Pregnant by MM

[Jilly Bean]

Believe me he knows I'm pregnant he sees me M-F for 8 hrs a day.

 

So, have you been at work since you've started this thread? Because you pretty much seem to monitor it 24/7 and I don't know when you are working and/or caring for your children.

[DESTIE]

So, have you been at work since you've started this thread? Because you pretty much seem to monitor it 24/7 and I don't know when you are working and/or caring for your children.

 

Yes, have been for 8 hrs today. I will be returning for another 8 tomorrow... as well as the rest of the week.

[herenow]

I don't recall DESTIE ever saying that she actually wanted to contact his W. So in her defense, she didn't suggest this. I did. I made an argument for contacting the W so at least the W can protect herself and her child as best and as legally as she can before this child is born. Anything after that screws his W and child for the next 18 years.

 

Sorry for any confusion.

 

I second that idea!

[LaGazelle]

See, this is where I have an issue. Like Gamine, I think this was done to entrap him.

 

She already had a pregnancy scare ONCE with him. That alone, as a woman, would make me say to the man "no hat, no play". IF I didn't want anymore children, I would MAKE SURE he wore a condom and I was taking every precaution available.

 

I personally think she does want him to pay for NOT leaving his wife. she can say all she wants that she never wanted that -- and if that was the case -- the affair would not have gone as far as it did emotionally. WHY would you fall in love with someone if you didn't see a future with them. Please don't give me the old "you can't help who you love" line because you sure as hell can.

 

She - IMHO - is using this pregnancy/child as a way to keep a bond with the MM.

 

And I feel sorry for ANY man who gets 'saddled' with a child they didn't want for the rest of their life and they are expected to pay for it.

 

Do I think men who have unprotected sex put themselves at risk? Damn straight. But again, we all know sex isn't used for procreation like it was in the dark ages.

 

WOMEN have a responsibility to THEIR bodies.

 

I don't have an issue with men paying their fair share of child support. I received c/s for my son and my H paid c/s for his 2 kids. In our scenario's - we were all married to our spouses when the children came into play and then divorced.

 

I think also this MM may change his tune when he meets his child. Who knows. But I also think he needs time to process Destie going back on her word. Like Gamine said - our word is our bond. Without that ......

 

I think telling the OP that the BW will possibly leave only gives her HOPE that this man will come back to her.

 

I noticed she never answered the question of when did she actually END the affair and why is she still talking to him........

 

Indeed - I don't see the value in giving her false hope in a situation where the odds are so heavily stacked against her. I know 2 women who were in the same situation and both of them ended up with a truly raw deal instead of the bond, love and affection which they'd hoped for. I am not saying Destie will end up in a similar position, but based on what I have seen and heard about many similar situations, the odds don't look too good.

 

One of the women in question was a family friend who had an affair with the MM for 5 yrs and then "fell" pregnant and informed his W that although she had given her husband 4 sons, she (OW) was about to give MM his only daughter. The W took off to another continent and MM did nothing besides traipse behind her. The daughter meanwhile has been deprived of dedicated fatherly love and affection even though MM has had 15 yrs to adjust to the shambles he helped create.

 

The other scenario involves one of my stylists who had been with a MM for 15 years (since her teens!!!!!), only for him to end the A when she deliberately got pregnant (having tried for a yr without his knowledge!). MM does support the child financially, which is great, but it is terribly sad that the innocent little girl does not receive even the tiniest fraction of the emotional support MM provides for his son and W.

 

I wish the OP best of luck, but I think false hope is of no value whatsoever. The OP should rather expend her energies on finding a practical way forward -out of the dilemma she got herself in.

[LaGazelle]

This story has more holes in it than a slice of swiss cheese.

 

Destie - are we to believe that a married man, with a family, on a holiday weekend, somehow magically found LS, then found your thread, and decided to post refutting your tale?

 

I didn't see his thread, but I understand he revealed some pretty interesting facts about you and your actions, none of which you argued. I find that curious, because I know I get pretty defensive if I am falsely accused, particularly considering the things he had to say!

 

Regardless, let's say the story IS true. Then I agree with Phoenix. It sounds like you are trying to bide your time and hope that he'll see the error of his ways, and want to reconcile with you. I just don't see that happening...

 

I couldn't agree more - not least of all because the only times Destie seems to be able to hang on to MM, are those when she promises NSA sex. Obviously with their baby in the picture, NSA can no longer be a reality. It seems like she could be fighting a losing battle if she expects to get anything besides cold hard cash. Hopefully the baby will bring out intense motherly love and instincts that will help her to see what's real and more importantly, help her to get real with the business of giving her child the best she can for the next 18 +yrs.

[GreenEyedLady]

I advocate not telling the W.

 

Why?

 

For the opposite reason that posters are advocating FOR it.

 

The OP is the one here posting for advice, not the BS. In the best interest of the OP she should keep her mouth shut and NC.

 

This isn't a game, this is the OP's and her baby's life. If the OP doesn't look after both their interests, they will get NOTHING if it's up to the MM.

[NoIDidn't]

I couldn't agree more - not least of all because the only times Destie seems to be able to hang on to MM, are those when she promises NSA sex. Obviously with their baby in the picture, NSA can no longer be a reality. It seems like she could be fighting a losing battle if she expects to get anything besides cold hard cash. Hopefully the baby will bring out intense motherly love and instincts that will help her to see what's real and more importantly, help her to get real with the business of giving her child the best she can for the next 18 +yrs.

 

No offense to DESTIE (or other women in her position) but the feelings for the AP usually override the motherly feelings until the AP is taken off a pedestal and the OP no longer wants to be with them.

 

Until she gives up the hope that she and her daughter (and the not mentioned other children of hers) might get him in the end, she might not have a huge rise in motherly feelings, IMO.

 

And, usually the motherly feelings that do arise are more like those of a polar bear fighting any male that might seek to eat her child. Might be good for a polar bear cub, but not good for a human baby that might want to know her father one day.

[NoIDidn't]

The OP is the one here posting for advice, not the BS. In the best interest of the OP she should keep her mouth shut and NC.

 

This isn't a game, this is the OP's and her baby's life. If the OP doesn't look after both their interests, they will get NOTHING if it's up to the MM.

 

Of course, as if the only people affected are the OP and her child.

 

This isn't a game for the BW and HER CHILD either. Unfortunately, the BW doesn't know any of this yet, so of course she isn't here asking for advice.

 

I advocate COMPASSION for the actual innocents in this. All of the children, and the betrayed wife that doesn't know the train that's about to hit her.

[jj33]

I advocate not telling the W.

 

Why?

 

For the opposite reason that posters are advocating FOR it.

 

The OP is the one here posting for advice, not the BS. In the best interest of the OP she should keep her mouth shut and NC.

 

This isn't a game, this is the OP's and her baby's life. If the OP doesn't look after both their interests, they will get NOTHING if it's up to the MM.

 

My thoughts exactly. Go to a lawyer find out the best strategy. Dont go to the W until its time. If he doesnt alert her sooner, then that is his problem.

[GreenEyedLady]

Of course, as if the only people affected are the OP and her child.

 

This isn't a game for the BW and HER CHILD either. Unfortunately, the BW doesn't know any of this yet, so of course she isn't here asking for advice.

 

I advocate COMPASSION for the actual innocents in this. All of the children, and the betrayed wife that doesn't know the train that's about to hit her.

 

The OP needs to worry about herself and her unborn child.

 

She is not responsible for anyone else.

 

And it is the responsibility of the WS to inform his W. The OP should stay out of it.

 

It is in her best interest to follow legal channels after the birth of the child.

[NoIDidn't]

The OP needs to worry about herself and her unborn child.

 

She is not responsible for anyone else.

 

And it is the responsibility of the WS to inform his W. The OP should stay out of it.

 

It is in her best interest to follow legal channels after the birth of the child.

 

I don't disagree with you, but I never said or implied any of what you are saying.

 

By advocating COMPASSION for this man's family, I've not said that DESTIE is responsible for his W and child OR that she should worry about them.

 

If that's what you get from my post, that is on you not me.

[Athena]

Yes, but the money comes from somewhere doesn't it? And it will have to be taken from the household income. So indirectly, his wife and children do indeed pay. Who knows what their financial dynamic is... however the money will be diverted from his wife and son to his mistress' baby.

 

So what if the money has to come from somewhere? And that somewhere happens to be ONE of MM's pockets? (since Destie will be paying half to support this baby of theirs). Destie's other two children will have far less money available to them if their single mother has to raise this new baby all on her own... right? Are those kids worth any less than MM's ONE child (not 'children' as you keep saying... he only has one with W, Destie is having a third child on her single parent income... )

 

As far as

Our word is our honor. Our honor is our integrity. Our integrity is our worth.

So, you are expecting Destie to suddenly have honor, integrity, & to keep to her word? But she is an OW so exactly how much did she honor the MM's marriage to begin with? Exactly how much integrity did she have for sneaking around? No offense intended to any OW on these boards, because I know that many MM will pick a wonderful woman to have an affair with, because the MM can then count on the good qualities of the OW to not betray him...

I am just saying it's kinda odd that you NOW expect an OW to show 'honor and integrity' when her very position showed her not doing this to begin with...

[Trimmer]

I want to clarify something again, because it is pertinent to the thread and to the original post, and I think some posters are getting the wrong idea that she promised "NSA Sex" and he took that to release him from any responsibility for the consequences:

the only times Destie seems to be able to hang on to MM, are those when she promises NSA sex. Obviously with their baby in the picture, NSA can no longer be a reality.

It wasn't NSA sex she promised - or at least that's not the most important point - it was walking away from her and the baby and her decision to keep it that they agreed to, and she offered "no strings attached." Check post #1 for that.

 

I agree with you for the most part Trimmer. But pregnant women are hormonal and tend to change their mind. I see no fault in that.

Well, I'll plagiarize someone else's words in response to that:

 

Why are you so ready to protect men like little children at every turn?

I don't think women (even pregnant, hormonal women) need to be protected like little children at every turn either, as if they are incapable of considering and making a stable, adult decision that will substantially affect the welfare the child (like agreeing to let the father walk away from his responsibilities, no strings attached.) That's where my earlier comment comes from that it was irresponsible of her to make that significant and important agreement in the first place.

 

And because it does involve an innocent child who cannot advocate for itself, I also find myself in agreement with those who believe that the father should still be held to provide for the child he produced, as distasteful as that may be to those who believe she is going back on an agreement she made.

 

So I am torn, as I share that distaste. Word is honor, but dammit, at that moment, nobody was advocating for the child, and that is the overriding dishonor and shame on both of them.

 

and here's Destie...she said, MM will not have to be a part on the baby's life at all...and yet the reality of the situation hits her and she changes her mind...sorry, she needs financial help with the baby. Why can't we allow her that? There is an innocent life who will be affected by all these, an innocent life who ACTUALLY does not get to make his/her two cents known.

Agreed. That's what it comes down to for me.

 

I just have to say that, as a BW, I don't hate the OP. I feel sorry for her and more important, sorry for the innocent child being brought into this world. For a child to be born not wanted by one parent, IMO, is a tragedy. I say shame on both the MM and the OW for being so irresponsible.

I agree, but all we can hope is that the OP does accept the responsibility to love, support, and nurture the child with everything she has in her.

 

I don't recall DESTIE ever saying that she actually wanted to contact his W. So in her defense' date=' she didn't suggest this. I did. [/quote']

Actually, from her original post that started the thread:

 

...After some very deep and sometimes mean conversations I realized that he would never come around and it would probably be best for him to not be in her life.

 

Do I reach out to the wife and tell her about the baby? I don't want to ruin his home but I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences.

 

I would prefer we all came up with some type of agreement without going to the courts. Or should I wait and go to court and let that be the W's first time knowing of the child?

 

If there are any wives reading this I know you probably hate what I represent however I would love to know your opinion. Would you prefer to find out now or once the baby is born?

So contacting the wife was one of her original options, and she's the one who introduced the concept to the thread. I'm not claiming that she "wanted to" or "was going to", but she did bring it up as a significant part of her options.

[NoIDidn't]

So contacting the wife was one of her original options, and she's the one who introduced the concept to the thread. I'm not claiming that she "wanted to" or "was going to", but she did bring it up as a significant part of her options.

 

True. Like I said, I didn't remember.

 

But I did advocate her telling the W.

 

Yet, now some are saying that the W knowing is going to end up badly for her. Being pregnant by a married man is where the problem started, not his W knowing. But his W will know soon enough, that's certain.

[whimsical_memory]

True. Like I said, I didn't remember.

 

But I did advocate her telling the W.

 

Yet, now some are saying that the W knowing is going to end up badly for her. Being pregnant by a married man is where the problem started, not his W knowing. But his W will know soon enough, that's certain.

 

 

She's pregnant by a married man. Seems to me that things have already ended pretty badly for her!

[Trimmer]

True. Like I said, I didn't remember.

 

But I did advocate her telling the W.

 

Yet, now some are saying that the W knowing is going to end up badly for her. Being pregnant by a married man is where the problem started, not his W knowing. But his W will know soon enough, that's certain.

Yeah, I have to think that the way she finds out - which may factor into her devastation in some fashion - is still going to be a small part of the overall trauma that is bearing down on her at this very moment. That load of bricks is going to hit her eventually, one way or the other.

[LaGazelle]

I want to clarify something again, because it is pertinent to the thread and to the original post, and I think some posters are getting the wrong idea that she promised "NSA Sex" and he took that to release him from any responsibility for the consequences:

 

It wasn't NSA sex she promised - or at least that's not the most important point - it was walking away from her and the baby and her decision to keep it that they agreed to, and she offered "no strings attached." Check post #1 for that.

 

 

 

Trimmer, I based my comment re NSA sex on the following excerpt and subsequent similar slips in Destie's post:

 

"Even though I am in love with him I never expected him to leave his wife or for us to be together. I loved the time we did have but I also enjoyed my freedom."

 

Sorry if I misunderstood, but I took that to mean she was in a relationship where she offered NSA sex, albeit on an ongoing basis. Whenever she did ask for anything remotely resembling a commitment either to her or to her unborn child, MM ran for the hills. In order to get him to show his face again, Destie had to offer to put up with a "relationship" which included sex or the possibility of sex but no commitment or responsibility on his part. That sounds very much like NSA sex.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer, I based my comment re NSA sex on the following excerpt and subsequent similar slips in Destie's post:

 

"Even though I am in love with him I never expected him to leave his wife or for us to be together. I loved the time we did have but I also enjoyed my freedom."

 

Sorry if I misunderstood, but I took that to mean she was in a relationship where she offered NSA sex, albeit on an ongoing basis. Whenever she did ask for anything remotely resembling a commitment either to her or to her unborn child, MM ran for the hills. In order to get him to show his face again, Destie had to offer to put up with a "relationship" which included sex or the possibility of sex but no commitment or responsibility on his part. That sounds very much like NSA sex.

I hear you, and yes, that was an element of their relationship before the pregnancy. I didn't mean to negate your point, but I just wanted to clarify that the whole "but she made an agreement!" discussion is not happening because he somehow took "NSA sex" to mean he had no responsibility for an unexpected pregnancy - the "walk away with no strings attached" agreement happened in the context of them both already knowing about the pregnancy and her decision to keep it and care for it, and with that on the table and understood between them, she told him he could walk...

 

But I agree with you - he is willing to be around more when it is no-strings-attached, and runs from any responsibility. But yeah, it's an affair with a MM, is this a big shocker?

[fooled once]

I don't recall DESTIE ever saying that she actually wanted to contact his W. So in her defense, she didn't suggest this. I did. I made an argument for contacting the W so at least the W can protect herself and her child as best and as legally as she can before this child is born. Anything after that screws his W and child for the next 18 years.

 

Sorry for any confusion.

 

Yes she did - Check out my post #285 -- I summarized it there.

[fooled once]

I really think we ALL are in agreement that "if you play, you pay" sorta mentality.

 

BUT, I don't think he has to have his entire check made payable to Desti.

 

Let's remember too -- HE isn't the only one financially responsible for the child.

 

And most courts WILL take into account the fact that he has a child already.

 

They MAY look at the fact that an out of court arrangement was made with the other father and they may decide to change that to a court decision.

 

Who knows with courts -- it is a gamble.

 

MY only thought is this child is going to be used as a pawn since Destie DOES want the love and attention of the MM.

 

And no child should be a pawn.

 

Most mothers come to love their unborn child MUCH more quickly than a father does - because obviously mom carries the child and bonds with it. The dad bonds with the child AFTER it has been born. Read any article and/or book about pregnancy -- many men feel left out because of the attention the new mom gives to the unborn/newborn child. MOST men will admit to not forming any sort of bond with the child until birth and sometimes, not until a baby is more than a blob that just eats, sleeps, poops and pees My ex didn't form any attachment to our son for the first 4-6 months. It is NORMAL.

 

And since she flip flops on what she wants, he UNDERSTANDABLY should be given time to adjust and figure out what he wants. I don't get the whole "condemn him because he isn't on the bandwagon right now" stuff. Hell, she didn't know what she wanted so how can HE know and he isn't carrying the kid. He sees the child as an intrusion into his life -- understandably. He didn't want the child. HE MAY CHANGE HIS MIND. How about the benefit of the doubt for him?

 

And his wife may be fine with it. I will bet that IF the wife is fine with it and accepts this child and the MM and his wife go for joint custody, Destie will NOT be fine with it. I mean; not only will she "lose" the man she loves, but she will also have to share her child with the woman who "won" this man.

 

Morally, he doesn't have to "accept" this child. All he HAS to do is financially provide for the child.

[NoIDidn't]

I really think we ALL are in agreement that "if you play, you pay" sorta mentality.

 

BUT, I don't think he has to have his entire check made payable to Desti.

 

Let's remember too -- HE isn't the only one financially responsible for the child.

 

And most courts WILL take into account the fact that he has a child already.

 

They MAY look at the fact that an out of court arrangement was made with the other father and they may decide to change that to a court decision.

 

Who knows with courts -- it is a gamble.

 

 

 

Agreed. Speaking only about the legal part of this. I have friends who were ordered to pay the max just because it seemed that the judge didn't like them. My own father was ordered to pay the minimum even though he clearly should have been made to pay the maximum but he claimed he had to take care of his new W's three other kids (and a new one he added - and then promptly kicked two of the three out - GRRRRRR!!!).

 

So its not a certainly that the W and child may suffer all that much. Especially if they get a judge that takes pity on the MM and doesn't order that much. The amounts of CS are just guidelines.

 

But I totally disagree with the courts awarding an otherwise poor woman, $5000+ of a rich man's money just because they had a baby together. I think that is ridiculous. Not that this is what is going to happen in this case. I just hate seeing those judgments come through because all it does is create an entitled woman living off of child support for 18 years.

[NoIDidn't]

Most mothers come to love their unborn child MUCH more quickly than a father does - because obviously mom carries the child and bonds with it. The dad bonds with the child AFTER it has been born. Read any article and/or book about pregnancy -- many men feel left out because of the attention the new mom gives to the unborn/newborn child. MOST men will admit to not forming any sort of bond with the child until birth and sometimes, not until a baby is more than a blob that just eats, sleeps, poops and pees My ex didn't form any attachment to our son for the first 4-6 months. It is NORMAL..

 

 

Normal for some, maybe. My H bonded with EACH of our children while I was still pregnant with them. He felt the babies kick him in the back while we slept. My babies all moved to the sound of his voice, practically following him around a room by moving in the direction of his voice.

 

After the children were born only deepened his bond to them.

 

I must really be blessed in this regard. My children were so well bonded to my H, that I could sleep while he kept them until the next feeding as early as one week after they were born.

 

Men can and do form bonds with babies before they are born. Especially when they live with the mother and are looking forward to being fathers.

[herenow]

I advocate not telling the W.

 

Why?

 

For the opposite reason that posters are advocating FOR it.

 

The OP is the one here posting for advice, not the BS. In the best interest of the OP she should keep her mouth shut and NC.

 

This isn't a game, this is the OP's and her baby's life. If the OP doesn't look after both their interests, they will get NOTHING if it's up to the MM.

 

But she did ask for opinions from BW so that is what she is getting. And you are right, it isn't a game.

[herenow]

So what if the money has to come from somewhere? And that somewhere happens to be ONE of MM's pockets? (since Destie will be paying half to support this baby of theirs). Destie's other two children will have far less money available to them if their single mother has to raise this new baby all on her own... right? Are those kids worth any less than MM's ONE child (not 'children' as you keep saying... he only has one with W, Destie is having a third child on her single parent income... )

 

I think a BW would disagree if she were the one who's pocket the money was coming from. Why should the BW care about Destie and her children? IMO, the BW should only care about her own children because she owes nothing to Destie and everything to her own flesh and blood. Just like Destie didn't care about the BW and her kids while she was having sex with their father.

 

If Destie wants to go after the MM for child support, great. But the BW deserves as much alimony and child support as she needs to live the lifestyle they are accustom to. Most judges will agree and they will set CS for Destie's child based on what is left of the MM's salary. And to answer your question: Yes! To the BW Destie's child should most definitely be worth less than her own. As a matter of fact, Destie's child should mean absolutely nothing but a good reason to get a divorce.

[whichwayisup]

Are those kids worth any less than MM's ONE child

 

Uhh, MM is NOT responsible for paying out $$ for her two other kids. Destie has an ex that could help out financially for her two other kids.