Pregnant by MM

[DESTIE]

Can we please get back to the point here? OP did not post to start a war over who's responsible for unintended pregnancies. This isn't helping her, and can be argued elsewhere.

 

Thank you Misty, I originally posted to get peoples opinion on how to handle the situation. Not whose fault it is that I am here.

 

Let me clear up a few of the accusations that were thrown out there.

 

1. I NEVER wanted him to leave his wife. Yes we had great conversations and moments however I knew that nothing more was going to come of it.

 

2. He persued me for months before we actually became intimate, not saying that makes it right. But I never once went after him in the hopes of seducing a married man.

 

3. Yes I have 2 other childrenm(13 and 10) from a previous relationship, and both were planned. I have used BC in the past and it has never failed so no I was not trying to set up this man.

 

4. As far as the protection goes, I know men that truly don't want children and they don't care if the woman says she is on BC or not they still wear protection EVERY time regardless b/c they do not want children.

 

5. I can't remember who made the ridiculous comment about a man adopting a child but that is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. This is his child he played a role in this. Adopting a child and trying to get CS from a woman that you had a one night stand with is nothing like this situation.

 

I have decided to have my childand I am fine with whatever he decides to do b/c I can't force him to be there. I understand my role in this and I feel bad for his wife. My initial suggestion about him walking away was b/c of her. I knew that it would devestate her. I have tried to work things out w/ him so that she wouldn't have to find out but he's being stubborn and truly feels he has the option of walking away and forgetting that this has ever happened. I understand that is his choice regarding being in her life but not when it comes to financial support.

 

As far as him trying to get custody I'm not concerned with it. If he wants to fight me for it let him try.

 

I have decided I will not go to the wife. I will wait until my daughter is born and serve him with Paternity paperwork. I will not send this to his home I will have him served at work. Once we have established paternity I will go for CS and sole custody. If he decides one day that he would like to be in her life thats fine. I will not keep him from her.

[sugarmomma]

His W will definitely learn of his indiscretion. I wish the best for you and your daughter. You sound like you have made the necessary decisions regarding your family's well being.

[DESTIE]

Wow! Having went back and re-read your posts, I see that you are not going after child support as a means of supporting your child. Rather, you are trying to punish this man for not wanting to be with you. And at the same time, you are going to be destroying the lives of innocent children (his son and your children).

 

IfWishesWereHorses, I wish there was an applause smiley. Because for that statement right there, you deserve a huge round of applause!

 

For the last time. I never once wanted him to leave his wife, I do not want this man.

[jj33]

Thats a very wise decision Destie.

 

What he and his W decide about the role they want to play in your child's life is up to them, not you.

 

You can only make sure that he pays proper child support.

 

Be prepared for the fact that you will probably be asked to have a paternity test done. You may feel that is insulting but I would expect it nonetheless.

 

You may want to contact a lawyer in advance and see if there is anything you need to do to be prepared when the baby is born.

 

Once he has been served and the process starts, you will have a better idea of what role if any he and his W want to play in the child's life.

 

I would expect, if I were you, that they will want to have nothing to do with you and the child and will view MM as a sperm donor rather than a father. If something different transpires, that would be nice for your child but I wouldnt expect it.

 

The idea that he would "fight" you for custody is laughable. The man is married to someone else, doesnt want anything to do with the pregnancy. I cant imagine his W is going to want to raise someone else's child born of an affair with her H. So that is one less thing for you to worry about.

 

Take good care

[NoIDidn't]

Please tell his W NOW so she can take the steps to protect herself and her son financially BEFORE the child support takes away her financial options.

 

I'm sure you don't care as much about her and her child with your boyfriend, but if you did, you wouldn't let her first hear of it at court when her options would br taken away from her by then.

[whimsical_memory]

For the last time. I never once wanted him to leave his wife, I do not want this man.

 

 

 

You wanted him enough to sleep with him for the past two years. You wanted him enough to not make him wear a condom (and YES! I DO hold YOU responsible for protecting YOUR BODY!) and now that he has told you he does not want you or your child (not his, he made that perfectly clear) you are determined to destroy his life so that YOU can feel better.

[MistyK]

Please tell his W NOW so she can take the steps to protect herself and her son financially BEFORE the child support takes away her financial options.

 

I'm sure you don't care as much about her and her child with your boyfriend, but if you did, you wouldn't let her first hear of it at court when her options would br taken away from her by then.

 

Support doesn't work like that. There is nothing that the BW needs to or can do to protect herself. Their finances are joint, but she cannot be held responsible for a child that's not hers. The court also takes other children needing support (MM and BW's child) when considering amounts. (My xMM is a lawyer specializing in family law, so I know a little).

 

The BW deserves to hear it from her H, and it will hurt her all the more to come from a OW.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I thought about this after I posted. Its very true that she would do much better financially if she knows in advance... IF she files for divorce. She truly has the most to loose as the uninformed player here.

[DESTIE]

Please tell his W NOW so she can take the steps to protect herself and her son financially BEFORE the child support takes away her financial options.

 

I'm sure you don't care as much about her and her child with your boyfriend, but if you did, you wouldn't let her first hear of it at court when her options would br taken away from her by then.

 

I personally feel its best she knows now, but I have no choice in that. I will leave it up to him to decide when/if he tells her and how she finds out.

[Jilly Bean]

Destie, so what is it that you really want here?

 

Since you've established you don't want him.

 

Is it to have another child?

 

Or, is it for the money?

 

Or, both?

 

And is adoption not an option?

[MistyK]

You wanted him enough to sleep with him for the past two years. You wanted him enough to not make him wear a condom (and YES! I DO hold YOU responsible for protecting YOUR BODY!) and now that he has told you he does not want you or your child (not his, he made that perfectly clear) you are determined to destroy his life so that YOU can feel better.

 

This is not about some poor unsuspecting MM. PLEASE. Even if we buy into that horsesh*t, let's remember that this is about the innocent child, not OW, not the woman unfortunate enough to be the BW, and not the poor victim MM.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

There is nothing that the BW needs to or can do to protect herself. She can file for divorce, CS, alimony, ect... before Destie gets her hands into her bank account also.

[DESTIE]

You wanted him enough to sleep with him for the past two years. You wanted him enough to not make him wear a condom (and YES! I DO hold YOU responsible for protecting YOUR BODY!) and now that he has told you he does not want you or your child (not his, he made that perfectly clear) you are determined to destroy his life so that YOU can feel better.

 

Yes I enjoyed sleeping with him but I never once wanted us to ride off into the sunset a happy family. Regardless of what you and him may say this is his child the DNA test will prove that. He can go and bury his head in the sand all he wants to but she is still his.

[MistyK]

There is nothing that the BW needs to or can do to protect herself. She can file for divorce, CS, alimony, ect... before Destie gets her hands into her bank account also.

 

They DON'T consider resources in CS, so Destie's not getting a penny of that anyway. It's all income and expenses.

[sugarmomma]

There is nothing that the BW needs to or can do to protect herself. She can file for divorce, CS, alimony, ect... before Destie gets her hands into her bank account also.

 

She could but how likely is it that his W will file for D? That doesn't happen very often. I know a BS that offered to buy the OW a car after she found out the OW was pregnant. Beyond me.

[whimsical_memory]

This is not about some poor unsuspecting MM. PLEASE. Even if we buy into that horsesh*t, let's remember that this is about the innocent child, not OW, not the woman unfortunate enough to be the BW, and not the poor victim MM.

 

 

 

It is not just about one innocent child. The MM has a child, and the OW has two other children! And I am SO sorry, I feel bad for the WIFE because she did not sign up for this mess!!! And had the OW been responsible for her body in the first place, there would not be an innocent unborn child on the way!

I hope that everything works out for the best, but this is a mess that is only going to get worse as time goes on.

[NoIDidn't]

Support doesn't work like that. There is nothing that the BW needs to or can do to protect herself. Their finances are joint, but she cannot be held responsible for a child that's not hers. The court also takes other children needing support (MM and BW's child) when considering amounts. (My xMM is a lawyer specializing in family law, so I know a little).

 

The BW deserves to hear it from her H, and it will hurt her all the more to come from a OW.

 

According to you, your MM told you a couple of falsehoods regarding family law and things in his own divorce, so I'd take anything he's ever said with a grain of salt.

 

That said, there are things she can do to legally separate their finances now so that she and her son won't get hit by his stupidity.

 

It doesn't seem fair to me that his family takes a financial hit just so that Destie can support a child that he obviously never wanted.

 

This BW deserves to be told BEFORE this child is born because after that, short of Divorce, there will be nothing else that she can do to protect herself financially. Regardless of who tells. I think the OW saying that the BW doesn't deserve to be told by them is just using this sudden compassion as a copout for avoiding seeing how much their actions added to this woman's (and her family's) pain.

[MistyK]

She could but how likely is it that his W will file for D? That doesn't happen very often. I know a BS that offered to buy the OW a car after she found out the OW was pregnant. Beyond me.

 

Yeah, unlikely the W will D anyway. In my case I believe that the BW believed that she and her H's marriage would magically work, that he'd move back home and fall in love with her again, etc if I'd just fall off the face of the planet. OW's aren't the only ones with wishful thinking. We all do it. My guess is that the BW in the car case believed that would make the OW go away and end any claim to support.

[Jilly Bean]

Gosh, it's kinda chilling me to think that we all know this, yet this guy's wife is somewhere in suburbia, cooking up beefaroni for her sons lunch and thinking about the potato salad she's bringing to the neighbors BBQ tomorrow, and she doesn't know her whole world is about to implode.

 

Just makes me sad for everyone.

[DESTIE]

Destie, so what is it that you really want here?

 

Since you've established you don't want him.

 

Is it to have another child?

 

Or, is it for the money?

 

Or, both?

 

And is adoption not an option?

 

No adoption is not an option. I did not plan on having another child but she's on her way. The money... he can keep the money I have given him that option. I told him if he wanted he could keep it from her forever. What I want is for him to help support her. I don't need money. If he wants he can go out and buy things for her and never give me a dime. I tried working this out with him w/o going to the courts but he feels its his right to walk away.

[NoIDidn't]

They DON'T consider resources in CS, so Destie's not getting a penny of that anyway. It's all income and expenses.

 

This actually depends on the state that you are in.

 

The BW needs to make sure that whatever the courts decide, it takes into account HER and HER CHILD FIRST.

 

Why should the BW get the triple whammy of watching her retirement dreams go up in flames because her H and this OW didn't know how to use BC properly?

[sugarmomma]

I think the OW saying that the BW doesn't deserve to be told by them is just using this sudden compassion as a copout for avoiding seeing how much their actions added to this woman's (and her family's) pain.

 

 

Maybe she doesn't want him to completely hate her (if she tell the W). If she doesn't tell the W maybe she thinks he'll change his mind and accept the child.

 

Destie, is there another reason why you don't want to tell his W?

[stillafool]

I hate it when women say "he wanted the sex and should have realized that she could get pregnant". Well, she also wanted the sex. She wanted the sex with him so bad she was willing to sleep with him even though he belonged to someone else and totally enjoyed it and wanted it just as much if not more than he did. Yet, after he AND SHE agreed that neither of them wanted anymore children he gets "tricked" into ruining 18 and more years of his life. I think if she decided she wants the baby it should be her sole respondsibility. If men were the one's who had kids and tried to take away our rights we would scream like hell! I put this kind of act in the same category as unwanted sodomy in prisons!

[NoIDidn't]

No adoption is not an option. I did not plan on having another child but she's on her way. The money... he can keep the money I have given him that option. I told him if he wanted he could keep it from her forever. What I want is for him to help support her. I don't need money. If he wants he can go out and buy things for her and never give me a dime. I tried working this out with him w/o going to the courts but he feels its his right to walk away.

 

Huh? And how is he going to accomplish helping you support her without his W's knowledge?

 

That would be the most cruel thing you could ever do to a child: put their life's beginning as just another secret in a secret affair.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I tried working this out with him w/o going to the courts but he feels its his right to walk away.

 

You agreed not to have the child. You agreed to raise it alone. You keep changing the plan. I honestly think that you are going to allow your D to become a pawn in your drama, and that is sad.