should only worry about contact with MM regarding the pregnancy. The wife has nothing to do with it.

 

I don't recall DESTIE ever saying that she actually wanted to contact his W. So in her defense, she didn't suggest this. I did. I made an argument for contacting the W so at least the W can protect herself and her child as best and as legally as she can before this child is born. Anything after that screws his W and child for the next 18 years.

 

Sorry for any confusion.

[herenow]

Not at all, I love her to pieces already.

 

Good to hear.

[DESTIE]

This story has more holes in it than a slice of swiss cheese.

 

Destie - are we to believe that a married man, with a family, on a holiday weekend, somehow magically found LS, then found your thread, and decided to post refutting your tale?

 

I didn't see his thread, but I understand he revealed some pretty interesting facts about you and your actions, none of which you argued. I find that curious, because I know I get pretty defensive if I am falsely accused, particularly considering the things he had to say!

 

Regardless, let's say the story IS true. Then I agree with Phoenix. It sounds like you are trying to bide your time and hope that he'll see the error of his ways, and want to reconcile with you. I just don't see that happening...

 

I never thought for once he would be on LS and posting on 4th of July weekend which is why I knew it was fake and therefore didn't argue my point at all.

 

The post was very interesting and funny honestly. It said something about not knowing for sure if I was pregnant.... yet I'm 5 mths and have been showing for the past 6 weeks or so. So THAT is the reason why I didn't address it. It was all lies. Believe me he knows I'm pregnant he sees me M-F for 8 hrs a day.