Wife recently moved out

[man_of_ability]

Regarding couseling, I haven't pushed it lately because i could tell she was in "withdraw" mode before she moved out. I think maybe with this the next few weeks will be key. I was going to let her get a little space that she needed and then ask her again if she wants to try based on how things are going.

 

I know she does want to work on the relationship because she said she wants to "date" each other. When I asked her what we were doing she said the only other alternative is not talking to each other and how is that going to improve things. So I can really tell that she has not given up on this.

[Custody-Won]

Since she has moved out it would certainly be possible for her to cheat because I don't even know the address to her apartment yet.

 

You don't know her address ! YET !!! then either you have not told us something or this girl is setting you up to play you. But ofcause we all have to learn.

 

I would say tell your family, and the reason I think you should is that once you do that you will not be able to go back. You need to decide. But remember that once you let this out, thier is no going back.

[man_of_ability]

So true. There is much I don't know. That's why this is so painful for me.

 

I wasn't pushing because I know she needed space. I did ask her before she left on her business trip if I could come see her apartment and she told me that I could but I didn't get the address. She just got back into town and now that she's back I can see I will have to bring up that subject and see if she will let me know where she is staying.

 

How she responds to that request may give me some clues as to where this is headed.

[icepop]

Much of what is being said here regarding your wife moving out is very suspicious.

 

How could you possibly let her move somewhere and not know the address ?

Why would she not want parents to know what's going on ?

She has a select circle of friends that know and suddenly you have no access to her facebook account ?

 

MOA ?

 

I hate to break the news to you, but your wife is having an affair. No one, and I mean no one, particularly women, are this secretive about what they are doing with their lives, especially when they are in a relationship or are married without an ulterior motive existing, unless of course, they are having an affair, in which case, you are being much too accommodating to her. I was accomodating to my ex like this when she was going to drunken, week end pool parties with friends and f***ing her BF in some cheap motel, all the while leaving me with the care of twin boys, 18 months old.

 

When I finally found out she was banging some guy from work, it was too late. She had altered forever the course of our marriage. He paid the price , too. His wife of 10 years divorced him the moment she knew he was cheating.

 

I suggest you rig for silent running. Get all the facts. Call your lawyer and stay very cool. In the meantime, you need to know what she is up to because you may be the focus of a pre-emptive strike. She may be seeing you and using you. I think she's a cake-eater. DO NOT ALLOW THIS>

 

I wouldn't let her out there too long, either. She needs to start making decisions and you need to force her to make them as well. Mostly, protect you.

[icepop]

Oh and btw, you use the words withdrawl and date.

 

These are terms that affairees use, when they want their SO to think that although things are ok, by their word, things could not be more dire.

 

You are about to be lured into a world of hurt my friend. Are you not supposed to be the one person in the world she can trust ? Giving you her apt. # should only NOT happen, she should not even be in an apartment.

 

YOU are separated my friend. Legally. She has seen to this. And, all the while making you think this is innocent ?

 

Believe me when I tell you she has calculated all of this.

 

I would be in a very CYA mode right now, until you know EXACTLY what's going on.

 

Good luck.

[seibert253]

Suprised no one else expressed this thought, or maybe I missed it. Has happened to many here.

 

Seems to me your wife wants to "test the waters" with her ex. He's added as a friend on FB, your blocked, that's what us in the LE field call "A CLUE".

She decides she wants to move out, "find herself", yada yada. CLUE #2.

 

But yet she still wants to do things with you, claims dating exclusively, but yet is still not home so you're not exactly sure, but have to take her word on this.

 

Here's what I think is going on, and I'm sure once you add everything up, you'll agree:

1. She wants to explore things with her ex, but being home does not allow her to do this. She needs a certain amount of freedom. Hence moving out. She nows if she's home, you will find out about this AGAIN.

2. She needs a back up plan in case the thing with the ex doesn't pan out. THIS IS YOU, YOU ARE HER BACK UP PLAN. She keeps you hanging around and knows she can move home if things don't work out.

 

Now what to do:

A. Stay on the path you are, continue to let her play her game and maybe you will be lucky and she will move back home. (but don't be surprised in the future if she needs to "find herself" again)

B. Confront her with what you know, (in a loving, compasionate way). Being blocked from FB, the fact or coincidence, (which I don't believe in, things happen for a reason), that he's added as a friend during the time she moves out, makes you suspicious of what truely going on here. You just want the truth here.

 

My thought is she's cake eating here. Don't put up with this. Call her on it. Yeah she's gonna get pizzed, but she needs to know, you know what's going on and you will not be a dormat. Deep down she probably wants you to step up to the plate, stand up for yourself, and fight for your marriage. This is war, not a game. Alls fair in love and war. You fight to win.

To repair a marriage, there cannot be a third party involved. You need to remove the interloper, EX.

Confront, Investigate, Move forward.

Last; consult with an attorney. This may not end so pleasantly.

[norajane]

So true. There is much I don't know. That's why this is so painful for me.

 

I wasn't pushing because I know she needed space.

 

Here's the thing - married women who need space go on vacation with their sisters or girl friends. They don't just move out. Moving out is usually the last resort, the last step before divorce.

 

That it comes as a surprise to you is even more unusual. You should be perfectly well aware of what the problem is, why she wants to move out, what her unhappiness is in the marriage. This moving out shouldn't be the first you're hearing that she's unhappy in the marriage, so unhappy she wants to leave her home and move elsewhere.

 

We can't say for sure she's having an affair, but that's more likely the case than, oh, she just needs a little space. This business trip, for example - how do you know she went on a business trip? How do you know she wasn't with her affair partner?

 

It's a holiday weekend - are you going to a family bbq? Will you be seeing her? I'd say it's time to start telling your family and her family and all of you start asking questions. Something is fishy here.

 

This lawyer of yours...is he a divorce lawyer? I'd call him up and start finding out what your rights are, and what you're likely to have to deal with.

[Biggie25x]

I agree with the two above posts. There might be nothing going on but it seems awfully suspicious. Her actions just don't seem to match up with what she's telling you.

 

Of course there could be nothing going on but what she's telling you. I think the people here are just telling you you need to stand up for your self and find out some info. You need to consider other situations and interpretations other than what she's telling you.

 

If you confront and ask questions and she gets mad than it was doomed to failure anyway. It would seem to me in this situation that she is mad she got caught and that you are pressing her for answers. You know if she has nothing to hide why would she be so angry. Don't let yourself be anyones doormat. Just keep calm and consider what you will do before you ask (if you do).

[tojaz]

Tell your family, if for no other reason then you are going to need a lot of support through all of this. She has that, she's built her cheering section and has a plan. You do not. Outing the fact that shes gone might just be enough that she will realize what she is doing. If not, at least you have the help you need. I waited a while to seek help. It just makes it worse on you in the long run.

TOJAZ

[man_of_ability]

Thanks again for everyone's advice. An interesting thing happened a while ago. The sattelite provider called the home phone asking about a new installation set for tomorrow. I asked them to confirm the address to make sure it's correct...and presto I now know where she is staying. I immediately drove by there to confirm, and her car was there and no other cars were there.

 

I really don't know how to approach this. Some are saying be suspicious, and I definitely want to heed that advice. But I have read other places that the "180" approach works best. This is what I have been doing previously...hands off, being cool and non confrontational. This is why I haven't pressured her previously on where she was staying.

 

I need to find the right balance...let her have her space but not allow myself to be played.

 

Finally, now that I actually know the address, I still may play dumb and ask where she is staying to get a read on her feeling by how she responds. That is what I was thinking.

[tojaz]

Don't tell her you know, it just looks like your spying on her. Let her tell you in the meantime. The 180 sounds like a good idea right now.

TOJAZ

[man_of_ability]

We can't say for sure she's having an affair, but that's more likely the case than, oh, she just needs a little space. This business trip, for example - how do you know she went on a business trip? How do you know she wasn't with her affair partner?

 

It's a holiday weekend - are you going to a family bbq? Will you be seeing her? I'd say it's time to start telling your family and her family and all of you start asking questions. Something is fishy here.

 

This lawyer of yours...is he a divorce lawyer? I'd call him up and start finding out what your rights are, and what you're likely to have to deal with.

 

She did tell me she was unhappy a few weeks before she moved out, but her reasons were pretty vague. And she didn't act unhappy at all by her actions. She told me she rented a place but whene we got back from vacation it was like business as usual and she was "nesting" again at home. I thought she had changed her mind. Just the day before she started moving, she was shopping with me at Target for household goods. I think one of her girlfriends may have had something to do with encouraging her to do this.

 

This weekend...yes I do have plans with the spouse. She wanted to do a fireworks thing with me that we have done in past years. It's something we both enjoy. It's not a family thing but just the two of us. It really does seem like she is trying to make an effort to improve our relationship. I could tell from our date last week by the things she said, and the way she kissed me was more romantic than any time in the past few months.

 

The trip she went on I know for a fact was a business trip, she gets CE credits and I was going to go with her back when we planned this, but I cancelled my part of the trip to give her space and because I can't afford the time off anyways. She did stay a few extra days but it was to see a girlfriend who used to live here in town that she hadn't seen in years.

 

The lawyer is experienced with divorce. I should proabably contact him.

 

Thanks for your input...everyone here has been very helpful.

[man_of_ability]

Seems to me your wife wants to "test the waters" with her ex. He's added as a friend on FB, your blocked, that's what us in the LE field call "A CLUE".

She decides she wants to move out, "find herself", yada yada. CLUE #2.

 

But yet she still wants to do things with you, claims dating exclusively, but yet is still not home so you're not exactly sure, but have to take her word on this.

 

Here's what I think is going on, and I'm sure once you add everything up, you'll agree:

1. She wants to explore things with her ex, but being home does not allow her to do this. She needs a certain amount of freedom. Hence moving out. She nows if she's home, you will find out about this AGAIN.

2. She needs a back up plan in case the thing with the ex doesn't pan out. THIS IS YOU, YOU ARE HER BACK UP PLAN. She keeps you hanging around and knows she can move home if things don't work out.

 

Now what to do:

A. Stay on the path you are, continue to let her play her game and maybe you will be lucky and she will move back home. (but don't be surprised in the future if she needs to "find herself" again)

B. Confront her with what you know, (in a loving, compasionate way). Being blocked from FB, the fact or coincidence, (which I don't believe in, things happen for a reason), that he's added as a friend during the time she moves out, makes you suspicious of what truely going on here. You just want the truth here.

 

This ex that appeared on facebook after she hid it from me lives far away. Now I am not saying there couldn't be an emotional affair or e-mail exchanges going on with this guy, but a physical affair with him is pretty much impossible.

 

None of her other friends were suspicious or people I wouldn't expect to see on her friends list.

[man_of_ability]

I did a property search on the address where my separated spouse is staying. It is owned by the newleywed husband of her solo drinking buddy (a girl). This woman hates me, and my wife and her go out drinking all night on some occasions...maybe once every month or two. Since this guy got married to my wife's drinking buddy, I'm sure he had space at his old house to rent it out.

 

How do you combat against her friend rooting against me? At this point I'm she listens to their opinions over mine. Anything I say at this point is treated with skeptisicm.

 

Reason her friend dislikes me goes way back to when I was dating, before I married my spouse. We went on a one week skiing trip with this couple that my fiance at the time had already planned. I was a little stubborn there on that trip and didn't put forward my best foot. It was not my best moment I will admit. But with that one incident 3 years ago they (the friends) decided they didn't like me. And I wasn't very agreeable on the trip, but I wasn't terribly misbehaved...I guess you could say I was asserting my independence in a group situation. Probably not the best thing to do if trying to win over friends.

[whichwayisup]

If your wife listens to her friend that hates you, lets her manipulate her, your wife has more issues than anyone realizes, or she just wants out of the marriage and this friend is encouraging her very hard. Either way, I think it's completely insane the way she's handling this.

 

Fact that the friend didn't try to get to know you better and spend time with you just shows what type of person she is in general.

 

Right now, you can't compete so don't bother trying. If I were in your shoes I would completely back off and stop spending ANY time with your wife - She needs to miss you, she needs to feel what life is like without you in it. Maybe some real space (no contact) for afew weeks or a month will make her stop and re-think things, gain perspective because I really don't 'get' why she's needing space and wants to possibly walk away from a pretty good marriage and nice guy. Something STILL isn't adding up, so I'm still going with my theory there's someone else and her friend is helping her in some way.

[norajane]

How do you combat against her friend rooting against me?

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Meaning, her friend can talk all the sh*t she wants about you, but unless your wife wants to hear it and is already against you, nothing her friend says will turn her against you. If your wife is open to the negativity her friend might be encouraging, that's on your wife, not her friend.

 

And if you want some support, someone who will be rooting for you, talk to your family. And hers.

[man_of_ability]

Thanks again for everyone's advice.

 

Sorry for my terrible sentence structure in my previous post. I am running so low on sleep and energy that it appears I am becoming incoherrent. I just re-read the post and I'm now thinking how did I write something that came out looking like that?

 

Have a great night. Tomorrow I will tell my family and write about the "date" we had tonight. The no contact strategy that whichwayisup and others have suggested is probably the best thing to do.

 

I think I will sleep better tonight.

[seibert253]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Meaning, her friend can talk all the sh*t she wants about you, but unless your wife wants to hear it and is already against you, nothing her friend says will turn her against you. If your wife is open to the negativity her friend might be encouraging, that's on your wife, not her friend.

 

And if you want some support, someone who will be rooting for you, talk to your family. And hers.

 

Dead on.

Listen, learn, live.

[Custody-Won]

Don't let her know you have the address and dont ask her for it.

 

Now you can keep some track of her, do you know where her friend and husband live ? You might wan to start checking that place.

 

Last but not Least I take it you have no kids?

 

What do you do and what does she do for a living? Equal jobs and equal pension plans? Equal salary ? The bigger bread winner needs to act quickly. From what you are saying I think you are the larger partner. you need to start waking up

[mbubo]

I am really sorry for your pain. my husband recently told me he loves another women but that he has not slept with her. i believe him because he is a good man and we both ruined our relationship. everything seemed ok just days before he told me, everything was normal. i am so hurt right now, all our plans for our future are gone and my son will get so hurt. he is very sorry for hurting me so i feel there is still a chance but he tells me no. i never thought this would happen to us. i can only tell you do not give up hope. marriage takes work and people should not run away so easily.

 

My wife moved out of our house and into an apartment a few weeks ago. She told me about a month ago ago that she was considering it because she was unhappy, felt smothered and other similar arguments.

 

It seems as if there are two versions of her because when we got back from vacation about 3 weeks ago, she said it's nice to be home and started shopping, doing yard work, and generally "nesting" type activities. Even the night before she moved out we were shopping for household items and she was asking me what I wanted to do for the weekend. Her girlfriend called her about a planned weekend visit and I heard her say she was "on the fence" about something (which I later put together what she was really talking about). Her friend arrived this past Friday, and by the time I got home from work they had already started packing and moving things out.

 

She said we could still "do stuff" together. When she was getting more stuff from the house I could tell she was crying. I am not sure but I think she is very divided and may even already regret that she left to some degree. I asked her if I should take my ring off and she said no, and she was not taking hers off either. She hasn't told her parents and didn't want me to tell mine either. This again leads me to the belief that she is very uncertain of what she is doing. She is the type that after making the decision, right or wrong, she thinks she needs to follow through with it.

 

The rental property is a 3 month lease. I would really like her back home. I have worked so hard to make a life with her and we enjoy doing so many of the same things, we have the same political beliefs, hobbies, activities, etc.

 

I didn't resist her moving out. I told her I didn't want her to go but I respected her decision. I am limiting contact, I haven't called her except regarding her picking up more stuff. I let her take anything she wanted.

 

Finally, I got an email from asking if I would go with her to a festival this Friday. I think my letting her go may already be drawing her back in but it may be too early to tell.

 

I have treated her very well, never hurt her physically or emotionally, I'm responsible, respectful....I am having a hard time figuring this out. How can I be responsible for her happiness?

 

It's only been a few days and I'm lonely and bored and feeling sad.

[man_of_ability]

Don't let her know you have the address and dont ask her for it.

 

Now you can keep some track of her, do you know where her friend and husband live ? You might wan to start checking that place.

 

Last but not Least I take it you have no kids?

 

What do you do and what does she do for a living? Equal jobs and equal pension plans? Equal salary ? The bigger bread winner needs to act quickly. From what you are saying I think you are the larger partner. you need to start waking up

 

We have no kids.

 

The earnings are roughly equal. We both have decent jobs. The house was mine and what sucks is that I gifted 1/2 of it to her earlier this year when I refinanced into a 15 year mortgage. I had her name added to everything. Now that it's 15 year terms, the payment is higher so it will be more difficult to afford on one salary alone, but not impossible. She has a large savings which she gained by selling her house when she moved in with me. At the same time I gifted her 1/2 the house, she included me on the savings account which I still have acess to.

 

If we split up for good, this all should be roughly a wash. I am guessing she would keep her stockpiles of money and use it to buy a different house. I would keep the house I'm in, with the higher payment and may have to re-fi yet again to get her name off of it, which would really suck.

[Custody-Won]

I'm glad to see you took a day off. but be careful She can take the money out of the bank, you can't take her off the house. Do you know people in the bank ? Anyway just be careful. Think with your head and think things out. It won't hurt to make yourself a little unavailable to her also.

[man_of_ability]

Good evening. Well I can't sleep again so I thought I would post an update.

 

I have had some dates with my spouse. I am trying to go low contact and no pressure but not no contact. I want to keep the relationship from further distancing and she still wants to "date" me and she has said she's not seeing another man and I believe her.

 

Last night she came over and watched a movie and we just hung out and snuggled at our house. It was a nice time. At the end of the night after our "dates", I always feel pretty confident that she is returning based on how things went and the little things that are mentioned. But doubt slowly creeps in in the hours following.

 

I haven't decided to followed all of the advice here yet. As one poster mentioned there is no going back once you notify the family, mine or hers. Neither of us have done that yet although I do understand the reasons given for why I should. I just don't feel ready to open that door yet with the way things are going.

 

She is a little more distant and doesn't initiate phone calls as often. I used to be her confidant and she would call me on a whim, until just a few weeks ago. She has other girlfriends to rely on and I have nobody. This is very difficult for me. I know I can't latch on to her as I will only push her further away.

 

The only friends she has told about this are a very small group. They are mostly single gals or divorced, with the exception of the one newlywed couple that does not like me. Everyone that does like me has not been told about this. She has not told anyone at work about this either.

 

Tonight she called and wanted me to meet her out with a girlfriend of hers that just thinks we're the greatest couple. This woman likes both of us very much. It was quite odd. I did go, but it felt strange pretending things were great between us. The friend even made some comment as to how lucky my spouse was that she has me. Very odd. I feel maybe she only asked me to come because her friend expected it. I hope it was also that she wanted to see me.

 

How long do I need to play this dating game before deeper issues are addressed? I haven't mentioned relationship issues or pressured her at all. But if she really does want to improve things as she says she does, don't we need to come up with a plan?

 

I don't want to be used just to slowly and gently ease her out of this relationship. I don't think that's what she's doing, and she has basically said it's not. But when the times of doubt creep in, when I get lonely, that's what I am most afraid of.

 

I need something to change the dynamic here. Should I try to be more romantic with her on one of our dates, make a real strong effort? Should I ask her to stay over and sleep together? It wasn't that long ago and I'm sure she must be lonely at night as well.

 

I am lonely and have no support structure without my family's involvement. I know I need to get out and enjoy things but I have let myself get to the point where everything revolved around her, so now without her I don't even know who I could call to just talk or hang out with. I am great at meeting women, but something tells me the timing on that wouldn't be appropriate, so here I sit very lonely.

 

The positive signs were (I am looking for anything I can get):

1. Signing up for a new cell phone on our family plan

2. Not telling family and other friends, which I interpret that she wants to reverse this. I know that's not other's interpretation.

3. Still wanting to date, and spend time together

4. She was excited in picking a new decoration for our house that would match the colors in our house

5. Finances still integrated

6. She wants to come work on the yard this weekend and pick new things for our landscaping

7. Other little things that I notice when we're together

 

I really think she wants temporary space and is coming back but I am afraid she could change her mind if we become more distant toward each other which by not talking as much is the way it seems to be going. I think part of her already regrets that she left. But I am afraid when she talks to her close single friends she is very susceptible to their potentially negative opinions of marriage and/or me.

 

One of my biggest mistakes in looking back was not making a great effort to win over her closest friends. I wasn't ever mean or bad to them but apparently I didn't do enough to endear myself to them.

 

I am already very tired of the high-school games of whose calling who. I didn't have to do this before and don't feel I should have to do it now. This really sucks.

 

I am supposed to see her temporary apartment this weekend. She still doesn't know I have seen it from the outside. I will let everyone know if that actually happens.

[tojaz]

Keep us posted, this is going to be a wild ride. Sounds like a lot of mixed messages, be careful.

TOJAZ

[seibert253]

Keep us posted, this is going to be a wild ride. Sounds like a lot of mixed messages, be careful.

TOJAZ

 

Agree with Tojaz.

Personally, I think you're approaching this from the wrong angle, but then again, you know you, and you know your wife a lot better than I do.

 

Problem is, if you don't distance yourself, one of three things will occur:

1. She will continue to sting you along until someone else steps in the picture, (if there isn't someone already)

2. She will decide she like's her "freedom", and leaves you hanging out to dry

3. She will return to your marriage.

 

As you can see, the averages are running against you. But, there have been, and will continue to be those who beats the odds.

 

It appears to me you're focusing solely upon her returning home. What if she doesn't? Then you're really fu#$ed. You need to come to the realization that she may never come home. You need to prepare youself mentally, physically, and financially in case this happens.

This time apart needs to be spent working on you. Making you better, stronger, more independant. If she decides to come back into the scene, great, you've got improvement and you're ahead of the curve. If she doesn't well then you're already prepared to move ahead.