Pregnant by MM

[fooled once]

Once again, you are not giving the father time to adjust to all the times you have changed your mind on what you planned to do.

 

His past isn't the issue -- yours will be if you try for sole custody.

 

You are the one who was at one point in this thread talking about telling his wife and asking how to best do it.

 

Now, the 'threat' of documentation and from my view on it; out to seek revenge because he has chosen to NOT want to be involved in the child's life. A 'defense' attorney will have a field day.

 

You voluntarily chose to be with a married man. You will be painted as a harlot, someone who sought out the attention of her boss in order to get ahead in her job.

 

Instead of threats to him, how about giving him some time to absorb it all? How about backing off and waiting until the child is born and then going from there?

[Jilly Bean]

So how will his romantic and sexual history come into play?

 

It won't as much as yours will. Three kids out of wedlock doesn't exactly scream innocent victim.

 

Taken to court, he will fight you. And fight you hard. Particularly if his entire marriage/homelife is wrecked because of this.

 

Yes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a pissed off man with cash is a lot more dangerous.

[DESTIE]

As far as the courts favoring the mother, those days are long gone. There is a thing called "fathers rights" that is leaning more in favor of the father.

 

I work in the system. It is getting down right ugly for women. No way would I ever file for support in this day & age.

 

Men who have never wanted to be fathers can become right down paternal when a huge chunk of their check comes missing.

 

I will take my chances. I am not going to let him get away w/o suppporting his child out of fear that he will gain custody. I have 2 great children. My oldest has been skipped ahead a grade and the other is in advanced classes. As I have said I would prefer to work something out outside the courts, that is a last resort.

[stillafool]

Three kids out of wedlock doesn't exactly scream innocent victim.

 

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

[stillafool]

 

As per the douchebag who decided you were good enough to sleep with behind his wife's back but not good enough to take responsibility for not slapping a condom on his straying dick, I say TOUGH sht for him. Touch sht that things did not work out as he expected in his fantastical pact. Tough sht that he is faced with this awful dilemma, tough sht that he was not man enough to think with his big head when he was using his little head unprotected and carelessly in another woman behind the woman he vowed to respect and honor's back.

 

 

 

 

And if the MM is all of this, what does that make Destie? A young innocent girl who went into this unknowingly?

[Jilly Bean]

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

 

Very much so. If he has a good attorney, then they will use her past as a precedent. "Here is a woman who has children with multiple men, affairs with married men, quits her job, and then claims she needs money."

 

As Fooled Once said, she will be painted as a harlot who has a history of having children outside of marriage, and then trying to get money from the baby daddy.

 

Let's be real here. Society doesn't look kindly upon an OW...

[DESTIE]

Once again, you are not giving the father time to adjust to all the times you have changed your mind on what you planned to do.

 

His past isn't the issue -- yours will be if you try for sole custody.

 

You are the one who was at one point in this thread talking about telling his wife and asking how to best do it.

 

Now, the 'threat' of documentation and from my view on it; out to seek revenge because he has chosen to NOT want to be involved in the child's life. A 'defense' attorney will have a field day.

 

You voluntarily chose to be with a married man. You will be painted as a harlot, someone who sought out the attention of her boss in order to get ahead in her job.

 

Instead of threats to him, how about giving him some time to absorb it all? How about backing off and waiting until the child is born and then going from there?

 

Yes, I was having an A with a married man. Yet he persued me. As I have said before I have some of our emails from the beginning where he came after me for months and got no where. I have not threatened him at all. I told him of my wishes, to have him in her life. He said no. I asked if he would help support, his response was I chose to have her. Nothing else has been mentioned, not even the thought of going to his wife. So see he has not been threatened at all. I told him I am done with what his role will be in her life and I will never revisit the topic again. All the posters have made this about me threatening this poor innocent MM.

[Jilly Bean]

Destie - why did you save all the emails? It could be construed as you were intentionally setting him up.

[DESTIE]

Very much so. If he has a good attorney, then they will use her past as a precedent. "Here is a woman who has children with multiple men, affairs with married men, quits her job, and then claims she needs money."

 

As Fooled Once said, she will be painted as a harlot who has a history of having children outside of marriage, and then trying to get money from the baby daddy.

 

Let's be real here. Society doesn't look kindly upon an OW...

 

This is laughable. I have 2 children 13 and 10 by 1 man. I have had 1 affair w/ a married MAN not men. I am not quitting my job its a sabbatical. Its hilarious that one minute I am a woman w/ an axe to grind against a married man b/c he wants nothing to do with me. And this is proven b/c I am not getting court documented CS from my childrens father, yet now I am a harlot trying to get money from my latest "baby daddy".

[DESTIE]

Destie - why did you save all the emails? It could be construed as you were intentionally setting him up.

 

I have a bunch. I set him up how? I tricked him by poking holes in the condom? Oh wait, he didn't wear one.

 

I have saved emails from before the pregnancy and during. At first it was cute little love letters that I saved. Once things got ugly and my position was threatened by email, d-mn right I kept them I would of been a fool not to.

[Awesome84]

You're right, I want what's best for my child. As one poster said, she was the child in a similar situation and her mother never persued support. I don't know if they suffered from this but its apparent she held some animosity about how it was handled by her mother.

 

That was me. I don't necessarily hold animosity towards my mom but I feel like she could have made it easier for herself as she was left to raise 3 kids on her own without the help of our father. She did the best she could with us and we turned out ok even though there were hard times. There were times that we didn't know if we were going to eat. But she found a way to feed us mostly by pawning her own belongings.... I hold the most animosity towards my dad as now he all of a sudden wants to be a part of my life now that I am doing well... and take credit for raising me... WTF???

 

Anyhow... the point of that was that you need to protect the child's interest. Whether you choose to tell his wife or not she is going to find out anyway if you pursue child support. Either he tells her or she finds out the hard way when she wonders why he has to pay child support. I don't think YOU should tell her. I think you should stay far away from him and his family. The damage has been done. Focus on getting child support and taking care of the baby on your own.

[butcher's hook]

Yes I agree with you. I have a friend who was the product of an affair. I told them of my plans to walk away and tell the child that its father was dead. They told me that was the wrong way to go. That I should be honest and upfront and hide nothing once the child is old enough to understand.

 

I will do everything in my power to make sure that this child has the best life possible and I have ended things with him completely.

 

Destie that's terrific! I am glad you ended things with that man, SO glad you walked away good for you!

 

The thing about lying like that is that unless you know for a fact you can bring that secret to the grave with you and your daughter will never ever find out the truth, is that it can be even more devastating for her to find out the actual truth on her own.

 

I can't advise you either way I am not qualified to give you this kind of advice, it is not something that can be decided frivolously. You will do well to seek therapy in how to handle this and what is the best course to take. I am a firm believer of the truth in due time, but because she is coming into this world already with this history I do urge you to put your best foot forward to provide for her in healthy ways. Both for her and your sake.

 

If you meet a man, a decent man who will love you and will be a good father to her I think that is the next best thing you can do. For example my boyfriend's parent's were divorced at a very young age, and his mother rejoined with another man and he has a tremendous relationship his step dad, better than with his real dad. So it can be possible for a single parent child to have a positive influence of the missing parent afterall.

 

Just don't complicate her life with her biological father or any other man like that.

[whichwayisup]

She hasn't walked away from him completely because the issue at hand is still child support. Sure, she's walked away from the affair and any chance of having MM again, that part is over - But this man IS the father of her child and if he pays CS, he will have rights.

 

Sorry, but this situation is far from over - His wife doesn't know the truth yet either, so who knows what's going to happen then.

[butcher's hook]

If he is at all like he is portraying to be, I feel then he will not give a crap about his parental rights, other than the forced money he will have to put forth.

 

In all honesty I am bit torn on the moral issue on whether this man should pay I mean it does feel like entrapment almost. If they agreed to be in a no strings attached affair and the OP now feels the moral need to have the child which I totally understand, she should be 100% responsible for the baby. It would be ideal for the man to just want to contribute to his child's life financially, but in the absence of this I would not feel right demanding he pay. Then again I am not in the situation so it is a lot easier looking from the outside in.

 

Then again he is a cheating bstard so why not force him to pay? No true sympathy for him in the end. But making him pay as you say WWIU is bringing in his entire other family into this situation.

[jj33]

Destie - why did you save all the emails? It could be construed as you were intentionally setting him up.

 

With all due respect that is absurd. Shed have been a fool NOT to save the emails. He threatened her livelihood. God the internet can be dangerous sometimes.

 

And entrapment? He willingly had sex with her. These are the values that our country has vigorously enforced, that men need to be responsible for the children they bear, that abortion is frowned upon (tho still legal at the moment).

 

You cant have it both ways. The thought that this could be anything like entrapment is once again the notoin of the woman as temptress, the siren seducing the poor helpless man.

 

She didnt rape him did she? She didnt somehow obtain his sperm and make herself pregnant did she?

 

You do the crime you do the time. If he was so concerned about the consequences, he should have thought about that before he had sex with her. If hed kept it in his pants he wouldnt have had this problem and neither would she. Thats why they are BOTH accountable - not just him not just her. They are BOTH responsible for the child.

 

Personally I would never have had the child in this situation but that was Destie's choice. Many would have villified her if she had decided to have an abortion.

 

And yes hes made it clear he will only do what is required and only if forced to do so. All this nonsense about 50% custody.

 

He doesnt want custody - he is probably regretting the whole thing right now because his world is going to come crashing down in 4 months or less when he has to explain to his wife why he is engaged in a child support dispute.

 

Why not cut to the chase? Lets just take her to the Taliban and have her stoned in the town square?

 

That is the thing with "rights". You protect the minority sometimes in cases that might not be comfortable for you to protect the rights of the majority. Maybe this MM will feel he got a raw deal because she said no strings attached, she said she was on birth control, but it didnt work this time.

 

Its not as if they had a written agreement stating that if she got pregnant he wouldnt be liable for support. No court is going to decide that she should have gotten an abortion and punish her for deciding to keep it by denying child support.

 

That is not the public policy in this country at this point in time. Just like welfare is given to mothers who have 3, 4 5 children out of wedlock and noone says you should have aborted the child or youve done this before so we arent paying this time. This isnt even money coming out of the governments pockets, its a private thing. He is responsible.

 

This has been going on forever and its always the woman's fault. The teenage boy who gets the girl pregnant and whose parents say but my boy is going to Harvard, he cant be a father etc etc... your girl is a tramp - its all the same thing. And he is responsible. And he will be held responsible.

 

So stop the scare mongering. Destie is not in an easy situation. She came to the boards for support. Not to be pilloried.

[Treasa]

With all due respect that is absurd. Shed have been a fool NOT to save the emails. He threatened her livelihood. God the internet can be dangerous sometimes.

 

And entrapment? He willingly had sex with her. These are the values that our country has vigorously enforced, that men need to be responsible for the children they bear, that abortion is frowned upon (tho still legal at the moment).

 

You cant have it both ways. The thought that this could be anything like entrapment is once again the notoin of the woman as temptress, the siren seducing the poor helpless man.

 

She didnt rape him did she? She didnt somehow obtain his sperm and make herself pregnant did she?

 

You do the crime you do the time. If he was so concerned about the consequences, he should have thought about that before he had sex with her. If hed kept it in his pants he wouldnt have had this problem and neither would she. Thats why they are BOTH accountable - not just him not just her. They are BOTH responsible for the child.

 

Personally I would never have had the child in this situation but that was Destie's choice. Many would have villified her if she had decided to have an abortion.

 

And yes hes made it clear he will only do what is required and only if forced to do so. All this nonsense about 50% custody.

 

He doesnt want custody - he is probably regretting the whole thing right now because his world is going to come crashing down in 4 months or less when he has to explain to his wife why he is engaged in a child support dispute.

 

Why not cut to the chase? Lets just take her to the Taliban and have her stoned in the town square?

 

That is the thing with "rights". You protect the minority sometimes in cases that might not be comfortable for you to protect the rights of the majority. Maybe this MM will feel he got a raw deal because she said no strings attached, she said she was on birth control, but it didnt work this time.

 

Its not as if they had a written agreement stating that if she got pregnant he wouldnt be liable for support. No court is going to decide that she should have gotten an abortion and punish her for deciding to keep it by denying child support.

 

That is not the public policy in this country at this point in time. Just like welfare is given to mothers who have 3, 4 5 children out of wedlock and noone says you should have aborted the child or youve done this before so we arent paying this time. This isnt even money coming out of the governments pockets, its a private thing. He is responsible.

 

This has been going on forever and its always the woman's fault. The teenage boy who gets the girl pregnant and whose parents say but my boy is going to Harvard, he cant be a father etc etc... your girl is a tramp - its all the same thing. And he is responsible. And he will be held responsible.

 

So stop the scare mongering. Destie is not in an easy situation. She came to the boards for support. Not to be pilloried.

 

I agree with this completely, except that I probably would have the baby too.

 

DESTIE - you save those emails. Don't worry about what anyone here is saying. We raise our children to be responsible for their actions, yet we can't hold ourselves to that same standard? I don't think so.

 

My mom and my father got married and had me. When I was two, my father started abusing me. My mom took me, left, and got a divorce. She tried to get child support, which she deserved, but he was a total deadbeat and she ended up raising me without it. The years when she was laid off from her job and yet going without anything herself just so she could make sure that all my needs were met were incredibly difficult, and I still feel bad for her for it.

 

You go after child support, keep any and all emails from him, and love on your daughter as much as you possibly can when she's born. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

[jj33]

Treasa thats very moving. And btw Destie if I didnt say it before, congratulations.

 

I always find it incredible that people think women will have a baby to entrap someone. If someone is doing it for the sole purpose of entrapment, they usually end up having an abortion when the man doesnt bite. To actually go through with it, solely for financial reasons is another story. Its like employers who think women have children just to get the 2-3 months of maternity leave. Yeah thats a bargain...

 

Yes I know it happens, but I think we need to give Destie the benefit of the doubt. Shes a working single mother. She has 2 children from one man with whom she apparently had a long term relationship. Not everyone chooses to get married. Some people live together.

 

If getting money out of the MM was Destie's sole purpose, and this was her lifelong MO, she would have lots of experience in this area having done this before. She wouldnt need to be posting, She would just be getting on with her "evil plan".

 

Gees even Sarah Palin would be confused by the views of women being thrown around here.

[jj33]

And BTW, going to a lawyer and getting court ordered cs doesnt mean a whole dog fight in court.

 

How likely do you think it is that the MM will want his cheating and marital history bandied about in court? How much humiliation do you think his W will want to endure? How likely is it that he will want to take a chance at having a published judicial opinion setting out his misdeeds? Id say that is VERY unlikely.

 

Destie will get a lawyer, who will contact MM who will hire a lawyer. There will be a DNA test. It will prove MM is the father. The lawyers will negotiate some more.

 

I would be VERY surprised if there was any "Boston Legal" thing going on in the courtroom. Neither Destie nor MM will want to go that route. Once they have an agreeement they will go to court to get the order signed by the judge.

 

If he toys with her employement, then that is another story but again its very unlikely that this guy is going to want to go there with all the dirty laundry hes got in the hamper.

 

Im sure some of you have been in nasty divorces or nasty child custody fights but I suspect the nastiness here will be between the lawyers and not in the courtroom.

[Trimmer]

I told him I would do it alone and he could walk away no strings attached. Of course he was fine with this...

What exactly did you say, and what exactly did you mean? No. Strings. Attached. This means - no strings attached. The two of you had a meeting of the minds and an agreement.

 

So now, I'm still confused.... Just what do you want from him? The only thing that the court will get you will be decrees for money and custody. But:

I did not plan on having another child but she's on her way. The money... he can keep the money I have given him that option. I told him if he wanted he could keep it from her forever. What I want is for him to help support her. I don't need money.

So what the heck is it that you are trying to get from him? Please be clear - are you asking for financial support? And will you go to court to get it if he isn't willing to agree to provide financial support outside of the court system?

 

Thank you, all I want in the long run is what is best for my child.

Now, I happen to think that this is the right guiding principle you should be applying here. That's why I think it was incredibly irresponsible of you to make the "no strings attached" agreement in the first place. You had a responsibility to your child that you abdicated for personal and emotional reasons when you made that agreement.

 

You know, most of this thread is an arguement about whether or not Destie should be seeking support. One thing that has been overlooked is that any decisions she makes is FOR the child who can't make the decision herself. What right does Destie have to refuse to pursue things for the child's care? It isn't about what's best for either of these two adults.

I agree, which is where I get the idea that it was irresponsible for her to make the "no strings attached" agreement. So, for the good of the child, I think that she has to take the hit to her honor, reneg on the agreement, and go after him for child support. Much of what she has been wrestling with has been self-serving, when you really think of it. It's about her and her pride and ego: it's not her place to "make him" be honest, or to raise the issue with his wife, or any of that. Once she gets down to thinking about what's best for the child, it's clear that all she's likely to get from him is money, and for the good of the child, she should go for that. It means going back on a (stupid) commitment she made, but I think she needs to do it.

 

It really baffles me that people can justify him walking away b/c I knew of his situation. He knew of his situation also. Yet majority of these people are telling me to suck it up and deal with it. Like he should be able to walk away, no harm no foul.

Actually, you, yourself told him exactly that: that he could walk away, "no strings attached." How are you missing this? That's where the attitude comes from.

 

Look, I can't justify him walking away, but you opened a big huge can of worms when you made that agreement. That was a monumental agreement, irresponsible to your child, and one on which he probably took as a turning point in his life - you can't treat it as if it was just some little inconsequential broken promise. Yes, you're going to break it, but don't act mystified as to why he's got some heartburn over it.

 

Not that I have any sympathy for him in any of this. Hardly! I just think you made an incredibly big agreement, with huge ramifications, which was also incredibly irresponsible, and you shouldn't be shocked that breaking it now is going to have some ripple effects.

[jj33]

Trimmer my sense is that lots of people say no strings. They say no strings where sex is concerned, they say oh we will always be friends, they say oh we will never let this impact on our working relationship etc etc...

 

And it rarely turns out that way. Its just MUCH bigger when theres an unexpected preganancy.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer my sense is that lots of people say no strings. They say no strings where sex is concerned, they say oh we will always be friends, they say oh we will never let this impact on our working relationship etc etc...

 

And it rarely turns out that way. Its just MUCH bigger when theres an unexpected preganancy.

But the "no strings attached" agreement wasn't some dreamy description of the relationship before the pregnancy or anything vague like that; it was specifically about him walking away from the pregnancy and his responsibility to her and the child. The unexpected pregnancy didn't come along and change some prior "NSA" agreement; the pregnancy was already on the table, she had already announced that she was keeping the child, and with all this information clearly understood between them, she said: "...I would do it alone and he could walk away no strings attached."

 

Now, having based his agreement to this - and his plans for the next part of his life - on supposedly complete information and a meeting of the minds, he later finds out that she's going to ask for financial support? He's still a sleaze-bucket, but I can see where he would be a little confused and irritated that she's changed course.

 

And she's confused and indignant as to how he could possibly put up a fuss?

 

I think they both have a responsibility to the child (who they have both treated so irresponsibly so far...) and I think he needs to step up to his, which will involve her going back on her agreement.

 

That's why I asked her for a clearer reading on what the "no strings attached" agreement actually was.

[jj33]

I see your point but does it matter? She changed her mind. He is legally responsible just because she changed her mind she is not going to "go back" to her prior position.

 

yes she changed her mind. Yes he is understandably confused and angry. Thats life in the fast lane... hes going to have to suck it up.

 

We could sit and argue all day about whether she should he should but the fact is he is obligated. And she is pregnant and confused for Gods sake its not surprising that she is changing her mind.

 

Thats why she needs to get a lawyer involved. She is not the best spokesperson for the child at this point; too many emotions involved to see it all clearly.

[Jilly Bean]

With all due respect that is absurd. Shed have been a fool NOT to save the emails. He threatened her livelihood.

 

And entrapment?

 

No, it's not, actually. And all of the needling questions that I raised that irked you and Destie, I did to illustrate the kinds of things the MM's attorney may bring up in court. All they have to do is plant the seed of doubt, run with it a bit, and boom. Destie is no longer the victim she likes to paint. She needs to be prepared for a fight, and a fight that will include these types of accusations and total character assassination.

 

Also keep in mind, we're only hearing half of this entire story. I'm sure if the MM were posting here, we'd find out some other interesting facts that would paint her even more in a negative light.

[jj33]

Jilly that may be true but have you ever been involved in litigation? Are you a lawyer? Its not all Boston Legal. The likelihood that this will become a court room drama is very very slim. That is not the object of the exercise.

 

The object of the exercise from MM and his family's point of view is most likely to be to settle the matter with the least public humiliation and expense once paternity is proven.

 

It might get ugly in papers between Destie and the guy and he may threaten things but I would doubt that he would actually try them in court. That is not how the system works.

 

Women dont get less cs because they are "harlots". Its about the child not about Destie. No matter what you may think of Desties conduct once paternity is proven its really a matter of settling on a number.

[Treasa]

Jilly that may be true but have you ever been involved in litigation? Are you a lawyer? Its not all Boston Legal. The likelihood that this will become a court room drama is very very slim. That is not the object of the exercise.

 

The object of the exercise from MM and his family's point of view is most likely to be to settle the matter with the least public humiliation and expense once paternity is proven.

 

It might get ugly in papers between Destie and the guy and he may threaten things but I would doubt that he would actually try them in court. That is not how the system works.

 

Women dont get less cs because they are "harlots". Its about the child not about Destie. No matter what you may think of Desties conduct once paternity is proven its really a matter of settling on a number.

 

Ditto. Hopefully both Destie and her MM will think carefully before ever doing something like this again.