Pregnant by MM

[mental_traveller]

Father's right's my azz!! He should have used a condom. He knows what happens when two people have sex without a condom. It's possible that the woman will get pregnant (for whatever reason). He made a choice!

 

But she was on birth control, and she promised she would have an abortion. I.e. she made a choice to tell him that there was now way a child would result from their affair.

 

If you say you don't want a kid, and will have an abortion, then you have to follow through on your promise and have the abortion if your B/C fails. If you don't then you are morally liable for the consequences.

 

Don't forget also that she has now damaged the interests of the betrayed wife, who will have to pay out of joint marital assets to raise some other woman's kid, not to mention the emotional devastation.

[herenow]

Destie is the one who made the choice to ultimately have her third child while being a single parent. It's her body and if she didn't want the child, there are still legal ways to deal with it. As far as the MM, yes he will pay for his mistake and he will always see that child and Destie as a regrettable mistake.

 

Sure he is responsible for his mistake, but in the end, he really didn't have any choice to fix the mistake. Destie had a choice, made a promise and then chose not to keep that promise. That's why they call it the right to choose. But, she will have to live with the fact that her daughter's father never wanted the child. I'm not sure I would be strong (or maybe the word is selfish) enough to bring a child into this world knowing that her father would rather she not be born. Very tragic.

 

The BW isn't part of any of it and should not care about the fact that Destie has two other kids and is a single mother yada, yada, yada. Not her problem as long as she gets the money she needs to live on.

[mental_traveller]

The OP needs to worry about herself and her unborn child.

 

She is not responsible for anyone else.

 

 

If you do something very wrong to an innocent person (like ruin her marriage), don't you have a responsibility to make things right as best you can?

[mental_traveller]

 

The BW isn't part of any of it and should not care about the fact that Destie has two other kids and is a single mother yada, yada, yada. Not her problem as long as she gets the money she needs to live on.

 

She's very much a part of it - her marriage is destroyed, her kid will suffer, so will her finances, and she will have difficulty ever trusting a man again. Another woman is having her husband's baby - that's her problem.

[herenow]

She's very much a part of it - her marriage is destroyed, her kid will suffer, so will her finances, and she will have difficulty ever trusting a man again. Another woman is having her husband's baby - that's her problem.

 

I agree, what I was saying is that Destie's kids and the fact that she (Destie) is a single mom with two other kids isn't the BW's problem. The BW shouldn't care about Destie or Destie's finances or Destie's kids, none of that should be of any concern to the BW. Not the BW's problem!

[stillafool]

I don't recall DESTIE ever saying that she actually wanted to contact his W. So in her defense, she didn't suggest this. I did. I made an argument for contacting the W so at least the W can protect herself and her child as best and as legally as she can before this child is born. Anything after that screws his W and child for the next 18 years.

 

Sorry for any confusion.

 

Do I reach out to the wife and tell her about the baby? I don't want to ruin his home but I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences.

 

 

Well it seemed from her 1st post that she was contemplating telling his wife and she wanted to know how wives on LS would like it handled.

[Athena]

Uhh, MM is NOT responsible for paying out $$ for her two other kids. Destie has an ex that could help out financially for her two other kids.

 

You might have misunderstood me. I do not mean MM must pay one penny towards Destie's other children... I am talking about the perspective of posters here who are concerned with the MM's child maybe 'suffering' with less money (pu-leez... what if MM had six kids? One kid is nothing), anyway, to continue... I am pointing out in return: how would Destie's two other kids do, with 'suffering' with less money available for them, since a new kid is on its way?

 

... Come on folks... my own H had a child with another woman -- so what, happened to be with his first W (not OW!) but he still had to pay child support for the child and eventually send her to university for a four year degree... was there 'less' money available for me (the precious W) and our two kids together? Yes... so what!

 

I completely accept my H's child as having a right to my H's money to take care of her while she was growing up (she's now 27). I happened to love her because I loved my H, and naturally extended it to her. And as a sibling of my own children. I don't particularly like her mother, because of who she is, but that never affected the way I treated my H's child.

 

Now, of course the MM's W is NOT going to love her H's child born out of an affair.. But... if she had any compassion, any morals, any feelings as a human being, she would UNDERSTAND that her H should take care of the child's financial needs (well, at least half of the needs, since Destie can provide the other half). Anyway, come on, it's not like MM will be paying so much that his wife and child will go without food themselves... dammit, I bet they don't even feel the CS amount... and by the time the 'baby' goes to college, the MM's older child will be a self-supporting fully fledged adult by then.

 

Accidents happen, $hit happens, surprises happen... we as people must learn to take any new circumstances in our stride. MM's wifey and child will learn to adapt with MM's new child, and the 'sharing' of the money MM makes.

[NoIDidn't]

You might have misunderstood me. I do not mean MM must pay one penny towards Destie's other children... I am talking about the perspective of posters here who are concerned with the MM's child maybe 'suffering' with less money (pu-leez... what if MM had six kids? One kid is nothing), anyway, to continue... I am pointing out in return: how would Destie's two other kids do, with 'suffering' with less money available for them, since a new kid is on its way?

 

... Come on folks... my own H had a child with another woman -- so what, happened to be with his first W (not OW!) but he still had to pay child support for the child and eventually send her to university for a four year degree... was there 'less' money available for me (the precious W) and our two kids together? Yes... so what!

.

 

So what?! You are comparing apples and oranges here.

 

The child your H had with another woman existed even before your relationship with him did. How exactly are you going to legitimately complain about him paying child support that he was likely paying before he met and dated you?

 

Yes, his child with his W is going to suffer financially because of his stupidity. But the situation you compare it to has nothing to do with this one. Your step child has had more birthdays than you've had anniversaries. This child will be younger than the marriage because he was cheating not because she was actually married to the man at one time.

[NoIDidn't]

Now, of course the MM's W is NOT going to love her H's child born out of an affair.. But... if she had any compassion, any morals, any feelings as a human being, she would UNDERSTAND that her H should take care of the child's financial needs (well, at least half of the needs, since Destie can provide the other half).

 

I have a huge problem with this. I don't expect any other woman to love and want my children to be taken care of more than I do. And I certainly don't feel that I am responsible for another woman's child - even if my H IS its father. Given the way that this child came to be, I find it perfectly reasonable that she not understand what you think she should. In her mind, this child should not exist if her H had been faithful.

 

Anyway, come on, it's not like MM will be paying so much that his wife and child will go without food themselves... dammit, I bet they don't even feel the CS amount... and by the time the 'baby' goes to college, the MM's older child will be a self-supporting fully fledged adult by then.

 

No one here knows this for certain. I've seen plenty of cases where the childsupport ordered meant the man (single or married) couldn't pay his own basic expenses anymore. It happens.

 

Are you expecting the MM to pay for the child to go to college too? Child support generally stops at 18. I don't see that happening. And since a college education isn't really a right or entitlement, I don't see a court ordering him to pay for it when the child will also be legally employable and can help pay for her own college education.

 

MM's wifey and child will learn to adapt with MM's new child, and the 'sharing' of the money MM makes.

 

They will have no choice to adapt to it, but I doubt they will ever like it.

[butcher's hook]

... Come on folks... my own H had a child with another woman -- so what, happened to be with his first W (not OW!) but he still had to pay child support for the child and eventually send her to university for a four year degree... was there 'less' money available for me (the precious W) and our two kids together? Yes... so what!

 

 

 

Yes you do have a point. the only problem I have with that example is that in your case you knew going in that your H had a child from an ex relationship, but in the case of the BW she has no choice whatsoever in the matter. It was her WH's sole decision and now she must adjust her life to accommodate his straying dick. It is totally unfair to her.

 

Of course I will never understand why a woman would stay with a man who would humiliate her in such degree, I mean I just don't know how you get over the notion your husband had a child out of an affair. That is just too much! Men like that should be dumped on their asses and they should pay through the nose to all sides. But of course women are more concerned with vilifying the nefarious OW, because women just LOVE to hate women in general, than to place the blame equally on the person who did this to them.

[butcher's hook]

Given the way that this child came to be, I find it perfectly reasonable that she not understand what you think she should. In her mind, this child should not exist if her H had been faithful.

 

 

 

True and this is completely unfair to the W, COMPLETELY unfair. I can understand why she would feel totally against any sort of fair ruling towards what is the right thing to do for that "bastard" child. That is the W's position. But that does not absolve the MM's responsibility to the deed he partook in. The way his infidelity will now changer her marriage or life does not take away his responsibility to that child. Be it financial or moral or whatever it may be.

 

Well not moral. Clearly morality is not part of the equation here.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Is she gonna get this MM for child support that's what I want to know!

[Athena]

Is she gonna get this MM for child support that's what I want to know!

 

Yes, she is. 1) Cuz she needs it (she's bringing a third child into her life and she is a Single Mom) 2) Cuz the law allows for that -- for getting a father for child support 3) Cuz she's mad as hell that MM wants nothing to do with the baby

 

What say you, Chromie?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yes, she is. 1) Cuz she needs it (she's bringing a third child into her life and she is a Single Mom) 2) Cuz the law allows for that -- for getting a father for child support 3) Cuz she's mad as hell that MM wants nothing to do with the baby

 

What say you, Chromie?

Did she really think that the MM would want the baby over his original family?

 

He probably was just using her and she ended up preggers anyway's. I think she should go for full child support and let everyone know who the baby belongs to. I feel sorry for her in some ways but if she willingly slept with a married dude, who can she blame it on, him? She has to own it.

 

And I know what the laws say. If this MM gives up his parental rights he may not even be on the hook for child support. and from her earlier posts it sounded like she didnt even want to bother him with it. She was confused as hell.

[clv0116]

And I know what the laws say. If this MM gives up his parental rights he may not even be on the hook for child support.

 

Where do you come up with stuff like this?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Where do you come up with stuff like this?

 

In some states if the biplogical father gives up his rights his child supports and financial obligations are terminated.

 

It is possible to voluntarily relinquish parental rights if you meet the TPR requirements pursuant to the laws of the state. (Side bar: Don't expect a friendly reception from the presiding magistrate.)

 

It's very tricky but it can be done you know, that's what alot of guys are doing. Where the mother of the child will co-opt the father to sign away his rights, thereby releasing him from all financial and emotional responsibilities of said child. But it's different from state to state.

 

I'm not so clear on the current laws in new york with that, but it does exist.

[Trimmer]

In some states if the biplogical father gives up his rights his child supports and financial obligations are terminated.

 

It is possible to voluntarily relinquish parental rights if you meet the TPR requirements pursuant to the laws of the state. (Side bar: Don't expect a friendly reception from the presiding magistrate.)

 

It's very tricky but it can be done you know, that's what alot of guys are doing. Where the mother of the child will co-opt the father to sign away his rights, thereby releasing him from all financial and emotional responsibilities of said child. But it's different from state to state.

 

I'm not so clear on the current laws in new york with that, but it does exist.

I'm definitely not a lawyer, but I think the implication here is NOT that a father can unilaterally choose to relinquish rights and then cause himself to be freed of financial obligations, without the assent of the mother and the court...

 

Even the way you describe it above is a quid-pro-quo - the father "gets" free of financial obligations by "giving" up his parental rights. The mother "gives" up financial support to "get" the father out of her life.

 

But like I said - this only works if everyone agrees.. It's not like a get-out-of-jail card that the father can just whip out and run away from...

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm definitely not a lawyer, but I think the implication here is NOT that a father can unilaterally choose to relinquish rights and then cause himself to be freed of financial obligations, without the assent of the mother and the court...

 

Even the way you describe it above is a quid-pro-quo - the father "gets" free of financial obligations by "giving" up his parental rights. The mother "gives" up financial support to "get" the father out of her life.

 

But like I said - this only works if everyone agrees.. It's not like a get-out-of-jail card that the father can just whip out and run away from...

 

Like I said it's tricky....

[LaGazelle]

Well it seemed from her 1st post that she was contemplating telling his wife and she wanted to know how wives on LS would like it handled.

 

Reading between the lines and looking at Destie's subsequent posts, it seems that she rather wanted to take a temperature check of whether the news would drive the wife to the point of sending her H packing...and heading in her direction to give her the love, affection and family life she so understandably craves.

 

If the intention was purely to get a view re securing financial support for her child, surely questions re a more "amicable" approach restricted to improving negotiating effectiveness with MM would be more in order. Failing that, she would focus on progressing a formal approach like going to the courts. Does she really think telling his wife will mean MM becomes obliged to pander to her needs and desires or protect her from becoming "a single mother w/ no financial help."!?

 

Is it really sensible to believe that the wife would somehow help her to "not be a single parent" and secure support from MM for her child. This sort of thinking only makes sense if what Destie really wants is to have MM playing the role of her husband, once his wife (as Destie probably hopes) hands him his resignation papers!

[Gamine]

I suppose I'm naive in that I will never understand why there is a choice for such destruction in one's own life and the lives of others. Voluntarily. Almost willfully bent on destruction.

 

Who hasn't been in love? But what baffles me is why the hooks and claws to get it at any price... when it is available to everyone without the drama and destruction. There are many single men and women out there available for sincere relationships... however I guess without the drama of tearing something else down the excitement is simply not the same. I don't think I could personally live with myself knowing that I caused such pain intentionally.

 

I understand she went for an abortion and 'just couldn't go through with it', but come on. I see this whole thing as just one giant power play between a woman demanding love and commitment and a man who was there for what the relationship offered him.

 

I totally 'get' the financial responsibility thing from a man to a child he fathers. However, what turns my stomach is a woman who is so self centered that she wouldn't be willing to put herself through hell in order to do the right thing. Sounds bizarre that anyone would, huh? I've done it. I couldn't do that to another person... it is just so immoral and mean spirited.

 

I see Destie no differently than a child in Toys R Us stomping her feet in a temper tantrum over the toy her 'daddy' won't buy for her. So she stuffs it under her puffy jacket anyway, gets caught for shoplifting and hands her dad the bill. Baby games played with adult situations and the lives of children...who will be screwed up because of the affair AND Destie acting like an immature baby.

 

And where is her sense of herself in all of this? Becoming pregnant 'accidentally on purpose' and pissed off that the Lifetime Network version of her love story didn't materialize. I don't care two shakes whether he is married or single. I think it is insane that a woman would pull this either way. I am also disgusted as a woman that there is this assumption of being an 'impregnated' victim and being too weak to do what is best for her kids, her life, his life, as well as his family's life. She's a mother. She should have done the right thing for her kids. Oh gee. What are her children learning about personal power or the 'victimization of women'.

 

My kids (if I had them) would have come first and certainly wouldn't have been subjected to a baby simply appearing out of nowhere and all of the confusion that would ensue. I just find the whole thing to be born of ridiculousness and immaturity. AND hope that Destie will grow up and keep her legs crossed unless and until she can figure out how birth control works.

[stillafool]

Reading between the lines and looking at Destie's subsequent posts, it seems that she rather wanted to take a temperature check of whether the news would drive the wife to the point of sending her H packing...and heading in her direction to give her the love, affection and family life she so understandably craves.

 

If the intention was purely to get a view re securing financial support for her child, surely questions re a more "amicable" approach restricted to improving negotiating effectiveness with MM would be more in order. Failing that, she would focus on progressing a formal approach like going to the courts. Does she really think telling his wife will mean MM becomes obliged to pander to her needs and desires or protect her from becoming "a single mother w/ no financial help."!?

 

Is it really sensible to believe that the wife would somehow help her to "not be a single parent" and secure support from MM for her child. This sort of thinking only makes sense if what Destie really wants is to have MM playing the role of her husband, once his wife (as Destie probably hopes) hands him his resignation papers!

 

 

Exactly! No, Destie wanted to tell the wife so as to upset their "happy home". It is understandable that Destie's hormones are running high right now and she probably craves the baby's daddy. There was no other reason to think about telling his wife.

[2sure]

Just wanted to point something out...

 

The courts sometimes have a say in whether or not the father CAN give up his rights. If the mother and/or child is getting healthcare or other assistance from the state or county - the court will determine that the father has to acknowledge paternity if only so it is he and not the state that ends up paying for the child.

 

If she receives assistance, it may be out of her hands.

[stillafool]

I suppose I'm naive in that I will never understand why there is a choice for such destruction in one's own life and the lives of others. Voluntarily. Almost willfully bent on destruction.

 

Who hasn't been in love? But what baffles me is why the hooks and claws to get it at any price... when it is available to everyone without the drama and destruction. There are many single men and women out there available for sincere relationships... however I guess without the drama of tearing something else down the excitement is simply not the same. I don't think I could personally live with myself knowing that I caused such pain intentionally.

 

I understand she went for an abortion and 'just couldn't go through with it', but come on. I see this whole thing as just one giant power play between a woman demanding love and commitment and a man who was there for what the relationship offered him.

 

I totally 'get' the financial responsibility thing from a man to a child he fathers. However, what turns my stomach is a woman who is so self centered that she wouldn't be willing to put herself through hell in order to do the right thing. Sounds bizarre that anyone would, huh? I've done it. I couldn't do that to another person... it is just so immoral and mean spirited.

 

I see Destie no differently than a child in Toys R Us stomping her feet in a temper tantrum over the toy her 'daddy' won't buy for her. So she stuffs it under her puffy jacket anyway, gets caught for shoplifting and hands her dad the bill. Baby games played with adult situations and the lives of children...who will be screwed up because of the affair AND Destie acting like an immature baby.

 

And where is her sense of herself in all of this? Becoming pregnant 'accidentally on purpose' and pissed off that the Lifetime Network version of her love story didn't materialize. I don't care two shakes whether he is married or single. I think it is insane that a woman would pull this either way. I am also disgusted as a woman that there is this assumption of being an 'impregnated' victim and being too weak to do what is best for her kids, her life, his life, as well as his family's life. She's a mother. She should have done the right thing for her kids. Oh gee. What are her children learning about personal power or the 'victimization of women'.

 

My kids (if I had them) would have come first and certainly wouldn't have been subjected to a baby simply appearing out of nowhere and all of the confusion that would ensue. I just find the whole thing to be born of ridiculousness and immaturity. AND hope that Destie will grow up and keep her legs crossed unless and until she can figure out how birth control works.

 

 

Gamine I just love your mind. I feel the exact same way. I just couldn't live with myself bringing this type of destruction into the lives of his wife, kids, my children and this new baby girl.

 

We've all found someone else's spouse attractive for a number of reasons, however to not know where to draw the line and to just say "He chased me until I was caught" is bulls--t! If you had put him in his place (the right way) when he first approached you inappropriately he would have never bothered you again. So, I don't fall for that I tried to leave him alone bullcrap.

 

I think Destie is upset because even though MM and her made the "promise" not to get pregnant, when she did and wanted to keep the baby it was clear to her where she really stood in this man's life. It hurt that he didn't want their child but his with his wife. I understand the pain Destie must feel but she chose this path and rather than keep her word she rather watch the lives of innocent victims crumble.

[2sure]

Its aggravating. A while ago, there was another thread by another pregnant OW who went as far as to say: He told me he was staying in his marriage ONLY for the kids.

 

So, she got pregnant thinking this would force his hand, would make him end his misery. Since kids were his priority, surly this would give him the courage he needed. Sadly, she found out that "kids" were not the priority he claimed they were. He wasnt staying for the kids. He was staying , just like he was cheating - for himself.

[complicatedlife]

Like I said it's tricky....

 

A relative of mine was able to do this:

 

The mother ended up confessing when the child was about 7 years old that she was not sure who the father was, my relative or a guy who is now deceased. This was a source of contention between them for years. Her new husband wanted to adopt the child, and my relative hadn't seen the child since the child was 2 but was giving the mother money for the child every week (this was not child support through the court, it was an agreement they made). The mother and my relative both agreed that they wanted him to give up his parental rights as the only father that the child really "knows" is the husband. I believe the mother told the child that her biological father is dead. The court granted the request, and he is no longer obligated to the child in any way - including financially, and the husband adopted her.