Pregnant by MM

[stillafool]

I have a bunch. I set him up how? I tricked him by poking holes in the condom? Oh wait, he didn't wear one.

QUOTE]

 

Why didn't you make him wear one, it was just as much your responsibility as it is your body. Since the two of you had this "promise" it seems every precaution would be taken.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Just curious: did anybody else see it?

 

Yes. It had 30+ responses.

[whimsical_memory]

I didn't. But more importantly, what would cause it to be deleted?

 

 

I saw it, and so did a few other posters. I would imagine that someone clicked "alert" on it, and the moderators deleted the thread due to the content.

[DESTIE]

 

 

Buckle down. You know he doesn't want to be involved, and you said he could "walk away." (Although I'm starting to agree with the idea that this was a lie to test him, and since he failed, now you want to punish him... Again, no sympathy for him for f***ing around when he was married.) I'm still not sure what you're looking for - you go back and forth between saying that you want him to support his child, but you don't want his money, and he can walk...

 

Have a healthy pregnancy, have the child, have a DNA test, file for support and let it wind its way through the system. What other drama are you seeking out at this point?

 

You're right. My original agreement was foolish I should of never offered NSA. I have had all my questions from the OP answered so there is no drama. He will live his life, I will live mines. We will agree on support either in or out of court, either will work fine for me. I'm pretty sure all of this has been answered in the 20 pages before this one. So once again there is no drama

[DESTIE]

I have a bunch. I set him up how? I tricked him by poking holes in the condom? Oh wait, he didn't wear one.

QUOTE]

 

Why didn't you make him wear one, it was just as much your responsibility as it is your body. Since the two of you had this "promise" it seems every precaution would be taken.

 

You're right it was, hindsight is 20/20 and that really doesn't matter at this point.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Sorry, but "my hormones were raging" is no more an excuse for that irresponsibility than it is for either of you having sex and getting pregnant. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions, even stupid ones.

 

Seem to remember some court cases that would disagree with you.

[Trimmer]

You're right. My original agreement was foolish I should of never offered NSA. I have had all my questions from the OP answered so there is no drama. He will live his life, I will live mines. We will agree on support either in or out of court, either will work fine for me. I'm pretty sure all of this has been answered in the 20 pages before this one. So once again there is no drama

Well, live and learn. Have a healthy, minimal-drama pregnancy, relax and focus on your life and your family, and being the best mother you can.

 

And if you set your preferences to 40 posts per page, then it's only been 8 pages!

[Jilly Bean]

I saw it, and so did a few other posters. I would imagine that someone clicked "alert" on it, and the moderators deleted the thread due to the content.

 

What was in it? Do you think it was really the MM? I'm so bummed I missed it! Serves me right for going out today. lol

[Trimmer]

Seem to remember some court cases that would disagree with you.

Well, I wasn't talking about legal responsibility - more honor and interpersonal responsibility for agreements willingly made and sex consensually had between thinking, cognizant adults. But if you can quote them, and they apply in the context of my comment, go ahead and do so. As a generic statement, though, that doesn't add much to the discussion, other than a cutesy "bumper-sticker" kind of a feel.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Thinking, consenting adults know that there is no such thing as no strings attached sex. Unless one has a vasectomy or tubal ligation. Pregnancy is a very possible string.

[Trimmer]

Thinking' date=' consenting adults know that there is no such thing as [b']no[/b] strings attached sex. Unless one has a vasectomy or tubal ligation. Pregnancy is a very possible string.

Yes, I do see and agree with your point that having "no strings attached" sex, does not imply that you can walk away from a responsibility for an unexpected pregnancy that results. I totally agree.

 

But, while we're digging up a topic that even the OP has put to rest here, if you go back to the original post, the "No strings attached" agreement was made at a point where they both had the complete information on the table that she was already pregnant, and had changed her mind and decided to keep it; in that context, she then told him he could walk away with "no strings attached," and he agreed. My point, (and again, I'm not trying to inflame this point with the OP as I think she has put it to rest now...) is that that is a moment that has potential long term consequences, and that calls for adult responsibility and thoughtfulness - just as much as the decision to have sex and risk pregnancy in the first place - and that it was a bad agreement to make, in that it potentially compromised the welfare of the unborn child.

 

Unlike having sex though, and however you feel about honor and honesty, it's a decision she has reversed, and now everyone is moving on.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

I agree with you for the most part Trimmer. But pregnant women are hormonal and tend to change their mind. I see no fault in that.

[whimsical_memory]

What was in it? Do you think it was really the MM? I'm so bummed I missed it! Serves me right for going out today. lol

 

 

Honestly? I do not think that anyone truly believed that it was "THE" MM that was posting. For that matter, I do not think anyone is truly believing THIS thread, but hey,to each their own- if this is how someone gets their jollies, so be it!

[Lyssa]

Damn! It got deleted? Typical.

[Gamine]

Destie, in your original post you indicated that you were good friends, he is/was your boss, and that you loved one another. Is this something you do to someone you love? In other words, does one do whatever is necessary... at anyone's expense... just to get what they want?

 

You wanted someone else's husband so you took him and enjoyed him. You fell in love with him and formed an attachment. You become pregnant, and now want him for yourself... and since you cannot have him voluntarily... you will have him financially and against his will. But the cornerstone here lies in that you love this man and I believe deep down wanted a romanticized outcome that did not materialize. It seems that you wanted and believed that he loved you and that he would 'realize' this once the pregnancy moved along. Almost as if he'd say... "hey, I realize how much I do love you... I'll get a divorce and we can be a family....". But that did not happen... instead you have a very angry man who will likely loose his job and his family.

 

If this is what you do to those you love I wouldn't want to be your enemy. Because at the end of the day it isn't about getting what we want. It is about doing the right thing. Some can say.... he wanted to play so now he pays. But you don't do that to someone you love. You honor your word. Yes, you can extort money from him... and/or take him to court and extract it from him. But now all you have is someone who used to care about you now hating you. He is never going to turn around and become your husband. He will look upon this situation as one of the gravest mistakes of his lifetime. Is that what you want to represent?

 

If two consenting adults choose to have sex and there is an unwanted pregnancy involving a man with whom you have absolutely no promises from... who is already married with a child of his own... then you are duty bound to accept the responsibility of his own actions.

 

I believe the money is retaliation over not having him. The sad thing is that you will be alienating him so badly and destroying lives. And instead of getting him, you will have destroyed the very man you claim to have loved.

[jj33]

Sorry to tell you this Gamine but that is not the way it works. Men are held accountable when their sperm produce children.

 

Why are you so ready to protect men like little children at every turn? It is an interesting twist on your feeling of women as goddesses and sisters who should protect each others' men from straying.

 

You talk about "the love" when really you mean stay away from my family. I understand you were hurt by your husband's actions, but men are adults and do have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

 

There is a child involved here. This is no longer just about Destie.

 

If you all are worried about cautionary tales, this is certainly a cautionary tale to men who stray.

[Athena]

I don't see what the big deal about MM paying for his child is. Frankly, he has a job, (as his wife?), they only have ONE child together, while Destie has two children she is supporting... therefore one parent to 2 --> 3 children, while MM's family is two parents to 1 -->2 (now).

 

Destie, having already got a roof over her two kid's heads, is unlikely to be living beyond her means, so if SHE can help pay half the costs for this new baby, surely MM can afford to pay the other half? Lets quit with the feeling sorry for MM "paying for the next 18 years" and " destroying the rest of his life" -- that's overkill. If Destie can afford it, so can MM.

[jj33]

As for people not wearing condoms - lets not be shocked people. Loads of people dont wear condoms. Birth control fails. Even condoms fail. Things happen.

 

Why is everyone shifting blame when Destie is where she is. What he or she might or should have done is no longer relevant.

 

They are where they are. The only place to look is forward.

[Gamine]

Sorry to tell you this Gamine but that is not the way it works. Men are held accountable when their sperm produce children.

 

Why are you so ready to protect men like little children at every turn? It is an interesting twist on your feeling of women as goddesses and sisters who should protect each others' men from straying.

 

You talk about "the love" when really you mean stay away from my family. I understand you were hurt by your husband's actions, but men are adults and do have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

 

There is a child involved here. This is no longer just about Destie.

 

If you all are worried about cautionary tales, this is certainly a cautionary tale to men who stray.

 

 

JJ33, there is a genuine respect for all women to be as sisters. There is also an expectation that we as women can be more than recipients of sperm and walk through life as beggars. As goddesses we don't have to accept that role and shouldn't. A proud and strong woman is duty bound by her word ... for without our personal integrity we are nothing. We are nothing as women, as mothers, as friends, as sisters, as employees... virtually everything in life is laid to waste without integrity.

 

You are missing the point entirely. You chose to see it as a call for other women not to stray with other women's men. That is a view you chose to extract and reshape from a post I had earlier. And frankly... you misunderstand. You can persist with an absurd description of my post on sisterhood until the cows come home... it does not make it so. You can persist and persist. Some women got it.

 

Reproduction is not something that 'happens' to us. A shooting star doesn't pass over us impregnating us. When we do become pregnant we have the choice to make. In this case an adult woman and man in an ADULT relationship made a CHOICE as a couple. She changed her mind and thusly unilaterally bound two people (and more) to her choice. Her choice was to bring the child into this world. And again, swore to the man who she was a COUPLE with (albeit an affair) that the terms would be that nothing would be ever asked of him.

 

Of course she has the power. She is carrying this baby. I am not protecting a man as a child. I believe she is using a child to derive something against another person's will... which JJ33... is wrong on every level it can be wrong. It is immoral to lie and trap another human being. Yes, he deposited his sperm... but from the OP, she was not seeking a sperm donor. She claimed to love him and this... yes this... changes everything. We are now expected to act with lovingkindness... not in a self serving manner.

 

JJ33, I had a life before I ever got married (at age 35) so I understand the reality of this choice. Many women have made it. Each living with the responsibility that goes with it. My life experiences go well beyond my married years so to view my opinion of this in light of the almost insignificant portion of my life spent married is erroneous. I have walked the talk, so to speak.

 

JJ33, the sisterhood was a recognition of the higher expression of us as women. If there exists a choice to be purely animalistic than that is also a choice but it is not one I understand. And, my view of sisterhood would not be the slightest bit affected by any woman wanting or getting my man. There are many fish in the sea. Everyone is free as sentient beings to do their own will. You give the weight of my husband and his nonsense more importance to my life than it is worthy of. It does not contour who I am and never will.

 

And, for the record I disagree with you when you say that "it doesn't work that way". There are many women who do as they promise. Who honor their word. The same standard would apply to a married or single man. Yes, once the baby is here we have laws that guarantee she'll get a check every month. Yes, she can obtain the money. That is not the point. It is whether it is right.

[Gamine]

I don't see what the big deal about MM paying for his child is. Frankly, he has a job, (as his wife?), they only have ONE child together, while Destie has two children she is supporting... therefore one parent to 2 --> 3 children, while MM's family is two parents to 1 -->2 (now).

 

Destie, having already got a roof over her two kid's heads, is unlikely to be living beyond her means, so if SHE can help pay half the costs for this new baby, surely MM can afford to pay the other half? Lets quit with the feeling sorry for MM "paying for the next 18 years" and " destroying the rest of his life" -- that's overkill. If Destie can afford it, so can MM.

 

 

But you are forgetting this was Destie's choice not her boyfriend's decision. We do live in a day and age whereby all sex is not meant for reproduction. Reproduction is a choice. It would be equally as wrong to unilaterally bind a single man to this choice. This is the old 'entrapment' that women used in the dark ages. Come on ladies, aren't we beyond that by now? He had sex now he should pay? What, pray tell, does that sound like?

[Athena]

But you are forgetting this was Destie's choice not her boyfriend's decision. We do live in a day and age whereby all sex is not meant for reproduction. Reproduction is a choice. It would be equally as wrong to unilaterally bind a single man to this choice. This is the old 'entrapment' that women used in the dark ages. Come on ladies, aren't we beyond that by now? He had sex now he should pay? What, pray tell, does that sound like?

 

Yes, I agree.

 

And if Destie gave up her child for adoption into a loving family, she would not have to deal with raising a child who was unwanted by it's father, and whom didn't want to pay.

 

However, if MM was an honorable man, he would seek to pay for the upkeep of any of his children. Just saying.

There's no honor amongst thieves.

[Gamine]

Yes, I agree.

 

And if Destie gave up her child for adoption into a loving family, she would not have to deal with raising a child who was unwanted by it's father, and whom didn't want to pay.

 

However, if MM was an honorable man, he would seek to pay for the upkeep of any of his children. Just saying.

There's no honor amongst thieves.

 

 

No there is no honor amongst thieves. But who is the thief? Who has been stolen from?

[Athena]

No there is no honor amongst thieves. But who is the thief? Who has been stolen from?

 

"Thief" as in a person who participates in any wrongdoing and you cannot expect one 'thief' to have honor towards another 'thief' cuz in the end, they are all in it for themselves, not each other.

[jj33]

Gamine what I meant was it doesnt work that way because that is public policy written into law.

 

Destie was not obligated to have an abortion. She chose not to do that. That would not have been my choice but it is hers.

 

He gambled and he lost. He now pays the price. Its harsh but life isnt always fair.

 

If he were so worried about the consequences to his family, he would not have had taken the risks that he did. It just seems that no matter what happens, its always the OWs fault and rarely the MMs fault. He was there too. She couldnt have done this by herself. And noone knows HOW they will feel when they get pregnant. Laws work for the majority. Is it "unfair" that he has to pay when they agreed to keep it light. Perhaps. But you could say that its equally unfair that she was unlucky enough to get pregnant.

 

Abortion is a choice. Noone should be penalized for not having one. And since men dont get pregnant, they have less say in what happens. They are also spared the physical burden of the pregnancy.

 

Gamine I am not even going to respond to the other points in your post. I think as usual you and I will have to agree to disagree.

[Gamine]

Gamine what I meant was it doesnt work that way because that is public policy written into law.

 

Destie was not obligated to have an abortion. She chose not to do that. That would not have been my choice but it is hers.

 

He gambled and he lost. He now pays the price. Its harsh but life isnt always fair.

 

If he were so worried about the consequences to his family, he would not have had taken the risks that he did.

 

 

In the very same situation I chose differently from Destie.

 

He gambled on her and he lost. Our word is our honor. Our honor is our integrity. Our integrity is our worth.

 

This is not an example of a young girl who becomes pregnant while in high school ... unknowing of the responsibilities of parenthood. And I do not discount the father's responsibilities.

 

However, becoming a mother and a father should be a choice that is made by both parties... if it is expected that both will share the responsibilities (financially or otherwise). It should not be a decision that is sprung onto another on the installment plan.

 

I understand, as do many women, what it is to do what is responsible in light of the situation. It may not have been an easy one but it was one I was willing to undergo on my own. Why? Because I knew he was married going into it. At the age of 20 I knew better than to extort a life and a child from a man who did not belong to me. I saw it as wrong then. I see it as wrong today. Like I said. I walked the talk.

 

It comes down to standing up for one's own choices. If she made this choice on her own then she should be the only one to support this child. I don't care what the law says. It is wrong to trap a man into a life. That is something that I would like to think we, as women, could have outgrown by now.