Pregnant by MM

[complicatedlife]

I just have to say that I have never in my life - and I am no baby - ever come across a set of people who are so condescending, judgmental, and non-compassionate.

 

This woman came here asking a set of questions - acknowledging that what they did was wrong and that it wasn't the best situation - and in addition to answering her questions, she was met with nothing but fire and brimstone thrown her way.

 

Why do some of you do that to people? I was so upset reading this thread yesterday, I had to call a girlfriend to calm me down and remind me that it's a forum, I don't know these people, don't take it so personally. While I know that all of the aforementioned is true, it has shown me how completely selfish this world has become since I was a little girl; everything is about me, me, me.

 

From the comment of "bastard child" to the comments on (I am summarizing here) "I could care less about that child" or some variation of, my God, we are talking about an innocent child. Whether or not the OP and MM did or did not use a condom, whether or not he wants the child, the child is going to be here in a few months and is a HUMAN BEING that is completely INNOCENT in this situation. The crass remarks that have been made in regards to this said child made me physically sick. Especially the things some of the mothers were saying.

 

I am appalled at the way some women are treated when they come here.

[2sure]

In NY - if the child or mother are on any state assistance the father has to be listed and the court will go after acknowledgment and support without the mothers consent. I am sure there are ways to not name a father but thats for people who are pros at beating the system. If there is another person willing to adopt or legally claim paternity of the child, the state will be fine with that. Also, if the mother is not receiving any assistance the state isnt involved and she can do what she wants if the father doesnt show up and file.

[herenow]

Now, of course the MM's W is NOT going to love her H's child born out of an affair.. But... if she had any compassion, any morals, any feelings as a human being, she would UNDERSTAND that her H should take care of the child's financial needs (well, at least half of the needs, since Destie can provide the other half). Anyway, come on, it's not like MM will be paying so much that his wife and child will go without food themselves... dammit, I bet they don't even feel the CS amount... and by the time the 'baby' goes to college, the MM's older child will be a self-supporting fully fledged adult by then.

 

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I certainly didn't say that the MM shouldn't take care of his mistake. I said that it's not the BW's problem and she should do whatever it takes to make sure her and her child are taken care of.

 

The question I have for you is: Why is the BW held to a higher standard of compassion, morals, and feelings as a human being than Destie or the MM are? Did Destie think about the well being of the BW and her child when she was having sex with the MM? It's ridiculous to insult the morality of a BW on a thread about an OW getting pregnant by a MM who cheated on his wife. I think you are pointing the finger in the wrong direction. IMO, it's the MM and OW who you should be questioning about such things.

 

Anyway, I have too much work today to spend a lot of time here, so I hope you all have a great day!

[2sure]

Complicated -

 

I really wanted to think about your post and look into myself because although I really dont think it was reflected in my response , I do have animosity when OW gets pregnant with MM.

 

But its not because she is OW and not because he is MM.

 

Its because I'm a mother. I have been a single mother. Its hard, you are stretched so thin your family suffers. Period.

 

Birth Control if taken properly is something like 98% effective. Getting pregnant is a choice. Not being careful is a choice. Sure, you can miss a day , screw up your calendar, have its effectiveness affected by other medication ...98%.

 

When an already single mother...who knows all of the risks and is aware that the children she already has will make the sacrifice with her...

When she makes the choice to get pregnant with a man who is unavailable to be a father...yes, I have some animosity.

 

Like I said, accidents happen. Married women and single women sometimes fall into that 98%. But a single mother having sex with a MM or otherwise unavailable potential father uses even more care...or chooses not to. All of the OW on here who got pregnant during an affair amazingly fall into that 98% . Right. Its a choice. This woman made this choice for herself and her children. And thats frustrating.

 

But yes, the facts are now the facts. That is in the past. What to do now is the question.

[PhoenixRise]

Yes... so what!

 

I completely accept my H's child as having a right to my H's money to take care of her while she was growing up (she's now 27). I happened to love her because I loved my H, and naturally extended it to her. And as a sibling of my own children. I don't particularly like her mother, because of who she is, but that never affected the way I treated my H's child.

 

Now, of course the MM's W is NOT going to love her H's child born out of an affair.. But... if she had any compassion, any morals, any feelings as a human being, she would UNDERSTAND that her H should take care of the child's financial needs (well, at least half of the needs, since Destie can provide the other half). Anyway, come on, it's not like MM will be paying so much that his wife and child will go without food themselves... dammit, I bet they don't even feel the CS amount... and by the time the 'baby' goes to college, the MM's older child will be a self-supporting fully fledged adult by then.

 

Accidents happen, $hit happens, surprises happen... we as people must learn to take any new circumstances in our stride. MM's wifey and child will learn to adapt with MM's new child, and the 'sharing' of the money MM makes.

 

 

Athena

 

In your situation you went in with your eyes wide open knowing that there was ALREADY a child from a previous marriage. You already knew there was a child outside your marriage who needed to be cared for and you opened your heart to that child before you married your husband.

 

In this situation, this is a child born from an affair. It is a whole different dynamic. Who knows, the wife in this case if she decides to try to save her marraige may come to accept the child as part of the family. My mother accepted my half siblings (all products of my father's affairs) in to our home for visits even after she left the marriage.

 

I think that for me, the H/MM's responsiblity to the child with the OW is a completely seperate issue and not at all connected to what I as a mother would do to protect the interest of my OWN child.

 

Personally, I would respect the MM/H more if he showed that he had enough integrity to take care of his responsibilities regardless of whether he wanted to be in a relationship with the OW or not. But if I was the wife it this situation, even as I would respect his desire to step up, I would also be taking all necessary steps to protect my own child first.

[LaGazelle]

I suppose I'm naive in that I will never understand why there is a choice for such destruction in one's own life and the lives of others. Voluntarily. Almost willfully bent on destruction.

 

Who hasn't been in love? But what baffles me is why the hooks and claws to get it at any price... when it is available to everyone without the drama and destruction. There are many single men and women out there available for sincere relationships... however I guess without the drama of tearing something else down the excitement is simply not the same. I don't think I could personally live with myself knowing that I caused such pain intentionally.

 

Gamine Dear, I thought the same in the initial aftermath of my H's dalliance, and the wilfulness of the ONS woman involved. Then I came across some of the OW perspectives here which seem not-so-unusual afterall. I never really knew that soooo many people exist who willfully desire to cause pain and destruction in others' lives, feel so triumphant when they think they are achieving their cruel goal, and expect to receive compassion, empathy, respect, goodwill etc - the very things they withheld from another human being.

 

One thing that really opened my eyes were the "Mate Poaching" studies available on the web. I think it is no coincidence that Destie is a single mother already, as much as I feel for her plight, this is just another case of "misery has no pleasure like company". More often than not, those who are hurting choose the easy route of hurting another to boost their own egos, rather than investing in the hard work of soul searching and trauma recovery.

 

Anyway, you are absolutely not naive - your post reflects the wisdom and insight which so many here could use more of!

[LaGazelle]

Gamine I just love your mind. I feel the exact same way. I just couldn't live with myself bringing this type of destruction into the lives of his wife, kids, my children and this new baby girl.

 

We've all found someone else's spouse attractive for a number of reasons, however to not know where to draw the line and to just say "He chased me until I was caught" is bulls--t! If you had put him in his place (the right way) when he first approached you inappropriately he would have never bothered you again. So, I don't fall for that I tried to leave him alone bullcrap.

 

I think Destie is upset because even though MM and her made the "promise" not to get pregnant, when she did and wanted to keep the baby it was clear to her where she really stood in this man's life. It hurt that he didn't want their child but his with his wife. I understand the pain Destie must feel but she chose this path and rather than keep her word she rather watch the lives of innocent victims crumble.

 

Well, as much as I sympathise with Destie, or rather the innocent child being brought into this shambles, it must have been clear to Destie exactly where she stood. In fact she mentions this in her OP. Every time she intimated anything besides NSA sex, MM ran for the hills....or rather to his wife!

 

The only times she was able to have his attention were those when she committed to a dalliance that required no commitment or responsibility from MM. Perhaps she figured having a child would invoke a sense of responsibility in MM or at the very least establish a lifelong bond or commitment of sorts. Destie took a gamble, and you know what sometimes happens to those who gamble...they don't always win.

 

I just hope the child will be appropriately provided for from some source or another, and does not have to suffer from Destie's risk-taking.

[noreply110]

I am going to respond to the OP as a BS.

 

Please allow the husband to tell his wife. Protect your unborn child by contacting a lawyer now, and finding out exactly what you are suppose to do to make sure your child is okay.

 

As for you telling your MM that you would abort. I don't care. I don't think it has anything to do with anything. Anyone with a 5th grade education is aware that having sex makes babies. Unless that man saw you take your BC everyday at the same time, it was HIS responsiblity to protect his family. He did not do that.

 

My husband had sex with another woman. She knew he was married. Yet, I think it was HIS responsiblity to protect his family, and he choose not to do that. I was very angry at the OW for awhile. But then I saw the lies he told her, the promises he made, the fantasy world she was given. And I realized that she was doing was desperatly trying to make that world permant, she believed him, as I did.

 

And when he left her to work on our marriage, I saw how she tried to hurt me, how it was my fault, just like I had blamed her for the breakdown of my marriage. I assume you thought he would forgive you for not aborting, that he would come to your side and you would live a happy little life. And now that he isn't, you want to force his hand, by telling his wife. Stop it.

 

In this case You are wrong. and He is wrong. You both made horrible, selfish decisions with no regard to those around you. Its time you pulled yourself up, and stopped thinking of only yourself. Protect this child, and the one's you already have. Contact a lawyer, cut the contact from your MM and work on what it is that drives you to make horrible decisions for your family. You are going to have three little babies staring at you, looking for guidence. Figure out exactly what you want them to learn from you. Because they pick up everything.

 

Good Luck.

[Athena]

I am going to respond to the OP as a BS.

 

Please allow the husband to tell his wife. Protect your unborn child by contacting a lawyer now, and finding out exactly what you are suppose to do to make sure your child is okay.

 

As for you telling your MM that you would abort. I don't care. I don't think it has anything to do with anything. Anyone with a 5th grade education is aware that having sex makes babies. Unless that man saw you take your BC everyday at the same time, it was HIS responsiblity to protect his family. He did not do that.

 

My husband had sex with another woman. She knew he was married. Yet, I think it was HIS responsiblity to protect his family, and he choose not to do that. I was very angry at the OW for awhile. But then I saw the lies he told her, the promises he made, the fantasy world she was given. And I realized that she was doing was desperatly trying to make that world permant, she believed him, as I did.

 

And when he left her to work on our marriage, I saw how she tried to hurt me, how it was my fault, just like I had blamed her for the breakdown of my marriage. I assume you thought he would forgive you for not aborting, that he would come to your side and you would live a happy little life. And now that he isn't, you want to force his hand, by telling his wife. Stop it.

 

In this case You are wrong. and He is wrong. You both made horrible, selfish decisions with no regard to those around you. Its time you pulled yourself up, and stopped thinking of only yourself. Protect this child, and the one's you already have. Contact a lawyer, cut the contact from your MM and work on what it is that drives you to make horrible decisions for your family. You are going to have three little babies staring at you, looking for guidence. Figure out exactly what you want them to learn from you. Because they pick up everything.

 

Good Luck.

 

A great post. I admire how you have 'wrapped' your head around your situation where you can understand the OW's point of view, as well as honestly see what your own H is responsible for, for leading OW on. I too, at first was angry with OW but realized that my H was enticing them, making them feel special, and entrapping them with lots of gentlemanly ways, attention, advice, buying of dinners, etc etc... the affairs didn't happen in a vacuum -- my H was all for it. Then he actually shared his knowledge about how to 'get' an OW interested in him by appearing to be completely NOT interested in them sexually at all.... his little 'tricks'... so I blame him.

[fooled once]

I don't think a single person doesn't doubt that many OW are fed so much crap by these MM. I would bet 10000% that no married man who is cheating tells the one who is cheating with that his wife is the best lover in the world, that he adores his wife, loves the time with her, can't image being without her.

 

THESE MEN LIE.

 

They make their wives out to be evil, hateful, vengeful, sexless creatures that no one would want to be around.

 

These OW buy into all this crap. For some reason, she can't realize that an honorable man wouldn't sneak around on his wife, wouldn't disrespect her, wouldn't honor his vows to her.

 

These women can't see that these are NOT the types of men they should be around. These aren't the types of men who their children should be around.

 

But they buy into the lies. They enjoy the thrill of sneaking around. They love knowing how they can make these men happier than their mean horrible wives. They want to be better than her and from what they hear from these cheating pigs, it shouldn't be hard. It is the thrill of the competition.

 

So, when many OW are hurt, they have no one to blame except themselves for believing these lies. They have no one to blame but themselves because they chose not to say NO to these men. They choose to share their bodies with these men. They chose to expose their bodies to STD's and pregnancy. That is on THEM.

 

But the baby isn't to blame. The baby is innocent; just like the betrayed wife. Neither had a say so in what the OW and the MM chose to do.

 

The BW isn't to blame when the husband cheats -- no matter what anyone says. There may have been problems in her marriage ~ ones she knew about and maybe ones she didn't know about. She can't be blamed because her husband took the coward, immature, irresponsible way out of a problem. Instead of suggesting counseling, actually talking to his wife, putting effort into the marriage, etc. he chose to go screw someone else.

 

The innocent baby in THIS situation. This baby has a good possibility of growing up not knowing her father. She has a good possibility of knowing her father is alive and well, just wants nothing to do with her.

 

The MM's child will not know his/her sister. IF the child does know about his/her sister, he/she may hate the sister because of what her mother did (children usually can't process it all). The child will feel like "if SHE hadn't been born, mom and dad wouldn't have divorced/wouldn't fight all the time, etc."

 

No one knows how the wife will react. She just may accept this. She may love her husband enough to forgive him. That doesn't mean she is in any way responsible for her husband's actions towards the child. It isn't her concern. Her concern is her child and her marriage.

 

Comparing a step child to an affair child is like comparing apples and bananas. When you marry someone with a child - you KNOW about the child ahead of time. You know he pays child support (I know many women who bitch and moan about their H paying child support when they knew FULL WELL when dating him the had to pay that bill). And that is what c/s is - a bill. No different than a mortgage or a car note. C/S eventually ends.

 

Being a parent doesn't end.

 

Desti had an affair with a married man and while she used birth control, she didn't take ALL the necessary steps to protect her body -- not from a pregnancy NOR an STD.

 

She knew there was the possibility of a pregnancy. There is that possibilty every time someone has sex. She chose to take a risk.

 

She got pregnant.

 

She can't expect the MM to be gleeful about it. Especially after she changed her mind about the abortion. Doesn't make him a heartless prick because he isn't doing a happy dance.

 

He will have to pay his portion of the child's expenses for 18 years. He has to suck that up. Unless they can come to some sort of out of court agreement, a judge will decide his portion. We don't know how much he makes so we have no idea how much of a dent in his pocket it will be. Could be equivalent to a car payment. We don't know.

 

I do agree that I think Desti had hoped this baby would be something that she could 'have' to make the MM love just her and want a life with her. Unfortunately, it has done the exact opposite.

 

Desti is hurting. The MM is hurting. The wife will definitely hurt. The child will hurt. The MM's child will hurt (if he/she ever finds out about the sibling). Desti's children will hurt because mom won't have as much time for them once the baby gets here (which is normal that mom is more busy with the baby). Money may be tight - anyone with kids knows they cost money.

 

IF the MM does come around and wants to be in his child's life, that will extend Desti's hurting knowing he wants the child, but not her.

 

Many men do NOT bond with the child until the baby is here. And a MM definitely won't be bonding with the baby of his mistress because more than likely, he isn't around enough TO bond. LOL

 

Yes, many men do bond during a pregnancy, but many don't. Doesn't mean one is better than the other -- it is just what happens. Like morning sickness; some have it - some don't.

 

Yes Desti changed her mind. Woman's perogative and all. But that doesn't mean the MM has to change his mind.

 

I DO feel sorry for men who get 'saddled' with an unwanted child and end up paying for them for 18 years. It is 'unfair' that a woman gets to make that choice (to have the child or not) and the man doesn't. Then again, the man doesn't have to carry the child LOL

 

And women have been known to abort when the father doesn't want it. Just sucks all around. But that is biology.

 

I don't see Desti as the "poor single mom" and I despise when women use this as an excuse. Desti chose to not have the father of the other two go through the courts system to ensure he is paying adequately for his 2 other children. She chose to "give him a break". Hopefully, she extends that same courtesy to the MM. Heck, the father of the other 2 should be paying double what the MM should pay since he has 2 kids vs the 1 the MM has with Desti.

 

So to wrap up this long post LOL

 

The only innocents here are the children and the BW. Desti brought this on herself by sleeping with a married man and not adequately protecting HER body and the MM loses by now really having to come clean to his wife about what he has been doing.

[DESTIE]

I am going to respond to the OP as a BS.

 

Please allow the husband to tell his wife. Protect your unborn child by contacting a lawyer now, and finding out exactly what you are suppose to do to make sure your child is okay.

 

As for you telling your MM that you would abort. I don't care. I don't think it has anything to do with anything. Anyone with a 5th grade education is aware that having sex makes babies. Unless that man saw you take your BC everyday at the same time, it was HIS responsiblity to protect his family. He did not do that.

 

My husband had sex with another woman. She knew he was married. Yet, I think it was HIS responsiblity to protect his family, and he choose not to do that. I was very angry at the OW for awhile. But then I saw the lies he told her, the promises he made, the fantasy world she was given. And I realized that she was doing was desperatly trying to make that world permant, she believed him, as I did.

 

And when he left her to work on our marriage, I saw how she tried to hurt me, how it was my fault, just like I had blamed her for the breakdown of my marriage. I assume you thought he would forgive you for not aborting, that he would come to your side and you would live a happy little life. And now that he isn't, you want to force his hand, by telling his wife. Stop it.

 

In this case You are wrong. and He is wrong. You both made horrible, selfish decisions with no regard to those around you. Its time you pulled yourself up, and stopped thinking of only yourself. Protect this child, and the one's you already have. Contact a lawyer, cut the contact from your MM and work on what it is that drives you to make horrible decisions for your family. You are going to have three little babies staring at you, looking for guidence. Figure out exactly what you want them to learn from you. Because they pick up everything.

 

Good Luck.

 

I was never going to respond to another post regarding this but I had to say thank you. This is exactly what I was looking for in my OP. I came here to get the opinions of others b/c all I had to go based on so far was the opinions of people who are biased to me.

 

I know that everyone has their assumptions of what I expected from this man as far as relationship goes but they are all wrong. Him and I started out as a very casual thing. We became really good friends and then that friendship turned into love. But my friendship to him meant more than anything else. Thats why I initially gave him the option of walking away. I didn't and don't want to ruin his home. However many of my friends advised me I need to tell the wife (as many posters here have also suggested). So, I thank you again. I will not go to his wife, that is not my place. And regardless of what he decides to do as far as our daughter goes I will love her enough for the both of us.

[complicatedlife]

 

Complicated -

 

Its because I'm a mother. I have been single mother. Its hard, you are stretched so thin your family suffers. Period.

 

I can see that being a single mom is hard - I have girlfriends who are single mothers and they make it APPEAR easy - but they will be the first to say it is not, and tell you how hard it really is.

 

 

Birth Control if taken properly is something like 98% effective. Getting pregnant is a choice. Not being careful is a choice. Sure, you can miss a day , screw up your calendar, have its effectiveness affected by other medication ...98%.

 

Not to be a stickler. but believe it or not, that 2% DOES exist. I have had patients who repeatedly have gotten pregnant on the pill - not many, but it's happened; some women are resistant to it, even when doing it the exact way they are supposed to. However, if she was an OW and was on the pill and used a condom and the condom broke (yeah, they break!), I would bet my paycheck that there would STILL be people here swooping down on the OW.

 

 

 

Like I said, accidents happen. Married women and single women sometimes fall into that 98%. But a single mother having sex with a MM or otherwise unavailable potential father uses even more care...or chooses not to. All of the OW on here who got pregnant during an affair amazingly fall into that 98% . Right. Its a choice. This woman made this choice for herself and her children. And thats frustrating.

 

Oh, I wholeheartedly agree with this. That would NEVER have happened in my case, even though I know that if it HAD happened by some unforeseen measure, I probably would not have chosen the abortion route because I am just too darn old, too financially secure, to justify a reason to have one (I also think of "life" in so much of a spiritual way that I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror)- it would be hard, but I am in a place where I really COULD do it on my own without any help or expectations from my former MM; I would just deal.

 

 

But yes, the facts are now the facts. That is in the past. What to do now is the question.

 

This is also what I was trying to say - the deed had already been done; why beat HER like she's a dead horse with the extra morality comments and ethical committee casting judgment on what she should or should not have done? You move on from that and deal with the situation as best you can. That baby is coming - somebody needs to prepare for her.

[Gamine]

I just have to say that I have never in my life - and I am no baby - ever come across a set of people who are so condescending, judgmental, and non-compassionate.

 

This woman came here asking a set of questions - acknowledging that what they did was wrong and that it wasn't the best situation - and in addition to answering her questions, she was met with nothing but fire and brimstone thrown her way.

 

Why do some of you do that to people? I was so upset reading this thread yesterday, I had to call a girlfriend to calm me down and remind me that it's a forum, I don't know these people, don't take it so personally. While I know that all of the aforementioned is true, it has shown me how completely selfish this world has become since I was a little girl; everything is about me, me, me.

 

From the comment of "bastard child" to the comments on (I am summarizing here) "I could care less about that child" or some variation of, my God, we are talking about an innocent child. Whether or not the OP and MM did or did not use a condom, whether or not he wants the child, the child is going to be here in a few months and is a HUMAN BEING that is completely INNOCENT in this situation. The crass remarks that have been made in regards to this said child made me physically sick. Especially the things some of the mothers were saying.

 

I am appalled at the way some women are treated when they come here.

 

 

The OP came looking for advice on how her 'boyfriend's' wife should find out about the child. She gave a few options. None of these options showed personal responsibility or her responsibility as a mother to the two children she has already given life to.

 

You are correct that she has not received hand holding to comfort her through her journey of how she intends to blow up the lives of her boyfriend, his wife and his child. Nor should she receive it.

 

The child is the child and no one can fault the child for the mother's wrongdoings. Having said that, both the mother and father have responsibilities to the yet unborn daughter. Unfortunately, it seems that the financial concerns may in fact be the only one she will resolve, however that will be accomplished through child support. Sadly there are a litany of needs this child will have that may most likely go unmet.

 

I don't think there is anyone here who doesn't care about the baby. Perhaps some are wondering if Destie genuinely does. Hence the admonishment.

[complicatedlife]

The OP came looking for advice on how her 'boyfriend's' wife should find out about the child.

What I read in post #1 was that she wanted to know if she SHOULD tell the wife.

 

 

You are correct that she has not received hand holding to comfort her through her journey of how she intends to blow up the lives of her boyfriend, his wife and his child. Nor should she receive it.

Never once in my post did I mention that she should be hand-held; she's an adult, I'm sure she can stand on her own. Her MM blew up his family's life, not Destie. Just like it's not the BW's responsibility to be concerned about Destie or her child, it is not Destie's responsibility to be concerned about MM's family; it was HIS responsibility. So again, the MM blew it up. My point is this: why can't people answer questions without being condescending - is it THAT difficult? Geesh - being on the debate team must have stuck with me - I can give my opinion and suggestion without belittling someone.

 

 

I don't think there is anyone here who doesn't care about the baby. Perhaps some are wondering if Destie genuinely does. Hence the admonishment.

You need to read the posts again - I beg to differ. I'd be a nit-picker and pull out some comments and stick them in here, but I'm not the type to nit-pick. However, to recap, the child has been referred to as a bastard, and some mothers have openly said that they don't care about the child. There is barely any compassion left in this world, of this I am convinced.

[whichwayisup]

I was never going to respond to another post regarding this but I had to say thank you. This is exactly what I was looking for in my OP. I came here to get the opinions of others b/c all I had to go based on so far was the opinions of people who are biased to me.

 

I agree it was a great post reply, but honestly, many others gave you the exact same advice (different wording) and done respectfully as well.

 

Anyway, good luck and I hope you focus on your pregnancy and enjoy it. Don't get too stressed out.

[Athena]

I don't think a single person doesn't doubt that many OW are fed so much crap by these MM. I would bet 10000% that no married man who is cheating tells the one who is cheating with that his wife is the best lover in the world, that he adores his wife, loves the time with her, can't image being without her.

 

THESE MEN LIE.

 

They make their wives out to be evil, hateful, vengeful, sexless creatures that no one would want to be around.

 

Ouch! I am a BS and obviously in a category that you don't believe exists - my H tells all the OW that he LOVES me, admires me, and never wants to leave me! And the OW eat it all up, because his technique, it appears, is to showcase all his wonderful 'mate' and 'husbandly' qualities to a potential OW by putting me on a pedestal, and then.....the woman will 'get' that my H is not 'after' them... so they relax, enjoy his charming company, and guess what? They are completely taken with him because he really is a good listener, he offers such good advice, he becomes so one-on-one with giving them admiration, affection, and a lot of time, and finally, the poor woman falls for him, and when things get physical between them, she is somewhat 'honored' that this fiercely loyal and loving H (to me) will actually have his head turned for THEM! What a compliment! And they think he is wonderful, and they assume that they must truly be thought of as very, very special for my H to 'fall' for them since he constantly sings my praises as his wife!

I tell you, perhaps this technique is unusual, but it has worked for my H... and all he has to do to get out of that affair scott-free is to Suddenly 'grow a conscience' about what he's done to his wonderful wife by having an affair with that woman... and she lets him go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

These OW buy into all this crap. For some reason, she can't realize that an honorable man wouldn't sneak around on his wife, wouldn't disrespect her, wouldn't honor his vows to her.

She is made to believe that her natural charms won this poor married man over to have an affair with her, despite his dislike of cheating on his wonderful wife!

It's all a con. He is a con man. I am sure there are plenty of MM who do talk badly about their wives, but surely my H is not the only one to use this technique? grr... and the thing is, he and I did love each other, we did have a great sex together... is he an anomaly here?!

I recently spoke to his second-to-last OW on the phone -- I found her number on his foreign cell phone... she told me outright that my H LOVED ME SO! He is not lying when he tells me that he boasts about having a wonderful wife! Pity, what line is he gonna use when he is a twice-divorced man? And he will no longer have his Escape handy -- if he is a divorcee, it means he is a single man, and then he will have to go through a nasty and messy withdrawal of his new R's...

 

 

 

Desti is hurting. The MM is hurting. The wife will definitely hurt. The child will hurt. The MM's child will hurt (if he/she ever finds out about the sibling). Desti's children will hurt because mom won't have as much time for them once the baby gets here (which is normal that mom is more busy with the baby).

Wow. What a mess. Just Hurt all around for everyone, for a very, very long time. There are no winners with Affairs.

[DESTIE]

I agree it was a great post reply, but honestly, many others gave you the exact same advice (different wording) and done respectfully as well.

 

Anyway, good luck and I hope you focus on your pregnancy and enjoy it. Don't get too stressed out.

 

I'm sorry I thought she was the first one to post a respectful response as the W. The only reason why I resonded, but I appreciate all the great advice I was given.

[herenow]

[quote

You need to read the posts again - I beg to differ. I'd be a nit-picker and pull out some comments and stick them in here, but I'm not the type to nit-pick. However, to recap, the child has been referred to as a bastard, and some mothers have openly said that they don't care about the child. There is barely any compassion left in this world, of this I am convinced.

 

Not sure if you are referring to me, but f you are I need to be clear on what I said.

 

I said that the BW shouldn't have to worry or care about Destie or her kids. They are not the BW's problem. IMO, the BW should place her own family above Destie's family.

 

If the BW doesn't make sure she and her kids are taken care of, who will? Certainly not Destie. If you want to question compassion, you should be talking to Destie and the MM. Were they thinking about what was best for the BW and her child while having sex? I think not.

 

Also, I did say that the MM should own up to his mistake and take responsibility. I also said that I feel very sorry for all the innocent people including the poor child being brought into this world by two selfish people. I have tremendous compassion for the innocent in this tragic story. But, what you say is true, I don't enough compassion for Destie, so you got me.

[Gamine]

What I read in post #1 was that she wanted to know if she SHOULD tell the wife.

 

 

 

Never once in my post did I mention that she should be hand-held; she's an adult, I'm sure she can stand on her own. Her MM blew up his family's life, not Destie. Just like it's not the BW's responsibility to be concerned about Destie or her child, it is not Destie's responsibility to be concerned about MM's family; it was HIS responsibility. So again, the MM blew it up. My point is this: why can't people answer questions without being condescending - is it THAT difficult? Geesh - being on the debate team must have stuck with me - I can give my opinion and suggestion without belittling someone.

 

 

 

You need to read the posts again - I beg to differ. I'd be a nit-picker and pull out some comments and stick them in here, but I'm not the type to nit-pick. However, to recap, the child has been referred to as a bastard, and some mothers have openly said that they don't care about the child. There is barely any compassion left in this world, of this I am convinced.

 

 

On the contrary. There is much compassion. However compassion is not agreement. Compassion is empathy and best understood as the 'Golden Rule', do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

 

We differ where it concerns responsibility. Destie, as all people, do have accountability and responsibility for their actions and the outcome of their actions in the lives of others. We all owe one another thoughtful consideration.

 

However, this was sorely lacking in Destie's choices. She does have a non-dischargeable obligation to consider how her choices impact others... as we all do. His family should have been as much her concern as it was for the MM involved. That would have been the compassionate and responsible thing to do. We cannot dissect life into nice tidy neat packages and draw lines in the sand concerning the sphere of who we should be concerned with and who we should not. If our decisions affect others then others should be considered in our choices. And yes, his wife was her responsibility and yes... she did blow the marriage up hand in hand with her married boyfriend. And if compassion and respect are what Destie was after that should have been something she offered others.

[complicatedlife]

Also, I did say that the MM should own up to his mistake and take responsibility. I also said that I feel very sorry for all the innocent people including the poor child being brought into this world by two selfish people. I have tremendous compassion for the innocent in this tragic story. But, what you say is true, I don't enough compassion for Destie, so you got me.

 

I'm glad to hear you say this - we are not on a different page as far as the child. I want to be clear: when I spoke of compassion, that part of my thread was for the unborn child. When I spoke of being judgmental, condescending, etc., that was when I was speaking of Destie. Some may not agree with or have any appreciation for what she has "done", but that doesn't mean that we can't be tactful when we disagree with someone's motive(s) or behavior; I believe that about all progressive human beings. And, HN, here I am not speaking to you directly, I am addressing anyone who offered her their advice or suggestion with their own ethics and morals attached to it - using it to demean her.

[complicatedlife]

Double Post.

[complicatedlife]

On the contrary. There is much compassion. However compassion is not agreement. Compassion is empathy and best understood as the 'Golden Rule', do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Au contrare: To have compassion is to have an awareness and to have sympathy, not empathy. Sympathy is the understanding of someone's suffering/pain, empathy is sharing someone's suffering/pain. You can be sympathetic and not empathetic, and vice versa. You can even feel both at the same time. So while I don't feel compassion for Destie, I do feel sympathy, but not empathy. The compassion I talked about was in a separate paragraph that dealt with the child. And, oh, yes, I most certainly do have compassion for that unborn child; I have compassion for all children.

 

We differ where it concerns responsibility. Destie, as all people, do have accountability and responsibility for their actions and the outcome of their actions in the lives of others. We all owe one another thoughtful consideration.

So Destie owes thoughtful consideration to the BS and her child, but the BS does not owe thoughtful consideration to Destie or her children? I thought you said that we all owe one another? Or is it simply: OW owes the MM's family, and the BS owes the OW and anyone related to her vengeance?

 

 

However, this was sorely lacking in Destie's choices.

Let's say that this sentence is true. She didn't ask for anyone's opinion on the choices that she already made - she specifically asked in her first post for advice on whether to tell the BS or not, and if so, how to tell her, with a summary of her story. So why is there a need to tell her that she is "sorely lacking in her choices"?

 

 

She does have a non-dischargeable obligation to consider how her choices impact others... as we all do. His family should have been as much her concern as it was for the MM involved. That would have been the compassionate and responsible thing to do.

No, her concern should have been herself and her children, if we're going to go there. Then if her moral code tells her she needs to extend that to a BS, then, yes, she should. I don't get this projecting of our personal beliefs/ethics onto someone else.

 

And yes, his wife was her responsibility and yes... she did blow the marriage up hand in hand with her married boyfriend. And if compassion and respect are what Destie was after that should have been something she offered others.

Well, maybe according to Gamine the wife is her responsibility and she blew up their marriage. Maybe to Destie, that is not the case. It certainly isn't the case to me. I don't see any post in which she asked for, or was after compassion and respect from anyone here or even that she expected it. She certainly wasn't disrespectful to anyone HERE, yet you're implying that she doesn't have to be respected because she didn't respect the BS? That baffles me. And lastly, it's one thing to say that you don't feel compassion for someone, but to hint that noone needs to give her that or give her respect because you believe that she didn't give it to others? Well, I believe that she should be respected because she is a human being..to me, everyone deserves respect - it's how I was raised, however, that is my personal opinion that I am not going to push on anyone, and I am sure that you have yours. But...do you see how I am not in agreement with many things you have said, yet I have not put down your opinion, your view, or assaulted your character? This is exactly what I am talking about when I say that we can disagree, but we can do it with grace.

[jj33]

Destie it sounds like you got what you came here for. I hope it all works out for you and your children.

[Gamine]

Au contrare: To have compassion is to have an awareness and to have sympathy, not empathy. Sympathy is the understanding of someone's suffering/pain, empathy is sharing someone's suffering/pain. You can be sympathetic and not empathetic, and vice versa. You can even feel both at the same time. So while I don't feel compassion for Destie, I do feel sympathy, but not empathy. The compassion I talked about was in a separate paragraph that dealt with the child. And, oh, yes, I most certainly do have compassion for that unborn child; I have compassion for all children.

 

 

So Destie owes thoughtful consideration to the BS and her child, but the BS does not owe thoughtful consideration to Destie or her children? I thought you said that we all owe one another? Or is it simply: OW owes the MM's family, and the BS owes the OW and anyone related to her vengeance?

 

 

 

Let's say that this sentence is true. She didn't ask for anyone's opinion on the choices that she already made - she specifically asked in her first post for advice on whether to tell the BS or not, and if so, how to tell her, with a summary of her story. So why is there a need to tell her that she is "sorely lacking in her choices"?

 

 

 

No, her concern should have been herself and her children, if we're going to go there. Then if her moral code tells her she needs to extend that to a BS, then, yes, she should. I don't get this projecting of our personal beliefs/ethics onto someone else.

 

 

Well, maybe according to Gamine the wife is her responsibility and she blew up their marriage. Maybe to Destie, that is not the case. It certainly isn't the case to me. I don't see any post in which she asked for, or was after compassion and respect from anyone here or even that she expected it. She certainly wasn't disrespectful to anyone HERE, yet you're implying that she doesn't have to be respected because she didn't respect the BS? That baffles me. And lastly, it's one thing to say that you don't feel compassion for someone, but to hint that noone needs to give her that or give her respect because you believe that she didn't give it to others? Well, I believe that she should be respected because she is a human being..to me, everyone deserves respect - it's how I was raised, however, that is my personal opinion that I am not going to push on anyone, and I am sure that you have yours. But...do you see how I am not in agreement with many things you have said, yet I have not put down your opinion, your view, or assaulted your character? This is exactly what I am talking about when I say that we can disagree, but we can do it with grace.

 

 

I'm speechless.

[noreply110]

[quote=Athena- my H tells all the OW that he LOVES me, admires me, and never wants to leave me!"

 

I am in the same place as Athena. My husband told his OW that he felt bad that he had to hurt me (when he left) because I was such a wonderful wife. It was stunning when I read the emails. I realize now that he was driving her to compete with me even more, and made his life that much better. It was exactly what kept her hooked on, his Compassion for me. He was an amazing actor, and seeing that part of him makes our recovery that much harder.

 

OP, you have gotten some wonderful advice, and I hope you do your best to protect your children, but I am worried you are not taking care of WHY you are making the decisions that you do. Please, consider seeing a professional, nothing has helped me more then that. I hope my marriage survives, but I know that no matter what, I will. And that is all from talking to someone outside of my support group (as well meaning as they are) who is trained to help me discover things about myself.

 

And sorry for my typos and spelling mistakes.