Wife recently moved out

[man_of_ability]

My wife moved out of our house and into an apartment a few weeks ago. She told me about a month ago ago that she was considering it because she was unhappy, felt smothered and other similar arguments.

 

It seems as if there are two versions of her because when we got back from vacation about 3 weeks ago, she said it's nice to be home and started shopping, doing yard work, and generally "nesting" type activities. Even the night before she moved out we were shopping for household items and she was asking me what I wanted to do for the weekend. Her girlfriend called her about a planned weekend visit and I heard her say she was "on the fence" about something (which I later put together what she was really talking about). Her friend arrived this past Friday, and by the time I got home from work they had already started packing and moving things out.

 

She said we could still "do stuff" together. When she was getting more stuff from the house I could tell she was crying. I am not sure but I think she is very divided and may even already regret that she left to some degree. I asked her if I should take my ring off and she said no, and she was not taking hers off either. She hasn't told her parents and didn't want me to tell mine either. This again leads me to the belief that she is very uncertain of what she is doing. She is the type that after making the decision, right or wrong, she thinks she needs to follow through with it.

 

The rental property is a 3 month lease. I would really like her back home. I have worked so hard to make a life with her and we enjoy doing so many of the same things, we have the same political beliefs, hobbies, activities, etc.

 

I didn't resist her moving out. I told her I didn't want her to go but I respected her decision. I am limiting contact, I haven't called her except regarding her picking up more stuff. I let her take anything she wanted.

 

Finally, I got an email from asking if I would go with her to a festival this Friday. I think my letting her go may already be drawing her back in but it may be too early to tell.

 

I have treated her very well, never hurt her physically or emotionally, I'm responsible, respectful....I am having a hard time figuring this out. How can I be responsible for her happiness?

 

It's only been a few days and I'm lonely and bored and feeling sad.

[man_of_ability]

We did go to on the date last Friday and then she left town for a business trip. She's returning today and wants to see fireworks together tomorrow.

 

Our date actually went very well. I focused on positive things only with no mention of relationship issues. From our date I got the feeling that she will be returning. She got a new phone on our family plan, she spoke excitedly about future events and the way she contacted me and kissed me led me to believe this is just temporary. But now that she's been gone a week doubt has already crept back in. She could easily change her mind or be talked out of coming back by one of her many friends.

 

Another thing I discovered disturbs me and I wanted to get advice on how/if I should bring it up at all at this time. She has told me she wants to date each other exclusively and not see other people and that she was hiding nothing. But....

 

I noticed the other day due to much free time on my hands, that her facebook friends page is blocked out for me. I have no access to see who her friends are. I looked in the settings and their is a way to exclude certain users from viewing your friends. I am listed has her husband and on her friends list, but I have no idea who she is adding or has added as friends.

 

Through my computer skills I did manage to see her "hidden" list and everything was normal except for one newer name added to her list. This was an ex boyfriend from back in her college days. A few years ago I was unhappy with their e-mail correspondance and asked her to stop communicating with this person. And she told me she would. After all, I had cut off all ties with all of my ex's. He's now on her list and what bothers me even more than that is her lack of openness on this. Should I let this drop for now and concentrate on the dating? Should I casually ask her why her friends aren't showing up on my view? Or should I tell her I figured this out and draw a line in the sand?

 

I mean come on if two spouses can't even be open about who their friends are then what's the point? It may be a minor issue but symbolically her hiding this from me really bothers me.

 

Thanks for your input and reading my long message.

[lupa]

Damn, I wish I had the self-discipline you do.

 

My advice -- don't argue, don't push, and certainly don't ask questions about the future. You need to keep as cool as a cucumber through this (trust me, I didn't and only barely am learning how). Also, learn the art of "listening" because that is usually at the root of a woman's unhappiness with her man, at first. I drove mine to look for listening from another person, and she made a heck of a lot out of it that I don't truly think was there.

 

Like I said...be Mr Cool Ice.

[norajane]

Has she told you WHY she moved out? Have you suggested going to marriage counseling together?

 

Have you talked to her family, to your family? It sounds like you are dealing with this separation alone. This is happening to you, not just her. Get all the support you need from people in your life.

 

As for her facebook friend/ex, who knows? Have you asked her directly if she moved out because she wants to see other people? If she's been talking to or wanting to date someone?

[man_of_ability]

Her reasons were very vague mainly being unhappy and those types of general complaints.

 

I do feel alone, as she does not want our parents or our families to know she did this. So I, not wanting to make anything worse have not told them anything about this. I even had to go to great lengths to avoid my parents when they wanted to come see me. They would be surprised to see a room full of missing furniture. I don't have nearly as many friends as she does and most were through her. So without my family I am left with little to no support.

 

She is getting support from friends and who knows what they are telling her, especially the single ones.

 

I have asked her about seeing other people before she moved out. She told me she was not seeing other people, didn't want to see other people, and didn't want me to see other people. She denies she has been talking to or dating anyone else. I believe that she hasn't physically cheated but now after finding the facebook secrets I am starting to wonder if she doesn't have a "emotional" thing with someone else that she hasn't told me about. This facebook buddy is in a different state.

[tojaz]

Your in for a long road!! I'm three months in and things move fast and not very well. Heres my posts if you want to see some of what you might be in for. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192892/

also check out Lupas thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190625/

all I can say is take it slow, and don't push. She still wants to work on it. Try MC and listen when she wants to talk, and let it be when she dosen't. Keep Posting

TOJAZ

[Custody-Won]

You need to take yourself outside of the relationship and look in. As if you are listening to your best friend tell the story. WHAT WOULD YOUR CONCLUSION BE

 

or better yet if you have any women friends, sit down with them let them give you their take on her (your wifes) actions.. Remember women are transparent to other woman

 

you know what's going on

[whichwayisup]

There has to be someone else. Just my gut, especially since she's blocked you from facebook, she's hiding something.

 

Honestly, if she wants to be separated, then be separated. She can't have it both ways, have you in her life on her terms and you get the short end of the stick here and you're left hurting.

 

Cut contact and tell her that it's too painful for you to be around her right now and ask for her to give YOU space.

 

Anyway, something does feel off about your situation and her friend knows what's going on, and is possibly helping/covering for her.

[norajane]

I do feel alone, as she does not want our parents or our families to know she did this.

 

She's hiding the break-up of your marriage?

 

I think she's hiding something else. Like another man.

 

If I were you, I'd tell my family immediately. No way in hell I'd be going through this alone. And I'd tell her family. Maybe they can talk some sense into her.

[whichwayisup]

OH man, I must have missed that part. I totally agree with NJ on this! She doesn't want anyone to know the marriage is breaking up because it's HER who's decided to break it up and sadly because she's met someone else.

 

TELL your folks what's going on, they're your family and you need support. I agree, tell her family too otherwise she turn it on you and make you the bad guy and say the separation is your fault so she won't have to be the one to face the music.

[man_of_ability]

Thanks for everyone's ideas. My thinking has previously been that she didn't want our families to know because it was just a temporary need for her to get space and think about the relationship, and she wants to be able to come back to me with no bad feelings from family members. I don't see how she would have had time before this to cheat on me as she works long hours and then the other times she was with me.

 

Now the facebook thing I discovered recently and that does concern me but there was nobody on there locally that she would be having an affair with.

 

Since she has moved out it would certainly be possible for her to cheat because I don't even know the address to her apartment yet. I just don't think that's what is going on. I would be less surprised if she had an e-affair or email exchanges with people I don't know about. Or maybe bad advice from some girl friends of hers.

 

By giving her the space she requested, however, there is really no way for me to know if she is cheating unless I have it investigated. I really didn't think it had gotten that bad.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, but you should be able to talk to your own family about this. You need support as well and it's unfair of her to tell you NOT to tell your own folks about this.

 

If you don't want to hire a PI to find out what she is doing, then ask a trusted friend to follow her.

 

Maybe there isn't anybody, but I find it quite odd that she wants this hidden from family. If anything, people are supportive when couples go through hard times, unless that is, it involves a third person and someone is cheating.

 

I hate to ask this, but is it possible that there's something going on between her and her friend? Maybe your wife is curious about women?

[norajane]

I don't see how she would have had time before this to cheat on me as she works long hours

 

Many, many, many affairs start at work, with co-workers. She might not be working as many hours as you think.

 

And she won't even tell you her address? You know why? She doesn't want you stopping by unexpectedly. Because she has someone there. How do you know she has a 3 month rental lease? Maybe she doesn't and she moved in with her affair partner.

 

Tell your family and hers. You need the support. And her family can start asking questions. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Get it out in the open so you know what you're dealing with.

[man_of_ability]

Even if she told her family she would never frame it as she was cheating on me and they would have no way of knowing, so why then would she hesitate to tell them for that reason?

 

I obviously don't have "the goods" on her so that wouldn't be holding her back from telling family members either.

 

I may consider looking into what she is doing, however. I will need to do it in a way that's not needy and considered stalking. So far it's only been two weeks and one of them she was gone on a business trip and spending time with yet another girlfriend of hers.

 

I don't suspect she is interested in women, but that's a good question. The friend that moved her out is a lesbian but she comes from a different state as well. Problem is she has plenty of girlfriends so determining if one is trying to sink our marriage may be very difficult.

 

She hasn't told anyone that she works with about this either. Only a few of her closest friends know about it but I'm not certain of that or which ones that she told.

[man_of_ability]

NoraJane thanks for your advice. That does make sense. I'm thinking she will give me the address if I ask. Since it's been only two weeks and she was gone, I haven't really even asked because I wanted to give her space and not pressure her.

 

I will ask for it. :(If she is resistant to give it to me then I will know that this could be what is going on. After she knows exactly where I live which isn't really fair.

 

As to parents, yes that makes sense too. I will tell them.

[Biggie25x]

I read your posts and I can't see anything that I would change. However, I do read the part about her excluding you from seeing certain friends. This is not something someone does casually. It implies intent to hide something from her.

 

I think you need to spend a little time wondering why she has moved out. Why she is talking to other people (friends) about your problems but hasn't brought them up to you. But most importantly why is she hiding her Facebook friends that from you?

 

I don't want to imply anything as it seems like you still have your head on your shoulders however you need to protect your self. If it is over she is going to string you along until SHE is ready to make the move.

 

What is the point of all your sacrifice if you end up split because she is having an affair? You need to worry a little about what you are going to do to take care of you here. I smell something fishy here and while it may just be the catch of the day it could also be something rotten.

 

Hiding is never going to solve a problem. Look into it. Very few people leave a good relationship unless they have other options. Normally one strings the other on until either the affair ends or it goes deeper and the marriage ends. You deserve to be more than someones backup plan.

 

Please look into it and keep us posted.

[norajane]

Even if she told her family she would never frame it as she was cheating on me and they would have no way of knowing, so why then would she hesitate to tell them for that reason?

 

She's hesitating because she's hiding something and doesn't want to be questioned. At all. By anyone.

 

Say she were to tell her family she moved out. Their first question is going to be WHY. And I don't think her family would accept the very vague non-answers that you have accepted from her. They'd want to understand what is going on. They'd ask her WHERE she is living. They'd ask why SHE moved out instead of you.

 

They'd want to come to her apartment. They'd want to see how she's living, where, and why. And she doesn't want them to because she's hiding something. There is NO other reason why she wouldn't tell her family her marriage is in such trouble that she actually moved out!

 

I know you're in a fog of confusion and heartbreak right now, but you need to open your eyes. And you need to talk to your family and get some emotional support from people who care about you. You are going to need them to help your through this!

[phineas]

She's blocking you.

I got around the face book privacy settings once also.

When your spouse doesn't want you to see what their doing on the puter, their either looking at nasty porn of having inappropriate contact with someone of the opposite sex.

 

My wife was an open book. until her affair. I had all her passwords & she didn't care.

I never noticed she changed them all until I suspected something because I never bothered logging in.

 

She may not be screwing anyone now, but she's most likely communicating with this man.

[man_of_ability]

Thanks again everyone....maybe I have been naive about this. Did you know you can check which phone numbers text messages are sent and received from? I just figured that one out recently and there was nothing suspicious there.

 

I will be more alert to this possibility and try to figure out if something funny is going on. I guess I am too trusting.

[MrMayI]

Thanks again everyone....maybe I have been naive about this. Did you know you can check which phone numbers text messages are sent and received from? I just figured that one out recently and there was nothing suspicious there.

 

I will be more alert to this possibility and try to figure out if something funny is going on. I guess I am too trusting.

 

your situation is very similar to mine, except my wife is a lot more transparent than yours is being. be careful. worry about you right now. sounds like you're in for a bumpy ride. i'm hoping i'm not, but you never know.

[Biggie25x]

Man, keep in mind this is all speculation right now. No one knows anything although I think norajane hit the nail on the head when she questioned the motivations for your wife to hide all this from her family. I can tell you from my divorce that when you split with nothing to hide her family and mine were all involved.

 

What we are saying is that you need to go to the next level. You either need to do some investigation or you need to confront calmly. You owe it to yourself to not be the backup plan. You owe it to yourself to know the truth. There are very few explanations for why she is hiding what she is.

 

You have rights here too. You are just caught up in emotions that you can't process right now.

[whichwayisup]

Hate to even say this, but maybe you should (just incase) have a lawyer handy and please, for your own protection, start writing everything down. Just incase, and while things are still fresh in your head..

[Biggie25x]

Seconded. That may not be bad advice either. You know what they say....hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[man_of_ability]

I have a lawyer but haven't discussed this with him. I hate to do it because I don't want to admit to myself that things are this bad. I am trying to stay positive.

[whichwayisup]

OK, glad that you do have a lawyer, just incase.. You don't have to talk to him yet, it's only been afew weeks.

 

Hopefully she isn't cheating and maybe she just needs to find herself again. Be alone and think things through, be abit independant..

 

Would she be willing to do counselling with you? Have you asked her?