lena21 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 My husband has cheated on me but not with just one woman, but this is my opinion on the matter. You should tell him if he does not tell his wife that you will, she should have time to warm up to the idea of a baby before it is born just in case her and her husband stay together. That child will be her step child, and possibly it may be better for you to tell her and come clean so that she is prepared to love and treat her step child with respect. You do not want her hating you and I can tell you if she does decide to stay with him it will take her a good bit of time to heal from this and not resent the baby, if she can do this at all. She needs to know before the baby is born.No woman wants to find out her husband has cheated on her let alone has gotten the other woman pregnant and will father her baby, but honestly how long could the two of you hide it from her? Tell her Link to post Share on other sites
lena21 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I just now decided to state my husband was not out doing it all the time, he cheated with one girl and had cyber sex with another but each was only one time, there is a lot more to the story but saying that made it sound like I was a very stupid woman staying with a man who cheats all the time and I am still looking into divorce because of this. Link to post Share on other sites
In_Repair Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 [quote name=Athena- my H tells all the OW that he LOVES me, admires me, and never wants to leave me!" I am in the same place as Athena. My husband told his OW that he felt bad that he had to hurt me (when he left) because I was such a wonderful wife. It was stunning when I read the emails. I realize now that he was driving her to compete with me even more, and made his life that much better. It was exactly what kept her hooked on, his Compassion for me. He was an amazing actor, and seeing that part of him makes our recovery that much harder. [/quote] I think you two are digging too deep here. Most BSs just get the normal bad mouthing from their WS, and finding out that your WS has convinced the world that you are the devil just piles onto the already HUGE mountain of pain felt when the BS finally discovers the affair. My cheating wife had my own mother convinced that I was going crazy and needed therapy because she was feeding EVERYONE the old lines about how bad of a husband I was, just to help justify her affair when it came to light. I know that there is nothing "honest" about having an affair, but I wish that my wife had the decency to be honest enough to at least give me credit for being a good husband, even though she felt the need to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Destie- I am worried for your emotional and physical well-being; protect yourself okay. This man does not want to be around you or your baby anymore. He may go to drastic lengths to keep you and her his dirty little secrets. This man is not honorable, have more respect for yourself and realize he is not worth your energy. And I doubt he will ever love your baby so please, love her enough for two and be the best mother you can be because she is getting a not-so-great start in life. I feel bad for her and I hope that neither you nor MM use her as a tool or a pawn in between the two of you. I also feel bad for this MM's wife. Geez what a mess. But please watch your back, I am really worried in situations like these. It will all work out as long as you focus on yourself and your baby and leave MM in the dust where he belonged in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 (Regardless of what the law says, which was written in case men would walk away on their wives in the first place and never got ammended) I don't know what country you live in but in the U.S. the law is in place to support the child and make sure every child is financially provided for. Our system is based on the best interest of the *child* -- not the mother or the father. And this guy is gonna be a father, like it or not... yikes. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Hostile work environment is type of sexual harrassment.sex discrimination claim. Title VII is the statute for discrimination (sex, race color ethinicity etc). She couldnt claim sexual harrassment/discrimination over the affair, but I am almost certain that email would allow her to make a colorable claim that he wanted her fired after the affair. And her employer would be very very unhappy about the whole thing. An email like that is a smoking gun that leads pre filing negotiations right to settlement. I doubt she would even have to file in court. The employer wouldnt want to take a chance that a jury or judge would find in her favor when he said in writing he would do that. Yes... if he really sent emails telling her he would get her fired if she didn't abort his child, that is a smoking gun sexual harrassment and retalitory/ constructive discharge case if I have ever seen one, and I have seen a lot being that I defend employment law cases all the time. Wow this guy is a piece of work... Destie I think you should evaluate why you chose to sleep with/ be in a relationship with a guy like this?? And while we're on the subject of the law, yes, get a lawyer and seek your own advice because family law differs depending on your state and no one here can give you advice on that except an attorney in your own state. This is really something you should look into. And I am of the opinion that you should tell the wife so that she can protect herself financially as well. If she does want to divorce this slimeball, she should get out of dodge *now* before some of the family money goes to child support. And FWIW Destie I think everyone was getting their panties in a wad over semantics... it was obvious to me that you were talking about child support payments going to you *for the baby*, and that you meant you personally don't want any money from him for yourself, but money/support for the baby. I don't know if those are your true/only intentions or not but I did understand that to be what you were saying, and other people seemed to be confused by thinking you wanted "money" for yourself or child support payments to go to "you" etc. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 No, it's not, actually. And all of the needling questions that I raised that irked you and Destie, I did to illustrate the kinds of things the MM's attorney may bring up in court. That doesn't make much sense... she would be in a *much* better position in court with the emails than without. No jury is going to blame an employee for keeping emails threatening termination. Sure, there are other things they can find to blame her for, but not that. She and any other employee would be stuipd *not* to keep that email and any jury member knows this. But this discussion is off base because I don't think this will result in a sexual harrassment jury case. I think the issue is what is best for the child, and that probably wouldn't be. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 You're right, I do love him. Even though I know we will never be together ans I never expected him to leave I do love him. Honestly, he asked me the same thing today... what is it I want from him. I told him to be some sort of figure in her life. All I want is for him to be there for his daughter. This is a lot for anyone to handle let alone a married man. He says he wants to know her but doesn't think he wants to be known as her "father" b/c he realizes at what cost, he's not willing to ruin his home life. He says he needs time... I'm fine with giving it to him. Why do you love this fool even after all the things he has done wrong against you and his failure to take responsibility for HIS unborn child? He obviously does not love you so why do you still love him?? I think you should look deep inside yourself for the answer and that can help with some of your confusion. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 - my H tells all the OW that he LOVES me, admires me, and never wants to leave me!" I am in the same place as Athena. My husband told his OW that he felt bad that he had to hurt me (when he left) because I was such a wonderful wife. It was stunning when I read the emails. I realize now that he was driving her to compete with me even more, and made his life that much better. It was exactly what kept her hooked on, his Compassion for me. He was an amazing actor, and seeing that part of him makes our recovery that much harder. Very interesting this underlined part! Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Do I reach out to the wife and tell her about the baby? NO. No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. http://www.lifenews.com/state2235.html This ^crap happens. Do NOT be the thing that pushes him over the edge. If he's feeling desperate now, do not make the situation worse. Besides...he may realize now that he's partly responsible for his participation. HOWEVER...if you are the one that drops the axe in HIS marriage, THAT will become YOUR fault in his mind. DO NOT even touch that with a 10-foot pole. It's not your job to try and spare her from finding out in a court of law. It's his. If he can't be decent and tell his wife, then that's his problem. I would recommend stopping all contact with him and get yourself a lawyer - STAT. He/she would be able to advise you as to the legal standpoint better than anyone on this board. Do NOT put your nose in this guy's marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Like I said it's tricky.... How is "everyone has to agree" remotely similar to "not on the hook"? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 NO. No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. http://www.lifenews.com/state2235.html This ^crap happens. Do NOT be the thing that pushes him over the edge. If he's feeling desperate now, do not make the situation worse. Besides...he may realize now that he's partly responsible for his participation. HOWEVER...if you are the one that drops the axe in HIS marriage, THAT will become YOUR fault in his mind. DO NOT even touch that with a 10-foot pole. It's not your job to try and spare her from finding out in a court of law. It's his. If he can't be decent and tell his wife, then that's his problem. I would recommend stopping all contact with him and get yourself a lawyer - STAT. He/she would be able to advise you as to the legal standpoint better than anyone on this board. Do NOT put your nose in this guy's marriage. Now BS were told that Steve McNair was an extreme case, isn't this also considered rather extreme? Just saying..... Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Now BS were told that Steve McNair was an extreme case, isn't this also considered rather extreme? Just saying..... Who told BS that it was an extreme case? Obviously I didn't catch that comment. If it was in this thread, I'm sorry - I didn't have patience for the entire thing. YES, I would consider it an extreme case, but if I were in Destie's shoes, there's no way in hell I'd even chance it. The guy has A LOT to lose. Btw, BNB - I'm a BS, too. So I guess I should add - if I were the BS in THIS story, I would NOT be happy about the pregnant OW showing up telling me about my WS. I would see it as a really cruel move on her part - to rub my face in it. Almost like she couldn't bear the thought of someone ELSE breaking the news to me - she wanted to be sure to be there to see how much it hurt me. Destie, do not get involved. The guy is an asswipe - let his marriage be his problem. Link to post Share on other sites
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