phineas Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Hi, just wanted to say I recently read your thread. After my ex left he was very "concerned" as to what and how much I told friends/family about our relationship and how he left. Yes he was, because he knows he did wrong. I'm willing to bet your wife knows she is doing wrong, that's why she doesn't want your parents invloved. You know what, you nedd to tell your family what is going on, YOU need support and she needs to face the consequences of her decisions. My wife didn't want my family knowing because they allready suspected she was cheating on me & she knew it. She knew they would wake me up if I told them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 I still can't really believe I'm in this predicament. Still not sleeping well and I will wake up in the middle of the night thinking how unreal it seems that she actually abandoned me. I know I need to tell my parents...I am trying to come up with the courage and figure out the best way to do it as they are on a long vacation right now and won't be back for weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 My wife didn't want my family knowing because they allready suspected she was cheating on me & she knew it. She knew they would wake me up if I told them. In my case he was and still is trying to save his reputation after jilting me! People think to jilt means at the alter, it's not it means to break a promise to marry (we had a church booked), I found out he tells people we were "talking about" getting married. I called him up and said he needs to honest about what happened, I am not a liar like him. He even lied to the Vicar (minister) about why he cancelled the wedding, when I found out i wrote to hime telling him the truth. To my mind that's like lying to God. So, he still lives in the parish, if he marrys in the future (doubtful as he is complete commitment phobe), he has to have the banns read at that church, is he in for a big shock! I feel like sending out the wedding venue contracts come the date of our wedding to everyone he knows including his work, I probaly won't though, will just come of like some psycho stalker or something. Sorry for ranting and hijacking your thread! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I still can't really believe I'm in this predicament. Still not sleeping well and I will wake up in the middle of the night thinking how unreal it seems that she actually abandoned me. I know I need to tell my parents...I am trying to come up with the courage and figure out the best way to do it as they are on a long vacation right now and won't be back for weeks. I know it's difficult sleeping, it does get better, I'm 4 months in now, I still have trouble getting to sleep, but have stopped waking up in the night. The abandonment comes in the morning though! Why do you feel you need courage to tell your parents, you haven't done anything wrong, you didn't leave, she did? Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Nope I haven't, she did left me. I just feel like a failure because this is still somehow partly my fault as she left an I was unable to keep her "happy". I'm not perfect and some of the events leading up to it I'm sure could have been handled differently but overall we both had a lot going for our relationship, at least I that's what I had thought. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Nope I haven't, she did left me. I just feel like a failure because this is still somehow partly my fault as she left an I was unable to keep her "happy". I'm not perfect and some of the events leading up to it I'm sure could have been handled differently but overall we both had a lot going for our relationship, at least I that's what I had thought. Whether you played a part in this or not, what it comes down to is she left, she broke her vows, that does not make you a failure, it makes her one. Your parents love you unconditionally, they won't be disappointed in you, they will be upset for you and will want to do everything they can to help I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 sorry man, but it takes no courage to tell your parents. forget that. tell them outright exactly what's happened, your fears and suspicions, and anything else you need to unload. they're the best outlet for that. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I still can't really believe I'm in this predicament. Still not sleeping well and I will wake up in the middle of the night thinking how unreal it seems that she actually abandoned me. I know I need to tell my parents...I am trying to come up with the courage and figure out the best way to do it as they are on a long vacation right now and won't be back for weeks. You will have lifted the undue burden that you are placing on yourself, you will find counsel and support that will have you questioning why you had not done it sooner. You need not sugar coat it, you need to tell it exactly the way it is. She played a part in the demise of your marriage and you did too. Learn from it, be a better person, you will come out on the other end much wiser. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Nope I haven't, she did left me. I just feel like a failure because this is still somehow partly my fault as she left an I was unable to keep her "happy". I'm not perfect and some of the events leading up to it I'm sure could have been handled differently but overall we both had a lot going for our relationship, at least I that's what I had thought. Your parents are not going to see you as a failure. They are going to see her as a loser for walking out on the marriage before trying every means possible to save it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I called my mother and told her about this. My parents are the greatest. They are very supportive and are never judgemental. They suspect it is related to alcohol as they have noticed she drinks a lot and I can say it's true, she drinks like a fish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I should have said "she suspects" as I spoke with my mom. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I called my mother and told her about this. My parents are the greatest. They are very supportive and are never judgemental. I'm so happy to hear that. I hope that you will continue to confide in your family - they are there for you and I think their support will do you more good than anything else right now. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Nope I haven't, she did left me. I just feel like a failure because this is [/b]still somehow partly my fault[/b] as she left an I was unable to keep her "happy". I'm not perfect and some of the events leading up to it I'm sure could have been handled differently but overall we both had a lot going for our relationship, at least I that's what I had thought. Yes it is partly your fault so that is what you need to work on. What cand you do to be a better person? It doesn't have anything to do with what she did, or if you could have should have. The best thing is IC counseling, work on you. She has made up her mind & until she hits bottom or this cloud she is dreaming on falls apart she doesn't want to work on anything. For me it was REALLY hard to except that I had something to do with our bad marriage. I could find so many reasons it was her fault. Then I started to work on me & boy was that an eye opener.... Sure she still has issues but they aren't my issues anymore, she has to claim them herself. When the divorce was almost finalized I told her a couple of times, I would take responsibility for my part in the shaking marriage but I WOULD NOT take any responsibility for the divorce, that was all her.....(nope she didn't like to hear that :D) Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I do need to examine my part in this. For the two issues most affecting her decision are trust and one other item. On trust.... I do trust her as I was arguing in this very thread that she wasn't cheating on me. Actually I trusted her until recently when she left and now I am a little less sure, especially since she is hiding FB friends from me. She is not sure that I trust her...but this goes back to drinking with her buddies, mainly the one mentioned earlier in my story that doesn't like me. So she calls the issue trust and I more or less call it that she wants more freedom to hang out with her friends (and probably wants to drink even more than she already does). It comes down to this. She would go out once in a while, 1x every month or two, without me. I didn't really have a problem with that but she doesn't like that I called her/sent her text messages while she was out. I did do that sometimes and the reason was she often said she was going for "a drink or two". Well I should have just figured out that it never happened that way and she wouldn't be coming home soon. She would mostly stay out till all hours of the night on these occasions. My text messages would say something like wondering about dinner plans, or what do you want for dinner, are we having dinner or something like that. She sees the message as controlling/manipulative or trying to make her feel guilty for being out. I was trying to cover my ass because she said she wasn't going out that long, and I didn't know if I should make something for dinner for her or just eat myself. If I just ate myself I didn't want to upset her that I didn't wait for her...so in my mind I was trying to be considerate. We did talk about the "trust" issue last weekend when she brought up relationship issues. I explained the above to her and I think it helped to some degree but time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I should also mention that this issue in my mind is relatively minor in that it shouldn't be anything a couple couldn't work through with some effort....after all she has only given the marriage 2 1/2 years. I did express that thought to her during our discussion as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 In my case he was and still is trying to save his reputation after jilting me! People think to jilt means at the alter, it's not it means to break a promise to marry (we had a church booked), I found out he tells people we were "talking about" getting married. I called him up and said he needs to honest about what happened, I am not a liar like him. He even lied to the Vicar (minister) about why he cancelled the wedding, when I found out i wrote to hime telling him the truth. To my mind that's like lying to God. So, he still lives in the parish, if he marrys in the future (doubtful as he is complete commitment phobe), he has to have the banns read at that church, is he in for a big shock! I feel like sending out the wedding venue contracts come the date of our wedding to everyone he knows including his work, I probaly won't though, will just come of like some psycho stalker or something. Sorry for ranting and hijacking your thread! That's ok please do. The more people that contribute to this the better. All of your stories help me as well. We can learn from each other! Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWhite Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I think while on vacation or on one of the girl's night out, she got a little too much to drink and hooked up with another guy and/or while on vacation, she meet up with her ex. All things indicate that she is cheating or has cheated on you. When there is "I need space" aka moving out combined with any type of secrecy, you can be 95% sure that she has cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I think while on vacation or on one of the girl's night out, she got a little too much to drink and hooked up with another guy and/or while on vacation, she meet up with her ex. QUOTE] Hmmm....if I could just narrow it down. The night she got too much to drink, when could that have been? Oh yes....probably about 1/2 of the nights out of the year. I am getting close!! Sorry, I am a little bitter right now. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWhite Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hmmm....if I could just narrow it down. The night she got too much to drink, when could that have been? Oh yes....probably about 1/2 of the nights out of the year. I am getting close!! Sorry, I am a little bitter right now. Seriously, if she goes out to bars without you, don't you think that many "men" out there would take advantage of the opportunity to hook up with some drunk piece of meat? She might resist at first, but what if someone she is attracted to comes alone and being very flirtatious and polite. Before you know it, he gives he a gentle kiss and then it go from there. By the end of the night, she might even to got a motel with him. This can be a one night stand or it can lead to a physical affair combined with emotions if she hooks up with the same man again. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 She's exacerbated any trust issues you may have already had by walking out on your marriage. How do you trust that she will stay committed to the marriage even if she does come back? How do you trust she will work on things when the going gets rough - as it does in EVERY marriage - instead of just walking out? how do you know she won't go out with her friends one night and decide not to come back? Why should you trust her now when she hasn't shown herself to be trustworthy as far as honoring her vows of for better or for worse? She walked out without discussing it with you. She just did it. How do you trust someone who does that? Yes, it sounds like her drinking was an issue, and yes, she may have wanted to stay out later and drink more than she would tell you. You obviously learned what she really meant when she said she was going out for a drink or two. You could have seen that as an opportunity to go out with your own friends for a guys' night out, or to go the gym or see your family or whatever. Maybe you do need more of a life outside her and your job. Maybe her nights out caused you anxiety because you felt something wasn't right about it. Maybe it was her drinking; maybe it was combined with the fear she'd meet some other guy while out. Maybe a lot of things. But by walking out, she turned an issue that could have been discussed and resolved, into a situation where she's holding you hostage and making it all about what you need to change. If I were you, I'd have a much harder time trusting her now than ever. She left you. Why should you trust anything now? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I have to agree with NoraJane, trust in my opinion is the most important thing in a marriage. Once that is lost it is very hard to get it back. These things will always be in the back of your mind. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Glad you spoke to your mom. The reasons she left, well, she shouldn't have left, simple as that, she should have told you why she felt unhappy and discussed it with you. It's good you are able to try and work on anything she raised, but also remember that she made it a problem through miscommunication, as much as you did. So, not your fault! Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_of_ability Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I do feel better in having spoke with my parents. Other than this forum I haven't had anyone else to speak with about this. As for trust...yes that is a difficult one. I did trust her but now it will be much more difficult. If she wanted that issue fixed, the best way would not have been to move out. I'm not sure how to strenthen trust in this situation. Should I just have faith? Because I think that's what it would take in order for this to work out, there is nothing else to go on. I have been able to see her phone numbers called and received as well as text messages, numbers sent to and from. There has been nothing unusual other than she is talking to her girlfriends now more than she used to which is probably expected since she is talking to me less. If she did want to keep this information from me she could have easily got out of our family plan a few weeks ago when she had the chance to get a new phone. Instead she signed up for another two years on our plan. If I was going to hide something I probably wouldn't have done it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I'm not sure how to strenthen trust in this situation. Should I just have faith? No, it's not up to YOU to DO something. It's up to her to strengthen trust, and the only way she can do that is by being trustworthy over time and showing you that you have reason to trust her. That's what happens once trust is shaken. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 My wife accused me of not trusting her all the time when she went out with her "friends" after work. She told me I was too controlling ect. She was cheating on me. People with nothing to hide don't hide anything. It was the perfect set-up. She was working 2nd shift & I was stuck home watching the kids so she could screw around. Yet, on the few occasions I did go out she was always checking on me. Asking when i'd be home. ect. I suspect it was so her boyfriend could come over. It's my belief that a married person should always know where their spouce is & who they are with. when my wife asked me these questions I had absolutly zero problem telling her. Link to post Share on other sites
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