Wife recently moved out

[whichwayisup]

The only friends she has told about this are a very small group. They are mostly single gals or divorced, with the exception of the one newlywed couple that does not like me. Everyone that does like me has not been told about this. She has not told anyone at work about this either.

 

There's someone else. People who want to separate that have nothing to hide don't have a problem letting friends know what's going on. Don't you find it quite telling she's ONLY told her divorced and single friends about you? And the kicker - The ONE couple who don't like you? ALL those people are pushing her, whispering in her ear, saying negative things, manipulating her..They aren't true friends because it seems they aren't encouraging her to seek counselling, they aren't looking out for HER best interest.

 

You DO need to distance yourself from her because right now SHE is calling all the shots. She knows you're waiting and willing.. She can call you anytime and you'll go on that date for her. She has too much control here and it's time for you to set up boundries, detach and back off completely. Start saying no to her - Show her you're happy and doing OK without her. THAT will get more of a reaction and make her think. She likes the fact that she knows you're hurting in some twisted way. It feeds her ego.

 

I hope this makes sense to you.

[man_of_ability]

There's someone else. People who want to separate that have nothing to hide don't have a problem letting friends know what's going on. Don't you find it quite telling she's ONLY told her divorced and single friends about you? And the kicker - The ONE couple who don't like you? ALL those people are pushing her, whispering in her ear, saying negative things, manipulating her..They aren't true friends because it seems they aren't encouraging her to seek counselling, they aren't looking out for HER best interest.

 

You DO need to distance yourself from her because right now SHE is calling all the shots. She knows you're waiting and willing.. She can call you anytime and you'll go on that date for her. She has too much control here and it's time for you to set up boundries, detach and back off completely. Start saying no to her - Show her you're happy and doing OK without her. THAT will get more of a reaction and make her think. She likes the fact that she knows you're hurting in some twisted way. It feeds her ego.

 

I hope this makes sense to you.

 

It does make sense. I am guessing the "someone else" is/are those girlfriends we are talking about. Who knows if they are pushing her and in what direction, but I am guessing they are. One of her close single friends is very lonely gal with small child. She's very unsuccesfull at dating and men in general I think she has resented me from the start since I came in and started dating her friend and kind of took her away. I don't think the friend doesn't like me, but she would have everything to gain for herself if we split up permanently.

 

I am very aware of these friend issues but I don't know of anything I can do about it. I think on some level my spouse must realize this for herself, and me pointing it out to her probably wouldn't acheive anything good. Some of the friends could easily be acting in their selfish interests and against the interests of our marriage. Their goals are more time spent with their friend, which is my spouse. Both mine and my spouses goals I would have to say are the same and that's a secure long term relationship. Shouldn't that win out in the end?

[man_of_ability]

I tried to log into spouse's web email account tonight. She had shared the password with me a few years ago. The password has been changed.

 

My suspicions is this is related to the facebook friend, ex bf in a distant location. I caught her sending flirtatious and inappropriate emails with this guy a few years ago. She promised she wouldn't do it again and shared her account with me at that time.

 

I have no way of proving that is happening again, as now she has locked me out of the account. The only thing I know for sure is she added him on facebook and blocked my access to see who her friends were.

 

She is telling me she wants to work on our relationship and then she is hiding this?

 

If I ask her about changing her password she will be angry that I tried to log in to her email. I'm sure she will find out anyways as the e-mail account was frozen due to my attempts at logging in.

 

I have the link to the ex bf's wife's facebook page. I am considering sending her an e-mail to ask if she knows what her husband is doing. I would do it if I had proof.

[phineas]

Has your wife ever made any mean or not so nice comments about this "friends" wife?

 

After I busted my wife & she moved out she told me OM was gone & she hoped he was happy with his ugly GF.

 

She said it many times & with emphasis.

It was one of the things that made me think he was still in her life.

 

Because why on earth would she care his GF was ugly?

 

1. You're wife moved out & won't tell you where she is living.

2. She has blocked you from facebook.

3. She doesn't want anyone to know your seperated. Even her Family?!?!?

4. She wants to date you instead of divorce. (she may be biding time to see where OM goes)

5. she probably cleaned out your joint account.

 

She is sounding and acting just like my wife.

She is playing you & the OM I think. Everything hinges on what the OM does. the OM in my wife's life broke up with his GF just before she wanted to spend the holiday weekend with me. She was trying to figure out which of us made her happier.

 

I'm willing to bet the "friend" is having problems with his wife also.

 

You might want to contact this friends wife.

Just know it will probably get back to your wife (especially if OM has access to her facebook) but you will start the path to the truth.

 

As long as OM is in her life she will not come back to you.

 

You will push her too far by confronting her about OM & wanting to know what exactly is going on. While she knows she is in the wrong she will fight like hell to convince you "there is noone else"

 

I tried limited contact & she wouldn't leave me alone. She called & texted me constantly about "important" kid stuff. She would stop by to kiss the kids good night after work. She guilted me into calling each other to tell the kids goodnight.

 

 

It's too late for me I believe as I just retained a lawyer for my divorce.

 

Had I called OM as soon as I learned his first & last name & exposed her I think my chances would of been better if you discount my brother looking to hunt the OM down & throw him a blanket party. (family sometimes takes things too personally)

 

Don't live by her rules.

Assume she is gone & do what you need to do to get the support you need.

 

I didn't & it just ate me up inside.

[norajane]

I have the link to the ex bf's wife's facebook page. I am considering sending her an e-mail to ask if she knows what her husband is doing. I would do it if I had proof.

 

Clean your own house first.

 

You won't even tell your own family or hers that your wife left you, yet you're thinking about contacting someone else about her husband?

[man_of_ability]

Norahjane you're right the timing isn't right for that. It's just someting I was toying with in my head. I do need to tell family, and I haven't been able to bring myself to do this yet.

 

I did casually mention to my spouse that none of her friends showed up on her profile, and she went right into deny deny deny. "hun I wonder why that would be?" and "I'm not hiding anything". She said that even though I didn't accuse her of hiding anything, I just mentioned her friends weren't showing up.

[norajane]

Well, I don't know how many clues you need in order to accept that she's hiding something and trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

 

Tell her family she left you. They'll start asking questions and help shine a bright light on whatever she's trying to hide.

 

Or would you rather not know the truth? Are you still in denial and wanting to believe she'll simply come home in a couple of months if you do nothing? Is that what you've been doing in your marriage - hiding your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine even though all signs pointed to an unhappy wife?

[man_of_ability]

Well, I don't know how many clues you need in order to accept that she's hiding something and trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

 

Tell her family she left you. They'll start asking questions and help shine a bright light on whatever she's trying to hide.

 

Or would you rather not know the truth? Are you still in denial and wanting to believe she'll simply come home in a couple of months if you do nothing? Is that what you've been doing in your marriage - hiding your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine even though all signs pointed to an unhappy wife?

 

I probably am in denial to some degree. I am trying to stay positive that she is coming back. She has left hints to that effect by some of the things she has said. Thinking positive is what is keeping me going through this.

 

I don't think I had my head in the sand. There were no signs that pointed to unhappy wife, until only a few weeks before she moved out. Her behavior indicated she was happy with things. I think this is because she was unloading all of her complaints on that close group of girlfriends I mentioned, instead of telling these to me. They were the ones that knew what was going on with her.

 

I know a marriage takes work and I have always been willing to listen and try new things to keep the marriage working.

[man_of_ability]

Well we had another date Saturday night. It consisted of dinner and a movie rental. This time she took me to her temporary place, unbeknowst to her that I already knew where it was located.

 

It was very upsetting to me to see this place at first. Seeing our stuff in this setting just made me feel terrible. I wanted to cry, but I held back and I don't think she could tell I was upset.

 

I feel some progress was made. We had a nice time, snuggling on our couch (the one that now leaves a huge void in the living room). Most importantly, for the first time since she left, we had an important relationship related discussion.

 

I didn't initiate this discussion, and she was a little bothered that I hadn't asked about any relationship issues on any of our previous dates. She asked me to name the top two issues that led to her wanting to leave (a test I guess??). It took me a while longer than I would have liked due to the wine and it being late, but I did name the 2 issues that she was thinking of on the first try.

 

I told her since she was the one who left and had issues with things, I was there to listen to her. I didn't argue or disagree with her on anything (even when she said I just had to leave...wtf??). I just listened and agreed, and tried to validate her feelings.

 

I think we both ended up a little more hopeful as a result of the discussion so it must have been beneficial. And the fact that she wanted to tell me these things also indicates that she is trying to still work on this and hasn't given up either.

 

She called me twice today and I am supposed to be seeing her tomorrow for excercising together and then dinner.

 

Timeframe on this is the end of August. I think she will have to move then and the goal would be for her to move back here and not decide on a permanent living arrangement somewhere else.

 

That doesn't give me a lot of time to show her changes and that I am working to improve myself. I need to come up with a plan but other than just working on myself I think it will also have to eventually involve sleeping over once in a while both here and at her temporary place. This is what we did when we were dating and I think that is the point I think we will have to get back to to re-connect with each other. Sex will need to be involved as well....I need to figure out the best way to do this and seduce her...but not until the timing is right.

 

It sucks...before 3 weekends ago we were sleeping in the same bed every night and now I am having to come up with an elaborate plan to try to get this back even for a night or two.

[Gunny376]

Dump her!

 

She's already dumped you!

 

Even rats know when to get off a sinking ship!

[norajane]

I told her since she was the one who left and had issues with things, I was there to listen to her. I didn't argue or disagree with her on anything (even when she said I just had to leave...wtf??). I just listened and agreed, and tried to validate her feelings.

 

Don't you have any issues with her? Did you raise any of them? Marriage takes two, and it can't be that she's the only one who has any issues in this marriage.

 

You talk about improving yourself. Is there anything that you need for her to change?

[man_of_ability]

Don't you have any issues with her? Did you raise any of them? Marriage takes two, and it can't be that she's the only one who has any issues in this marriage.

 

You talk about improving yourself. Is there anything that you need for her to change?

 

Norajane, yes this should go both ways...I didn't really spend much time on my issues. I will have to when the time is right. I wasn't the one that wanted to leave so her issues/unhappiness are worse than what mine are.

 

I guess I'm not sure when to bring that up.

[man_of_ability]

Dump her!

 

She's already dumped you!

 

Even rats know when to get off a sinking ship!

 

Gunny with all due respect, I am not ready to do that yet with my marriage. Does that make me weak or a pushover? I am fighting to try to save and even improve my marriage if possible.

 

It seems you're well respected and knowledgable about relationships from what the posts I have read, and maybe I am making a mistake by not completely distancing myself from her.

 

I have definitely backed off to some degree but not completely. I am kind of going on intuition and the little cues I see from her and by knowing her as well as I do I think I have an idea of where she is coming from.

 

I hope I'm not wrong. I may change my strategy again in the future if a. I decide to completely give up and move on, or b. I think complete no contact will turn things around. I guess I'm not to that point at this time.

[PWSX3]

Gunny with all due respect, I am not ready to do that yet with my marriage. Does that make me weak or a pushover? I am fighting to try to save and even improve my marriage if possible.

I feel everyone should fight as long as they can for there marriage. You should be able to walk away saying; I did everything I could & because of the other persons choices this is what I do now........

[norajane]

Norajane, yes this should go both ways...I didn't really spend much time on my issues. I will have to when the time is right. I wasn't the one that wanted to leave so her issues/unhappiness are worse than what mine are.

 

I guess I'm not sure when to bring that up.

 

See, this is why the two of you should be in marriage counseling right now.

 

So far, she's had the upper hand, calling all the shots because you are too afraid of what she will decide. She's put herself in a position of high ground with her as the wronged party and you as the one who has to change.

 

What would happen if you turned it around and said, "you know, your being away has given me a lot of time to think. And there are some things I've been unhappy about as well. Would you be interested in hearing them?"

 

Be a man and stand up for yourself. This is the time to work on your marriage problems, not to be weak and let her walk all over you. Maybe she'll sing a different tune when she realizes that it's not all about her and that she also has contributed to the deterioration of your marriage. Maybe she'll realize that her decisions shouldn't be based on you changing to suit her, but on both of you working on your marriage. Maybe she'll see that if she doesn't change as well, she'll just take her unahappiness and bad relationship habits to the next relationship.

[Owl]

OK, here's my 2 cents worth.

 

First off...stop being a whimp.

 

Yes, I know that was harsh...but I'm hoping it shocked you enough and angered you enough to make you want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

 

You're letting her call ALL of the shots, run the whole show, dictate how your entire relationship with her will go.

 

I'm going to tell you something that is going to surprise you.

 

Women HATE that.

 

Even when they ask for it.

 

They can't respect a man that they can walk all over. Your wife is walking all over you. Ergo...she can't respect the 'whimpy guy' you're acting like by letting her do this.

 

Women can't "love" a man that they don't respect.

 

Doing what you're doing...sitting there passively letting her run you over, letting her dictate EVERYTHING in your relationship...is probably the single best way there is to destroy her love for you.

 

I know...it seems counter-intuitive. But if you doubt me, please ask for verification from the ladies posting here on LS. I'm betting that they'll actually back me up on this.

 

Here's my suggestions:

 

1. Start making your own plans.- Start living a life that's not 'put on hold' waiting on her. I understand that this is hard, and it's a big change...but trust me, it will help you rebuild your self-confidance and move forward positively.

 

2. Start "pulling away" from her some.- Don't be so quick to agree to dates with her. This is part of a "180 plan" that can help you to win her back. Notice that she's coming to you...when you're not the one initiating the contact. When/if you do...she pulls away. So...step back. Let her come to you more. Next time she calls, don't answer. Do that a couple of times...then when you do answer, don't stay on the phone. "Sorry hun, real busy. Headed out the door, I'll call you when I can!". Let her SEE that you're living your own life. It'll make her initiate more contact with you.

 

3. When SHE initiates relationship talk, don't be a whimp and take all the blame.- Listen to what she says, echo it back to her so she knows you heard her, but don't let her focus everything on you. Don't be afraid to point out HER errors when it's your time to talk.

 

4. Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need from her. -When things get to a point where you talk about her moving back in...INSIST on her being an open book. No more hidden email accounts/blocked facebook, etc... MAKE THIS STUFF A DEAL BREAKER! Insist on marriage counseling.

 

Bottom line...MAN UP! Take charge of your life, rather than let her dictate all of this to you! Believe it or not, it's more likely to win what you want rather than giving her what she's telling you that you have to.

[phineas]

MY wife called MC a waste of money.

Why? because MC was pushing transparancy & she couldn't do that because her "i'm relieved affair is now over" garbage would of been found out real fast because she was still having the affair.

 

I grew a backbone & it threw her plan out of whack.

 

The last few weeks she said she didn't need to spend that much time with me. So I said how about no time & tried going LC.

 

Drove her batty not being able to call up & check on me. She wouldn't leave me alone. Kept using the kids as an excuse to call.

 

always trying to work the "I know you have options" into the conversation trying to see if i was looking elsewhere. Didn't want me to make the same mistakes she did. LOL!

 

She wanted to keep me on the back burner until she knew for sure whether OM was gonna come through for her by telling me she didn't want any man in her life right now.

 

I noticed the pattern & knew she was still cheating on me.

 

People here said you don't go NC to get her back you go NC to get you back & if she decides to tag along then that's your decision.

 

I really didn't understand it until now.

 

give it time. It's gonna be real hard but your wife & situation are like a bad habit. you need to break that habit.

[norajane]

I know...it seems counter-intuitive. But if you doubt me, please ask for verification from the ladies posting here on LS. I'm betting that they'll actually back me up on this.

Yes, I'll back you up on that. Because it's true.

 

Make yourself the coveted prize, not the consolation prize.

 

And tell your freaking family about her leaving you and get some support! Why do you keep holding back on that? Why are you doing this alone, letting her dictate to you how you should handle her departure. She LEFT you. She doesn't get to tell you what you can and cannot say to the people in your own life who love you and can help you.

[lupa]

MY wife called MC a waste of money.

Why? because MC was pushing transparancy & she couldn't do that because her "i'm relieved affair is now over" garbage would of been found out real fast because she was still having the affair.

 

I grew a backbone & it threw her plan out of whack.

 

The last few weeks she said she didn't need to spend that much time with me. So I said how about no time & tried going LC.

 

Drove her batty not being able to call up & check on me. She wouldn't leave me alone. Kept using the kids as an excuse to call.

 

always trying to work the "I know you have options" into the conversation trying to see if i was looking elsewhere. Didn't want me to make the same mistakes she did. LOL!

 

She wanted to keep me on the back burner until she knew for sure whether OM was gonna come through for her by telling me she didn't want any man in her life right now.

 

I noticed the pattern & knew she was still cheating on me.

 

People here said you don't go NC to get her back you go NC to get you back & if she decides to tag along then that's your decision.

 

I really didn't understand it until now.

 

give it time. It's gonna be real hard but your wife & situation are like a bad habit. you need to break that habit.

I am ready to start breaking that habit now...wish me luck. So tough to do.

[man_of_ability]

Well I couldn't avoid her tonight, I had to attend a meeting for an organization we are both involved in. She got a new blackberry on our cell phone plan a few weeks ago....that freaking thing is blinking every 5 minutes with new messages of one type or another. Now she has so many ways to communicate who knows what she's doing. She is on facebook with that thing nonstop, it's actually pretty annoying. It seemed like she was flirting while at the meeting too but that could just be what I'm thinking due to my current shattered ego. My self-esteem is going in the toilet.

 

This sh*t is driving me crazy. I need to completely tune it out I guess because what good is it doing me thinking about this.

 

I do feel walked on. She has all of the "hand" right now. I'm really sick of it but at the same time I don't want the marriage to be completely lost.

 

I have read everyone's comments and suggestions. Again I want to thank everyone here for their support. I pretty much have nobody to turn to at this time so everyones help here is very valuable to me.

 

I am going to try harder to follow much of this advice, including points 1 through 4 in Owl's post, even though I know it will be hard to do.

 

I am getting closer to telling my family, I know it's the right thing to do. It doesn't help that parents are out of state right now for several weeks.

 

NoraJane thanks for your posts also.

 

I know logically what I should be doing it makes complete sense, but it's so hard. I need to find something to get involved in and be active.

[man_of_ability]

I am ready to start breaking that habit now...wish me luck. So tough to do.

 

Best of luck! I think we are both in similar positions.

[phineas]

Best of luck! I think we are both in similar positions.

 

Trust me.

It does get better.

 

The worst was missing her next to me in bed at night.

But then I'd wake up in the morning to her not being there & it made me realize she didn't want to be there.

She was in her bed with someone else.

 

and each day of that made me miss her a little less.

[Owl]

I am going to try harder to follow much of this advice, including points 1 through 4 in Owl's post, even though I know it will be hard to do.

 

Read my signature, my friend.

 

Yoda had it right all along...he was one smart muppet!!!

[man_of_ability]

I noticed the signature after I posted....just do it.

 

This is how bad it is, last night after the meeting last night my spouse said she was going back to her place and crashing because it went kind of late. I did a drive bye her place again to see if she really went home or if she went out with someone else afterwords.....she was there. Dammmit, it takes 20 minutes one way to get over there from here.

 

I don't want to be played and I don't want to try to work on the marriage if she isn't being honest with me. But I don't want to turn into an untrusting person either. I wish I could quit obsessing about this.

[LisaUk]

Hi, just wanted to say I recently read your thread. After my ex left he was very "concerned" as to what and how much I told friends/family about our relationship and how he left. Yes he was, because he knows he did wrong. I'm willing to bet your wife knows she is doing wrong, that's why she doesn't want your parents invloved. You know what, you nedd to tell your family what is going on, YOU need support and she needs to face the consequences of her decisions.