Wife recently moved out

[man_of_ability]

It's my belief that a married person should always know where their spouce is & who they are with.

 

when my wife asked me these questions I had absolutly zero problem telling her.

 

 

That is the way it used to be between the spouse and I as well. Untill she moved out of course. Now if I were to call her up and ask where she was going or what she is doing she would think I'm checking up on her. It used to be a casual conversation between us. I don't know how things could deteriorate this quickly.

[phineas]

That is the way it used to be between the spouse and I as well. Untill she moved out of course. Now if I were to call her up and ask where she was going or what she is doing she would think I'm checking up on her. It used to be a casual conversation between us. I don't know how things could deteriorate this quickly.

 

For my wife, it was because she didn't want to have to tell me where she was, who she was with & what she was doing because she couldn't keep her stories straight from day to day & I have this annoying habit of noticeing those things.

[Custody-Won]

I havent been on for a few days, glad to see you are making improvements. Remember what Owl Said with his list and after

man up

[man_of_ability]

I havent been on for a few days, glad to see you are making improvements. Remember what Owl Said with his list and after

man up

 

 

I am taking all the advice here seriously. Man up is the main theme here. Maybe I should get some testosterone injections....

 

Seriously I am trying to focus on myself but it's been very difficult and I am quite lonely. I know it would be easy for me to go out and find a new woman, just to date casually, I am pretty attractive. But I am not going to do that because it doesn't feel right.

 

For some reason it is more difficult for me to just find guy friends to hang out with...I haven't ever been very good at that, and that is one of the things I can try to work on to improve myself. I just need to figure out where to start.

[man_of_ability]

Here I am another night with no sleep. I am down 20 lbs now.

 

My emotions are starting to turn into anger and resentment for her just bailing on me. She just flipped a switch and abandoned me. I don't know how someone can do that. At least right now I am considering just saying the hell with it and moving on. There are lots of other women out there.

 

Sorry I am sleep deprived so I'm not very coherent tonight. I am just venting.

[Gunny376]

No! No your NOT!

 

Damn'it! Your getting to the otherside of this!

 

The otherside of her!

 

Your breaking your addiction to her!

 

Your breaking free!

 

Regain your life!

 

Reclaim YOURSELF!

 

Get back YOUR LIFE!

 

DAMNIT!

 

YOU'VE GOT TO WANT TO LIVE!

 

To its fullest and to its top!

[vikram1]

hey man...as u knwo we are on the same boat. I know exactly what you going throught. Just try and keep yourself in control. The best way am finding to deal with this situation is...treat this relatinship as a goner. dont expect anything from her at all and dont expect her to come back to you also.

 

All you gotta do right now is do your own stuff. Pick up some extra work at your workplace or pick up a new sport or go workout...anything that gets u busy. I bet you anything she will wanna hang out with you and stuff. I say go and hang out with her. Show her that you still love her. But mind it...dont expect anything to work out. Do your best and i belive things will fall into places for good or worse in matter of some time.

 

We are married ppl...not girlfriends and boifriends. If shes weak i believe we have to stand up and try our best to make this work and eventually even if it doesnt work then atleast u know you gave ur best shot.

[TroyNJ]

I'm really sorry your going through this, I could tell you my story but don't want to bore you with the details, I took a firm stand and I truely believe that is what saved my marriage. I gave my wife the impression theat I was moving on (I was sort of), next thing you know she wanted me more than ever lol...We never did seperate but she was thinking about it. I went so far underground she couldn't have found me with a bulldozer, this is what you need to do my man...You are being a complete pushover and you better stop or your wife will never respect you.

 

My suggestion is to start taking advice you get here, as on now you haven't and where has it got you?

[man_of_ability]

I have been a pushover at least to start, but lately my anger is growing about this and I deserve to be treated better. I don't want to be with her if it is 100% only on her terms. This is bs and I want more from my spouse than what she is willing to give me right now.

 

The more I think about it, the more I have been realizing this lately. If she does eventually want to come back, will I be able to get over this resentment towards her that is increasing in me every day? And can I overcome the feeling that she could easily leave again at any time in the future if she has already left once?

 

I haven't completely given up hope, but I am through pursuing her. I am just too pissed off about what she is doing to our marriage, and I'm sick of carrying on with my tail between my legs.

 

I will do something with her this Saturday because she has already asked me. But I am not initiating any more dates or activities, or asking her for anything. I have decided. She is pushing me away, this is her fault not mine.

[MrMayI]

i think you're getting there, man.

just try and not do it in anger. try and hit the point where it just doesn't matter. i had a "date" with my wife tonight, but told her yesterday that i want no part of it.

only you know if you can get over the resentment of her doing this to you. i'm learning that i probably can't. i wouldn't take her back today, at all. i have a broken hearted little girl to go along with my so called wife's bulls**t. she only cares about herself. the more you take away from her, the more she'll try to get back in your orbit. don't let her.

[TroyNJ]

I have been a pushover at least to start, but lately my anger is growing about this and I deserve to be treated better. I don't want to be with her if it is 100% only on her terms. This is bs and I want more from my spouse than what she is willing to give me right now.

 

The more I think about it, the more I have been realizing this lately. If she does eventually want to come back, will I be able to get over this resentment towards her that is increasing in me every day? And can I overcome the feeling that she could easily leave again at any time in the future if she has already left once?

 

I haven't completely given up hope, but I am through pursuing her. I am just too pissed off about what she is doing to our marriage, and I'm sick of carrying on with my tail between my legs.

 

I will do something with her this Saturday because she has already asked me. But I am not initiating any more dates or activities, or asking her for anything. I have decided. She is pushing me away, this is her fault not mine.

 

You should not do anything with her until she's ready to commit to your marriage, this is exactly what we are talking about, stop justifying doing things with her..Again I'm sorry for you pain but bro you need to wise up now. She is playing you like a drum anf your allowing it. STOP NOW!

[MrMayI]

You should not do anything with her until she's ready to commit to your marriage, this is exactly what we are talking about, stop justifying doing things with her..Again I'm sorry for you pain but bro you need to wise up now. She is playing you like a drum anf your allowing it. STOP NOW!

 

exactly. yesterday, i put most of my cards on the table. told her i have no interest in doing anything with her until she can commit to MC with me, and starting to at least try and reconcile our marriage. she denied me, so now it's back to NC unless it concerns our daughter.

[SRV]

The anger you are feeling is good, an indication that you are slowly getting to the acceptance stage.

 

You need to let it go, don't beat yourself up too much. She is busy living her life, without you, you best start living your life too, or else time is passing you by. Time you can never get back.

 

Most of the time, as hard as it is to accept, once they leave, they rarely do comeback. And if they do, unless you both deal with the underlying issues that caused the separation in the first place, you will be repeating this vicious cycle in the not too distant future.

 

Best chance if any of getting her back, is acceptance that this is a done deal. It takes two to make it work and as long as she is not ready to do it, there is no chance, sorry to come off so bluntly, good luck!

[vikram1]

I have been a pushover at least to start, but lately my anger is growing about this and I deserve to be treated better. I don't want to be with her if it is 100% only on her terms. This is bs and I want more from my spouse than what she is willing to give me right now.

 

The more I think about it, the more I have been realizing this lately. If she does eventually want to come back, will I be able to get over this resentment towards her that is increasing in me every day? And can I overcome the feeling that she could easily leave again at any time in the future if she has already left once?

 

I haven't completely given up hope, but I am through pursuing her. I am just too pissed off about what she is doing to our marriage, and I'm sick of carrying on with my tail between my legs.

 

I will do something with her this Saturday because she has already asked me. But I am not initiating any more dates or activities, or asking her for anything. I have decided. She is pushing me away, this is her fault not mine.

 

I would still suggest give herself and urself some time. If she comes back to you eventually...that would be the right time for you to put forward what you want from her and expect from her and you can have clear communication. Right now is not a right time to jump over to conclusions atleast thats wat i think.

And just make sure u dont make any major decisions when u are angry. U dont want to regret it later or u dont want to think later in ur life that you could have done certain things differently.

 

For now live your life and let her live her life. Dont initiate anything from your side. If she initiates only then go for it cuz thats the only chance for you to show her that u still love her. Atleast thats what am doing. I have completly withdrew myself from her...i hve gone thru the anger u are goin thru right now where u just cant belive what has happened with u. I ahve reached a point where i dont expect anything from her even tho she keeps calling me and text mssging me. I hope u reach that point soon too.

[LisaUk]

Here I am another night with no sleep. I am down 20 lbs now.

 

My emotions are starting to turn into anger and resentment for her just bailing on me. She just flipped a switch and abandoned me. I don't know how someone can do that. At least right now I am considering just saying the hell with it and moving on. There are lots of other women out there.

 

Sorry I am sleep deprived so I'm not very coherent tonight. I am just venting.

 

Hey Man,

oh boy, do we all know this feeling! When my ex left I actually started to get a rash all over my chest, back, down my arms, went to the doc, she said reaction of the nervous system to extreme trauma, affected me that badly. I lost 7lbs in one week (and I'd just lost 72lbs on weightwatchers), no sleep, know it well.

 

You say "She just flipped a switch and abandoned me. I don't know how someone can do that." I know how you feel, as do many on here, 18 years for me and he acts like we had been dating a few months. Unbelievable.

 

What you have got to remember is this person is not your wife, your wife, the person you love, would not just walk out like this.

 

Stay strong, you are going to get through this, gradually the weight loss ceases, the sleep increases and you start to feel less pain, it hurts still, but it's not as constant or desperate, I promise, it does get better, for now you've just got to feel it. Start living, do things you enjoy that she didn't. Take the advice of those on here, do the 180, it goes against everything that feels natural and right to you, but I believe it's the only way, wish I had known about it before it was too late for me.

[tojaz]

What you have got to remember is this person is not your wife, your wife, the person you love, would not just walk out like this.

 

This is the truth! Your wife is not in the building. How do you feel about who is? Do you want to be married to her?

Tojaz

[man_of_ability]

Well I spent the night at a charity event which I had volunteered for a long time ago. My separated spouse had signed up for it but she backed out to go to a different charity event required through her work. I stuck to it anyway because it helps to stay active.

 

This organization was something I got involved with a few months ago at my wife's request, I wanted to do it to spend time with her. The organization is her circle of friends. So there I was all evening, surrounded by her friends. Many were asking me how she was doing and making small talk about her with me. None of them had any clue what's going on. Kind of sad to think in a few months I may not be hanging out with any of them. If she doesn't return I will probably have to resign from the organization as it was originally her interest.

 

Afterwords, I did a drive by of her living place and her car was there. I'm sure she wasn't there as she had her event to attend and mine ended earlier. That leads me to the question, who did she either go with or get a ride from? She's not the type to want to drive herself especially if there is drinking involved. That way she can get back without driving....I don't know if she directly told me, but she made it seem that she wasn't going with anyone.

 

I guess her girlfriend could have drove her there perhaps. According to her very few people know she is living there. What about someone from her work? Oh man I don't want to live being obsessed like this.

 

On the other hand if she was cheating or being dishonest, and I could know for sure with some kind of confirmation, that would explain so much of this. In one way I would feel a little better if that were the case. At least what was happening would make more sense to me. I just want to know!

[man_of_ability]

That was wierd...I just got asked out. I met this woman on a chat last night. From my area. Conincidentally I just found out through chat that she lives in the neighborhood and they are at a bar only a few minutes away.

 

She asked me to meet her and her friends out. I'm such a wimp. I declined. I have only chatted with her once and she hasn't even seen my picture though she probably wouldn't be disappointed. I did see hers and she was attractive to me.

 

It doesn't feel right to me yet. I still have a wedding ring on. What would I do when I went in there, yank it off just for the night? That's not right. I did tell her my separated status when we chatted so she knows about that.

 

Even though my spouse is doing who knows what.....again, if I just knew EVERYTHING of what she was doing for sure....it would get me out of this limbo I'm in.

 

I did leave it open with her though, so maybe sometime soon. At least it was a positive sign.

[BlackWhite]

That was wierd...I just got asked out. I met this woman on a chat last night.

 

What chat? Like an AOL or Yahoo chat room? If the answer is yes, don't expect any quality women to be on there, especially when they asked some random guy out. Seriously.

[man_of_ability]

What chat? Like an AOL or Yahoo chat room? If the answer is yes, don't expect any quality women to be on there, especially when they asked some random guy out. Seriously.

 

Yes that was one of my concerns. I don't know the person and it's too soon as well.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Are you gonna file for divorce before you start dating???

 

I mean if she aint coming back then why the F are you still holding on for???

 

Yeah being with someone else why your still commited in your head and heart while your spouse left you for the single life sucks, but I tell you this.

 

No one would fault you or blaimed you for filing for divorce. in all intents and purposes the spouse has abandoned the marital home and the marriage, you should consider yourself not married but in limbo in moral and legal terms too...

 

The thing is it isnt fair to you or someone nice you may meet during seperation while your still married. that isnt right and it's not fair.

 

Why are you holding on for a woman who disappeared???

 

What purpose does that serve?

 

Why torture yourself like that?

 

That isnt what marriage is?

[TroyNJ]

Are you gonna file for divorce before you start dating???

 

I mean if she aint coming back then why the F are you still holding on for???

 

Yeah being with someone else why your still commited in your head and heart while your spouse left you for the single life sucks, but I tell you this.

 

No one would fault you or blaimed you for filing for divorce. in all intents and purposes the spouse has abandoned the marital home and the marriage, you should consider yourself not married but in limbo in moral and legal terms too...

 

The thing is it isnt fair to you or someone nice you may meet during seperation while your still married. that isnt right and it's not fair.

 

Why are you holding on for a woman who disappeared???

 

What purpose does that serve?

 

Why torture yourself like that?

 

That isnt what marriage is?

 

 

We have tried to tell him this, I watched my brother follow almost this same path. It didn't end well, she divorced him and he had a nervous breakdown.

 

Man, we are not trying to be rude or uncaring but your actions are almost sealing the demise of your marriage. You need to stop being the omega male, it's not attractive. I suggest if you still want to try and save your marriage follow the advice here. I know it will be hard but this is something you must do NOW!

[man_of_ability]

We have tried to tell him this, I watched my brother follow almost this same path. It didn't end well, she divorced him and he had a nervous breakdown.

 

Man, we are not trying to be rude or uncaring but your actions are almost sealing the demise of your marriage. You need to stop being the omega male, it's not attractive. I suggest if you still want to try and save your marriage follow the advice here. I know it will be hard but this is something you must do NOW!

 

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it and I know everyone is trying to help. If you look up a few messages you will see that I have agreed with much of the advice given, and that I was going to be following much of it. Not sure where you get that...in my mind I have to make a transformation.

 

I am on low contact.

 

That doesn't mean I don't want to figure out the truth as to weather she is cheating on me or not, which is what my most recent posts were about. I really would like to get to the bottom of that.

 

I am not harassing my spouse or making unannounced visits or calls. I have occasionally done a covert drive by. I would rather try to figure this out myself rather than pay a private investigator. It's probably not worth the $$ at this point.

[TroyNJ]

Man,

 

Ok bro, looks like your heading down the right path. next time she wants to do something with you, simply tell her you have something else to do..Let me ask, do you have any Hobbies? I love Model Trains, when I was going through my mess I engrossed myself into that, not that I really felt like it but realised it was something I needed to do. I know it's hard and trust me I know your hurt, angry and questioning yourself why? It's not you, it's her. We are here for you and hell I'll even give you my number if you would like to talk, I've been throught it and my heart really feels for you. Take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it.

[man_of_ability]

Thanks TroyNJ, everyone is so supportive here. You guy are helping me immensely. I know there will be plenty of I told you so's on this one.

 

Alot has happened in the last 12-18 hours. Things are clearing up for me. I want to get closure and as many have observed in this thread, it seems like something fishy is going on. SO...

 

I surveiled the wife's place last night after her charity benefit. I am going on no sleep. But there was a car in her driveway in addition to hers. I drove around for a while thinking someone was dropping her off, hoping it was a girlfriend...but I know most of their cars and I didn't recognize this one. Well...I finally left around 3 a.m. with the car still there. I came back (long drive!!!) around 4:30 and between 4:30 and 5AM the car was still there.

 

She was smashed I'm sure from her event and knowing her. There has been no cell phone clues whatsoever leading up to this, so my hunch is she was so wasted that she grabbed some guy and had a one night stand. Just my hunch. If it were a girlfriend the car wouldn't still be there at 5:00 in the morning would it?

 

Someone posted a comment about being out at the bars being drunk it doesn't take much to get propositioned....or something like that. I think they hit the nail right on the head.

 

The worst thing is it's likely this has been common behavior for her in the past maybe when I'm on a business trip, or she is gone.

 

Yes she has already moved out but she's specifically told me she wouldn't see other guys. That's still cheating in my book. I sit at home while she is doing that? All the while telling me her goal is getting back together (which at this point I don't believe).

 

I haven't said anything to her about this because I'm sure she would try to come up with an excuse, and I'm avoiding her. I have read it's best to wait until you have positive proof otherwise it will drive them into further secrecy.

 

I took a few crappy cell phone pictures of the car, and I tried to write down the license plate number of the car. I don't know if the plate number can lead me to the owner of the car. Maybe that would be proof enough, I'm not sure.