Pregnant by MM

[MistyK]

According to you' date=' your MM told you a couple of falsehoods regarding family law and things in his own divorce, so I'd take anything he's ever said with a grain of salt. [/quote']

 

Ok. Fair enough.

 

It doesn't seem fair to me that his family takes a financial hit just so that Destie can support a child that he obviously never wanted.

 

I agree, but she's screwed on that one no matter what - neither of these women are going to get the amount of CS she might otherwise get because the MM has to pay to support two children.

 

This BW deserves to be told BEFORE this child is born because after that, short of Divorce, there will be nothing else that she can do to protect herself financially. Regardless of who tells. I think the OW saying that the BW doesn't deserve to be told by them is just using this sudden compassion as a copout for avoiding seeing how much their actions added to this woman's (and her family's) pain.

 

Really honestly, I just try to put myself in BW's shoes (difficult admittedly). I think many women have different preferences as to whether they'd want to know if their H is having an A, let alone, a preference as to who the info comes from. So without asking the BW what she'd prefer (obviously can't), no way to know what would be easiest for her to take.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe she doesn't want him to completely hate her (if she tell the W). If she doesn't tell the W maybe she thinks he'll change his mind and accept the child.

 

 

So does this mean you agree that its a copout?

 

Telling the W should not come with "conditions" or a "wish list" of what the OW hopes will happen. Its just for her knowledge so she can decide how her life goes from that moment forward.

 

Who cares if the MM hates her afterwards? I don't get it. That sounds like she is not telling the W in the hopes of blindsiding her in the future should her H leave her and go to his ready made family with OW. Wouldn't this actually be more cruel than just telling the woman before the child was born?

[whimsical_memory]

Gosh, it's kinda chilling me to think that we all know this, yet this guy's wife is somewhere in suburbia, cooking up beefaroni for her sons lunch and thinking about the potato salad she's bringing to the neighbors BBQ tomorrow, and she doesn't know her whole world is about to implode.

 

Just makes me sad for everyone.

 

 

 

I know right?

[sugarmomma]

So does this mean you agree that its a copout?

 

'

 

I do believe that there may be another motive for not telling the W as opposed to it just not being her "place" to.

[DESTIE]

Maybe she doesn't want him to completely hate her (if she tell the W). If she doesn't tell the W maybe she thinks he'll change his mind and accept the child.

 

Destie, is there another reason why you don't want to tell his W?

 

There is some truth to all of what you said but now I realize thats not happening. Plus I didn't want to go through the drama of her knowing.

[Jilly Bean]

The money... he can keep the money I have given him that option. What I want is for him to help support her. I don't need money. If he wants he can go out and buy things for her and never give me a dime.

 

I'm confused. So, if you don't want money from him, then why whack him in court for child support?

[DESTIE]

'

 

I do believe that there may be another motive for not telling the W as opposed to it just not being her "place" to.

 

So what do you suggest? I show up on their doorstep one day with my growing belly or better yet his daughter in a car seat and tell her that he is the father of my child?

[DESTIE]

I'm confused. So, if you don't want money from him, then why whack him in court for child support?

 

Because he has NO intentions of helping at all. I will go to court for CS as a last resort. He is telling me you wanted it deal with it(which majority of you agree with) but I expect him to help out whether on his own or as ordered by a judge.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree, but she's screwed on that one no matter what - neither of these women are going to get the amount of CS she might otherwise get because the MM has to pay to support two children.

 

This is all I am saying. She's already screwed, but she doesn't have to be as screwed as telling her when its too late.

 

There are several options available to this BW. Admittedly, some are more legal than others. But my hope is that she chooses the legal and manages to protect enough to still retire herself.

 

Taking a MM to court for childsupport is almost the same thing as taking food from the children in his home with him and his W. His W deserves to know NOW not later.

 

I'm all for father's rights too. I totally agree with Ariadne about child support laws being written to protect W's and the children of the H and W. These laws came about to keep the man from being able to abandon his legally recognized family. But its a catch-22. He should support any and all children that are proven to be his. His W deserves far more consideration than this child that hasn't been born yet (sorry folks, but I am entitled to my opinion no matter how unpopular).

[Jilly Bean]

Because he has NO intentions of helping at all. I will go to court for CS as a last resort. He is telling me you wanted it deal with it(which majority of you agree with) but I expect him to help out whether on his own or as ordered by a judge.

 

So, are you saying if he agreed to drop off some diapers and baby food, maybe pay the light bill every other month, you'd avoid legal proceedings?

[sugarmomma]

So what do you suggest? I show up on their doorstep one day with my growing belly or better yet his daughter in a car seat and tell her that he is the father of my child?

 

Personally, I can't imagine how hurt she is gonna be to find out. If you chose to do it I would suggest the watchwords of compassion and tact. Its gonna crush her either way.

 

I mean whether you tell her or she finds out with the court order.

 

Not sure how you could soften the blow in a situation like this.

 

Check your motives for telling her. Is it truly for her benefit or yours?

[NoIDidn't]

So, are you saying if he agreed to drop off some diapers and baby food, maybe pay the light bill every other month, you'd avoid legal proceedings?

 

That's not going to work because she is going to want him to have interaction with the child. He doesn't want it. This is just a manipulation tactic (whether the OP intends it this way or not) of having him around the child in the hope that he comes around.

 

He's not going to want to hold the child he didn't want. He's not going to want to create a bond with a child he didn't want. He may even feel that being in the same room with the child puts him at a risk he doesn't want to be at.

 

I'm sorry, OP, but at this moment its best to count on him zero percent.

 

Now telling his W means that she might be compassionate as a mother herself and help him reconsider. But keeping this from her until the child is born will only make you look like you have ulterior motives.

[NoIDidn't]

There is some truth to all of what you said but now I realize thats not happening. Plus I didn't want to go through the drama of her knowing.

 

The minute you got pregnant by her H the drama started. Waiting until the child is born is not going to gain you any sympathy points from her. You won't get to shield yourself behind your innocent child.

 

(This is such a personal situation for me. No, my H didn't father a child outside of our marriage. It goes back MUCH further than that.)

[DESTIE]

That's not going to work because she is going to want him to have interaction with the child. He doesn't want it. This is just a manipulation tactic (whether the OP intends it this way or not) of having him around the child in the hope that he comes around.

 

He's not going to want to hold the child he didn't want. He's not going to want to create a bond with a child he didn't want. He may even feel that being in the same room with the child puts him at a risk he doesn't want to be at.

 

I'm sorry, OP, but at this moment its best to count on him zero percent.

 

Now telling his W means that she might be compassionate as a mother herself and help him reconsider. But keeping this from her until the child is born will only make you look like you have ulterior motives.

 

I don't want him to be there if he does not want to be.

 

So in your opinion I should let her know now. My question is how do I tell her... an email, letter, face to face? I originally was going to give him a time frame. Tell him that he had until 2 weeks from after I left our job to tell her and if he hasn't I would go to her.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't want him to be there if he does not want to be.

 

Well, you already know he wants no part of this.

 

So, I am even MORE confused.

 

First you wrote you don't want his money.

 

Then you say you don't want him around.

 

Then you say you are suing him for money.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't want him to be there if he does not want to be.

 

So in your opinion I should let her know now. My question is how do I tell her... an email, letter, face to face? I originally was going to give him a time frame. Tell him that he had until 2 weeks from after I left our job to tell her and if he hasn't I would go to her.

 

She should be told now. That would be the most compassionate thing for you, your child, and her and her family. He will be livid no matter what. He wanted the abortion so he would never have to deal with the mess that an affair can create.

 

The best scenario in my mind is one where you and he are both present to tell her. But if you have to tell her alone, face to face in a public place is the next best. A time frame is not a bad idea, but it needs to happen before your pregnancy possibly takes a complicated turn (before month 7 is over).

 

My friend heard through the grapevine on her job. The OW (another friend of ours) told someone that she knew had a big mouth and by the end of the day my friend was a laughingstock on her job because of her H. But she was told before the child was born and told her H that he owed the child, while not the OW, his support and love. I wish I could say this was a happy ending, but its still not. Because once he manned up and tried to incorporate the child into his family with his other kids and W, the OW did all that she could to keep that from happening.

 

Is the A over? Will you be an obstacle to your child knowing his other sibling? Will you allow the MM's family time with your child away from you (eventually, not necessarily right after birth, but it could happen)?

 

Maybe you should sit down and consider what you really want from this entire situation. That will determine how and when you tell her.

[jj33]

Destie its very clear that you are extremely confused and hurt and that you are having this child to stay connected to this man.

 

You dont want his money, you dont want him to leave his W. I think you are just protecting yourself from flames. Of COURSE you want him. You wouldnt be having his child if you didnt. You would have been able to go through with it when you went to the clinic (others will disagree on moral grounds but if you were that morally opposed to abortion you wouldnt have even thought of it as an option; I dont disagree I think that would have been a good solution here).

 

But you are having this baby. You have to accept that he is NOT a part of your life in a romantic sense. He is not interested in being a part of this child's life. You have chosen a path which is very admirable in many ways but it means that you are in this alone.

 

As others have said this man has given you BAD advice on your rights and his Ws rights. He is liable for child support, in some states such as California, the parents' income is taken into account. And look at the recent celebrity divorces, does any child need hundreds of thousands of dollars in support for necessary expenses? they dont. He has a LOT to lose and he doesnt want you to know that.

 

As someone else said, you can be SURE that he is losing a lot of sleep over this.

 

I know someone who was the man in this situation only he was single. He was wonderfu to the woman during her pregnancy - beyond wonderful. And she has spent every day since HATING HIM and trying to take him to the cleaners because while he is willing to pay support, he doesnt love the mother. And she will never forgive him for not loving her, no matter how much money he throws at the situation it will never make up for the fact that he didnt marry her; that they arent a family.

 

You dont have to admit anything on a public forum, but be honest with yourself. NOTHING he can do or say will make up for the fact that he doesnt want to raise this child with you and that when you told him you were pregnant he didnt say sweetheart, I love you, I cant think of anything better than raising a family with you, I will tell my wife about us. i am leaving.

 

That is not how your story unfolded. Its understandable you are disappointed. But that is not how it is.

 

Dont be a fool. Unless you have substantial independent means, you want the child support.

 

But dont make the mistake of thinking you can seek revenge on him for not loving you the way you want to be loved by using the pregnancy to get back at him. You can try. You can make everyone's lives miserable but you cant force him to be a father to your child.

 

Getting a lawyer involved at the earliest possible stage is the best course of action.

 

I wont even comment on the position his poor W is in. Its shameful that her H is keeping this information from her, but she is not posting, you are.

 

And be realistic. He is going to demand proof that he is the father and fight you every step of the way. Going to his W now without proof of paternity would be a big mistake.

 

Also if he is your boss, how is this going to impact your job? Have you thought about that?

 

You need a lawyer ASAP the last thing you want is to wind up pregnant and unemployed suing him for sexual discrimination on top of everything else. The standard thing here would be to fire you (downsizing bad economic climate your performance wasnt stellar or was but times are tough). That way you are no longer a problem....

 

You need to get very very smart and start protecting yourself (unless of course finances are not a concern and you dont need his money or your job).

[NoIDidn't]

Destie its very clear that you are extremely confused and hurt and that you are having this child to stay connected to this man.

 

You dont want his money, you dont want him to leave his W. I think you are just protecting yourself from flames. Of COURSE you want him. You wouldnt be having his child if you didnt. You would have been able to go through with it when you went to the clinic (others will disagree on moral grounds but if you were that morally opposed to abortion you wouldnt have even thought of it as an option; I dont disagree I think that would have been a good solution here).

 

But you are having this baby. You have to accept that he is NOT a part of your life in a romantic sense. He is not interested in being a part of this child's life. You have chosen a path which is very admirable in many ways but it means that you are in this alone.

 

As others have said this man has given you BAD advice on your rights and his Ws rights. He is liable for child support, in some states such as California, the parents' income is taken into account. And look at the recent celebrity divorces, does any child need hundreds of thousands of dollars in support for necessary expenses? they dont. He has a LOT to lose and he doesnt want you to know that.

 

As someone else said, you can be SURE that he is losing a lot of sleep over this.

 

I know someone who was the man in this situation only he was single. He was wonderfu to the woman during her pregnancy - beyond wonderful. And she has spent every day since HATING HIM and trying to take him to the cleaners because while he is willing to pay support, he doesnt love the mother. And she will never forgive him for not loving her, no matter how much money he throws at the situation it will never make up for the fact that he didnt marry her; that they arent a family.

 

You dont have to admit anything on a public forum, but be honest with yourself. NOTHING he can do or say will make up for the fact that he doesnt want to raise this child with you and that when you told him you were pregnant he didnt say sweetheart, I love you, I cant think of anything better than raising a family with you, I will tell my wife about us. i am leaving.

 

That is not how your story unfolded. Its understandable you are disappointed. But that is not how it is.

 

Dont be a fool. Unless you have substantial independent means, you want the child support.

 

But dont make the mistake of thinking you can seek revenge on him for not loving you the way you want to be loved by using the pregnancy to get back at him. You can try. You can make everyone's lives miserable but you cant force him to be a father to your child.

 

Getting a lawyer involved at the earliest possible stage is the best course of action.

 

I wont even comment on the position his poor W is in. Its shameful that her H is keeping this information from her, but she is not posting, you are.

 

And be realistic. He is going to demand proof that he is the father and fight you every step of the way. Going to his W now without proof of paternity would be a big mistake.

 

Also if he is your boss, how is this going to impact your job? Have you thought about that?

 

You need a lawyer ASAP the last thing you want is to wind up pregnant and unemployed suing him for sexual discrimination on top of everything else. The standard thing here would be to fire you (downsizing bad economic climate your performance wasnt stellar or was but times are tough). That way you are no longer a problem....

 

You need to get very very smart and start protecting yourself (unless of course finances are not a concern and you dont need his money or your job).

 

Great post, jj33.

[DESTIE]

She should be told now. That would be the most compassionate thing for you, your child, and her and her family. He will be livid no matter what. He wanted the abortion so he would never have to deal with the mess that an affair can create.

 

The best scenario in my mind is one where you and he are both present to tell her. But if you have to tell her alone, face to face in a public place is the next best. A time frame is not a bad idea, but it needs to happen before your pregnancy possibly takes a complicated turn (before month 7 is over).

 

My friend heard through the grapevine on her job. The OW (another friend of ours) told someone that she knew had a big mouth and by the end of the day my friend was a laughingstock on her job because of her H. But she was told before the child was born and told her H that he owed the child, while not the OW, his support and love. I wish I could say this was a happy ending, but its still not. Because once he manned up and tried to incorporate the child into his family with his other kids and W, the OW did all that she could to keep that from happening.

 

Is the A over? Will you be an obstacle to your child knowing his other sibling? Will you allow the MM's family time with your child away from you (eventually, not necessarily right after birth, but it could happen)?

 

Maybe you should sit down and consider what you really want from this entire situation. That will determine how and when you tell her.

 

Yes the A is over, I ended it once I had my change of heart. Like I said earlier (and got attacked for it) I would never be spiteful and keep her from her family. I would prefer it if she could get to know them. When I first told him of my change of heart he said that we should tell the W together then he changed completely and said he wanted no parts of it. (see he changed his mind too).

 

Honestly I wanted him to play some type of role in her life, but since that does not seem to be an option I would want his support. Whether it be financial or bringing things by. But like you said him buying things and bringing them by could cause problems and if he feels that he wants to know nothing of the baby he probably wouldn't even want that interaction with me.

[sugarmomma]

Destie, if you tell the W and she does decide to divorce him before you have the baby, you could end up with the short short end of the stick. She would take his tail to the cleaners.

 

There won't be any support left for you. So maybe you shouldn't tell her for your own good.

 

Get a lawyer!!

[jj33]

And Destie. I dont want to be rude but you keep talking about her involvement with her family. Family is more than biological. There is an extent to which he is just the unwilling sperm. He wasnt unwilling when she was conceived but he is unwilling now.

 

Getting her involved with his family would be very complicated. I would not look at that as necessarily the "best" thing for your child.

 

And it may not be realistic.

 

You and your daughter may be far better off if he simply wires funds to you each month and otherwise keeps a distance.

 

Again this whole idea that you are going to be a happily family is understandable, but it may not be realistic given his current stance and the fact that the child was conceived behind his Ws back.

[NoIDidn't]

Destie, if you tell the W and she does decide to divorce him before you have the baby, you could end up with the short short end of the stick. She would take his tail to the cleaners.

 

There won't be any support left for you. So maybe you shouldn't tell her for your own good.

 

Get a lawyer!!

 

I have a huge problem with this. The support is for the child, not for DESTIE.

 

He DOES owe his W support if she is a stay at home mom to their child. He doesn't owe DESTIE a thing.

 

She should tell his W. Doing what you suggest seems like an ulterior motive of only making his family pay for his stupidity (not that they won't anyway).

 

His W has every RIGHT to take him to the cleaners. Destie doesn't.

[whichwayisup]

(see he changed his mind too).

 

You can't compare him changing his mind on how/if/when he is going to tell his wife to your choice in not having the baby to changing your mind to keeping and having it.

 

When it comes to $$, that will come out of HIS pocket book, not his wife's. It could be taken from his paycheque, but not from 'their' account. Atleast this is how it is where I'm from.

 

Anyway, I feel for the kids in this mess as they're the ones who are going to be affected by it all and have to deal with it. I just hope the adults here (even the BW, even though NONE of this is her fault) can keep this situation from exploding into something really bad.

 

Sugar, this man owes HER nothing in the sense of money. If money is going to be paid out, it'll be to his/their child, not to the OW directly so she can live off of it.

[MistyK]

Oh sugarmomma you are gonna get so flamed for that, I can see it coming.

 

Destie,

If you're truly ok with him just dropping stuff by, he doesn't really need to see you. He could send things by mail or send a family member. It only becomes drama if he insists on coming over. Something to consider.

 

If we take your feelings at face value, I think you (and the BW) are still better off if you don't tell her. Things like A's have a way of coming out anyway, and you showing up on her doorstep with a big belly is going to seem like bragging no matter how nice you are and no matter how much you assure her you don't want her H. You are a walking talking visual of her husband's sex acts with you, and I can only imagine that hearing it from you is the most painful option. (Don't get me wrong, I believe she deserves to know.) And the other thing is that she's not going to believe you anyway. Most women (IMO) automatically leap to hubby's defense when confronted by a OW they don't even know about an A. So again, why bother until he inevitably asks for paternity results?

 

But truthfully, if he really wants to keep this on the DL, I suspect he'll give you baby stuff on the side and accept the child is yours. Imagine what a fool he'll look like demanding paternity tests when it turns out to be his....and it's so much easier to hide from his W that way. But as everyone else said, plan on him not being there for your daughter at all.

[whichwayisup]

She needs to read Gwyneth's story. Des, do a site search on that username and read her situation, it's kind of similar to yours..

 

And I'll add, Gwyn is doing GREAT alone, no support/help nothing from her exMM and she's so happy it turned it out this way.