**Parents Disapprove of our relationship || What should I/we Do?**

[JamesUme]

I am in my late 20's, and as a career, I am a computer programmer with many ambitious plans for the future. (Current income is above the average household income). I've been raised with good family values, and have always the utmost respect for elders. I still respect and believe in a lot of the traditions from any culture.

 

That being said, my girlfriend is also of Asian decent and came to North America at a very young age. Did her schooling here and is now a doctor. We get along at many different levels and our chemistry is like no other. I really believe that this girl could be the one. The only problem I am encountering now is her parents. (Especially her mom). They know I've graduated from College, and the career path I have chosen. This is apparently enough for them to disapprove of our relationship. They are constantly fighting her to re-consider this relationship and find someone who is at the same level as her in terms of status. (Education, Career, Achievements,etc.). They continue to say that there are things she doesn't see that she will regret later. Yes, she might possibly make more money then me in the future, however the gap wouldn't be that big.

 

Could her parents be right about it? Is there something I'm missing or is her parents being very unreasonable? It has already been a bad start and I can imagine how much more difficult it will be as time goes on. I don't see them ever accepting this no matter if we get married and even have children. I am also afraid they will continue to try to run her life until the day they die. What are your thoughts? Who should I as well as her handle this situation?

 

Thanks in advance for any input/advice.

[girl68]

I am also afraid they will continue to try to run her life until the day they die. What are your thoughts? Who should I as well as her handle this situation?

 

 

Unless she stands up to them they will- that I can promise you. It's absolute 100% definate they will. I know lots of girls like this, they will never, ever accept you unless she stands up for you. Which so far it doesn't sound like she has.

 

Listen there are 2 types of people:

Type 1: The person who puts family before everything else. Family is everything, and you are nothing without family.

Type 2: The person who puts love before everything else. Love consumes you. When push comes to shove, you choose love.

 

I'll take a stab and guess your gf is type 1. She is naive, and young, she is a parents pleaser, and daddy's little girl.

 

Advice: how does SHE handle it? Does she choose you or them? Becuase likely in the end there is a choice: she will not have the option of "all of the above". If uncertainty isn't good enough for you- bolt before it gets serious.

[Surfer Dude]

I wager her family is reptilian, greedy, materialistic and racist and they care more about these superficial meaningless things (money, career) than romance and love between people (they probably don't even know what those concepts are). They probably worry she wouldn't meet some sexless worker drone who would spend his life slaving for money and his career.

 

What are they, her owners? Man that's bullsh*t and it's sickening.

 

If she truly gives in to such BS pressure and allows herself to be brainwashed, then she isn't really worthy of your attention anyway.

 

Here's what you need to tell her:

"I think love and romance are really important. I know your parents tell you that we shouldn't be together, but aren't your own needs and wishes what truly matters? Some people live their lives to please others. But we are not like that. This is our world, our rules... no one has any influence in our world. Only us, our passion... and it feels so good doesn't it? With me, embrace your passion and feelings, and let me help you live your dream life. Wouldn't that feel really good? I can be the guy who can help you make your dreams come true, but I wouldn't be happy with a girl who is completely independent. Can you be that independent girl for me?"

 

Just follow my advice.

 

What is it with Asian parents? I hear stories like this all the time. Man that's serously f*cked up.

[JamesUme]

Unless she stands up to them they will- that I can promise you. It's absolute 100% definate they will. I know lots of girls like this, they will never, ever accept you unless she stands up for you. Which so far it doesn't sound like she has.

 

Listen there are 2 types of people:

Type 1: The person who puts family before everything else. Family is everything, and you are nothing without family.

Type 2: The person who puts love before everything else. Love consumes you. When push comes to shove, you choose love.

 

I'll take a stab and guess your gf is type 1. She is naive, and young, she is a parents pleaser, and daddy's little girl.

 

Advice: how does SHE handle it? Does she choose you or them? Becuase likely in the end there is a choice: she will not have the option of "all of the above". If uncertainty isn't good enough for you- bolt before it gets serious.

 

Well one thing I know about her is that she's been listening to her parents all her life. She has just begun her career and adulthood. She definitely disagrees with them and feels they don't know what's best for her. She is constantly fighting everyday with her mother to get off her case. In the end she says she will be with me even though they don't accept it. I believe her, but when push comes to shove.. It's really hard to tell

[Chicago_Guy]

I am in my late 20's, and as a career, I am a computer programmer with many ambitious plans for the future. (Current income is above the average household income). I've been raised with good family values, and have always the utmost respect for elders. I still respect and believe in a lot of the traditions from any culture.

 

That being said, my girlfriend is also of Asian decent and came to North America at a very young age. Did her schooling here and is now a doctor. We get along at many different levels and our chemistry is like no other. I really believe that this girl could be the one. The only problem I am encountering now is her parents. (Especially her mom). They know I've graduated from College, and the career path I have chosen. This is apparently enough for them to disapprove of our relationship. They are constantly fighting her to re-consider this relationship and find someone who is at the same level as her in terms of status. (Education, Career, Achievements,etc.). They continue to say that there are things she doesn't see that she will regret later. Yes, she might possibly make more money then me in the future, however the gap wouldn't be that big.

 

Could her parents be right about it? Is there something I'm missing or is her parents being very unreasonable? It has already been a bad start and I can imagine how much more difficult it will be as time goes on. I don't see them ever accepting this no matter if we get married and even have children. I am also afraid they will continue to try to run her life until the day they die. What are your thoughts? Who should I as well as her handle this situation?

 

Thanks in advance for any input/advice.

 

I may be in the minority here, but I think this could be a problem. Is your girlfriend a pediatrician or is she a surgeon? If she makes like $400k or more and you make like $70k, she might eventually start to resent you or think you aren't good enough, especially if her parents are on her case about this all the time.

 

I guarantee you that there are a lot of mothers out there who want their daughters to marry someone with similar academic credentials and a similar or higher level of ambition. Not all of these mothers are Asian, although I do realize that Asian families in America tend to be very ambitious.

[JamesUme]

I may be in the minority here, but I think this could be a problem. Is your girlfriend a pediatrician or is she a surgeon? If she makes like $400k or more and you make like $70k, she might eventually start to resent you or think you aren't good enough, especially if her parents are on her case about this all the time.

 

I guarantee you that there are a lot of mothers out there who want their daughters to marry someone with similar academic credentials and a similar or higher level of ambition. Not all of these mothers are Asian, although I do realize that Asian families in America tend to be very ambitious.

 

She is a family physician. She could have the potential to make $400K, but as a consulting specialist, I wouldn't be too far from it either

[MusicChick24]

How old is your gf? Is there a age gap between the two of you?

 

If there is, do you think that maybe her parents think if your age is different, even though you two are both adults with careers that you might be off her level in that way?

 

I ask this because you stated that you were in your late 20s and that she is just now beginning adulthood. So I was wondering..

[Mahatma]

She must stand up to them and defend you even when you are not there.

 

She must make it 100% clear that NOTHING is going to change.

 

With that said, there will be a large income gap. If this will bother you both, then maybe it will not work.

 

Don't become a trophy husband.

[collegekid491]

Sad to hear that man, doesn't sound like much fun

 

You both have valid points. I say this not just to try and help you realize their side, but the other thing is the more you clash heads with them the more difficult its gonna be gf, and no one wants that.

 

Her parents may be thinking it will threaten you in the future (not being the bread winner), or that her schedule will be so hectic you may not understand how little time she has for you, or even something so far in the future as clashes in plans for your children. The fact of the matter is alot of parents learn stuff in experiences that they try to push on their children because they don't want them to have to experience it themselves. I mean personally, we have to learn this stuff, I mean, when my mom said don't touch the stove my 6 y/o infant mind was saying "F*** u, im touching the stove" lol. Basically what I'm saying is they love their daughter and want the best for her, right now they only see the negative, and their obviously isn't only negative otherwise you wouldn't be dating (her parents don't see that side).

 

The thing to remember also is how you treat this situation is gonna be a impact on the future. So just talk to your gf, show her your maturity on the subject, it helps give some perspective

[JamesUme]

Thanks everyone for your helpful advice. In terms of the age gap, we are the same age. The biggest concern for me is although my gf might disagree now with her parents, she might start to agree later.

 

I feel like any mother is a direct reflection of what the daughter will become. Maybe not now, but later when married with or w/o children. Even if she doesn't ever agree with her mother, maybe naturally she'll pick up after her w/o knowing it. I know that things change after marriage and I’m afraid this might be one of them. I don't agree with her mother's strong traditional view. Therefore it would definitely be a deal breaker with my significant other if she shared the same ones. By the time I might see that, it could already be too late.

[mohini]

Speaking from the other side (I am an Asian girl), I can appreciate the difficult situation in which you find yourself. My parents disapprove of the man I have been dating for the last 5 years. He is 5 years older than me and has a stable and respectable job and just bought his own place. He comes from a good family background, altough higher education was never fully supported in his household. Nevertheless, he has a BSc Hons degree and came top of his class in all subjects - geek! Just kidding...

 

What I find difficult is accepting the fact that everyone will never be happy with my decisions. I am a people pleaser and it breaks my heart to know that I will eventually have to choose between him and my parents. When I visit India and my grandparents, I feel he is most certainly not the one for me because he will never fit in with our crazy traditions but then I only ever feel like myself and happy when I am with him. He is a good man who I know will always treat me well and look after me but what to do about my parents?

 

My mother is slowly coming to terms with it and is now making a great effort with my boyfriend - he frequently comes over for dinner, helps her with diy things around the house etc. My father, on the other hand, only just found out about us because I felt it would be too difficult to tell him. I have always been a "daddy's girl" until recently. I find as I am growing up (soon to turn 24) I am becoming less attached to my father which in someways saddens me. I feel as though one man in entering my life which means one has to take a back seat and I don't want it to be like that.

 

I think that you should seriously consider whether you can support her through this turmoil because it is extremely draining mentally and emotionally for her. I don't think, however, that you should worry about her turning into her mother and adopting similar views in the future. Views and opinions are developed through experiences not genes. And if she is really defending you to her family and standing by you, she must truly love you. I have often felt like breaking up with my boyfriend due to parental pressure and I reckon you have a pretty strong gf if she hasn't.

 

What I want to ask you is this: from your experiences, do you think I should split up with my bf to save future possible heartache because I honestly do not know how this will turn out in the future and I will never be able to turn my back on my family, or should I stay with the man I love in the hopes that one day all will be resolved?

[xpaperxcutx]

If you give her an ultimatum of choosing you or her parents, half the time I can guarantee she will choose the parents. Why? Because family is important. She was raised by traditional parents who taught her from a young age that being filial is important.

 

You being an asian yourself, despite being born here ( in the US I presume?) should know this despite your parents being less strict and more open to western ideals.

 

This is a culture problem. If you want to win her over, you have to first win over her parents. Show them that you're capable of being able to support your gf ( finanacially, unfortunately status is very important) even if she's not a doctor. You'll have to start making family outings and trying to both yours and her family together for dinner from time to time just to bridge any gaps you may have.

 

Oh, and if you expect her to rebel against her parents, don't expect it to go any smoothly. The only thing you can do is try to accomodate her and see how you can get on her parents' good side.

 

Manipulative? Yes, but it's the only way if you don't want to drive a rift between her and her parents and make them hate you even more.

[OpenGL]

I was in the same situation a few years ago with an asian girl and I am black. I came from a wealthy family, I had a masters degree, made more money than both of her parents combined, and they still didnt approve of our relationship. She wouldn't stand up to them.

 

After years of dating her I decied that she was a stupid, young, naive girl that didn't have backbone in her body and broke up with her. Best decision I have ever made and I will no longer date weak girls. I recommend you do the same.

[borbiusle]

You bring Dishonor to Family .

[HisInfernalMajesty]

My mom made all the money when I was growing up, and my dad did odd jobs here and there, and they've been married for over 30 years.

It doesn't matter if one makes more money than the other, and if someone disapproved of your relationship because of that, then that's their problem.

[JamesUme]

Thanks again for all your comments people!

 

 

After careful thought, feedback and multiple views of my situation.. I have narrowed it down to one important thing.

 

“Will she step her foot down with her parents?”

 

If I continue to see that she cannot grow up and tell her parents to back off, there is nothing I can do but leave. She is a grown adult and is fully capable of making her own decisions. I can deal with parent’s giving their opinions, but I cannot deal with them directing their child’s life. (Especially at this age). I cannot tell her how to be with her parents, therefore I will only wait patiently to see if she strengthens her backbone and tells her parent’s how it is. If it makes her happy, she will have to stay strong regardless of how many guilt trips they put her through. I will know the day she has grown up when I hear something similar directed towards her parents:

 

“I’ve taken your comments into consideration, however this is what makes me happy and I’m going to do it. Your support would be greatly appreciated but I’m not seeking your approval”

[OpenGL]

Exactly, trust me on this if she doesn't grow a backbone break up with her. Once you're in your next relationship and her parents treat you right you will feel a lot better.

[001bh]

Being half Asian, and having lived in 5 different Asian countries before going to the states for college; I've seen this **** before and it is really sad. She may or may not be able to stand up to it. You need to make it clear that if she can't stand up to her parents and if she truly loves you that she has to choose you or the parents. You're both adults and you both can make rational, sound decisions. Do what you think is right. If I were in your shoes I would tell them that this is f*&%^ing America where individuals have rights, and money and careers are not the deal breakers for relationships. They don't own her, but if you lose at least you come out on top and them shallow with the short end of the stick.